“Jas, why would I want someone else when I could have you?”
I think I started to cry then.
“What’s wrong, super girl?”
“I wish you were real and not just a hallucination.”
“Hmm. What if I told you I am real?”
“Ha ha ha. If you were real, I’d never be saying all these things to you.”
He started to laugh and reached out and put his hand on my palm. “I have bad news for you, Jas.”
But I barely heard that last part because my body was reeling from the sensation of his fingers entwined with mine. Real fingers. Which could only mean—
Oh.
My.
God.
Jack was here. Sitting by my bed.
AND I’D—
Oh. Oh, no.
He leaned toward me. “What’s wrong now?”
“I told you I fantasized about you in Incredible Hulk Underoos,” I said, mostly into my pillow.
He gave his amazing, makes-my-knees-melt laugh. “Yeah, about that.” He moved over to sit on the side of my bed and cupped my cheek in his hand. “I don’t have any with me. But we could certainly work on the other part of your dream before your dad comes back to check on you.”
“Which part?”
“This part,” he said. And kissed me.
Little Life Lesson 66: Maybe there is no such thing as happily ever after. But there’s definitely happy.50
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: Office of the College Counselor
Subject: Your latest
Dear Miss Callihan,
“My Friend Arabella” is a moving and lovely essay. The moral about learning to trust yourself and others is excellent, although perhaps somewhat undermined by the inclusion of the giant crime-fighting squirrel. We are all very glad to have you backo. Ha ha.
Yours,
Dr. L
P.S. What do you mean by “Does being a consultant to a foreign police force count as an extracurricular activity or as work experience?”
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: MaxAttack
Subject: Re: La Dolce Vita
Jasmine Noelle,
It is very nice to get your email. You must excuse the quality of my writing English, I perhaps should have studied more.
You are right that at my apartment at first I think you are the murderer. But then I see Beatrice and I know the truth. It is my wish to get you out of there but you were, if you will pardon me saying so, a big troublesome so I had to take fierce measures. I did not learn the move I performed on you from the Special Forces. It is something my brother and I practiced from watching the American show World Wrestling Entertainment. I am delighted it impressed you, however.
While on the topic of my brother, thank you very much for telling me about his death. Indeed, knowing he did not take his life does make it better. And knowing that the one who did is behind bars improves it even more. Everyone here thinks you are the TNT for catching her when the police could not.
I felt very honored to collect your honorary medal from the carabinieri, although I cannot agree with you that I deserve it more just because you kicked me on the head. Being hit on the head by lovely ladies is part of what Max does. Since you say your father will not let you have it I will be happy to keep it for you.
So yes, everything is fine now. Actually, I lie. Venice is much less robust without you in it.
I shall miss seeing your face but I am sending you all the best wishes.
Your friend,
Max
P.S. Should you ever be in Venice again I do not think I mentioned but I can also do many interesting card tricks.
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: J.R.
Subject: Welcome back
I’m glad the name Smokey LeBraun came in handy. I’ll be interested to see what you do with what you learn about him.
Good luck. I’ll be watching.
A friend
About the Author
MICHELE JAFFE is the author of BAD KITTY as well as several adult novels, including the thrillers BAD GIRL and LOVERBOY. After getting her Ph.D. in Comparative Literature from Harvard, she retired from academia and decided to become an FBI special agent or a glamorous showgirl, but somehow ended up writing. A native of Los Angeles, California, Michele and her sparkly shoes reside in New York City. Visit Michele’s website at www.michelejaffe.com.
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ALSO BY MICHELE JAFFE
Bad Kitty
Bad Kitty, Volume 1: Catnipped
Credits
Jacket art © 2008 by Margaret Malandruccolo Photography
Jacket design by Sasha Illingworth
Copyright
KITTY KITTY. Copyright © 2008 by Michele Jaffe. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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1 Tom: That can’t be good.
Roxy: Are you okay, Polly? You look kind of funny.
Polly: Oh, no, I’m fine. Jas is just marching about a foreign country with the spokesmodel for Freak Accidents & Other Dangers Inc. Why should I look funny?
Roxy: I really admire the way you can speak even while gritting your teeth.
Polly: I like to multitask.
Tom: Um, does anyone besides me think we should Do Something about Jas? And fast?
Roxy: Actually, I have an idea. But it’s going to require Polly to face one of her worst fears.
Polly: Which one? Not chronic halitosis?
Roxy: No, worse.
Polly: Wearing a mismatched bra and panties? Getting jam on my sleeve? Wait—not Sour Patch Kids?
Roxy: Worse.
Polly: You don’t mean—you CAN’T mean—No!!!!!!
Roxy: Yes. Um, Tom, I think you should put your arms out. It looks like Polly’s about to—nice catch.
2
Jas: Who said that?
3
Jas: Who said THAT? Hello? I do not think things like that.
4
Jas: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
BadJas: Thought things needed le spicing up.
Jas: This isn’t spice. This is…hey, how did you get to be separate? I thought I was BadJas.
BadJas: You were doing a lame-o job, so when we got knocked out, I decided to creep past your inhibitions and strike out on my own.
Jas: You can’t do that!
BadJas: Oh, no? Watch closely.
5
Jas: You already said “smoldered” before. You can’t use the same word twice like that.
BadJas: Le not?
Jas: No, it’s really bad style.
BadJas: I believe you mean BadStyle. Plus, you can’t deny that Max is totally bow-chica-wow-wow.
Jas: Yes, I can.
BadJas: Not to me. I know what’s going on in the back of your mind.
Jas: Really? What am I thinking now?
BadJas: That Max is so hot he should come with his own misters.
Jas: No, I am thinking that I am trying to find a murderer.
BadJas: Fine. If you want to deny your True Thoughts, I’ll stop. I don’t want to upset you.
Jas: Thank you.
BadJas: (Much.)
6
Jas: I surrender.
BadJas: You do? Why?
Jas: Because this is stupid. We shouldn’t be at odds, we should be working together. You can be in charge. I’ll just lay low.
BadJas: For real?
Jas: Sure. I was being too bossy. Come here and we’ll hug.
BadJas: That’s really—hey, what are you doing with the duct tap—Jas: You. Can. Not. Use. The. Word. Smolder. Three. Times. In. One. Sentence.
BadJas: Smurflflkkekreer!
7
Jas: Ack! No! Faeries kissing?
BadJas: LE BWAHAHAHA!
Jas: Look, can we call a truce? Just for right now?
BadJas: Will you lift your moratorium on smoldering?
Jas: Yes.
BadJas: Done.
8
BadJas: And the top prize in the Suck Romantic Tension from the Room sweepstakes goes to…YOU!
Jas: There shouldn’t be any romantic tension. We have a boyfriend.
BadJas: Who is back in LA, frolicking with women named after toothsome treats.
Jas: La la lalala la, I cannot hear that—
BadJas: Do you really think you’d be half so interested in this investigation if you didn’t think that Jack—
Jas: —la la la la la LA, no one is saying anything!
BadJas: I am not going to stop stating Deep Truths just because you are humming the Smurf song.
Jas: What about show tunes? Ha! I see you quivering!
9
BadJas: Except Jack who was probably still splashing around in the candlelit bathtub.
Jas: LE SHUT UP!
10
Polly: I’m not speaking to you until you take off those pants. And neither are Roxy or Tom.
Roxy: I don’t think—
Polly: I have the leftover doughnut holes from the plane in my bag.
Roxy: Lips zipped.
11
BadJas: I pity the fool who takes my white leather pants away.
Polly: What? Who said that?
Jas: That’s BadJas. She says things I’m thinking but don’t want to be. And she might be right, P. I’ve been asked out twice since putting on my leather pants.
Polly: Give me the guy’s name so I can contact his parole officer.
Jas: Ha ha. I’m not ever getting these pants back, am I?
Polly: Of course you are, precious. You’ll be able to console yourself at my funeral with the fact that you may have lost a friend but you’ve regained your leather pants. You see, I am doing you an Act of Kindness.
12
Polly: Tom, you keep her busy while we get ready.
Tom: How?
Roxy: Talk amiably of this and that.
Tom: This and that?
Polly: Topics of general interest. You know, like music. We just need a few minutes to prepare.
Tom: Music. Got it.
13
Tom: This isn’t working. She’s not distracted.
Polly: You’re doing great! Keep it up!
Roxy: Try mentioning food. Jas likes food.
Tom: Food. Okay. Good idea.
14
Tom: Food didn’t work! Now what?
Polly: Play on her heartstrings.
Tom: I’ll try, but can you hurry it up?
Roxy: It takes time to build mind-control glasses! Go get her heartstrings and play upon them as on a lute.
15
Polly: Did you just describe Max as “irrepressibly hot“?
Jas: No, that wasn’t me, it was BadJas.
Polly: It sounded like you. Are things okay with you and Jack? He left a message on my cell phone that he was worried and really needed to talk to you about something.
Jas: Things are fine! We’re like two great tastes that go great together! We’re—
Polly: We shall speak of this anon.
Jas: Or anot.
16
Polly: Tell me this is all a horrible, horrible dream. Do you see that? You don’t, right? I’m having a psychotic episode, but that is okay because when I wake up there will be no poofy pants, no ankle boots, and no belly chains with fedoras.
Jas: You’re not having a psychotic episode.
Polly: DON’T SAY THAT!
Roxy: What’s going on?
Jas: Polly’s not psychotic.
Roxy: Are you sure? Her eyes are kind of rolling around in a weird way.
Polly: Puffy pants with ankle boots! Hold me!
Jas: Their outfits are totally Jordache. The look that everyone wants to know better.
Polly: I want my mom!Tom: Can I get some help over here? Anyone?
17
Roxy: Did you just call her “Sapphire”?
Jas: No, of course not. It’s Sapphyre. With a Y.
18
Roxy: And she just called Veronique Tiger’s Eye?
Jas: No, silly, Tiger’s *Eye. With a star in the middle, but the star is silent.
19
Roxy: What is the meaning of this?! Sapphyre. Tiger’s *Eye. I demand to know.
Jas: Those are their faerie names.
Roxy: HA HA HA—wait, you’re not kidding, are you?
Jas: Le not.
Roxy: What’s your faerie name?
Jas: Jas. The disdain is silent.
Roxy: Mine is going to be KettleKörn. With two capital K’s and an umlaut. But the umlaut is silent.
Jas: Naturall—
20
Jas: Polly, what are you doing?
Polly: Just trying to get you into your water wings, precious.
Jas: I don’t think so.
Polly: Look, they even match your outfit.
Jas: N and also O.
Roxy: Polly says we have to wear them at all times while we’re in Venice to reduce the risk of drowning.
Jas: I don’t think you can reduce a risk that is technically zero.
Polly: How did Arabella Neal die?
Jas: She drow—
Polly: I restius my casius. Put. Them. On.
Jas: Mr. T would pity the fool who tried to make him wear floaties.
Roxy: Mr. T never met Polly.
Tom: Resistance is futile, Jas. Trust me.
21
Roxy: Passing three pizza places.
22
Tom: Try “almond.” Almonds are blanched.
Jas: Thanks!
23
BadJas: Excuse me, I thought we were having lunch with Max.
Jas: We said “maybe.” Plus, this is important. This is part of the investigation.
BadJas: Ah. You’re not just avoiding him because you kissed him and you’re jealous of whatever Jack is doing so you are Torn Between Two Lovers.
Jas: YOU kissed him.
BadJas: But YOU liked it.
Jas: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
BadJas: Who you’re not calling. Have you ever asked yourself why you do this? Get involved in these investigations? Could it be that you’d rather sort out other people’s problems than your own?
Jas: No. Why
are you torturing me this way?
BadJas: Because it’s fun. Also because it’s important for you to understand your own motives so they don’t color your investigation. Right now, for example, you’re missing a crucial clue.
Jas: What clue?
BadJas: I can’t tell you.
Jas: What do you mean you can’t tell me? You ARE me.
BadJas: Bt I’m that part of your brain that is tricky. The part that tells you that you’re missing something but doesn’t tell you what.
Jas: You’re going to be the part of my brain that gets strangled in a second.
BadJas: You’re just hurting yourself here!
Roxy: Jas, sweetie, your pizza’s getting cold. Who are you growling at?
Jas: It’s a long story.
24
Polly: By which, of course, you mean that I made a delightful sound of derision.
Jas: Of course. Just like an adorable piglet troubled by allergies.
25
Polly: There is no such animal as a Balkanese puppy.
Jas: Yes, it’s a combination of Balky and a Pekingese. It means you were cute but willful.
Polly: It means I have a smashed-in face.
Kitty Kitty Page 21