If he wasn’t so comfortable with Thomas, he’d never be able to say anything about the subject. The blushing couldn’t be helped though, so he chose to ignore it. “It is. That’s the way it is when I’m with you.”
Thomas nodded. “Okay, good. You’d tell me if you didn’t like anything I did to you, right?”
“I would.”
“See that you do. We’ll discuss that more at the club.” Thomas inhaled, seemingly gathering his thoughts. “Anyway, after the first time with that man, I punched him. He was bigger than me, stronger. I didn’t fare so well in the ensuing brawl.” Thomas sighed, chuckling.
“That’s awful.” Linus stomach clutched at the thought of Thomas being taken in such a way by another man then being beaten up.
“He laughed, told me I wasn’t a very good gunsel.”
Linus scrunched his nose. “A what?”
“Oh, uh, like a catamite—a young man who offers up his ass to an older man.”
His eyes went wide. He had no idea how to respond. The only thing that ran through his mind was how unbelievably lucky he was that Ned had taken him to Hampton Road. He didn’t think he could’ve handled what Thomas had gone through. “Oh. I’m sorry he did that to you, Thomas.”
Thomas shrugged. “Linus, what you have to understand is that at times, things can be much different when men fuck other men than the way it is for what is commonly thought of as ‘normal’ couples. Tougher, many times uglier. And once I channeled my lusts into finding out who I was as a man and what I need from another man, things became even more complicated.”
“How do you mean?”
“While I was still in Texas, I began socializing with a group of men who were sadists. It was closer to what I enjoyed, although my main interest has always been in controlling a man’s pleasure, having him submit to me. I use little in the way of pain, although I imagine you remember the sting of my palm on your ass?”
Linus bit the bottom of his lip to suppress a groan. He most certainly remembered.
“From your expression, I’ll wager you wouldn’t mind experiencing that again.” Thomas leaned in and stole a kiss from him. “My God, your taste. I’ll never have enough.” He sighed. “To continue, our main goal was to locate submissive men who had the distinction of also being masochists. Eventually, there was a group of us who met informally at a warehouse that belonged to one of the group members’ father. Another young man who didn’t appreciate what was going on there—and I truthfully don’t know if he was abused or not—called the authorities. Everyone was arrested, all charged with sodomy. But those who were also charged with assault were tried and eventually went to prison. I was incredibly fortunate that I wasn’t there that night. I was with two good friends I’d made, one of them a half-breed of Karankawan descent.”
“You mean an Indian?”
“Yes, by that time, his tribe had been wiped out, but they originated in Texas near the coast. He was a fascinating man. His grandparents had shared their culture with him and he shared it with me. For his people, it wasn’t wrong for a man to give himself to another man—it was a distinct role within the tribe. He also taught me some of their practices, which have left a lasting impact on me.”
“Oh. So, did you leave Texas after what happened?”
Thomas winced. “Oh my, yes. I felt terrible leaving my mother behind. My father had been dead for a while at that point, but my sisters were still there. In the end, I concluded that it would be better that I leave than have her suffer through my possible arrest. She never knew about me—none of it—including my preference for men.”
“You’ve had an amazing life, Thomas.” Linus squirmed again. He loved hearing all the things Thomas was telling him, but he was more curious than anything about the mysterious boy who’d once held Thomas’ heart. “So how did you meet the man you said you loved?”
Thomas smiled at him as if he’d overheard Linus’ thoughts. “Of course.” His expression darkened as he took a deep breath. “Johnnie, the Karankawan and I, we came out to California together. He’d heard that Santa Barbara was a peaceful town by the ocean and that there was a better known sadomasochism club there. One that had rules, was careful. It didn’t matter to me where I went as long as there was a place where I could find a man to share my passions with, share my life. Johnnie had submitted to me for a brief time, but we weren’t well-matched. He enjoys a tremendous amount of pain.”
Thomas fixed him with his gaze and Linus wondered if he might be worried about what Linus might think of that.
“Because you don’t like giving a lot of pain?”
“Correct.” Thomas brushed his cheek with his thumb. “I’d rather control a man, uncover new avenues of pleasure with him. Pain can be a part of that, but doesn’t have to be the main component.”
Beads of sweat formed in tiny droplets on his upper lip. It was rather warm outside, but the way Thomas had barely skimmed his flesh with his hand, the way he stared at him, it made him wish they could skip lunch and go right to the club.
“But I found the boy I wanted in Santa Barbara. At least I thought I had.”
Linus didn’t care for the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to hear about this boy after all. He swallowed, willing himself to speak. “What was he like?”
A wistful expression crossed Thomas’ face and Linus was sorry he’d asked.
“His name was Evan. He’d be about your age, maybe a year or so older. Similar in size as well, but not as pretty as you.” Thomas winked at him and he was less afraid of this unknown boy. “We were together in Santa Barbara for a year. I had a good job at an accounting firm and he waited tables at a café.”
So far, the story sounded wonderful and Linus couldn’t imagine why Thomas and Evan weren’t still living happily as lovers by the sea.
“Of course, we had our evenings at the club, which were magnificent for the most part. The adherents up there were less…adventurous. There were spankings, the occasional flogging, restraints, maybe blindfolds. For Johnnie, it was nothing that held his interest for very long and he eventually moved on. We lost touch after that. For me and Evan though, it was fine. As I said, I wasn’t into the infliction of extreme pain, so I thought the club was perfect. But I was horribly wrong.
“Evan and I had discussed ways we could symbolize a permanent union between us and a few of the practices I’d been taught by Johnnie came to mind.”
“What do you mean by ‘practices’?”
Thomas fidgeted on the bench then scrubbed his face with one hand. “It was a private act to be shared between us, only us. But he told other members of the club before we’d had the chance to go through with it.”
“I don’t understand. What act?” It reminded Linus of his cousin Arnold saying stuff about him to his father.
Thomas turned back to him. “Sweetheart, I can never have a wedding or exchange rings in the traditional sense with the man I want to commit myself to for the rest of my life. Not really. Not the way our culture is. Johnnie’s people didn’t have those types of restrictions. And in addition, they adorned their bodies, marking them, piercing them. Johnnie claimed that his grandparents had shown him sketches of their earlier ancestors. Johnnie taught me how to pierce the body and I’d wanted to pierce Evan’s nipples with two small gold rings as a symbol of our lasting love.”
Linus blinked rapidly. Never had he heard of such a thing. He wasn’t even sure how to react, what to say.
“You probably think I’m a barbarian.”
The expression of pain on Thomas’ face was more than Linus could stand. He scooted over then climbed onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around the neck of a visibly startled Thomas.
“I love you, Thomas. I’m not sure I, um, completely understand about all that. But it sounds to me like you wanted to give him something special, something permanent that would only be for the two of you to share.”
Thomas enfolded him in an embrace, descending on his lips, forcin
g them apart with his tongue. The kiss was so good, so deep—Linus almost forgot what they’d been talking about. Thomas smiled against his mouth before retreating from it.
“You do understand. You understand a lot.”
Linus lay his head on Thomas’ shoulder, still straddling his lap and desperately attempting to ignore his leaking erection. Thomas caressed his back in lazy circles.
“So Evan left you because you wanted to pierce him.”
“Not exactly. He was excited about it and what it meant for us as a couple, so he told several members of the club. There was outrage over such a primitive practice and the head of the club got everyone else involved. While there were some who supported me, I was essentially told that they were the rule-makers and that I had no say.”
“You weren’t on the board there?”
“It wasn’t like Hampton Road, sweetheart. It was loosely organized and it had more to do with who had been there the longest, who was friends with who and so on. They told me I could stay in the club as long as I abstained from piercing Evan and never brought up the matter again.” Thomas voice took on an edge of anger. “It didn’t matter whether he’d consented to it or not—I wasn’t allowed to do what I wanted with my boy.” Thomas hugged him tighter. “I would never force something on a man that he didn’t want to do.”
“I know that, Thomas.” Linus embraced him back. “So, um, why didn’t you and Evan just leave the club?”
Thomas kissed his temple then sighed. “By the time I’d decided to do just that—Aaron had told me to come to Hampton Road where such a thing wouldn’t be an issue—Evan had decided the club members were right, that I was a sadistic abuser. I traveled back and forth between Santa Barbara and here—lost, unhappy—hoping that Evan would change his mind and come back to me. When he moved in with another Master, I left Santa Barbara for good.”
Linus squeezed his lover, his heart breaking for him. It was too sad of a tale for him not to wish things had been different for Thomas. The selfish part of him was glad that Evan had left Thomas, but he still wished that Thomas had never had to go through such a thing.
“Are you sure you’re not mad at me for saying something to Sam about us? I mean because of, um, because of Evan talking to other people?”
Thomas loosened his hold then leaned back, their eyes meeting. “I’m not mad in the slightest. Aaron is my closest friend and he knows everything about me. But maybe as we start off together, I can promise to you that I won’t discuss anything specific about us with him unless we agree that it’s okay. If it would also make you feel better, it can be the same for you.”
“Keep things private?”
Thomas’ mouth quirked into a smile. “Yes, private. That sounds good. I’ve certainly experienced my share of troubles that came about when too much was said.”
Linus squirmed some more and Thomas groaned. “If you continue to do that, I’ll soon be taking you over the side of this table.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Thomas lightly nipped the corner of his neck and Linus gasped. “This is going to be a gruesomely long day for me. I’m desperate to get you alone.” Thomas licked the spot he’d bitten, soothing it with his tongue. “Don’t think I can wait.”
Linus groaned when Thomas reached between them, cupping him between his legs, rubbing his thumb over the bulge in Linus’ denim.
“Thomas…” He clutched at Thomas’ shoulders.
“You don’t like this?” He continued to tease Linus through the fabric of his jeans.
“I-I love it, but…” Linus glanced over his shoulder, terrified someone would catch them.
“Ah, I see.” Thomas chuckled. “We should be quick then. I’ll no doubt have to run home and change…” Thomas peppered the side of his neck with soft kisses. “But I’m convinced it will be worth it.”
As Thomas distracted him with kisses, his heated breath fanning against Linus’ skin, Thomas’ stubble sensitizing his flesh even more, Thomas popped open the buttons of his pants. Air hit his erection as it was freed from the confines of his clothing and Thomas encircled it with his fist.
“Undo me.” Thomas’ words were a whisper against his ear. “Take my dick out so we can rub them together, give ourselves release.”
Linus moaned, his fear of being caught drowned out by his lust for Thomas. He nodded, lowering his hand, fumbling with the fastening of Thomas’ slacks. When his lover’s dick was exposed, he wrapped his fingers around it. Thomas let go of Linus’ shaft then gripped them both together, encouraging Linus to hold on to both of their cocks as well.
“Come on, sweetheart. With me, slide against me into our hands.”
Thomas thrust his hips, moving their erections together, their preliminary emissions easing the way. It was good. Much too good.
“Oh, God. Thomas I, um…”
“Yes. Me too.”
Thomas captured his mouth in a fierce kiss and Linus let go, his seed spilling over their joined fingers. Immediately, Thomas’ member pulsed in his hand and more spend shot out, coating them even more.
Thomas isn’t the only one who’ll need to change.
Their movements slowed, Linus’ dick jerking a couple more times as he rode out the last waves of his orgasm. Thomas broke the kiss, but kept his arms wrapped around Linus’ waist.
“So wonderful. You make me want to fuck all the time.”
Linus’ face heated at Thomas’ blatant words. It didn’t bother him—he loved that Thomas wanted him so much. He just wasn’t accustomed to being so free when speaking about such things.
With a sigh, Thomas leaned back again. “Do you have a handkerchief?”
Linus dug around in his pants, the angle awkward with them open and with him perched on Thomas’ lap. He found one then fished it from his pocket. Thomas had retrieved one too and they both managed to get themselves reasonably put back together.
Thomas kept Linus close as if he never wanted to let him go. “We should finish our discussion. I don’t want you fretting about anything. But if you ever feel as though you need to speak with someone else about what’s happening to you, I would like for you to at least come to me first.”
“I don’t think I could talk to anyone else about things like that. It was too stressful when I told Sam about going to the club tonight. I’m never sure what to say to people.”
“That will take time. The more you get to know your friends, the more comfortable you’ll be.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “So, um, when Sam asked me whether you were my Master now, I didn’t know what to say. Are you, I mean, am I…?” He frowned, frustrated at how he always struggled with his words.
“If we’re ever in the general area when we’re at the club, you’ll wear a basic collar around your neck that lets the other Dominant men know you’re not available to them.” Thomas stroked his shoulders. It calmed him. “Right now, you’re not ready to decide if you want a Master. Any Master, not just me. That’s part of what we’ll be finding out together.”
Tears threatened. He knew Thomas was right, but he’d be so upset and sad if he lost Thomas because he didn’t want a Master. Linus lowered his head.
“Do you remember what I said before about how dominance can be expressed in many different ways?”
“Yes.” He leaned into his lover, inhaling his distinctively masculine scent tinged with the smell of sex.
“So can submission. Even if you never call me Master, I’ll still want you.” He pulled back then gazed directly into Linus’ eyes. “I’ll still love you.”
“You’ll…? But I thought you said you had to wait to see if we were evenly matched?”
Thomas took Linus’ face between his hands then kissed him. He kept the exchange between them soft, gentle. Linus felt Thomas’ love, hoped that he could live up to its power. Thomas broke the connection but still caressed him as if reluctant to release him for any reason.
“I believe we are. The way you gave yourself to me last night… It was an act of surrende
r. It didn’t matter whether I had you tied up, on your knees or if you called me Master. You were mine. Are mine.”
His bottom lip trembled as Thomas’ words sank in. Thomas had verbalized perfectly the thoughts that had run through his mind after they’d made love the night before. He’d felt owned, treasured. He belonged to Thomas.
He nodded. “Yes. I’m yours, Thomas. No matter what.” The next part was hard for him to express, but he knew it to be true so he wanted to get it all out. “And you know I love you too, right? You mean so much to me, and I, um…oh, I never know what to say.”
Thomas laughed. “What you just said was perfect. Perfectly wonderful.”
Thomas descended on his lips again, a leisurely kiss to seal their declarations. He dipped his tongue into Linus’ mouth over and over, and Linus chased the kiss when Thomas finally pulled away.
“Mmm, greedy boy. Very nice.”
He was fairly certain he would never stop blushing around Thomas, no matter what they did. But sometimes there were things Thomas said that filled him with more heat than others.
Chapter Seven
The rest of the day had passed in a sort of haze—Linus’ mind drifting back to the decadent things he’d share with Thomas the times he’d been with him before at the club. His heart seemed about to burst because when he went with Thomas that night, he wouldn’t be hoping to belong to Thomas—he would belong to him.
Sam had tried to weasel more information from him about what was going on between him and Thomas, and Linus was worried he’d make his friend mad. He’d finally had to explain to him that it was something that he and Thomas were keeping private. Before Thomas had left, he’d helped Linus with the words.
To Linus’ surprise, Sam hadn’t been mad at him at all. He’d told him he understood then had asked him questions about his sewing and what he wanted to do with that. It had reassured him that maybe he could have friends without it being scary and uncomfortable.
As Thomas had driven them to the club after they’d had dinner with Aaron and Sam, he’d asked Linus a few basic questions about what he’d be comfortable with until Linus had finally interrupted him. Once Thomas had reprimanded him over that, Linus had told him that anything they’d done before was fine, that he’d loved all of it. It had only been Preston’s mistreatment of him that had frightened him off.
The Fear of Surrender Page 9