by Kit Smart
"No. You don't."
"I am a Lieutenant Commander and—”
"And I am not a Fleet Officer." Saverna bared her teeth in a deliberate parody of a smile.
The woman blanched and backed out of the room. "Send me Dr.Kincaid” Saverna shouted after her. Turning her attention back to Kosuri she saw that he had stilled and had closed his eyes. She finished releasing the restraint that bound his thighs and moved up to the one over his chest and arms. She was cognizant of the fact that Kosuri drew his legs up as she did so. Sore from being stuck in one position. His breathing began to calm the moment he felt her hands on his chest so she kept them there even after she had released the restraint.
Though his breathing remained calm if a little too steady, deep and even to be called normal, he immediately began to shift around on the table; moving his body and limbs this way and that in what Saverna recognized as an attempt to release tension and strain in his muscles and joints. After several moments of this he opened his eyes and Saverna sucked in a breath at the rawness of his gaze. Kosuri must have seen or heard the reaction because he immediately dropped his eyelids shut then only half reopened them effectively hooding his gaze.
Instinctively, Saverna reached up to cup his cheek. "It's okay." She told him as she kicked herself mentally. "You got hurt. You're supposed to be hurting. It's allowed."
He gave her a look she couldn't quite decipher then closed his eyes again only to open them after a moment wide and wary. Saverna brushed his temple with her thumb in response hoping, instinctively, to ground him with the contact. He turned his head into the contact in a manner so very like that of one of her horses that it reaffirmed her previous realization that like an untrained horse his body was locked in defense mode. She flashed on all the times he'd tensed, resisted or reacted adversely to contact. Guilt hit her hard but she shoved it aside ruthlessly. Now is not the time. Now is about him. Now is about making certain he feels safe and as comfortable as possible. She studied him. But how to do that? After a moment it occurred to her to ask. He's not a horse you idiot. He can use his words.
She stroked his temple hoping that the rhythm would provide a focus for him. "Kos how can I help?"
His gaze sharpened briefly with something akin to hope before succumbing once again to wariness. "I need to—get up." By his tone it was clear that he was expecting her to refuse. Deliberately Saverna held his gaze. "Okay." She told him and was rewarded by a flash of hope in his eyes one that quickly dimmed when she continued. "But we need to get permission from a doctor first so that we don't exacerbate your injuries. I've sent for Doctor Kincaid—Annaleis.” She hastened to add when he started to turn his head away in response to the word Doctor. What happened here?
Without looking at her, Kosuri rolled to his side and began to push himself up. Instinctively Saverna put her hands on his shoulders to stop him. “I need to get up.” He gritted in a tone that had her freezing uncertainly. You are off kilter are you not?
“Okay.” She said finally remembering how he hadn’t wanted to lay down during his IV; how he’d reacted to being in sickbay. “But we need to be careful.” She nodded in the direction of his abdomen. "To avoid putting any pressure on your wound." She was gratified when the hope flared back to life.
Through trial and error they got him sitting up with his legs dangling off the edge of the exam table. He had just reached forward to brace himself on her shoulders in what was by now such a practiced motion that neither of them had to give it much thought, when he began to shake. Alarmed Saverna tilted her head back to get a good look at him only to breathe a sigh of relief as she recognized that he was in shock. Reaching around him she used her hands on his back to pull him closer. When she felt his forehead drop to the crook of her neck she stopped pulling and used them instead to rub his back as he shook and panted. "You're okay." She told him despite being certain that he was so buried in reaction that he couldn't hear her.
Several minutes in she felt a touch on her back as Annaleis Kincaid came round beside her. "Shock?" The doctor asked Saverna even while she visually assessed Kosuri. Saverna noted with interest that the doctor didn't even attempt to touch him. While she applauded the doctor's caution, she wondered what had happened that had caused Annaleis to be so circumspect.
"The anesthesia overloaded his nervous system." Annaleis explained softly as if sensing Saverna's question. "He came out from under fighting." She nodded at the bed. "The Chief ordered restraints."
Glancing down, Saverna saw that the Admiral's eyes were closed and his face set as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. From his breathing; deep and deliberate, she recognized that he was at the point where he was becoming claustrophobic from the pain. I need to get him up. She turned to Annaleis. "If his surgical wounds allow, I need to get him on his feet and moving around—“ She saw the instinctive protest start to form on Annaleis' face and continued before the doctor could open her mouth. “—he's been on his back too long." She willed her friend to take in what she was telling her rather than going into Doctor mode. "He needs to stretch." He needs to get the pain under control.
To her acute relief Annaleis bit her lip and then slowly nodded. "We can't have another...." She stopped and changed tracks. "His surgical wounds are fine as far as getting up is concerned. There will be some tenderness as the surgical nanos continue to work over the next couple of days but there is no danger of reopening the wound."
Good news. Saverna thought with some relief. "Can I take him back to quarters?" She grimaced as she remembered what a bloody mess Kosuri's bedroom was but realized that he could use her room until his was cleaned. I can sleep on the floor.
Annaleis hesitated. "I'd prefer to keep him here where we can monitor him..." She started then grimaced as her professional knowledge came into conflict with her personal knowledge of Kosuri.
"Annaleis, he needs some privacy..." She prodded gently hoping her friend would read the subtext. He needs somewhere where he doesn't have to be the Admiral so that when all of the shock and pain of the evening hits him he can scream and pant and curse and shake and vomit and do whatever else he needs to do to get through it. He can't do that here.
"I don't have the authority to release him." Annaleis said finally. "The Chief has declared him non compos mentis. Officially, she would need to release him into your care." She lowered her voice slightly. “I don’t thing she’s going to do that Meg.”
“Why not?”
Annaleis said nothing.
Saverna tried to read into the look her friend was giving her. Decided that she was hesitant to speak in front of the admiral. Since Saverna was not about to release Kosuri any time soon she repeated her question: “Why not?”
“Meg—” Annaleis chewed her bottom lip. “He woke up fighting the anesthesia.”
“You said that.” Saverna cut her off as she felt Kosuri’s shaking intensify. “He needs to get out of here. Now.”
“He injured the surgeon and two corpsmen. Destroyed a surgical theatre. The chief isn’t going to just let him go. Not while he’s like this.”
“He was attacked—stabbed in bed while he was sleeping, only to wake up in a totally different environment after a surgery he wasn’t prepared for.” Saverna bit out. “On top of all of that is the anesthesia and how it works with his physiology. He wasn’t exactly in his right mind.”
“You know that and I know that,” Annaleis replied. “But they don’t know that.” She nodded toward the door. “And his current state isn’t exactly confidence building.” She tilted her head to look down at the floor before looking back up. “Even knowing what I know, I have reservations about letting him leave sickbay.”
“You’re afraid of him?” Saverna asked disbelievingly.
“I’m afraid for him.” Annaleis corrected her firmly. “This isn’t just a scratch Meg. He needs dedicated ongoing medical attention. You’re just not equipped—”
“What would it take?” Saverna broke in.
“Take?” Annaleis
frowned in confusion.
“What would it take to get equipped? To get him released?”
“Drugs.” Annaleis responded promptly and bluntly in a way that revealed she’d been thinking on the matter. “Pain meds and possibly some sort of tranquilizer. They’ll improve his presentation and serve as assurance that he is medically compliant. He’ll also need on-site medical supervision.” She pointed to herself. “I can do that.”
“I thought he wasn’t able to take pain meds because of his physiology.”
“He can’t.” Annaleis said. “Not on the daily in any case. They interfere with his ability to function.”
“They make me loopy.” Kosuri said into her shoulder.
“Glad to have you with us Admiral.” Annaleis leaned her hip against the exam table. “Have you been following along?”
“Yes.” He rasped in a voice that had Saverna making a mental note to get him some ice chips.
“Are you amenable to taking meds?”
“Status report?”
“I spoke with Captain Odell—” Saverna glanced at the chronometer. “Approximately 15 minutes ago. As per procedure, Odell has taken temporary command of the flotilla. The flotilla is on red alert and maintaining battle formation.”
“Good. Good man Odell.” Kosuri told her neck. “The attack—”
“Has been dealt with.” Saverna cut him off severely. “Everything is under control. You’re not needed Admiral.”
There was an audible hiss as Kosuri sucked in a breath.
“We’ll reassess the meds after 24 hours Admiral.” Annaleis inserted softly into the silence.
“We?”
“You, me,” She leveled a look at Saverna. “Your bat.”
“I’m doomed.” Kosuri gave a small huff of laughter. “She’ll keep me drugged until the end of my days.”
Snorting obligingly in reaction to the attempt at humor, Saverna continued to run her hands along his spine. “Is that a yes?”
“I don’t want to be knocked out.”
“I’ll keep you conscious.” Annaleis agreed.
05:06, SUNDAY, SICKBAY, THE ASARO
“Will you be quiet!?”
Startled, Saverna glanced over at Kosuri from where she’d stationed herself in a chair beside his bed. “I didn’t say anything.” She defended herself automatically. The admiral had not, she noted, opened his eyes.
“Well stop thinking so loudly!” He told her; a languor to his tone that she hadn’t heard from him previously.
“I feel like now is a good time to ask you what year it is.” She muttered half amused, half worried.
“Don’t care.” He lifted a hand and waved at the room at large. “About any of it. None of it matters.”
“Are you having an existential crises or something?”
“Maybe.” He opened one eye a slit. Gave her a look. “Or something.”
“You seem to matter an awful lot to an awful lot of people for someone who is so indifferent to the universe in general.”
“Do I?” He looked perplexed. He opened his other eye.
“Somebody did just try to kill you.” Saverna reminded him.
“Somebody?” He asked her quietly.
“Your exec.” Saverna frowned. “Odell’s exec.” She corrected herself as she followed the tangled threads of fleet protocol to their semi logical ends.
“I didn’t imagine that then.”
“No.” Is this what you mean by loopy?
“Do you have any idea why?”
“He was a covert operative for the pirates.”
Kosuri nodded. “And what have you done with him?”
Saverna noted the you and wanted to squirm with guilt. It was her job to protect him after all so whatever needed doing would be within her purview to do. It should never have happened. “I beheaded him.”
The admiral’s eyes snapped fully open as he attempted to lurch upright into a sitting position only to groan and wrap an arm around his abdomen as his body protested the insult. “You what?!”
Saverna was up out of her chair and across the room before she’d even consciously formed the intention to move. She reached toward him with the intention of pushing him back onto the bed only to freeze with her hands centimeters from his shoulders in the realization that he had already pushed himself completely upright and seemed to be no worse for wear for having done so.“I’m drugged.” Kosuri pointed out. “You can’t hurt me.”
“The drugs don’t appear to be working all that well.” She pointed out with a nod in the direction of his belly.
“That’s different.” Giving her a cautious look he tried to straighten only to grimace as his body protested the movement. “I’m okay everywhere else.” He told her. “Even this isn’t so bad. Just different. I need a moment to adjust.”
“Just take a deep breath or something.” Saverna flapped her hands as she tried to figure out the best course of action for this new situation.
“Take a deep breath? My insides have been ripped out!” A joke by god!
“I would like to join you in acknowledging the difficulties of your life.” She deadpanned taking her cue from him.
“You are the worst at this comfort thing.”
“So I’ve been told.” She finally found the wherewithal to lower her hands to his shoulders. Sighed in relief when he leaned into the touch as was—as had been—his custom before the events of the past night. “Can I help you lay back?”
“No.”
“No?” She was confused. Surely you don’t mean to sit up like this or get up just now?
“Get me some pillows and prop me up if you’d be so kind LT.” Apparently reading her confusion he continued after a moment. “I don’t want to be on my back. Particularly not for a discussion on beheading.”
“Ah. Okay.” Beheading discussion. I’m involved in beheading discussions now. Stepping back, she grabbed all of the pillows she could find from the medical supply locker beside the bed. “I was in hospital for a year after Aizwlhar,” He explained after he’d settled in against the pillows. “I was on my back for most of it.” He looked down at the blankets covering his legs. “I was a medical curiosity and a…problem in need of solving.” He looked up at her then. “There were a lot of people—medical personnel in and out, examining and…” He trailed off gave her a small shrug and an even smaller smile. “I am particular about touch. As you know.”
Saverna took in the shame she heard interwoven in his explanation. Tried to figure out how to ask what she wanted, what she needed to ask. “Is that why?”
“I freaked out on you earlier?” He continued for her when she paused uncertain how to continue. “Yes.”
“Reacted.” She corrected because his word choice bothered her.
“What?”
“You had a reaction. Not a freak out.”
Kosuri sucked in a breath, gave her a look. “How can you be so easy about this? With me?”
Saverna was taken aback. “I could ask you the same thing. My carelessness just about got you killed tonight.”
“You weren’t expecting, had no way of knowing—”
“Neither did you.”
A range of expressions flitted across his face before his expression settled into a kind of hopeful wonder that knocked the breath out of Saverna and had her sinking down to sit beside him on the bed. “No one’s ever—” He told her quietly his tone pleased but so raw Saverna wanted to rub at the spot above her heart which had begun to ache. She settled for taking his right hand in hers. “They should have. They should.”
He held her gaze for a long moment before looking down. “I require a lot of easiness. More than is reasonable.” He glanced back up at her his eyes serious. “I don’t blame them.” He swallowed hard. “I hurt people tonight—members of my own crew. I’m going to lose my command. I deserve to lose my command.”
Kos felt his insides rearrange themselves as Saverna laughed. “I think you may need to get in line Admiral. If anyone is going to lose
anything career related as a result of this night’s events, it’s most likely going to be me.” She used her free hand to point to herself. “The one who both let you get injured and beheaded the exec of your flagship on the bridge.”
Astonishment sent his eyebrows shooting towards his hairline. “On the bridge?” Some part of his brain took in the fact that she was massaging the hand she held clasped in hers as she spoke. You are a wonder Saverna.
“I had to send a message.” Her wry look invited him to be amused at the vein of absurdity contained within all the horror.
“To who?” He asked even though he thought he knew.
“To the pirates.” She confirmed. “Your exec was a double agent.”
Kosuri nodded slowly as he took that in. “You interrogated him first I gather?”
“Of course.”
He hesitated, heart pounding, before asking the next question. What answer is it that you want here Kosuri? He asked himself mockingly because he knew already that he didn’t know. He made himself ask the question anyway. “What was the message?”
She looked at him like she doubted his mental state. “The message?”
“What was the message you were sending to the pirates?” He forced out despite the sudden pounding of his heart that made it difficult to get the words out evenly.
Her hand ceased its massaging and he tightened his grip on it reflexively in fear that she was about to pull away. You’re a pathetic mess. He told himself to let go of her hand and after a moment he was able to force his fingers to relax. When he made to pull his hand away however, Saverna tightened her grip and to his everlasting relief resumed her massage. “Don’t mess with what’s mine.”
“I beg your pardon?”
She frowned at him like she had serious doubts about his mental state. “The message.” She reminded him. “The message was ‘don’t mess with what’s mine.”
Mine. The word reverberated through Kosuri soothing sharp edges and lighting dark corners of his soul; settled into his body sending warmth through his damaged joints and strained muscles. Mine. He wanted to pull her against him. Feel her skin against his, let her body settle his. A tendril of trepidation twisted through him at the impulse. She doesn’t mean what you think she does idiot. Closing his eyes he struggled to shove the genie of his hope and the shame that accompanied it back into the bottle. The feel of her hand on his pulled the feelings back out of the bottle as fast as he shoved them in and humiliated despair swept through him as he felt his mouth open to ask the question he already knew the answer to; the question he knew better than to ask: “Mine?”