“It’s hitting me pretty hard right now. Can I come to your house when I get off?” I’d rather be alone but I can only imagine what it’s like for him having to pronounce her death.
“Of course. I’ll leave the front door unlocked, just come in when you get there.
“I’ll see you later. Please be careful on your way home.” He stands up and leaves. I finish my work, go to the locker room to get my purse and leave. When I walk out the doors I know I’ll never be back. I’m not okay and I don’t know if I ever will be.
When I get into my truck I let loose all of the tears and anger. Once I’m calm enough to drive I head home.
When I get in the shower I cry and scream while the hot water relaxes my muscles the best it can. After I’m all dried off I braid my hair, get dressed and head for the kitchen. It’s going to be a long night. I like to bake when I’m upset. It relaxes me better than anything else I’ve tried.
By the time Jack arrives I have an Italian crème cake cooling and am working on my second batch of snicker doodle cookies. He comes up from behind, wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my neck. I can feel him shaking. I wipe my hands off and turn in his arms to hold him. He’s crying and in turn that makes me cry. I let go of him, shut the oven off, put the cookie dough in the fridge and take him to my bathroom. I start the shower, undress myself and then undress him. If I focus my attention on him and take care of him the less time my thoughts have to run wild.
I grab a washcloth and lead him into the shower. “I’m going to take care of you. Relax, let the tears flow and just feel.” He nods, puts his head down with his arms on the wall and lets the water run over him. I make sure his hair is wet enough and have him lean back so I can wash it. I massage his scalp for a few minutes and pat his shoulder so he knows to rinse. I get the washcloth wet and soapy and touch his shoulder again. He turns around and I begin to wash him. This isn’t sexual. This is me taking care of a broken man that I care deeply about. When I reach his feet the tears have subsided.
He startles me a little when he speaks, his voice is deep and sad. “I had to tend to that sorry piece of shit.”
“I’m sorry, Jack, that must have been very difficult. But it doesn’t mean you condone anything he did.” I stand and he rinses off while mumbling, ‘you have no idea.’
I shut the shower off and grab the towels. I wrap one around myself and start to dry him off. He tries to stop me but I tell him, “Let me do this for you.” He does and when I’m done he hugs me tightly to him.
He kisses the top of my head, lays his cheek on it and says, “Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go home to an empty house.” He starts rubbing his hand up and down my back. “Are you doing okay? I noticed you already had a cake made and were working on some cookies. I remember you telling me you bake when you get upset.”
“You’re welcome and I’ll be okay. Are you hungry?”
“Not really but I need to eat something. Do you have anything light? Or I could order something to be delivered.”
“It’s too late to order delivery, besides I have plenty to choose from. Come on let’s get dressed.” Last month he brought over a few things and left them here so he didn’t have to worry about going home and packing a bag if he was coming after work.
While we’re getting dressed I tell him, “I have a few things that’ll be light. Grilled tuna steak with some greens. A salad with grilled chicken, egg, and feta cheese. Or a spinach and feta quiche. What sounds good?”
We’re walking towards the kitchen when he laces his fingers through mine and kisses the back of my hand. “Any of it sounds good. Whatever is the least trouble and I can help make it.”
I smile at him and point at a bar stool for him to sit at. He does and I turn the oven back on to finish up the cookies. “I have everything cooked already I only need to assemble it. Drink?”
“Water, please. What do you have a taste for?”
“Any of it but I asked you to decide.”
“How about the tuna and greens.”
“Coming right up.”
We have dinner and I finish baking the cookies. When I have everything cleaned up and put away we go to bed. While we’re brushing our teeth I ask what time he has to be to work tomorrow. He has to be there by six so I set the alarm for five. He lays down so we’re face to face. He starts stroking my hair, looking at me like he wants to say something, leans in and gives me a tender kiss.
“I’m going to be holding onto you tight tonight.”
I nod my head and roll over. He pulls me to his front and his arm tightens around me. With a kiss to my head he tells me thank you and sleep good.
I put my hand over his, squeeze it and tell him sweet dreams.
Every time I shut my eyes I see Sophia, her tiny body on the gurney covered with bruises. I keep my eyes open and just lay there. When Jack’s breathing evens out and I can hear him lightly snoring I lift his arm up, move out from under it and put a pillow in my place. I quietly shut the bedroom door when I leave. I’ll be in the kitchen baking and the last thing I want is to wake him up. He needs his sleep. I have the next two days off. Hopefully I’ll never have to go back. I can’t do it. That was too much for me to handle. I’m resigning tomorrow but I’ll stay as long as they need me to. I’m hoping Tasha can pull some strings so I don’t have to though.
Chapter
7
I make the frosting for my crème cake, frost and decorate it. I don’t want to take the chance of waking Jack but I need to occupy my mind so I grab my kindle and head out back to my favorite reading spot, the hammock. I turn the bug zapper on, so I don’t get all bit up, and climb in.
I love, love, love The Men of Steel series by MJ Fields. I’ve read Jase, Cyrus, Zandor and am on Xavier. I think I’m in love with all four men equally. Better yet the women who are beside them know how to hold these alpha men up when they’re down. Just goes to show you there’s always a strong woman behind a successful man.
That’s why I’ve decided I can’t see Jack anymore. He needs someone strong to hold him up when things like yesterday happen, not just go through the motions. He is an attractive, considerate, fun loving, compassionate man that deserves a woman that will worship his qualities not be selfish with her own problems.
I finish reading Xavier as five o’clock approaches. I go inside to start the coffee and make breakfast. By the time our oatmeal is cooked and I’ve got the fruit cut up and in dishes Jack comes into the kitchen. He comes up behind me wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek. See such a sweet man.
“Good morning gorgeous, what time did you get up?”
He lets go and sits on a bar stool where I have his coffee and breakfast waiting. I smile at him, walk around the island and sit next to him. “I couldn’t sleep so I’ve been up since you fell asleep last night.”
He puts his spoon down and takes my hand in his. “Because of what happened yesterday?”
I nod. I don’t really want to talk about it. Since I was a child I wanted to be a nurse. They’re always there to make you feel better and most have so much love and compassion to share they can make you feel good with just a smile. I could always give that to people. Right now I know I can’t and that’s another reason I have to resign.
He scoots so he’s facing me and pulls me in for a hug. “Hey, it happens to all of us. You never get used to it but you learn how to deal with it. I used to have the worst time when an abused woman would come in. They could walk away and didn’t all because someone made sure they had no self-worth left. When a child comes in it’s the worst. What happened yesterday doesn’t happen often, Sidney. I know you don’t want to talk about it now, I can tell by your eyes. But please let me know when you are or if you need something in the meantime.
“I will. Thank you, Jack.” I kiss him lightly on the lips and turn to eat some fruit so I can stop looking into his concerned eyes, knowing what I’m about to do.
I walk into the HR department and go to Tasha’s office. She’s on the phone so I sit down to wait. When she hangs up she comes over to me and gives me a big hug. I hold on longer than I should but I needed that understanding from her without words.
She sits in the chair next to me. “What are you doing here, it’s too early for lunch.”
I hand her my resignation, she opens and reads it. When she’s done she scrunches up her forehead and looks at me in question. “I just can’t do it. I don’t want to talk about it but I do have a favor to ask.”
“Whatever you need. If I can do it you know I will.”
“I don’t want to come back. I know it says I’ll work until my position is filled but I’d rather not.”
“Does Jack know?”
“No. He’d try to talk me out of it but I need to do this for me. He would just push and tell me I could learn to handle it. Not in a mean way, in a supportive way. He has no idea that I really can’t handle it. Do you think, that is that something that can be done?”
“I think so, give me a few minutes.” She stands up and walks back around to her desk. She shuffles some papers around and makes a call. When she’s done she tells me they had a few people apply for the emergency department and the one she really liked is able to start immediately so I don’t need to worry.
“Thank you. One more thing. I’m taking off for a bit can you water my house plants?”
“What the hell, Sid? You quit and now you’re leaving. Where are you going and when will you be back?”
“I need time to myself. Not sure where I’m going or when I’ll be back but I am coming back. I couldn’t stay away from you and Danny if I tried.”
“Fine, but your ass better come home soon.” She stands up and so do I. We walk to each other and hug.
I give her a kiss on the cheek and step back. “I’m headed home to pack. I need to write Jack a letter and tell him a few things. I’m going to drop it off at his house so you may be getting a call from him when he gets home. I’ll answer if you or Danny call or text but no one else. I’m sorry to put you in this position.”
“Pfffttt, you’re fine, no biggie. Let me know you’re safe when you get to wherever you’re going and keep in touch okay?”
“Yup. Love you hard, girl.”
“You too, chickee.”
I walk out of the hospital and my heart is heavy. I’m going to start counseling again, maybe after that I’ll be able to come back. I feel like shit for what I’m about to do to Jack but he does deserve more. He doesn’t even deserve the Dear John letter I’m going to write him but I’m too selfish to do it in person.
I had to make one more stop but when I get home I grab my laptop and plop down on the couch. Where do I want to escape to? Hmmm. I pull up a travel site and there’s a picture of Vegas. Now that’s a good idea. Lots of people, lights and noise. I love playing the slots and it’s a great distraction for thinking. I don’t want to go to Vegas though. Hmmm. Oh, I know. I type in Biloxi, Mississippi and bingo we have a winner. I find a flight and then book myself in a suite at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino for three nights, no thinking for three days. I search for condo rentals next. I need a kitchen if I’m going to work through some of this shit flying around in my head after the casino. I found one right on the beach and booked it for two weeks. They said if it’s not reserved and I want to stay longer I can. I was meant to be in Biloxi apparently. I have four hours before my flight takes off. I’ll pack and then write Jack’s letter, it’ll give me time to think of what to write.
Packing didn’t take too long. If I need something else while I’m there I’ll buy it. I grab a beer, my stationary and a pen then head out back to the patio set.
Chapter
8
Jack,
I’m not good with putting my emotions on paper but here goes.
First of all I hate that I am doing this to you. You need a strong woman beside you and that’s not me right now. Experiencing what happened to baby Sophia first hand broke me. I’ve resigned from the hospital and won’t be returning. I’m also taking some much needed time away.
I love that you’re such a compassionate man. That’s why I couldn’t tell you in person. I couldn’t stand to see the sympathy, concern and if I’m not mistaken love in your eyes. We’re in two different places right now and it’s not fair to either of us to keep going down separate paths while being together.
I will forever cherish the time we’ve spent together. Hopefully one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me for this. If or when that happens I’d like to still call you my friend.
I wish you nothing but success, happiness and love. You will always hold a place in my heart, Jack, always. Take care.
Love,
Sidney
I put it in an envelope, seal it up.
I took a taxi to the airport because I didn’t want my truck sitting there for an unknown amount of time. I had them stop by Jack’s so I could drop off his belongings and the letter. Then by the bank so I could make a withdrawal. Now I’m on the last leg of my flight. I had to fly into Atlanta because they didn’t have a direct flight to Biloxi. It’s almost taken me as long to fly as it would have been the four hours to drive from home.
When I get my luggage from baggage claim I rent a car and am on my way to the hotel. I thought I’d rent a car so I can get around locally and if I decide to travel a bit. I’m an hour and a half away from New Orleans and the same to Foley, Alabama where there is an outlet mall. A little booze and retail shopping never hurts.
I get to the hotel, check in and go to my suite. It’s on the top floor and kind of exclusive. You have to go through these huge glass doors to get to the hallway that leads to the suites. I find my room and when I walk in wow is about the only thing that comes to mind. It’s really neat. The living room is the first thing I walk into. I follow it further to the bedroom and I’ll be damned, it’s a huge round bed. The bathroom is just as amazing. It has a huge Jacuzzi tub but the shower is incredible. It’s all glass with showerheads coming from every direction, so cool. I open the door to the patio and I’m on a deck facing the beach with chairs, a patio set and a real Jacuzzi. It’s all very beautiful. I stand at the railing and take a deep breath of the salty air, it’s one of my favorite scents.
I go back inside, strip, shower the funk from traveling off, climb in bed and take a nap. I’m just about asleep when I remember I forgot to text Tasha and let her know I made it and am safe. I grab my phone from the nightstand and text her.
Me: Made it and going to take a nap. Thanks again. Love you.
Tasha: Glad you made it safe. Keep in touch. Love you too.
I get all snuggled up in the blankets again and fall asleep.
The bruises are terrible looking. Some are a deep purple and some are yellow with a little green from where the old ones are healing. Oh God, they’re going to do it again.
I wake up trying to scream with nothing really coming out. I look over at the clock and I’ve only been asleep for a little over three hours. I’m soaking wet and so are the sheets from sweat.
Chapter
9
I get up grab a shower and head down to the casino floor. I stop at the reception desk and ask for clean sheets to be sent to my room. The staff is always smiling and I love that about this place.
I walk around the casino floor to find a slot machine to play. I find one called Snapdragons slip a hundred in and start playing. Right off the bat I hit a bonus round and won three hundred and seventy-seven dollars. I’m loving it. A waitress comes by and I get a beer. As soon as she leaves a man comes and sits next to me. Let me tell you he smells yummy. Not overdone just a hint of his cologne is finding its way to me. Scent does something to my mind and body. It’s a reaction, I have no idea why. He says hi so I look at him and say hello back. L
ow and behold he’s a cutie pie. Now, I’m not looking to hook up but I know a good looking man when I see one.
He sees my credits and says, “Well, you must have all the luck tonight I can’t seem to win anything.”
“Then I wish you luck and hope you start winning instead of losing.”
He smiles at me and he has beautiful teeth too. “I’d be real lucky if you had dinner with me.”
What a jerk. “Sorry, not interested.” I look back at my machine, start playing again and down the rest of my beer.
“Sorry, that was me being an ass to assume a beautiful woman, as yourself, is here alone.”
I look at him and say, “You’re an ass alright but you’re an accurate ass.” He laughs and so do I. I don’t like to be rude or mean to people. It makes me feel guilty, even when they’re being jerks.
“How about we start over?” He sticks his hand out and introduces himself. “I’m Derik.”
I shake his hand. “Hi, Derik, I’m Sidney. Nice to meet you.”
“You too and thanks for giving me a do over.” I smile and nod my head. “My friends and I are having dinner at the steak house,” he looks at his watch. “In about an hour, would you like to join us? And before you say no it’s not just a group of guys, some of the wives and girlfriends will be there too.”
What the hell, why not? At least I won’t be alone. “You know, Derik, I would like that. Thank you.”
“No, thank you. Now I get to have dinner with a beautiful woman.”
I chuckle. “Dial it down Casanova.” I just hit a big win. Holy Shit!!!
Derik’s laughing. “Damn woman you are lucky. You just won eighteen hundred dollars! Can you rub some of that off on me?”
I’m laughing because I’m actually enjoying myself. My mind isn’t consumed with terrible images and thoughts. We play a little while longer and I cash out at two thousand dollars.
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