by A. T Brennan
Allie held him against her body, wrapping her arms and legs around him to keep him in place so she could enjoy the moment.
It was true she hadn’t found any release and it had been quick, but she felt completely satisfied, and happy.
“I’m sorry—”
She reached up and put her finger over his lips, silencing him. “Don’t. That was perfect.”
He looked like he wanted to argue with her, but he just nodded and smiled as he kissed her forehead.
“I missed you so much, Ben,” she said as she cuddled up to him. “It’s hard to be apart.”
“I know, baby.”
“But you’re happy? You’re doing what you want?” she asked as she looked up at him.
“Yeah, this is what I want.” He nodded.
“Then that’s what matters.” She smiled and snuggled against him again.
“Allie…” he trailed off.
“What is it?” she asked as she looked up at him. “Ben?”
“There’s a rumor going around,” he said as he shifted so he was facing her a little more. “I don’t want to lie and keep it from you, but I don’t know if I should tell you.”
“What’s the rumor?” she asked as she stared at him.
“We might be getting deployed.”
“Deployed?” She sat up and stared at him. “What? When? Where? How long?”
“It’s all rumor right now,” he said as he sat up with her.
“What’s the rumor then?”
“There’s a chance we could deploy next year. They’re saying it could be March, maybe as late as June.”
“Okay. Wow. Where and how long?”
“It would be Iraq, probably a year.”
“When will you know?”
“We’d get the orders in the New Year. They give you some warning but it’s not a lot of time.”
“Like how long before will you know?”
“A few months. We’d have to go for training, so there wouldn’t be much time between the orders and leaving to train for the deployment.”
“Wow.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take that.”
“I just want to be honest with you. Nothing is set until the orders are cut, but it’s a very real possibility.”
“I guess. I know it’s pretty much been a guarantee since you joined, but wow.” She looked up at him. “It’s just so soon.”
“Are you okay?”
“In shock.”
“Like I said, it’s not set. I just didn’t want to spring it on you without giving you a chance to prepare.” He took her hand and held it tight. “Baby?”
“I’m scared,” she said honestly. “So many have died, so many more will die. What if it’s you, what if you die over there—”
“Shhhh, shhhh.” He grabbed her by the shoulders as he looked into her eyes. “Allie, it’s okay. Take a deep breath,” he soothed.
“You could die over there, Ben.” She shook her head. “You’d be going to a war zone—”
“Allie, baby. Stop.” He shook her gently. “Take a breath, don’t let this snowball on you.”
“Sorry, thanks.” She bit her lip. He always knew how to calm her down and stop her from panicking.
“I told you to prepare you, but nothing is set yet. Until I get my orders don’t think about that. Don’t think about any of that and just be here in the moment with me.”
She stared at him. He dropped that bomb on her and now he wanted her to not think about it?
“I only have three days with you, Allie, don’t let this ruin them.”
He was right. This was the first time they’d gotten to spend any time together in months, and they only had a few days. She didn’t want to ruin their time together. She nodded and scooted closer so she could push him back down and lie with him. “Just promise me one thing,” she said as she put her head on his shoulder.
“Anything.”
“Do whatever you have to do to come home,” she said softly. “I don’t care about what you might have to do. I don’t care what you might be forced to do. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop supporting you, no matter what.” She moved so she was lying over him and could look into his eyes. “You swear to come home to me, Benjamin Egan, or I will never forgive you.”
“I promise, Allie.” He pushed her hair back from her face and looked into her eyes. “I swear.”
* * * * *
For the next three days they didn’t leave the room unless it was to eat or go for a short walk. The guys in Ben’s unit had all wanted to meet her, but they had so little time together he’d told her he didn’t want to share her and she could meet them another time.
They spent their time talking and making love, just enjoying being together. They’d exchanged Christmas gifts and Allie had been worried he would take hers the wrong way, but he’d loved it.
She’d gotten him a sterling silver wedding band to wear. It was true they weren’t married but she was wearing his ring and she wanted him to wear hers. She’d worried it would come off as possessive and a little clingy, but he’d put it on his finger with a huge smile on his face and had thanked her over and over again.
He’d given her a gold necklace with their initials and birthstones in it. It was beautiful and so personal. She’d asked him to put it on her right away and she hadn’t taken it off the whole weekend.
Allie was starting school again in the new year and would be working on top of going to class. Ben was going to put in for leave to come home on her spring break, but there was a very real possibility he could be preparing to go overseas by then and the thought was killing her.
They had to cram six or more months of time together into three days. It just wasn’t enough.
When it was time for her to leave she’d been inconsolable. As she’d hugged him in the airport she’d felt like her heart was breaking and she couldn’t let him go.
He’d held her tight, whispered how much he loved her and that he’d see her soon before pulling away from her, forcing her to let go of him.
She’d been a mess the whole way through security, and she was pretty sure that if she hadn’t been at an airport near a military base waving goodbye to a guy with a short haircut and no facial hair she might have gotten hassled.
She’d made it to her gate and found a seat near the windows so she could try and get control over herself.
“Excuse me?”
She looked up and saw a woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties standing in front of her. She was pretty with light brown hair and grey eyes, and a curvy but still slender build. She also had a ‘support the troops’ jacket draped over her arm.
“I don’t mean to intrude, but were you by chance visiting someone on base?” the woman asked.
“My fiancée.” Allie nodded and then motioned to the seat next to her.
“My name is Terri.”
“Allie.”
“My husband has been in for nine years,” she said as she sat down. “His name is James, we have a son. What’s your fiancée’s name?”
“Ben, he’s been in for about six months. We don’t have any kids.”
“Is it your first separation?”
“Pretty much.” She nodded and wiped her eyes. “He joined right after school. Left for basic, AIT, got posted here, and this is the first time I’ve gotten to see him since he left.”
“What does he do?”
“Infantry. What about your husband?”
“Intelligence. It’s hard, to see them for a short time and then have to go back to your life.”
“Were you ever separated?
“A few times.” She nodded. “He’s done two deployments and a few courses, so about four and a half years total.”
“In nine years?”
She nodded.
“How do you deal with it?”
“You find a purpose. You find something that makes you happy. Something that keeps you busy. If you sit at home waiting for them to cal
l or worrying than you’ll drive yourself crazy.”
“I have school, and my job. It’s the reason I’m not here with him. He wants me to finish school.”
“You have to have your own life,” Terri said seriously. “It’s fine and great to be involved in your husband’s career, but you have to have your own purpose and your own life. Something that’s just for you and makes you happy independent of him. If not, you’ll just get sucked into the bullshit of the military and it can eat you alive. Do you have a strong support system? Family, other wives?”
“Not really.” She shook her head. “Ben’s family has been better than my own, but I don’t know anyone else who has someone in. I don’t know anyone who can understand what I’m feeling.”
“The military has a lot of resources. You just have to find them, ask what they might be able to offer you. They’ll be a support system for you, get you answers to what it’s like to be a spouse. Even resources to read through about things like moves and entitlements.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Reach out. Find something local or close to you and see what they can offer to you help you through this. It’s true what they say, there really is no other life like it, and no one can do this alone.”
“Thank you. I’ve felt so isolated, so separate. It’s like I have this huge thing and no one around me understands what it’s like.”
“We all go through it. It’s hard, but if you love him it’s worth it.”
“I do love him.”
“Then it’s worth it.” Terri smiled reassuringly at her. “You might hit some walls, being how you’re engaged and not married. Some of the spouses can be kind of catty and if you’re not married they don’t think you understand what it’s like, but not everyone is like that.”
“Thank you.” She said as she gave the older woman a smile. It was nice to know she really wasn’t alone.
“I’m just glad I could help. So what do you study at school?” she asked and the two of them fell into an easy conversation.
It was nice to just talk to another woman about trivial things. The three days she’d been with Ben had been wonderful, but they’d also been intense. A part of her was angry he’d told her about the possibility of a deployment right off the bat like that, but the other part was glad he hadn’t lied to her or told her just before she’d left. She’d had three days to process it, if he’d told her before her flight she would be a basket case right now.
She didn’t know what would happen and she didn’t know what the future would hold, all she knew was that she loved Ben and she would be there for him. She would wait for him.
Chapter Ten
December 25th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
I know you’re on duty tonight so I won’t get a chance to talk to you, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and Merry Christmas. I left you a message earlier but then shit happened, of course.
Mom and Dad are at it again. Dad came home a few days ago and mom found something, panties or some chick’s phone number and she flipped out on him. They were screaming and mom just started hitting him. I don’t know what made me care this time but I tried to step in and get her to stop, and she hit me. First time she’s ever done that, but then dad started in on me. Instead of thanking me or feeling like an ass because I had to step in, he lit into me too and I just left. Christmas day and I had to leave my house because my parents can’t control themselves. I got home ten minutes ago and Dad was gone and Mom was gone too, that’s new.
So yeah, my Christmas sucks but thinking of you makes it better. Love you.
December 26th 2002
To: Allie
From: Ben
I’m sorry baby. I tried to call you but there was no answer, I hope you’re okay. Why didn’t you go to my parents for Christmas? I’m sure they would have loved to have you, especially if they knew what happened. I’ve been thinking about you so much since you left. I miss you, baby. I’m half tempted to tell you to quit school and come here, but we both know this is the way it has to be. You have to get your education and I have to get established. It’s hard now but we’re setting ourselves up for the rest of our lives.
I don’t know when I’ll be able to call you. Try calling me when you get home, hopefully we catch each other. Love you.
December 29th 2002
To: Ben
From: Allie
Tried calling but your messages never clicked on. Mom came home last night. She must have found some guy to have a bender with. Dad’s still gone, but what else is new. I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of the drama and the fighting and the routine. Why can’t my family be normal? Well, I feel better, call me when you can, I miss you. Love you.
December 31st
To: Ben
From: Allie
Happy New Year’s Eve! Hopefully you have fun at your party, I’m just about to head over to Jacklyn’s for her party. It’s going to be weird seeing everyone again. It’s funny how they’ve been home for weeks but I’ve only seen them a few times. Really only Jacklyn and Toby have reached out to me. Out of sight out of mind I guess. Anyway, have fun, love you.
January 1st 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey babe, call me when you get this. I called your house but your mom answered and I’m way too hungover to deal with that right now. You might have to call twice. Love you.
January 7th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Haven’t heard from you in a few days, if you’re calling I’m not getting the message. I’m home for the rest of the night, it would be nice to talk to you…
January 8th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Hey babe, I’m going to have to go dark for a few weeks, we’re doing some field training so I won’t be able to call or email. Should be back beginning of February. Email me your hours again, I really don’t want to play Russian roulette with talking to your mom anymore. Love you, sorry for the short notice.
January 13th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Happy birthday baby! I love you, and wish I could be there with you today. Even though you won’t get this for weeks I wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. I miss you like crazy, can’t wait for you to get home so I can talk to you.
January 28th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
So don’t bother calling me when you get back. I don’t live at home anymore. Mom kicked me out. Guess the fact that I’m eighteen and in college means she’s done her mothering, and now she and Dad are going to ‘work on their relationship with no distractions’. So I guess I’m the distraction that’s kept them apart all these years?
So sick of the drama. I’m crashing at Casey’s house for now, that friend I told you about from philosophy class. I don’t work enough to pay for school and life so I have no idea what I’m going to do. Casey said I could stay here, and rent out the spare room since someone moved out after last semester. I honestly have no idea how I’m going to pay for everything. If I stay here I’m going to have to get another job because commuting two hours to pour coffee just isn’t worth it, plus add school to that…it looks like it’s going to be a mountain of student loans for me.
I left you a message with my new number. It’s the house line but if I stay I’ll get my own so at least it will be easier to talk. I check my email every day at school and the house has Internet so it should be easier to catch up.
Yeah…so hope you had fun. I really wish I could talk to you. I miss you and it’s hard not having you around the corner anymore. Your parents have pretty much stopped Sunday dinners. I thought it was because of the holidays but it looks permanent. I have no idea why but whatever. Guess I really have nothing keeping me home now.
Sorry to dump all of this on you in an email. I’ll talk to you when you get back. Love you.
February 3rd 2003
From: Ben
SERIOUSLY? I call your new place hoping to talk to my girlfriend and some random dude answers, says you’re busy and then hangs up on me?! I’ve been gone for a month and what, you replace me? Who the fuck was the guy? If you’re fucking around on me then at least have the decency to tell me instead of getting your fuck toy to tell me.
February 3rd 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
WHAT? You think I’m fucking around on you? What the hell is wrong with you? I told you I’m staying with Casey. Casey is a guy. I’m in my own room and he’s in his own room. I would never do that to you. I wouldn’t even dream of it and the first thing you do when you hear a guy’s voice is assume I’m cheating? What have you been doing? Are you messing around on me and that’s why you’re accusing me? And pick up your damn phone, I don’t want to have this fight over email but I will if you don’t answer my damn calls.
February 4th 2003
To: Allie
From: Ben
Me? You’re accusing me? I’m in the infantry genius. THERE ARE NO CHICKS IN THE INFANTRY. You think I’m fucking around with a guy, or are you just trying to change the subject off the fact that YOU’RE LIVING WITH A GUY!
February 4th 2003
To: Ben
From: Allie
Your whole base isn’t infantry asshole. I know there are women on your base, I saw a whole bunch of them when I was there. How do I know you’re not fucking them while you’re partying every weekend? I go to school full time and I work full time hours, when am I supposed to have time to cheat on you?
February 5th 2003