Infatuation

by River Savage

  Making it to the front door, I don’t spare one last look before flicking the lock and slowly opening the door. The glow from the full moon is enough to guide me along the porch and down the stairs.

  I’m not sure where I’m going, or how I’m going to get there, all I know is I have to get out of here before anyone finds out.

  “Mackenzie?” My name from Beau’s mouth startles me as I take my first step on the grass. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “I- I.” I take a breath and gather my thoughts. “I have to go.”

  “The fuck, Kenzie? You’re not going anywhere.” His brows are bent in and his fists clench at his side. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so angry. Before tonight, it would have scared me to see it on him, but knowing what might happen if I stay, I can’t let it bother me.

  “I need to go, Beau.” I shake my head, not sure if I need to clear it, or to stop him from arguing.

  “Talk to me, darlin’.” He changes tactics, stepping forward, trying to move closer.

  “I have to do this, Beau. I have to go,” I rush out my words. The early morning air bites at my skin, but my body is hot with fear.

  “Why do you need to go, Mackenzie?” He takes another step, and this time I retreat.

  “You won’t understand. Just let me go.”

  “I can’t do that, Mackenzie. I won’t.”

  “If you care for me, you will.” I know I’m reaching, and it’s not going to help me, but I can’t just give up.

  “Not fucking happening. You don’t know me very well if you think that’s gonna work on me.”

  “I need to do this.”

  “You don’t know what you need.” He keeps coming at me, pushing and drawing me back at every angle.

  “Oh, and you do?” I lash out, done with this back and forth.

  “Yes, I fucking do. I’ve been giving you what you need since you’ve been back.”

  “Right, because I’m this weak woman, right? I couldn’t possibly know how to look after myself.”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth, Mackenzie.” His eyes flick up to the road as a car travels down it.

  “No, you didn’t have to, Beau.”

  “What the fuck is really going on here?” His arms fold over his chest, forcing the muscles to compress under his shirt. To anyone looking on it might seem concerning, a male exerting his power to intimidate me, but I know that’s not the case.

  “I have to leave. It’s not safe for me anymore.”

  “So you’re running?”

  “I’m just protecting you, Beau.” He laughs a short, unimpressed laugh, as if the thought is ridiculous. “So you’re gonna walk out in the middle of the night, without a goodbye. That’s what I fucking deserve?”

  “No, you deserve so much more, but I knew you wouldn’t let me go.”

  “You’re fucking right I’m not letting you go. I’ve already let you go once. I ain’t doing it again. Not when Chad is still out there.”

  “You just don’t get it.” My hands move to my temples, trying to force the pressure down. The lies and the deceit build ten-fold as the man I love stands in front of me, oblivious to what I have done. Visions of that night start to weigh me down, distorting my present with the horrible past. “Kenzie.” I hear his voice trying to break through.

  “I killed him, okay. He’s gone. He’s not coming back for me. He never was. I made it up. It was a lie. I even tricked myself into believing he was really still out there when I knew. I fucking knew he wasn’t.” My breathing halts as the horrible moment I took his life takes over and the ugly truth spills from my lips.

  “Kenzie, listen to what you’re saying.” He takes the last step to me, our eyes connecting as we come chest to chest.

  “I did it, Beau. I killed him. It was me or him.” My mind starts to slip into the darkness. The truth is just too much for me. I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, but it feels as if a weight has been dropped on my chest, turning my once strong breaths into short, shallow blasts of air.

  “Stay with me, Kenz. Just breathe. Deep breaths.” I hear the softness of Beau’s voice trying to calm me before I’m thrown back to the night my past and present clashed, changing the course of my life forever.

  Past

  Mackenzie

  “You promised me till death do us part. Remember, Mackenzie? I’ve come to make sure you honor our vows.” A coldness washes over me at the spitefulness in his voice. I shake my head, clearing my mind and body of the fear. Don’t show him you’re scared. He feeds off it. Taking a deep breath, I decide at that moment if I don’t fight, I’m going to die.

  Using my self-defense techniques, I kick out and connect my knee to his balls, while my hand punches his wrist. He falls forward but doesn’t drop the gun. Risking it again, I kick his wrist. This time, the gun slips from his fingers and I dive for it. Just as my fingers wrap around the prize, he rolls me over and pins me with his lower body.

  “Why do you keep fighting?” Spit hits my face as the words escape his clenched teeth. “Why couldn’t you let me love you the way I needed to love you?” His disgusting breath hits my face as he leans down closer to my lips. He’s so wrapped up spilling his hate and trying to kiss me, he’s oblivious to the gun in my hand.

  You have to do it, Mackenzie. I look into his eyes and I see the man I fell in love with, the soft man who promised me the world. But then I remember everything he’s done. Everything he’s put me through. Every bruised cheek caused by a slap to the face, every broken bone and concussion, every black eye, busted lip, and bloody nose and I realize he never loved me, and he would never change. The man who I married was a lie, simply a persona created to fool the world.

  “Because I don’t love you, Chad.” Dread slithers over me, numbing me to what is about to happen. Thick fingers pinch into the soft skin of my neck, and restrict my airways. Black mist swirls around the edge of my mind, drawing me into the sanctity of a peaceful darkness. Maybe this is where I need to be. Maybe I can’t fight anymore. Just as my resolve becomes clear, his fingers tighten and the darkness embraces me, promising me an end to all the ugliness.

  “If I can’t have you, Mackenzie, then no one will.” His words are laced with venom and instead of letting them pass, my mind rebuts them.

  Why does he get to decide that?

  The inky swirls darken, trying to blanket me, but my mind fights it.

  This isn’t what I’ve been fighting for, just to give up when he says I have to. All the people who helped me survive deserved more. I deserve more.

  My stomach lurches and adrenaline swirls. The once comforting darkness instead smothers me, like a musty damp blanket clinging to me. I want to scream out, not in fear or panic, but in a roar of victory.

  I can’t let him win.

  I won’t let him win.

  With fierce resolution, I point the gun at his chest and fire.

  Bang.

  The recoil shocks me, vibrating through my body as the sound gets lost in the jolting resonance coming from Max’s apartment above me.

  I fire again.

  Bang.

  My chest heaves as if bound by rope, straining to inflate my lungs. Everything stills, almost frozen in time and our life together flashes through my eyes.

  Each physical and emotional hit to my very being holds me in the past.

  “You’re a slut, Mackenzie. A whore of a wife. You make me crazy. Why do you make me do this to you? No one will ever love you like me. I will never let you go. I will always find you.”

  Bang.

  Chad’s fingers relax, and I drag large gasps of air down. He makes no move for the gun. He just hovers over me, a lost faraway look settling in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I rasp, wishing it didn’t have to come to this, wishing I hadn’t just become the same monster as him.

  “Ma—Macken—Mackenzie,” he gurgles. Deep red blood drips from his mouth and rolls down his chin.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.�
�� My body racks in sobs as his full weight pushes into me. I shove him off and roll away from him. The tears continue to roll down my cheeks, the wine and cheese I had earlier comes up in violent waves, burning my throat like acid.

  I’m so sorry.

  I repeat the words over and over, but I’m not sure if I’m saying them because I’m truly sorry for shooting him or if I’m apologizing to myself for becoming a killer.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I say the words aloud this time, but they’re a lie, just like our marriage. Just like our love.

  Twenty-Six

  Beau

  “I did it, Beau. I killed him.” Her breathing becomes erratic as she paces in front of me. “I pulled the trigger.”

  “Calm your breathing, Kenz. Slow it down.” She doesn’t listen. Her panic grows as she revisits the night in her head.

  “I didn’t know what to do. He had a gun, Beau. He had the gun pointing right at me.” Not wanting to lose her to a panic attack, I reach forward and pick her up. “Come on, darlin’. Let’s get you back inside.” She folds into my chest as sobs rip through her.

  Jesus, fuck. What the fuck is happening here?

  I knew something was up. I didn’t know what, but when I felt her shift off me, I waited to see what she was going to do. The last thing I expected her to do was run.

  “Beau, I have to go.” I ignore her as we step back inside the house. I make sure I lock up before taking her back to my room.

  “Please, Beau. You don’t understand.” She’s right. I can barely understand her past the sobbing. I know she thinks this is what she needs, but the woman can barely walk.

  “No, you’re right. I don’t. You’re going to make me understand, though.” We walk down the hall and into my bedroom, and then move over to my bed.

  “I killed him, Beau. I took a man’s life.” Her tears come faster as she starts to fight my hold on her.

  “I have that part, darlin’. Now tell me what happened after you shot him?” I shift her off me so I can see her face.

  “I freaked out. There was so much blood. He wasn’t breathing. I only had Fred to turn to.”

  “Fred? Who’s Fred?” My mind zeros in on the name Fred as I try to piece everything together. To say I’m fucking shocked would be an understatement. I think back over the past few months and her comments about Chad, about moving on, her reaction whenever he was brought up. And it all starts to make sense. How I didn’t see it before now is beyond me, but now the truth is looking right at me.

  “My boss at the diner. He’s good people. Him and his wife, Carly, took me under their wing like a daughter. He came right away and said he would help me. He told me to pack a bag and he put me on the next bus out of town.”

  Fucking hell.

  “Jesus, Mackenzie. You just left?” I barely manage to rein in my shock, anger and disappointment that she didn’t call me, but somehow I do.

  “I was scared, Beau.” She shakes her head. “I was worried someone would find me. I told Fred about Chad’s connections, about his dad and everything he’s covered up in the past and he thought it was best to get out of there.”

  “So what happened then? Why would you come here?”

  “I wasn’t going to at first, but then Fred didn’t think I would be okay on my own, so he said to come back to you for help. He was right. I wouldn’t have been able to go it alone. I needed help. I was going to tell you. I swear, but then I thought if Fred did what he said he would, I would be safe. I wanted to wait, see if anyone came for me. So I waited, and I waited some more, and when they didn’t, I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “So you made me believe Chad was going to hurt you?” She looks up, eyes red, nose running and I have to stand from the bed before I take her in my arms and tell her it’s okay. Because it’s not okay. She fucking lied to me, right to my face. Not only me, but all my brothers as well. “We had people looking out for you, darlin’. Had eyes on you. The fucking club pulled so much shit to keep you out of his sight.” I’m angry, fucking furious, but at the same time, I understand it. Fuck, I understand it. You wanted her to fight and she did.

  “It was wrong. I know. I’ll never forgive myself, but I needed someone who would help me. I had nowhere else to go and the last thing you said to me was if I needed anything…” She stands and reaches for my hand. I let her take it, knowing she is right. I did tell her if she needed anything to find me. I meant it then just like I still mean it now.

  “I know, darlin’. But fuck, Kenz. You should have told me this. Straight out.”

  “I know. I screwed up, Beau, which is why I was leaving. I didn’t want you in on any of this. Now someone knows.”

  “Who knows?”

  “At the club tonight, I was paid a visit.”

  “By who?” I press for more.

  “A man, I don’t know who. He said Mr. Morre had a message. He said, ‘You’re not going to get away with it.’ He knows, he knows Chad’s missing. He must know I had something to do with it.” The man Jesse told me about.

  Jesus, fuck.

  I drop her hand and take a seat back on the bed.

  Could this situation be any more fucked up?

  “How well do you know this Fred? You think he talked?” Kenzie takes a seat next to me.

  “No, he wouldn’t. I only spoke to him a couple of weeks ago.”

  “You’ve been keeping in contact?” I remember her talking to someone one night on the phone, but she told me it was her old landlord.

  Jesus, fuck, the woman has been lying with everything.

  “I’ve checked in twice since being here. He took me in, made sure I was protected. He covered it up. He wouldn’t do that to me.” I can see how much she believes it, but I don’t know the fucker from a bar of soap. Who knows who he could have told already.

  “So if he didn’t say anything, then who?” I put it back on her.

  “I haven’t told a soul. No one knows but Fred, and now you.”

  “So why run tonight if Fred cleaned it up and the Mayor has nothing on you? He’s fucking with you then.”

  “What else can I do, Beau?” Her hands drop by her side.

  “I don’t know, darlin’. Fucking fight? Keep fighting.” I want to fucking shake her. Kiss her. Fuck her. I don’t fucking know, but I need her to see where I am coming from.

  “I’m so over fighting, Beau. I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”

  “Kenzie.” I place my hands on either side of her face and force her to stop talking and listen. “Don’t ever say that. Ever. You hear me.” I shake her a little and her hands cover mine.

  “He’s always going to be inside here.” She presses down over my hands, indicating her head.

  “Only if you let him, baby, only if you let him. You did what you had to do. You fought. And you won. He can’t hurt you anymore if you don’t let him.”

  “But I’ve done a horrible thing. I’m not even sorry, Beau. He deserved it. He deserved more. And it just makes me sick to my stomach. It eats at me because I’m no better than him.”

  I close my eyes to gather myself. This woman. Fuck, this woman.

  “Darlin’, you didn’t choose that. Your choice was taken from you. He took it from you when he pointed the gun at you. You fought to stay alive. Anyone would say the same. You didn’t have to run.”

  “Beau, but his family—”

  “I understand why you did it.” I cut her off. She didn’t have to run, but I know why she did. All the corruption this family lives in I don’t blame her. Fuck, no one would. “You’re not an evil person. You survived. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.” My thumb wipes away at a lone tear as it rolls down her cheek. I press my lips to hers. They’re wet from her tears, but I kiss her anyway, wanting to take it all away from her.

  “You’re fucking amazing, you know that?” She closes her eyes, almost like it hurts her to hear it. “Look at me.”

  Her eyes open and I pull back a little.

  “I
love you, Mackenzie. I fell in love with you the second you walked back into my life.”

  “You don’t have to say it back to me.” She tries to pull out of my hold, but I don’t let her.

  “I fucking love you, darlin’. You amaze me every day. You’re the strongest woman I know. I’m not letting this beat you. I’m going to fix this.” Her tears fall freely and it fucking guts me. Kissing each of them, I continue to take them away.

  “How? This isn’t going to go away.” She thinks it won’t, but I’ll make it. Now I know Chad is dead, I don’t give a fuck what I have to do to keep this covered up. This shit won’t come back to her. Not by the time I’m done.

  “Well, first off, I need to go visit this Fred. Make sure he’s as trustworthy as you say he is.” I release her face then take her hand, pulling her with me as I lay back on the bed.

  “He is, Beau. I swear.”

  “I believe you, darlin’, but I’m still going to visit him. He covered this up for you. I need to meet this man, make sure we’re on the same page. From there, I’ll decide our next step. Until then you’re at the clubhouse.” She doesn’t argue with me on the clubhouse rule, and I’m grateful. I don’t think I can deal with it tonight. Not after everything we just went through. “Now sleep. I’m beat. Everything will look better in the morning.” I reach over and flick the lamp off, blanketing the room in darkness. She lets out a soft sigh, before snuggling in closer.

  “I’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t want this between us. And I’m so sorry I lied to the club.” Her voice cracks, and it almost breaks me. “You all gave me a second chance, made me feel safe. I didn’t want my ugliness to touch you.”