I grab my keys and head to Evan’s place. Evan makes the most money out of all of us. His place shows it, too. He lives in one of the tallest buildings in downtown Chicago. On the top floor. Why he needs so much space? I have no idea. It has four large bedrooms plus three and a half baths. To my knowledge, he has never had a girl in his home. Neither have Noah nor I. We are alike in that way. We all have keys to each other’s places and security knows each of us and never questions whom we’re here to see. As I walk into the place, I crack up laughing. Evan is so meticulous; things are always in order. His closet is perfectly lined with suits and ties. I have not seen Evan wear anything but a button up in at least few years, so this cracks me up. In the middle of a perfectly put together living room, is a small bounce house with balls.
“Did the circus come to town?” I ask Noah and Evan who are watching Landon bounce in the blow up house.
“You could say that. Or, that I didn’t want Landon touching my shit. Last time he was here, I had to replace the throw rug and a lamp. I figured this would keep him occupied,” Evan explains.
Noah beams. He knows Landon is a handful and he enjoys every second of it. I’m insanely jealous and very happy for him.
“What are you going to do when Lane is old enough to come over?” I ask.
“Buy another bounce house, I suppose. Dude, Noah. Please stop knocking up your wife.”
Evan loves our nephews just as much as I do, but if Landon weren’t our nephew, there would be no way a child would be in this place.
“I can’t. You’ve seen my wife. We decided to go ahead and try for a girl when Lane is six months. I’m thirty-seven now so we are doing it back to back. I’m not complaining. You feel me?” Noah says nodding at Evan.
“You really want a girl? You go batshit crazy when you think Molly has other men’s eyes gawking at her. You’d kill any bastard that looked at your daughter.”
It’s true. He better stop now. Little girls would hate growing up in this family of possessive men.
“She has two big brothers, two uncles, and me. No little fucker will get near her.”
“You really like not having private time and living by their clock and needs?” Evan asks.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this. But, yes, I don’t mind at all. Besides Molly, Landon and Lane are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I love my nephews, but you’re a dummy. This is exactly why I will never marry. Kids suck the fun out of life.” I know Evan is telling the truth when he says this. He might marry, but she’d have to agree to never have kids.
“They’re fun. Look,” he says pointing to Landon. And, Landon right on cue points to his butt.
“I poo poo.” All of us crack up laughing.
“Yeah, loads of fun there, Noah. Have fun with that. Please double or triple bag the diaper this time,” Evan says.
After the little show with Landon, we all make our way to the sofa. Landon, thankfully, crashed.
“How was last night?” Noah asks.
“Bittersweet,” I say.
“I bet. How are you holding up?” Noah asks again. I decide to lay it out. I need to talk about this with no judgments.
“I’m not. Kerrigan left. It’s not been a full day, and I feel lost.”
“She’ll be back, Maddox. Maybe you should read up on domestic violence and the effect it has on victims. Kerrigan is doing surprisingly well considering what Aaron did to her,” Noah suggests.
I clench my fist at the sound of his name.
“I didn’t protect her. I knew in my gut he was hurting her. And, I did nothing. Kerrigan told me she loved me. How could she, though? I mean, I hurt her. And, twice, I failed to protect her.”
“Listen Maddox, you have to let that shit go. You might have known, but you didn’t have proof. That shit is on Kerrigan. I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s her fault. It isn’t, but you couldn’t do anything. You’ve beaten yourself up for a very long time over shit that happened with mom and you’re doing it again with Kerrigan. You’re not to blame,” Evan says.
“I know you guys don’t blame me now, but did you ever growing up?” I ask, wanting to know if they ever thought mom left because of me.
“Never Maddox. It has never crossed my mind,” Noah says. And, I know he is telling me the truth.
“Evan?” I say. I notice he’s staring out the large glass door.
“It wasn’t your fault, Maddox. It was mine.”
What?
“How the hell was mom leaving your fault?” Noah asks.
Evan paces in front of the window. I realize, all this time, neither Noah nor I had ever asked how he felt. Noah took a lot of the beatings because he was the oldest. I took them because I was told I was the reason mom left.
“Talk to us,” I say.
“I know I was only four, but I remember everything about that day. Do you remember that train set mom bought me for my fourth birthday?” I shake my head. I was too young.
“A little, I think.” Noah says.
“The night before mom left, I left the train track all over the living room floor. I’d been building and rebuilding trying to find the coolest possible track. Dad yelled for me to get into bed. I left it there without thinking. The next morning before we left, I saw it in the trashcan, and I went to dig it out. Mom caught me and slapped my hand. She told me I didn’t deserve the train set; that I didn’t know how to take care of things. She also told me that was the last gift I’d ever get from her. I started crying. I apologized repeatedly hoping she’d give in. She smacked me and told me to go get ready for fishing. I asked her if she was coming with us. She said no and that she had big plans that didn’t involve ungrateful children.”
Right then, it hits me. This is the reason Evan is the way he is. The reason everything has its place. The reason he doesn’t want to get married or have children. All this time, he has blamed himself. It hurts so much when I look up to my brother, who always offered words of encouragement to me. He always told me that it wasn’t my fault. Because he believed it was his. Noah and I look at each other. Not knowing what to do, we surround our brother and pull him in for a hug.
“I’m sorry I never asked you about that day. I assumed dad’s thoughts were what he believed happened. Evan, man. It isn’t your fault,” Noah says.
“I know,” Evan says.
We all stand here looking at it each other. The only good thing that came from our childhood is the bond we have. Landon wakes up from his nap, and Noah heads toward him.
“Let me,” Evan says as he goes to pick Landon up. I decide to speak up.
“Landon leaves shit out all the time, as you know. Mom leaving that day had nothing to do with you. She was a selfish bitch,” I say.
“Oh, I know,” he says like he is in on a secret.
“What do you mean you know? Do you know where she is?” I ask.
“Not anymore. I stopped keeping track of her after she left her third family,” he says.
“What do you mean ‘third family’?” Noah asks.
“Don’t worry. To my knowledge, we don’t have any more brothers or sisters. She did remarry a man who, of course, had money and children of his own. I’m assuming the man's love of his children won out and she was kicked out or she left. That was five years ago.”
This is a total mind fuck.
“Where was she the last time you looked?”
“Right here in Chicago. Minutes away from all three of us,” Evan says.
I can see he is getting pissed.
“Let me take Landon,” Noah says feeling the energy in this room shifting to thermal.
This conversation lifted a major burden off my shoulders. Seeing Evan blame himself for something that clearly is not his fault made me realize I’d been doing the same thing. My father died several years back. Right now, my mom is dead to me. When I was around seven, I remember wishing mom would come back for us. I believed she left because of dad. After several years of prayin
g the same prayer every night, I gave up. Not that it matters now because I have all the family I need right here. Except, of course, Kerrigan. I have to have faith that, when she is ready, she will be back here where she belongs. In the meantime, I am going to start working as much as I can. Save as much as I can so that, when she gets here, we can move out to the burbs and be the family we both should’ve had growing up.
When I get home, I send Kerrigan a quick text.
I can still smell us on my sheets. ~ M
Pack the sheets up and send them here. ~ K
Her response makes me smile.
I need them for when I jerk off tonight. ~ M
Yum. I wish I could watch. ~ K
You want to? ~ M
I’d never given any thought to masturbating in front of a woman. Doing it in front of Kerrigan is a big turn on.
I do……. ~ K
Facetime ten minutes? ~ M
Waiting impatiently. ~ K
After our video sex, I sit back and finally relax. Maybe this can work. I mean, if I get to see Kerrigan with her hands in her panties masturbating to the thought of me, it will get me through.
Chapter 17
Kerrigan
After a relaxed night in and eating what Molly calls the greatest pizza, I have to agree. It is the best pizza. Kelly woke me up at the butt crack of dawn. She threw me some old clothes and told me to get ready. I have to admit I’m excited. I hear honking outside of the apartment at 7:30 in the morning. It’s the obnoxious kind. What the hell?
“Come on, girl, they’re here,” Kelly says excitedly.
I follow her and start feeling her excitement. When we get outside, I see an old beat up Chevy with two good-looking guys and a girl inside.
“Move your asses. We’re wastin’ daylight, ladies.”
I laugh thinking the sun just rose a little over an hour ago. As we climb in the truck, I don’t feel out of place because no one is eyeing me.
“Glad you made it. Now, Kells can shut up about her new roommate that’s moving here. I’m Shawn, that’s Alex and his wife, Tracy,” the cute blonde driver says.
They all turn around and say hi, as we pull away. I know Kelly said we were going four wheeling. I have an idea of what that means, but I’m sure it’s going to be totally different than what I expect. We drive for about fifteen minutes before heading up a large hill, hitting all the potholes along the way. It’s jarring and we are bouncing. This road is all gravel and I think the next rain will wash it out. I’m surprised when we clear the trees to see this amazingly beautiful log home spread out over the property. There are a few buildings and another gorgeous guy is there waiting.
“Hurry up. Got these guys gassed up and ready to go,” the guy says.
We all climb out of the truck. I look at the four-wheelers lined up. There are six of them. I am not driving one of these things. No way.
He starts handing the keys out. When he gets to me, I just stare.
“I can’t drive one. I’m sorry,” I say feeling like the party pooper.
“Where you from?” the guy asks.
“Chicago.”
“That explains it. Come on, you’ll ride with me,” he says.
I want to say that I will ride with Kelly, but I don’t since she doesn’t offer.
“Okay,” I answer meekly.
“Don’t worry. I won’t wreck ya. By the way, I’m Brady.”
“I’m Kerrigan. It’s nice to meet you.”
Everyone climbs onto their four-wheelers, and I follow suit. When I get on, I grab the bars on the back of the four wheeler. Brady grabs my arm and wraps it around his waist. It makes me completely uncomfortable.
“Hold on tight, little lady.”
Just like that, the engines rev and we are off. And, we go flying up the hills.
We’re running over logs, driving through puddles, and dodging tree branches. I’m so happy, at this point, that he told me to hold on because I’d have flown off this thing. We keep going like this for a long time. I find that I’m enjoying myself as we go up and over hills. There’s no talking, just this group trying to one-up each other on who gets the muddiest. The next thing I know, I’m covered in mud. This is the perfect thing to be doing right now. It’s freeing.
Before I know it, we head back down the hill and into what I assume is Brady’s place. Holy crap, it’s noon already.
“How’d you like that?” Kelly asks.
“I don’t know yet. I can’t feel my legs,” I laugh as I slowly climb off.
I’m going to be so sore.
“Let’s head inside to eat,” Brady says.
I look at all of us and we’re all filthy. This house is beautiful. I feel bad that we are dragging this mess into his home.
If I thought the outside was beautiful, the inside is a gem. It’s all rustic theme. Log beams cross the ceiling. You can tell a man has decorated it. It’s all leather furniture with a couple deer heads mounted to the wall. Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about that. I know hunting is a sport for most. Still, eating under Bambi is a little weird.
Brady leads us to the dining room all muddy and brings out the bread and lunch meats. He then lays it out on the table and says to fix what we want. I’m dying to ask questions. We all sit and eat. The talk is loud and people are talking over each other. It’s weird because I can still catch what everyone is talking about.
“So what brought you here, Kerrigan?” Brady asks while taking a bite of his sandwich. I realize I haven’t thought of Aaron at all today. I sink into my chair and look away. The room grows silent and I think everyone is trying to figure out what’s going on.
“She needed a change and I mean, I’m freaking awesome, so she made the move,” Kelly speaks up. No one says anything and they’re still staring at me. Dammit. I left so I didn’t have to be the abused girl.
“She’s right. I needed a change. Shit happens and I’m here,” I say hoping they leave it alone.
Thankfully, they do.
“Well, I hope you like it. It’s boring here, so we have to make our own fun,” Tracy says.
“I can tell. I had a good time,” I say.
“You know, Brady is single and rich,” Shawn says and I blush.
“I’m not.”
Maddox and I didn’t make it official, but we did declare our love. And, I want everyone here to know that I’m not interested in anything other than friendships.
“Zip it, Shawn,” Brady says.
“Well, you are,” Shawn responds.
I have to admit. I am wondering how someone who can’t be older than thirty has all of this and be single if he is this attractive. Brady is tall and his hair is blonde with a hint of red. I wouldn’t call him a ginger but close enough. His skin is dark though. He tans well and isn’t pasty pale.
“I’m not rich.” He looks at Shawn and then looks at me. “This land belonged to my parents. They passed away a few years back. I built this house up here because this was the place my dad took me camping. I own my own construction company and, since labor was cheap, I decided to go big,” Brady explains.
I think there is more to this story but I’ll leave it alone. I know all too well that some things are better left unsaid.
Maddox
Kerrigan has been gone a whole week. I caved and finally washed my sheets. I hated it but it had to be done. We talk daily. She told me that she met a few people and that she went four wheeling with her new friends. I tried to hide the jealousy when she said she had to ride on the back of a guy's four-wheeler. I trust her, though. She told me it was a fun day and she was happy. The thought of her happy made me happy. I can tell, in just the week she’s been gone, that she’s different.
Tonight, I invited Donna over. Molly’s parents went back to Kentucky so Noah doesn’t want to leave Molly alone. I couldn’t reach Evan so I called Donna, which is a first. I felt better about having her as a friend, with no benefits, after her and Kerrigan’s interaction. I can hear Donna knock on the door.
/> “Here, I brought some beer and chips. I don’t know what we’re watching so I got this,” she says laying it on the coffee table.
“I ordered some Chinese food. I didn’t know what you liked so I got a little bit of everything.”
As soon as I say this, another knock comes signaling the delivery guy. We grab our plates and start talking.
“Heard from Kerrigan?” she asks.
“Yeah, just got off the phone with her. She’s doing good,” I explain.
“Good, that’s good. Hopefully, she can find the answers she’s looking for.”
“That’s what we are hoping for,” I say.
Donna lets out a burp and I die laughing. It was a six hundred pound man burp.
“That totally deserves a ten. And gross,” I laugh out.
“Gross? What are you a girl?”
“No, and hearing that burp leads me to believe you aren’t either.”
We both start laughing. I’m enjoying her company. I don’t know a lot about her. If we’re going to be friends, I better start getting to know her better.
“Tell me about yourself,” I say.
“Not much to tell. Born and raised in Chicago. I just started my own event planning business. Other than that, nothing interesting.”
“No boyfriend? You told me I gave you hope that guys can be loveable. You found one yet?”
“Alright, I’m going to cut to the chase here. I’m not interested in men.”
“You saying what I think you’re saying?” I ask.
“If you’re thinking I’m gay, the answer is yes.”
“Hmm. Well, then. You have a girlfriend?” I ask. She laughs.
“Not yet. I got my eye on someone, though.”
“My advice? Waste no time. I wasted years with Kerrigan. Years I won’t get back,” I say, suddenly feeling sad. God, if I could go back to that day at the bar, I’d tell the blonde to fuck off.
“Good advice but, Maddox, there is no such thing as ‘wasted years’. All that means is years of self-discovery. I thought I wasted years by not coming out to my family. I knew they’d be upset and I didn’t want to be the cause of it. I learned they weren’t wasted; they were years of self-esteem building and really getting to know who I was. So, when I finally came out, I would do it with confidence and not be worried about what anyone thought.”
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