by Flora Kidd
‘Yes. He’s in bed.’ Her heart was resuming its normal beat and with a great effort she was able to look him in the eye and say crisply, ‘I want to talk to you.’
His thick eyebrows tilted sardonically and he inclined his head politely.
‘I’m honoured,’ he murmured. ‘Do we talk here?’
‘No, in here.’ She waved a hand in the direction of the ‘room’, the parlour which no one ever used.
He grimaced and shook his head.
‘No, thank you. Remembering the last time you talked to me I think I shall feel safer in the garden.’
There was something about his attitude, a facetiousness which was unusual which roused her suspicions. She stepped closer to him and sniffed. The smell of whisky was unmistakable.
‘Where have you been? What have you been doing?’ she asked. In the light streaming from the porch she could see the gleam of mockery in his eyes.
‘Stan has been celebrating a success and I’ve been drowning a sorrow. It’s his last evening here, so we went over to Port Ban to have a drink. Now what do you want to talk to me about? I’m surprised you’re still here. I thought you’d shaken the sand of Lanmore from your feet and had returned to Dulthorpe to enter into that life of bliss known as marriage.’
‘Will you be serious, please,’ pleaded Nancy.
‘I do not wish to be serious. I’m glad you haven’t gone because that means there is still time.’
‘Time for what?’
‘Time to ... take Linda diving again.’
She could tell that he had not said what he had intended to say, that he was teasing her. When he behaved like this it was impossible to reprimand him.
‘Why is Neil here?’ he asked with a sudden change of manner. ‘Mrs. MacFadyen was not exactly clear in her explanation.’
‘That’s what I want to talk to you about, but ... but...’
‘But I won’t be serious. I can see that we Maclaines are a great trial to you. There’s no need for you to think that you must make yourself responsible for us all the time, you know. You could have sent him straight back to the lodge.’
‘I couldn’t when you weren’t there. He was upset and ... Logan, I must talk to you about him.’
‘Then let’s sit in the garden, on the bench.’
Taking her by the hand, he flicked off the porch light and darkness took over. He drew her into the garden and closed the porch door firmly. In the dark silence of the garden his nearness was disturbing and pulling her hand out of his Nancy walked to the bench and sat down. He followed and sat beside her, close beside her. She moved slightly along the bench, putting space between them, and he laughed.
‘I’m waiting, Nancy,’ he said.
The trouble was that his unexpectedly facetious behaviour had scattered her wits and she was having difficulty in remembering the fine scornful phrases she had rehearsed to say to him. She had been going to berate him for using Neil as a pawn as she had berated Anya, but he had diverted her from her intention as if he had guessed what it was.
Once more she was aware that he had more experience in dealing with her sex than she had in dealing with his and that he had no compunction in using that experience in avoiding trouble or in getting what he wanted. Out there in the scented garden, listening to the lap of the water against the unseen shore, she was no longer annoyed with him.
‘Have you been struck dumb?’ he asked teasingly.
Nancy drew a shaky breath and said ‘No’. Then she launched into quick explanation of Anya’s morning visit and of how she had found Neil hiding. When she had finished he said nothing, so she took another breath and came out with her condemnation.
‘I think both you and Anya should be ashamed of yourselves, using a little boy in this game you’re playing with each other.’
‘I am not playing any game with Anya or anyone else,’ he replied coldly. ‘I am merely trying to carry out my brother’s wishes. Angus wanted Neil to go to school here as he and I did until we were old enough to go on to school in Edinburgh. Even when he was alive that was his plan for his child. It’s Anya who’s been using Neil for her own ends. She and I had it out the other night and came to an arrangement which seemed to satisfy her at last. I told you I was going to have a reckoning with her.’
‘Then why did she want to take Neil to London with her?’
‘She was trying to slide out of the arrangement,’ he replied bitterly. ‘She wasn’t supposed to be leaving until tomorrow when she was to have travelled with Stan. This is the first I’ve heard about a new play. When we talked the other night she had no future prospects at all.’
Nancy sighed. It was all very puzzling.
‘I’m afraid I don’t understand. You once said that you regard marriage as a form of sacrifice and the other night you called it an outmoded ceremony, and yet you’re prepared to go through with it for Neil’s sake.’
‘You surprise me all the time,’ he murmured. ‘Whom am I going to marry this time?’
‘Anya, of course. You said you’d come to an agreement with her and I know she wants to marry you.’
‘But I didn’t say at any time that I wanted to marry her,’ he put in patiently. ‘I’ve never wanted to marry anyone. I thought I had made that quite clear. Anya agreed at last to let me keep Neil here and to supervise his schooling in return for a settlement out of Angus’s estate, a regular annual income which Angus should have arranged in his will if he had been thoroughly wise. Unfortunately he made his will when he was furious with Anya about something and cut her out completely. He always let his emotions govern his actions.’
‘And you never do?’
‘Occasionally I’m like other humans. I have ... I do,’ he replied quietly.
‘Then when Anya tried to take Neil away with her to-day she was breaking the arrangement she had made with you. Neil guessed that she was, but he couldn’t say so. He could only act, so he ran away.’
‘Yes. It seems he has more Maclaine in him than I’d hoped. Anya was doing exactly what you said. She was using him as a pawn to get me to marry her—God knows why.’
‘Because she loves you,’ suggested Nancy, and he laughed scornfully.
‘Don’t let that be fooling you, Nancy Allan. Anya loves only herself, and her career. Sometimes she wants badly something she can’t have. I was attracted to her once, on a purely physical level, but she demanded too much. My love at that time was racing and I wasn’t interested in marriage, so she seduced Angus. It was our potential wealth which attracted her.’ He paused, then said rather bitterly, ‘It’s difficult to be sure when you have wealth and possessions to be sure whether anyone likes you for yourself.’
Understanding came to Nancy in a flash. Why hadn’t she realised that the icy barrier of politeness, the often stiff reserved manner was his protection against people he was not sure of, against the hangers-on and the fortune-hunters?
‘Have you a love now?’ she asked.
She could tell by his silence that she had surprised him. She had surprised herself by daring to ask him such a personal question and she decided it was the influence of the quiet dark garden.
‘I’m not sure,’ he said at last. ‘Sometimes I think I have, and then ... You’re very curious to-night.’
He moved closer to her again, but she did not bother to move away. Nor did she pull her hand from his when he lifted it from her knee and held it between both of his.
‘It’s because there’s so much I don’t understand,, and time is running out.’
‘On Tuesday morning when I woke up I told myself that it had run out ... that you had gone,’ he said softly.
Nancy held her breath. It was fantastic. Here was Logan Maclaine admitting that he had thought of her in his waking moments!
‘Why didn’t you go with Rod?’ he asked.
‘We decided that it wasn’t necessary for me to go immediately. I shall go back as I intended at the end of the month.’
‘Ten days. Time enough,’ he muttere
d obscurely.
The porch door opened and flight streamed across the garden. Linda called,
‘Nancy, Nancy ... where are you?’
‘I’m coming in a minute!’ she called back.
‘Neil had better stay the night with you. I’ll come over and pick him up in the morning. I must thank you again for looking after him.’
He pulled her towards him, framed her face with both hands and his mouth found hers in the darkness with unerring instinct. At his touch the desire which she had held in check for so long exploded in Nancy and she returned his kiss with interest. It was only when she realised that his hands were on her shoulders and he had moved closer to take advantage of her response that she remembered she was not free to enjoy being kissed by him.
‘No!’ she whispered fiercely. She pulled away and felt his fingers grip her shoulders painfully.
‘Those principles of yours are becoming a nuisance,’ he mocked gently. ‘Aren’t they a little out of date?’
‘Out of date or not, they’re all I have and I’m not going to change them now,’ she replied desperately. This time it was very difficult not to give into him.
‘Not even for me?’ he challenged.
‘Not even for you,’ she answered shakily.
His hands slid from her shoulders and he stood up.
‘Then I shall not be wasting any more of your time. Goodbye, Nancy,’ he said quietly, and walked away into the darkness.
It required a great deal of effort next morning to muster sufficient self-possession to meet Logan again face to face. Then when she had made the effort he didn’t come for Neil after all, but sent Harris instead.
Although she had been worried about meeting him again when he didn’t come Nancy felt deflated. He must have meant that he didn’t intend to see her again when he had said goodbye so politely. And why should he see her again? Hadn’t she repulsed him in every way she could think of? Hadn’t she made it obvious to him that she did not go in for dalliance because she was engaged? Such arguments might bolster her morale temporarily, giving her a sense of righteousness, but they did nothing to ease the awful aching sense of regret which gnawed at her heart.
The memory of his lovemaking flooded her mind suddenly, making her throat ache. Immediately she scoffed at herself. Such thoughts proved that the attraction was a purely physical one. Time enough, he had said. What had he meant? Time enough to finish the romantic episode with a summer visitor. Well, she had finished the episode for herself. She could see that now. He had asked her to change her principles for him and in doing so had asked her to give up Rod. In refusing to give up her principles she had refused to give up Rod and Logan had apparently accepted her decision as final.
But why had she refused? It would not have been difficult to have agreed to his suggestion. Why was she stuck with this over-developed sense of loyalty to Rod? The golden days of late August slipped by. The heather blazed on the hillsides under pale cirrus-streaked skies. Fields turned from green to ochre as oats ripened. But the beauty was unnoticed by Nancy as she struggled with her conscience and the time to leave Lanmore came nearer, and she realised unhappily she did not want to leave not because she loved the place but because she loved Logan. It was useless now she knew to say that she would forget when once she was back in Dulthorpe. No matter where she was or who she was with her mind would reach out to his across the miles. And she knew that in refusing to change her principles for him she had made the biggest mistake she had ever made.
Rod’s letter arrived on a perfect morning. Limpid water reflected lilac-tinted mountains. White houses at Glenarg across the loch gleamed in the sunlight. Nancy sat on the bench in front of the cottage to read the letter while she had her elevenses; the haunted bench where she had rejected Logan for the last time.
She turned the letter in her hand, putting off opening it. Its arrival jolted her into reality, the reality of marriage to Rod. To-morrow she and Linda would pack in readiness to leave. The day after, Ian Macrae would take them to Mallaig where they would catch the train to Glasgow. They would spend the night in the city and continue their journey the next day by way of Carlisle, arriving at Dulthorpe in the late afternoon when Rod would probably meet them. She guessed that the letter would contain the arrangements for that meeting and also the latest news about the housing situation.
Nancy sighed, and slit the letter open. After the usual preliminaries of asking after herself and inquiring about Don and Linda, Rod went straight to the point.
‘I have decided that for you and me to marry would be a mistake. I’m sure that you are aware as much as I am that my stay with you was not a success. But it was a visit which had to be made in order that both of us might learn that we are not suited to each other. I was beginning to have doubts before you ever left Dulthorpe because I had already met Shirley and had discovered that she and I had much more in common, including age, than you and I ever had.
‘While you were away I found myself seeking and enjoying her company more and more and, in fact I took her with me when I went to look at the house. You will guess that she liked it immensely.
‘However, I was not prepared to go back on my word to you until I had seen you again, as I realised it was not sensible to believe I had fallen in love with someone I had known only a few weeks.
‘I think it was when you went after Maclaine in Skye that I began to think that possibly your feelings for me had undergone a change too and I began to wonder if they had ever been particularly deep. Here I must be honest and tell you that when I proposed it was out of a sense of duty and pity, and at the time it is possible that you were too young and inexperienced to know any different.
‘At Lanmore I began to see that you preferred and enjoyed many pleasures which leave me cold, and that you were attracted to a younger man.
‘It occurred to me then that that sort of situation might arise after we were married, with unpleasant consequences.
‘I should have told you all this before I left, but I still did not have the courage to let you down. I had to come back alone to think things out, and to see Shirley again. It was when I saw her again that I knew I must take this step, not only for my own happiness and hers, but ultimately for yours too.
‘I feel sure you will be glad because I have relieved you of the onus of having to break the engagement.’
The letter finished with his best wishes for her future.
Jilted. The harsh unkind word flashed through Nancy’s mind and made her laugh. The first time she had laughed for days. She had been jilted in a good old-fashioned way and she didn’t care. She raised her face to the sun and smiled. She was free, thanks to Rod, who in the end had possessed the maturity to assess the situation in his methodical way and to act accordingly. She must write and thank him and wish him happiness.
A car stopped outside the gate. It was the estate car from the Lodge. Mary Maclaine, neatly dressed in an expensive tweed suit, entered the garden and walked up the path.
‘Enjoying the sunshine? How wise of you, dear, since you won’t be here much longer. You know I once passed through Dulthorpe. How anyone can live there is beyond me.’
She sat down beside Nancy, her inquisitive blue eyes going to the letter.
‘I’ve called to say goodbye. Keith and I are going to stay with some friends near Ullapool and Logan tells me you are going at the end of this week, so you won’t be here when we return. It’s rather a sad occasion because you’re leaving, but a happy one too because you are going back to marry that nice fair man ... Ron, or was it Rod?’
‘Rod,’ murmured Nancy, and smiled seraphically. ‘But I’m not going to marry him. He’s just jilted me, by letter.’
As she expected Mary Maclaine looked a little shocked. ‘Oh, really? How dreadful! I am sorry. But you don’t seem a bit concerned.’
‘I’m not. I’m relieved.’
‘Relieved?’ An expression of impatience tightened Mary Maclain’s face and Nancy guessed she was saying to herself
, ‘Tut, these young people ... behave most peculiarly.’ Actually she said, ‘I’m afraid I don’t understand.’
To tell Mary was to tell Logan, Nancy was sure, and once he knew the changed circumstances he would come to see her and then perhaps they could take their friendship a little further. Her heart hammered at the thought and her hands curled round the crisp paper of the letter. Without any hesitation she plunged into a description of her relationship with Rod from the time she had met him, pointing out how he had been an acquaintance of her uncle’s who had helped her and who had offered to marry her out of a sense of duty and whom she had accepted because he had offered security. She told of the tension created during his stay at Lanmore, and of her own difficulty in breaking promises and going back on her word.
When she had finished Mary was silent for a few minutes as she considered the story. Then she observed shrewdly, ‘He must be a very good man. I hope you realise that, Nancy.’
"He is. I do. He is too good for me ... too competent and capable. I prefer someone who needs me.’
‘I can see what you mean. You too are competent and capable and organised. I hope you’ll find someone who needs you and I’m glad it has turned out right for you. It could have been otherwise, I can see that now. But what will you do?’
‘I’m not sure yet. I have to think of Linda. She wants to go to college and train to be an infant teacher. That’s the result of us staying here. She’s been very interested in Neil.’
‘Yes. I noticed when I visited you the last time. Which reminds me, I cannot understand why Logan has taken on that child, and I’m sure he’s beginning to regret it. It’s either that or he has had a setback of some sort.’
‘Why?’ asked Nancy, suddenly anxious. ‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘Moody,’ said Mrs. Maclaine succinctly. ‘Silent one minute, making the most biting sarcastic remarks the next. I know it can’t be anything to do with Anya, because he told me that he isn’t going to marry her, and that he has no intentions of marrying anyone and never had any intentions of marrying anyone. He said it all as if he thought I went around telling everyone his business. Of course, there could be some perfectly simple explanation to do with the stock market. Maybe some of his shares have taken a tumble. Anyway, I told him that he’ll have to hire someone to help with the child. Mrs. Macfadyen is useless.’