by Brannon, M.
This is going to be so hard and it takes me a moment to collect my words. “I was terrified. When I broke into the door and saw what she’d done…I was so scared. She was lifeless and not responding to anything I was saying. Then her heart stopped and the paramedics started doing chest compressions. I had to watch her die.” I do what I can to choke back my own emotions when I recall the worst night of my life, watching the one I love dying. There’s nothing I could do to help her. I was fucking helpless. “I felt like I died right along with her.” I let the single tear swell in my eye and drip down my face. So many feelings I didn’t even know existed surfaced that night and began raging through me like a rapid river. I’ll never forget it. I shed many tears and almost beat my brother senseless. “That’s why I chose to move out of the apartment. Everywhere I look, it reminded me of that horrible night. Nothing felt good about living there and I had to get out—had to go home.”
Dr. Garner recognizes my need to take a break and stops with all the horrifying questions. He exits the room to retrieve sodas, leaving Presley and I with all the emotions that are stagnant in the air. I’m not sure what to say.
She has no idea what really happened the night she overdosed because we’ve never talked about it. It kills me to tell her what it felt like to watch her die in front of me, but I’m glad she finally gets to see what her actions caused. She’s staring at her feet, lost inside herself. I crave to touch her and take all the pain she feels away.
We continue the silence between us, but I can’t handle another moment with her out of my arms. I slide to the middle of the couch and pull her up into my arms. She climbs onto my lap, tucking her body against my chest, taking deep breaths in and out as I squeeze her close to my body. She looks up into my eyes and I can see she’s scared.
I lean down and kiss her on the lips then whisper, “I love you. We’ll make it, baby.” I lift her chin. Her hypnotizing brown eyes meet mine. I want her to know how serious my devotion to her is. “I promise, baby. We. Will. Make. It.”
Before she can respond, Dr. Garner comes back in with bottles of cherry soda and resumes his seat in the chair across from us. Presley nods her head then slides off my lap, but stays tucked under my arm.
“So we’ve talked about that night and your feelings around her drug use, but now I want to talk about your daughter. I know there are some mixed feelings surrounding your daughter and to be fair to both of you, we need to get those feelings out. Drake, tell Presley how you felt when you discovered she was going to get an abortion.”
“She already knows how I felt.” I really don’t need to rehash these old feelings because we lived them together twenty weeks too long. “I couldn’t speak to her for several weeks, I was so angry with her.” Man, this dude is starting to really irritate me.
“Okay, and when did that feeling change?”
A big smile stretches across my face, remembering seeing my baby girl on the screen and Presley’s growing belly. It was an amazing moment in my life. “When she had her ultrasound and I saw my baby. Every negative feeling fell away and only Presley and Mia mattered from that point on.” I look over to Presley and she is smiling as big as I am.
That was a very emotional day and the first time in years I cried. Seeing Mia made my entire perspective change. I now had to be a protector and advocate to a very delicate life. Every single thing I did from that day on mattered because this tiny little baby depended on it. My life changed that day. Presley has always been my focus from the moment we met and now there is also Mia. She gave me purpose. Direction. Dedication. I wanted to be everything my father wasn’t. And the moment I saw Presley’s enlarged belly and Mia’s little shape on the screen, I knew I was put on this earth to love these girls. Nothing has changed and nothing ever will.
Presley
We’ve only been at this for an hour and I’m ready to jump off the roof. Drake was very open and honest with his feelings which made me happy for his participation. However, mostly, I’m feeling like shit, knowing every stupid thing I did broke him apart bit by bit until he was nothing other than pieces of human carnage. Knowing his true feelings explains the look in his eyes the night he came to the hospital; the night I overdosed and the last night I spent in Sulfur Heights before I left to come here. I will never forget the way he looked at me. He was like I’ve never seen him, a husk of the person I fell in love with, completely and utterly shattered all at the hands of my selfishness and my disease.
“Now Drake, we’ve dealt with a lot of emotions already today, but now I think it’s time for Presley to start talking. Presley, are you ready to talk about what happened when you lived with your uncle?” I nod, but can’t meet his eye. “Drake, I’m assuming you know what happened?” He nods. “She told me she would be ready to tell me what happened when you were here. Go ahead, whenever you’re ready, Presley.”
I really hate him right now and I don’t hold off the daggered look I’m boring into him. It’s now or never. I take a deep breath, diving head first into the pits of Hell.
The moment I start speaking, the words fall from my mouth. I begin shedding all the pain I’ve held inside myself for the last three years. I hold nothing back when I talk about the few months I spent in Robert Stein’s house. I talk about the first time he physically hurt me by singeing my skin with a cigar, just like Darcie. I tell Dr. Garner how he was always calling me Margaret and taking any anger he had toward his missing stepdaughter out on me. Then finally, I start to relive the last two weeks I spent with him. The last two weeks that have been haunting my thoughts, feeding on my sanity.
The same night Darcie was almost raped, I was kidnapped and held captive in her prior hell. “I was scared to tell anyone what Robert was doing to me, and at that point in our relationship, Drake and I were not physical. He never saw the injuries I was hiding.” I expel a deep breath and keep up my courage to talk. “The night he took me to the house where I escaped, I had no idea what was in store for me. I think he drugged me because I don’t remember exactly how I got into the house. When I woke up, I was stripped to my panties and handcuffed to an old bed.”
Flashes of those two weeks are playing like a horror movie through my head. Drake refuses to let go of my hand as I travel down the deranged memory lane. “All he kept saying to me while I was there was, ‘Don’t worry. You’re only bait. I just need to make this look good’. Then Robert would cut me with his razor blade or whip me with a belt. He would say he was setting the stage for his revenge, and I had no idea what he meant. I didn’t even know who he wanted his revenge on. I was so scared, and all I knew was that I was going to die in that house. The fear was crippling. I was sure I wouldn’t make it out alive.”
The tears are pouring down my face when my mind recalls every horrific event. Drake keeps his jaw clenched tight as here calls just how painful that time was for him. “Robert called the school, telling them I had mono. Then he took my cell phone, texting Drake and Darcie, telling them the same thing, so for two weeks, no one was looking for me.”
Dr. Garner looks over at me with astonishment and I can safely say it’s the first time in sixty days he has been rendered speechless. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to mention how I got out of the house or how Robert really died. Dr. Garner can pick up on when I’m withholding the truth, I’ve tried many times and so far he always calls me on it.
After several moments of silence he asks, “Wow, Presley. We definitely identified your trigger for your bouts of depression, but what I’m struggling with is why? Why did you choose to hold it all inside instead of talking to a councilor, policeman or anyone about what happened to you?”
And there it is. The fucking questions I’ve been trying to avoid for the last sixty days. What the hell am I supposed to say? What can I say that won’t ruin everything I already have?
Before I have a chance to respond, Drake speaks up. “Where we live, there really isn’t anyone who can help you. The police are corrupt and don’t really care what happe
ns to some white trash kids on the Southside. Talking to the police really would have done no good. Robert was rich and had all of them in his pockets, or so we thought. Teachers, councilors and all those types of people turn a blind eye to these types of things. I’ve lived in this town my entire life and it’s always been this way.”
Holy crap. There is no way I could have come up with an answer like that. My man is amazing, always saving me when I’m drowning in a sea of doubt. I look from Drake to Dr. Garner and he seems to be please with Drake’s response, well, almost.
“What do you mean ‘so you thought’?” Dr. Garner asks.
I chime in because I know this to be true, “Apparently, Robert had a gambling problem and owed money to gangsters. The police found his remains in the house where he held me captive. They said he died in the fire.”
“How did you escape? Did the gangsters free you?” Dr. Garner looks confused and now I’m starting to panic all over again. Drake squeezes my hand and reassures me with a little kiss to the top of my head.
“No, Darcie.”
“Darcie? Wait a minute…was she his revenge, his missing stepdaughter?” Dr. Garner is practically sitting on the edge of his chair, like a little kid watching a movie on the big screen for the first time. It makes me feel sick.
“Yes.” The painful memories are surrounding me in the room, cloaking me in fear, and I can feel my body begin to shiver. The memories have been expelled from my body, yet now they are living breathing monsters hanging in the air. “The only reason he held me captive was to get to Darcie. I was his bait and he knew she would come rescue me once she saw where I was. Darcie was once there herself before she escaped. Robert hated her. He thought she was the reason his wife died and he tortured Darcie for years. Then he found out we were friends and knew exactly how he was going to get her to come to him. Darcie managed to get past him and we escaped out of the window. And now he’s dead.” I release a breath, hoping he doesn’t dig up what happened once I left that house. I wasn’t there, but I know what Reggie did and I commend him for it. He killed a monster. Darcie’s been right along. Reggie is a modern day knight in shining armor.
“Where did you live after Robert’s death?”
“Reggie Evans adopted me. We worked with the guidance councilor at school and she referred us to her social worker friend. It took a little while, but Reggie got legal custody of me and I’ve been living with them ever since.” Thank God. It’s the only thing I can say. Who knows what would’ve happened to me if Reggie hadn’t adopted me. I may have been put in foster care or moved back to Memphis, living with Delilah. I’m not sure which scenario would be worse.
“Who is Reggie Evans? Is he a relation of yours?” Dr. Garner asks, looking at Drake.
“He’s my brother. After my birth mom traded me for heroin, Reggie pleaded with his mom to keep me. I guess she was just going to leave me in front of a fire station or some shit, but he said he would take care of me. That’s how I came to live there and when Reggie was eighteen, his mom overdosed on meth. Then he became legal guardian for his two half brothers and me. We’ve been on our own ever since. When he found out what happened to Presley, Reggie took her in and that’s how she came to live with us.”
“He sounds like a noble man.”
“He is. I couldn’t ask for a better brother and role model. I’ve always strived to live my life like him. Reggie is selfless, protective and will do anything for his family.” Drake looks into my eyes and I can’t help kissing him. He is absolutely like Reggie. He has all those qualities and each one of them is perfect.
“You are, Drake. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life,” I say, completely overwhelmed with emotion.
“Okay. Now that I’m aware of your triggers, we can start working on how to cope with those feelings you get. What were you doing before, Presley, to deal with depression? You’ve only turned to drugs just recently so how were you handling everything prior to your drug use?”
I look over to Drake and give him the most apologetic smile I can. “Sex.” Drake’s eyes snap to mine. “Whenever it got to be too much and I needed all the pain to go away. I would use Drake to take it all away.” He looks completed stunned and I think he breaks all over again, knowing that the most precious moments we’ve shared together were because of my need to escape my feelings from Robert instead of my desire to be with him.
“Wait. Let me get something straight. All of those times we made love were just to suppress some shit in your head and you really didn’t want to be with me?” Drake’s eyes are angry and hurt.
“No! Not all the times. I wanted to be with you, more than anything in the world.” How do I explain this without sounding like a complete idiot? “One night, I had a really bad nightmare and needed a distraction. I woke you up and we had the most incredible sex. That was all it took. I discovered having sex with you was away for me to forget about everything in my head, I became instantly addicted and craved that high with you all the time. And right before I got pregnant with Mia, I was insatiable. Remember that?” I feel ashamed.
“Yes.” His voice is hesitant and cold.
“It’s because Robert was in every single thought I had. The terror was eating me from the inside out.”
“But you and I have barely had sex since you were pregnant with Mia and I can count on my hand how many times we’ve had sex since Mia’s been born. Is that why you decided to use? Because I couldn’t help you anymore?” Before I get a chance to answer his question, a revelation flashes across his face. “Wait a minute…Mia?” Drake looks to me, scared to ask his question, but needing to know the answer. “What happened with Mia? Why did you treat her the way you did?”
Here it comes, the final blow that will drive a stake through Drake’s heart and kill him where he sits. God, I really hate myself right now. “I hated Mia.”There it is, a look so gut-wrenching and heartbroken it’s impossible to describe, all you can do is feel it. It’s the most excruciating feeling ever created.
“What do you mean you hated Mia?” He lets go of my hand and walks to the window. His body is rigid and the lack of his touch is spiraling me toward Hell where the evil witch, heroin, lives. I start to run my fingers over the scarred holes in my arm and they’re begging me to open them up. My body is craving to be numb.
FUCK! I start scratching the holes in my arm, wishing I was jamming a needle in them.
Dr. Garner’s hand covers mine as he recognizes I’m on the edge and barely grasping the sides. “It’s okay. He needs to hear this as much as you need to release it. Tell him, Presley.”
“I blamed her for taking you away from me,” I whisper, completely ashamed of myself. “I did the minute you found out I was pregnant. I knew there was no way you would let me give her up for adoption, and when I couldn’t go through with the abortion, I started blaming Mia. Because I knew…she would steal your heart. But I couldn’t get over my feelings of hatred toward her and I was so angry with myself for having those feelings. To this day, I regret every one of them.”All I’ve been in her life is a waste of a mother, doing the bare minimum with her and refusing to let myself love her because I simply didn’t have it in me to give to her. “Once she was born, I knew I was meant to have her because she belongs to you. And I’m so glad I chose not to go through with the abortion.”
“I can’t fucking believe this.” Drake begins to slowly pace in front of the window. “How do you expect me to react to this? You just said you hated our daughter. Do you know how fucked up that is?” Drake turns from the window and kills me with his eyes. He’s being the father I always knew he would be and protecting his child from those who may hurt her.
“Now, Drake, let’s focus on what Presley is saying to you. These thoughts can happen among new mothers and more so with women who’ve struggled with depression. You need to listen to her so she can finally release this pent up feeling.” Dr. Garner stands and directs Drake to come back to the couch.
“I can’t believe this,” Drak
e whispers to no one.
“Go on, Presley,” Dr. Garner directs
“I wouldn’t allow myself to really look at her. After we left the hospital, I didn’t want to look at her. I didn’t want to fall in love with her because I felt, and still do feel, like I don’t deserve her love. Not after the way I handled my pregnancy. I’m so sorry, Drake. I never wanted to tell you this. I never wanted you looking at me the way you are now. You’re disgusted with me and I deserve that.” I take another breath and look once again into his brown eyes. They are hurting, but I have to continue, he needs to know everything. “The guilt of how I was treating Mia, not loving you the way you deserved and all the shit with Robert became too much. Heroin took it all away.”
The anger I know Drake feels is strangling me. Now all my skeletons are out of the closet and the ground looks like a desolate graveyard. I couldn’t keep holding onto it, yet now that I’ve said what I needed to say, I don’t feel any better. In fact, I feel worse. Apologizing for every horrible thing I’ve done is nothing compared to the consequences of my actions. The thoughts are enough to kill me. I won’t blame Drake if he up and leaves me after what I’ve shared. What kind of sick person admits they hated their child? I’m a fucked up mess and now I’ve done too much damage to fix it. It’s broken, just like his heart. Just like my soul.
Dr. Garner breaks the silence between us and I’m grateful. I can’t stand all the thoughts in my head. “Drake, do you have a picture of Mia?”
He looks like he’s ready to snatch Dr. Garner’s head off his shoulders. “Yes. Why?”
“I want Presley to really look at her. I want to know how she will react now that she’s opened herself up and allowed herself to feel those feelings. Are you okay with that, Presley?”
I nod my head as Drake pulls out his cell phone and runs his fingers across the screen. “I took this yesterday before I left.” He hands the phone over to me and the screen goes black before I can look at the picture.