I wish for…
“Can’t sleep?”
I look around and see a man leaning against the railing and staring down into the courtyard. He’s average in every sense of the word: average height, average build, average face. He turns to look at me, giving a small smile of hello, and I do the same back.
“I have trouble sleeping. Always have, but this past year has been even harder, don’t you think?” he asks, though he isn’t looking at me anymore. He’s looking at the sky, much like I did only moments ago.
I turn to walk away from him because I’ve never been one for small talk anyway, but right now is a definite no-no.
“It’s Nina, right?” he asks my retreating back.
“Why?” I turn to face him, glad that I’ve put some distance between us.
“Because I have someone you need to meet.”
I quirk an eyebrow. “Unless it’s James Hetfield from Metallica, I highly doubt that.”
I may have previously had a penchant for shoes and getting my nails painted, but that didn’t stop me from having awesome taste in music.
The man laughs, and I can tell it’s genuine. “My name’s James. But listen, we can’t talk here. There are changes coming, changes that won’t benefit the people, and we need to discuss what we’re going to do about that.”
“The people?” I smirk and he smirks right back.
“Yes, the people. Our people—your people, none of this army ‘command and conquer’ bullshit.” He gestures with his head and starts to walk away, and I follow him because I’m already sold on what he’s selling.
We head around the back of the building, avoiding the soldiers on duty, and we slip into a tent. Inside are a handful of other people whose eyes all look me over as I enter. I recognize a lot of the people in here. Most of them I’ve worked with in some capacity or another over the past month. There are runners, carriers, clearers. They are my people, and I understand what James was talking about now.
I follow him into the center of the tent, and I sit when he sits. Other people are here, yet the older man opposite me is who I am here to see—of that I am certain. He doesn’t smile or offer any kind of acknowledgment, but gets right down to business.
“There’s talk that Colonel Smith already has plans in place to stop civilian involvement in the running of this place. I’m here to put a stop to that. And everyone you see here is going to help me.” He is a no-nonsense sort of man that I can instantly respect. I like that he’s not bullshitting me and that he’s telling it to me like is. “I want you to help too, Nina. You and as many people as you can get to help.”
“What—”
“What am I planning on doing?”
I nod and he continues. “I’m planning to overthrow the colonel and put myself in charge. I want what’s best for everyone. I want us all to work together. I want a community to be proud of, that won’t kill people for no reason. The colonel has rations hidden. He’s been lying this entire time about how much we have, and I think it’s time to put an end to his ruling.”
I swallow, because well, shit, that was kind of dramatic. But I don’t say that. Instead I nod and agree with what he’s saying while I make up my mind. I continue listening to his calm and controlled rants about how much food and ammo is stored away and being kept from us, about what the world is really like out there, beyond our walls, and I buy into it, hook, line, and sinker. Because in my heart of hearts I know he’s right. But also because I’m angry.
He continues calmly. “We have guards that agree with us, and they’re willing to help put me in charge, let me rule this place like it should be ruled—with compassion and equality.”
James puts his hand on my shoulder and I glance over at him. He smiles. “We have to be united if this is going to work. We want a better society for all. Lee is going to help us get that.”
I nod and agree, looking across at the older man that I assume is Lee. That is what we all want, and it seems so much fairer than what things were like previously. “How do you know that the colonel is definitely going to revert things back to how they used to be?”
“A sensible question.” Carter pushes his way to the center of the circle and I gasp in surprise. Mr. Rigid is actually breaking the rules.
“Carter has brought us all the intel that we need, and he’s behind us in helping to stop the plans,” Lee says with confidence.
My mouth is still open in shock at Carter’s involvement, but I can’t hide the fact that his presence makes me feel much better. I trust Carter and I believe in his heart of hearts he wants what’s good for this place.
“I’m in,” I say confidently. “But look, I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”
“Neither do we,” Lee agrees, and I watch as the other people in the tent nod and agree also. “Well, we’ll be in touch then. We need to get more people on board if we’re going to do this with as little fuss as possible, and that’s not going to happen overnight.”
James stands up, ready to guide me back out, but Carter steps toward me. “I’ve got this,” he says to James and takes my hand.
I let him lead me back outside, and though I like his hand on mine, as soon as we are outside I pull my hand free. I don’t want to lead him on or give him the wrong impression; he deserves better than that. I can tell that he’s a good man.
Carter speaks, and when he does, his voice is thick with emotion. “I was married, before all of this. I mean, I guess I still technically am, but I can’t think like that. If I do…” His words trail off for a moment. “I couldn’t get back to her—Elise. I had a duty, orders to fulfill, people to keep safe. I wasn’t allowed to go back for my wife.”
He is close to the breaking point. I can see it in his eyes and in his stance as we walk across the courtyard, not needing to hide now or avoid the other soldiers because I’m with Carter. He doesn’t break, though. He wrings out his hands and then he clears his throat.
I keep pace with him easily. “I’m sorry,” I say.
Carter shakes his head. “Only got myself to blame. Things are going to get bad around here for a short time. Protocol wasn’t followed and now people are dead. The colonel thinks that protocol must always be followed, regardless of everything else. I used to think that too, but not anymore.” He stops walking and looks at me. “As of today, civilians are now no longer allowed to carry weapons of any sort. They are also forbidden to leave the base, or wander unaccompanied round the compound. ”
“He can’t do that!” I whisper angrily.
“It was because of a civilian that this outbreak happened, Nina. We lost twelve people because of that one person not following orders, and the colonel won’t let that happen again.”
“And some of those died because Masterson was allowed to get a little trigger happy!” I grind out.
“I agree. That’s why I’m helping with this.”
I fold my arms across my chest, feeling angry. “So what now?”
Carter continues walking, looking down at me as we head back to my room. “Like I said, now things will get harder.”
“Harder?” I ask.
“Curfews, rations. The colonel is bringing in some new laws.” He runs a hand over his jaw, and without a doubt he feels uncomfortable telling me any of this. “Banishment for those that don’t do as they are told.”
“What!?”
“And no one else comes in. This is it now. The entire place is on lockdown.”
“But people will die, Carter.”
I feel sick, dizzy with the realization that this is it now, at least for the foreseeable future. It shouldn’t come as a surprise and yet it does. Colonel Smith had warned me that if things—people—couldn’t be controlled, then he would control them. And yet the way things have been the past month or so, I never believed he would really do it. Things have been going well. We’ve been working together. We’re making this work. Why would he just end it all so abruptly?
“Just sit tight, keep your head down. Masterson is gun
ning for you.” Carter’s hand finds mine but I pull away from him. “He only wants a reason to shoot you, or banish you.”
“Why? What the hell did I ever do to him?” I grit out.
“You made him look bad. So did I. He hates us both, but I can handle him, and I’ll protect you.” He’s so confident and self-assured, and it’s the first time I’ve seen a hint of his arrogance.
“I can look after myself,” I reply, hating the way he sees me. Like I’m the sort of woman that needs saving.
“No, you can’t.” Carter’s eyes burn into me with a force that sends shivers down my spine.
“Yes, I can. I don’t need a babysitter or a protector.” My voice is rising in annoyance and I can’t reel it back in.
Carter pulls me behind a building and pushes me up against the wall. “Nina, when you arrived, I promised you that I would protect you, and I intend to hold up my end of the bargain as long as I can.” He’s so close I can hardly breathe, but I can’t back away from him either.
“Get away from me! What the hell is wrong with you, Carter? Don’t turn me into some sort of victim that needs a man to protect her.”
He stares down at me, and I stare back defiantly.
“I’m not the same woman that arrived here. I’ve changed. Everything has changed, don’t you see that?”
His nostrils flare slightly right before he bends down and presses his mouth to mine, forcing a kiss on me that I don’t want or need. I push at him, my free hand hitting his chest while he continues to grip my body tightly. His other hand reaches for me, gripping my arms roughly and pulling me closer to him, slamming his body roughly against mine as his mouth finally releases me.
“I’m trying to protect you!” he shouts into my face angrily, his eyes finding a new fire in them and burning brighter than I’ve ever seen before. “That’s all I’ve ever tried to do.”
“I don’t need your protection!” I yell back just as angrily, my own fire burning fierce and hot. “I don’t want you, don’t you get it? I don’t want you and I don’t need you!”
I see the hurt flash in his eyes, the sting of rejection across his face. “Fine,” he snarls and takes a step away from me, his cheeks burning bright red, “then you’re on your own from here on out.”
Chapter Nineteen.
I run through the darkness, my knife held by the side of my body in a death grip. My breathing is ragged as I stop and crouch down next to one of the dumpsters that contain wood. My breath fans out in front of me like smoke and I notice that my boots have disturbed the light dusting of snow on the ground.
Tesrin is seconds behind me, her body bumping against mine as she comes to a stop. The sound of the guards’ footsteps pass by and I stand up and continue to run with Tesrin following closely behind, her dark hair flying out behind her. We make it to our tent and quickly climb back inside as if we have been here all night, zipping the flap of material closed behind us. We slip off our boots before sliding quietly into our sleeping bags and finally we catch our breaths.
We lay facing each other in the dark, barely able to see the wide smiles on each other’s faces. But we both know that they are there.
Things have been stressful and tense the past couple of weeks. Colonel Smith has put everyone and everything under a tight lockdown. Especially civilians. He has gone from managing us to ruling us with an iron fist in one quick swoop. It makes me wonder if this had been his plan all along, or if perhaps he’s just lost all common sense somewhere along the way.
No one is allowed to leave anymore. No matter what the reason. And no one dares argue with him. He’s constantly on the brink of losing it, as if he can sense that something is coming and he knows that there are traitors on his team. This sort of thing can send a man insane; I know because I’m watching it happen with him.
People are unhappy. Civilians, soldiers, everyone.
And now people are talking. A lot. It started as just the verbal diarrhea of angry civilians. Just bullshit from people who were frightened. And I get that, I understand that. I’m angry too, and frightened, but at least I’m in on the plan; I know things will change for the better soon.
So now more and more people are joining our ranks and getting ready to put an end to Colonel Smith’s dictatorship. I’m afraid, but then again, I’m always afraid. I’ve been living in fear for almost eighteen months now; ever since this hell began and my world ended. So I ignore my fear and I plow on regardless, because I have to change things. I can’t live like this forever; there has to be more.
People aren’t meant to live in cages and follow orders. We’re supposed to be free. I want us to be free, even if the whole thing’s just a fucking illusion anyway because we’re still trapped behind these walls.
Tesrin and I just got back from a meeting with some of the people that are planning the coup—a full-on takeover and elimination of Colonel Smith and anyone who dares to follow him. Though I don’t agree with taking such drastic measures, I also can’t see another way around it. The elimination part isn’t something I like to think about too much either. It feels too much like civilization is sliding into its own extinction when I think like that. As if it is all perfectly normal to go around eliminating both humans and deaders alike.
And maybe that’s what the world really is coming to, but I can’t think like that. I can’t get lost in that insanity quite yet.
“What do you think?” Tesrin asks, her breathing still erratic from our midnight run.
I shrug but then remember she can’t see me properly in the dark. “I don’t know. Lee seems like an asshole, but people listen to him. So I guess it’s either him or things continue as they are—”
“Things can’t continue like this,” Tesrin cuts in.
“I know, I know,” I agree quickly.
Last week we heard that Colonel Smith had turned away a family. I didn’t see or hear it happen, but Daniels, one of the soldiers in on the coup, said that there had been a little boy of around four or five and a baby with them. And the colonel turned them away because they had nothing that he needed.
It was what had finally turned this thing around. What had set a lot more of the guards on their traitorous path. It was what had really started to make people think.
There aren’t many soldiers in on this—maybe ten in all. Three that I don’t really know, and two I do. Carter and Daniels. Though Carter still won’t speak to me, even though now we are technically on the same team. Tesrin says it’s because of his pride. That a man’s pride at the end of the world is the only thing left that is pure and true. She’s a real goddamned poet when she wants to be. But whatever. His pride can suck it. He has no right to try and force a kiss or anything else on me. I made it clear that I only wanted friendship and he chose to ignore me altogether. Carter is an asshole.
I have no doubts that Lee doesn’t give a damn about the family that got turned away. To him it’s all about food and power. The doubt that niggles in my belly that maybe we’re trading one dangerous leader for another hasn’t left me since I first heard about all of this. But I still go along with it, because surely anything has to be better than this.
We’re confined to our rooms for most of the day, and forbidden from doing anything but what we’re told. People are hungry as rationing is brought into effect, because with less people going out on ration runs, there are bigger cuts backs than ever.
We don’t have enough of anything to get us through the winter; I know this without even knowing how many supplies we have left. Colonel Smith now keeps everything under lock and key, with only him knowing the true number. But I remember the previous figures. I remember what we had in the stores several weeks ago. And I know that no one has been outside since he sealed up the entrance like the total asshole he is.
The start of winter has finally arrived, and with the cold beating down on our door and hunger burning holes in our guts, there is nothing else left to do but rebel.
I only hope it’s the right thing to do.
“Hey, hey…this is the right thing. With a civilian in power, we can get this place running smoother. More like a home than a concentration camp.” Tesrin’s hand reaches out and touches my face.
Her fingers are cold and thin. I reach up and wrap my hands around hers.
“I know. It’ll be fine.”
“It will,” she says with warmth in her voice. “Tomorrow night this will all be over, Nina, and we will all be happy again.”
And she believes it so unfalteringly that I’m jealous of her. I want to be without doubt, but I’m not.
I lie there in silence, waiting until her breathing evens out, and I release her hand and turn over onto my back. My breath clouds in the frigid air and I wish I had a window to look out of. I want to see the stars. I want to see the clear night sky. I want to be firm in my resolve like Tesrin is. But I can’t have any of those things, so I lay my faith in trust.
Trust, because my instincts are telling me something different.
Things are bad right now, but surely they have to be better with someone else in charge?
Chapter Twenty.
Three months later…
“We need to make an example of you.” Lee’s voice rings out loud and clear against the battering of the wind.
You would think it would be stolen away—gripped by the icy breeze and sucked to another place, another time. Another life. But it isn’t. His words hang, heavy and purposeful, in the air.
An example. What the hell does he mean, an example? What is he going to do? String her up like a pig and throw rotten food at her? This isn’t the eighteenth century. That sort of shit doesn’t happen anymore. We got rid of Colonel Smith so we wouldn’t have to live like this anymore.
The Dead Saga: Odium 0.5 (Nina's Story) Page 13