This agonizing cycle repeated itself, again and again.
The Fans Weigh In
In the midst of all this craziness, I used to get my share of fan letters from Days’ viewers who said they had noticed that I had gained five or ten pounds and were determined to tell me what I should be doing about it. Most of them tried to be helpful. Some tucked a diet and a few recipes into the envelope. On occasion, however, their comments were pretty surprising. A few actually came right out and told me how “fat and ugly” I was! (Give me a break!) Or that I’d “look better if you’d just stop eating!” One letter writer said, “You fat cow, leave Austin alone!” (Can you believe somebody would sit down and take the time to write out and actually mail something like that?!) If that wasn’t enough, one “fan” threw in a comment that I was “a terrible actress,” too. No one ever included a Weight Watchers gift certificate along with their letter, but there sure have been some nasty messages over the years.
Fortunately, most of my fan mail is very positive. People write and ask all kinds of questions about the show. They love (or they hate) Sami. They describe in great detail what Sami should have done in certain story lines on the show. Or they’ll ask me what some of the other cast members are really like. If the subject gets around to weight, most of the comments are very supportive. I weigh less today than I did in my earlier years on the show, and when fans write letters, attend Days events, or stop me in shopping malls, a common opening line—and it’s a positive one—is, “Ali, you’ve lost so much weight!” I want to thank every one of you who has supported me that way. But even though only a small minority of the letters and statements are critical, they sure do get your attention! Particularly when I was younger, and would read some of the mean-spirited things people would occasionally write in chat rooms, for example, it really hurt, and sometimes it would even make me cry! When you’re fighting your own internal demons, it’s hard to have someone egg you on or attack you that way—it’s just not helpful or comforting. If I took them seriously, they could ruin my whole day—or more! (By the way, I remember when Bryan Dattilo and some of my other costars showed me some of their “hate mail,” and I realized it wasn’t just me that fans picked on now and then.) I finally understood the following: You just can’t please everyone all the time—particularly when some viewers already don’t like you because you’re playing a villain!
These days, people still occasionally come up to me on the street and say something like, “I’m so glad you stopped eating so much; you didn’t look all that great before!”—and they mean it! Or they’ll say, “Ali, you look so much better than you used to!” I actually think most people are trying to be complimentary, so that’s the way I take it. What’s the point of driving yourself crazy over it?
I’ve also been strengthened by comments from fans who have described their own battles with weight. Of course, I’ve known all along that I’ve never been alone in this struggle, sharing it not only with my acting peers, but also with millions of girls and women everywhere. When I read the statistics that about fifty million Americans are by definition overweight or obese, it’s very alarming. Too many Americans are ballooning to perilous proportions, which can undermine their self-esteem, trigger depression, and ruin their physical health. Yet my own mail brings the statistics down to a personal level: So many people are so concerned with the way they look, and they’re constantly dieting or at least thinking about it.
It seems that so many issues in women’s lives—whether it’s relationships with men, insecurities about their appearance, even cattiness toward other women—frequently lead back to weight. As girls and women tell me in their letters, the scale is a powerful force that has a grip on how they feel about themselves and relate to the world around them. That’s the way our culture seems to work. Like the actresses I described earlier, ever so many overweight people are trying to become thin, and skinny people are trying to become even skinnier. From my own experience, I know it starts in adolescence or even earlier (a Harris poll showed that one-third of girls ages ten to twelve described themselves as overweight!). In high school, some girls are already taking diet pills and exercising to the point of collapse. And the fashions of the day—including the low-riding jeans and the tight, truncated tank tops—certainly don’t help, do they? They reveal tummies that (unless you’re one of the chosen few) require hours of sweating and straining in the gym to look “just right.”
As you can tell, I have moments of absolute frustration when it comes to the topic of weight. In fact, one of my motivations for writing about this issue grew out of a trip I made to a pizza parlor a few years ago, accompanied by a friend and his younger sister who was eight years old at the time. This young girl sat at a table with six other eight-year-olds, and I remember one of them saying, “We can’t eat any bread because it’s too fattening!” That’s a pretty startling statement, particularly considering that all of these kids were rail-thin! I recall thinking, “There’s something terribly wrong here.”
I decided that because of my high visibility as an actress, maybe I could help bring some sensibility to this issue. I knew I didn’t want to write a diet book, but more than anything else, this section of the book is intended to raise my readers’ awareness. That’s what you’ll find in the pages that follow.
Chapter 12
After years of waging war on my own body, I have a much more positive perspective on diets and weight—and, yes, even on life in general. I’ve gone through several generations of diets to get to where I am today. But finally, I’m at a place where I want to be. I’ve been able to stay at a weight that I’m happy with, and most of the stress surrounding eating is gone. I’m going to tell you more about my own journey, but not because I want you to start eating like I do (as a matter of fact, I really don’t follow a formal diet plan anymore, and perhaps there’s no need for you to do so, either). But you might find my own path interesting and even inspiring. Again, this is not a diet book with an eating plan that I’m recommending. One thing I’m sure of is that no diet program is right for everyone; what I’ve learned is that each person is going to have to find the diet or health plan that fits him or her best.
Although I had been preoccupied with my weight for years, my journey toward a much healthier lifestyle actually began in 1998. I had been on Days of Our Lives for about five years, and although my career couldn’t have been going any better, my battle with the scale was sometimes an absolute disaster.
For me, the change began one afternoon when I paid a visit to Dr. Jay, my dentist (I’ve changed his name to protect his privacy). I was there for a routine cleaning and examination. But as Dr. Jay peered into my mouth, a startled expression came over his face.
“Ali, I see a cavity.” It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear, but it wasn’t the end of the world, either.
Then Dr. Jay added, “What’s with all this sugar you’ve been eating?”
Sugar?! I had no idea what he was talking about. I tried to keep my cool, and I pleaded my case.
“Jay, I really do eat a healthy diet,” I said. “I don’t eat very much sugar or anything else that’s bad for me. And I brush all the time.”
Dr. Jay raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Ali, your teeth aren’t lying to me. You have a cavity. You’re eating sugar. Now, tell me what you eat.”
I was really getting annoyed. Growing up, I was lucky that my mom didn’t believe in keeping a lot of sugar-laden snacks or sugar-rich cereals around the house; fruit was our primary snack. But I have to admit: When my mom wasn’t looking, my brothers and I would sneak sugary cereals into the house and hide them. (Sorry, Mom!) So I did develop an appetite for sugar, although my mom certainly had nothing to do with it. And I guess those cravings never really waned as I entered adulthood.
I started to answer Dr. Jay’s question.
“OK, I drink one or two Cokes a day.”
“Oh, really. Ali, that’s all sugar. What else?”
Geez, he was gettin
g a little confrontational, and maybe I was becoming a bit defensive.
“I love pasta, so I eat it quite often,” I told him. “Maybe three times a week.”
“Pasta, huh? Ali, no wonder you’re a little puffy.”
Puffy!! I had heard a lot of words to describe my excess pounds, but never “puffy!”
I continued to list other foods that I ate regularly. But as I mentioned each of them, one after another, I gradually began to feel this sinking sensation. “Oh, no,” I thought to myself. “Maybe my diet isn’t so healthy after all.”
That was the truth. I wasn’t coming close to a sugar-free diet. I ate desserts much too often. I loved breakfast cereals that were “honey flavored.” I ate bread, showing little restraint whenever it was on the table.
You get the drift. I felt a little stunned and pretty embarrassed.
Dr. Jay finally said, “Ali, let me tell you how I live my life.”
He sat down and began to describe how he had eaten for years. In supermarkets, he spent most of his time in the outer aisles, filling his shopping cart with foods like fresh fruits and vegetables (so it certainly wasn’t an Atkins-type program). For breakfast, he had a very low carbohydrate cereal. Later in the day, he ate modest amounts of high-quality, high-protein meats (so it sure wasn’t an Ornish-like plan); for a typical lunch, he ate a salad with slices of chicken breast in it. Throughout the day, he kept his intake of carbohydrates well under control. No baked potatoes. No side orders of rice or pasta.
“What about the four basic food groups?” I asked him.
“Forget about them!” he said emphatically. “My approach keeps me fit and healthy. I think the food groups are obsolete.”
“And what about losing weight? That’s what I’m really interested in.”
“You might lose some weight on this type of program,” he said. “But you should be less interested in weight loss and more interested in being healthy. If you adopt a healthy diet, the weight will take care of itself.”
Despite all the diets I had been on, much of what Dr. Jay was saying made sense. He wasn’t talking about a fanatical program that leaves your stomach growling from daybreak ’til bedtime. He wasn’t feeding himself only fruit before noon, or gorging on rice after 6 P.M. He wasn’t gulping down a cupboard-full of meal-replacement drinks. He wasn’t weighing his food or keeping track of every last calorie.
Dr. Jay also talked about following a program for life. That’s right—a lifetime commitment! (That sure took my breath away for a few moments; I was much more accustomed to going on a crash diet, following it hard-core for three or four weeks, and then being done with it and going back to my old way of eating!) Dr. Jay’s approach was so different than the crazy diets I’d been on for so many years.
“Ali, the way you’ve been eating is not how you should treat your body,” Dr. Jay told me. “Maybe my approach isn’t right for you. But find a plan that works for you, and stick with it for the long term.”
I have to admit, Dr. Jay was a walking advertisement for his own program. He was trim and fit, and he told me about female patients who had been overweight, had started eating like he does, and looked fantastic. One of them, he said, had been more than twenty pounds overweight and a year after adopting the program, she posed for Playboy! Now that’s what I call a transformation! As he told me her story, there was a part of me thinking, “Sign me up—I’ll do it!” But more than anything, he sent me out into the world with something to think about.
“Is there a book I can read that describes your diet?” I asked.
“No, the books out there are too intense in terms of playing havoc with your blood sugar. So you can take a few tips from me, but experiment a little, too. Create a program that’s right for your own body. You can do it.”
Time for a Change
I drove home (with a numb jaw!) thinking about Dr. Jay’s advice. Was he right?…Could he have found something that might work for me, too?…Or could it at least point me in the right direction? Could I create my own way of eating that would put me on a healthier path and keep me there?
Yes, Dr. Jay was truly inspiring. But, let’s get real, Ali—I had failed on every other diet I had ever tried. So why would this one be any different?
Later that day, I told Dave (then my boyfriend, now my husband) about my conversation with Dr. Jay. I complained about my weight (as usual). I lamented that I had never found a diet that worked. You should have heard me—it was a classic case of whining! Dave let me ramble on for a few minutes; it certainly wasn’t the first time that I had griped to him about my weight, and it was a real pity party this time! But after I had my say, he jumped in with a different reaction than I had been used to hearing. In fact, he gave me some food for thought (no pun intended!) and offered a suggestion.
Enjoying the sunny Mexican beach with Dave
“Ali, I’ve told you so many times that I love you no matter what you weigh. I think you’re absolutely beautiful just the way you are.” So far, so good. “But, Ali, you complain about your weight all the time! You’re a go-getter in every other aspect of your life, but not this one. You go after your dreams and what you want in life, but not when it comes to your weight. Why is that?”
Before I could answer, Dave continued. “Decide what you want to do, take action, and stop complaining about it. Don’t gripe all the time but do nothing about it!”
Wow.
That was tough for me to hear. In essence, Dave was saying, “Put up or shut up!”
I was silent for a few seconds. I realized that Dave was right. I had always gone after everything I wanted in life—except a thinner body. I had a mental block against committing to any dietary program. No wonder I hadn’t succeeded.
There was an awkward pause.
“You’re right, Dave,” I finally told him.
For the rest of the day—and the rest of the week, for that matter—I did a lot of thinking. I came face-to-face with the reality of how I had approached dieting for years. I admitted to myself that I had been in denial about so many things, from the effect of drinking two or three sugar-laden Cokes a day to the bread that I enjoyed with so many meals. (It’s amazing how you can con yourself into believing that your diet is approaching perfection when it’s lacking in so many areas.) I realized that if I could apply the same hard work and the same commitment—and show the same resilience—that I did for everything else, maybe I could finally succeed in losing weight. As the days passed, I really began to believe it.
A New Life
Knowing how to eat is 200 percent of the battle. And it’s not an exaggeration to say that I embarked on an entirely new way of life. Seriously! Beginning in February 1999, I adopted some of what Dr. Jay had told me, and I changed other components of his eating plan—sometimes choosing different foods and doing some other fine-tuning along the way. But one thing was certain: I became hard-core about cutting sugar (my big weakness) out of my diet. Com-pletely.
Today, I keep an eye on the amount of carbohydrates I eat, but there are no hard-and-fast rules that (in the past) always ended up being broken. The days of trying to eat zero carbs and zero sugar are gone. In fact, I’m very flexible and relaxed—no rigid rules and no concrete eating plan, but rather some general directions that I’m taking. No crazy diets because you can’t live on shakes or pineapple all your life—and they’ll throw your metabolism into a tailspin! No fad foods because you’ll get sick of them in no time! And I certainly don’t count calories (yuck!) or keep a daily food diary. If I tried to stick to some strict, unbending rules, I know I couldn’t follow them for a lifetime, and I’d make myself miserable.
Once I changed my primary goal from being superthin to being superhealthy—and once I stopped bashing myself and hating myself because of what the scale said—I lost a lot of weight. That’s really what happened.
As I write these words, it’s been over four years now, and I’m not looking back. I’ve lost close to thirty pounds from my peak weight—yes, thirty poun
ds!—and thank goodness, I’ve been able to maintain that weight loss (although it’s always a challenge to stay there!).
Initially, as those pounds came off, I remember Dave telling me that my blue jeans were hanging on me. “You look like a gangster,” he teased me. “You need to buy a new pair.”
He was right, and I went shopping for jeans at The Gap, and bought a few pair with a better fit (size 8, if I remember correctly). But then I lost another eight or nine pounds, and even the new jeans were literally around my hips! Dave took one look and said, “Ali, haven’t you had time to get those new jeans?”
“I did! These are my new jeans.”
So I went shopping again, and brought home size 4. It was crazy—I was living every dieter’s dream of being forced to buy a new wardrobe! As the pounds came off, I felt so much better about myself. I felt healthier, too. It was so inspiring and so motivating. And when the size 4’s started to fit a little loose on me—well, I knew I was doing something right.
The Fans React
When I lost all that weight, people took notice. I remember Corina Duran, one of our makeup artists at Days, teasing me when I showed up one day wearing a baggy denim jail shirt. (Sami was on Death Row, remember?) She exclaimed, “Ali, how dare you hide your stomach under that big shirt! You look great—you have to show it off!”
So the next day, I arrived on the set with a fitted button-down top that I had tied at my waist. And what was Corina’s reaction? She looked at me and said, “Now, you’re just showing off!”
All The Days Of My Life (so Far) Page 15