by A. T Brennan
When the movie was over Allie turned to him.
“What do you want to do now? Do you need to get home?”
“I have a few hours, unless you want me to go.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“We could watch another movie.”
“Sure, you pick this time.”
He took the remote from her and scrolled through the choices. He settled on another comedy. It looked like it would be safe.
When the move began to play Allie moved closer to him on the couch. Hoping he was reading things right, he lifted his arm and draped it over her shoulders. She scooted closer to him, so she was pressed right up against his side and rested her head against his chest.
He breathed out a contented sigh and turned his attention back to the movie. She felt incredible. It had been a long time since he’d had casually intimate contact with anyone, and he hadn’t realized how much he missed it until that moment.
Twenty minutes into the movie he was uncomfortable and having a hard time concentrating. Allie had shifted so she was leaning against him with her breasts nestled against his side. He could feel them pressing into him every time she breathed, and he couldn’t stop his imagination from running away from him.
He could almost feel her soft skin under his hands, taste her warm breasts against his tongue. Arousal washed over him in pleasant but annoying waves, and his cock was rock hard in his pants. He tried to focus on the movie, but all he could think about was grabbing her and torturing her body with pleasure before making love to her.
A few minutes later he jumped. He’d been so deep in thought he hadn’t even realized Allie had reached toward him. It wasn’t until her hand closed around his erection that he was brought back into reality.
“Fuck, Allie,” he breathed as she turned her head to look up at him.
“Does that feel good?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want me, Ben?”
“I want you.” He nodded. “But I don’t want you to feel like you have to—”
“I’m an adult now. You don’t have to shield me or try to make sure you’re not taking advantage of me,” she cut him off. “I want you, and I don’t want you to hold back.”
He groaned as she stroked her hand over him a few times, then shifted so she was facing him.
“Fuck.” He leaned back as she unbuttoned his fly and reached into his pants to pull him free. Her hand felt incredible, and he lifted his hips so he could push his pants down to give her better access.
“God. Fuck, Allie.”
She grinned up at him and leaned forward. His breath caught as her mouth closed around the very tip of him, and he closed his eyes as she started to bring him into her warm mouth.
She felt amazing and he had to focus on not completely giving in to the pleasure he was feeling. If he did then it would be over before it began, and he wasn’t about to leave her wanting.
He fisted his hand in her hair, wrapping the long strands around his palm to keep them out of her face, and so he could watch her.
After only a few minutes he reached down and pulled her off him.
“Shit, Allie. You’re almost too good at that.”
She grinned and delicately wiped her mouth.
That simple move sent a flare of desire through him and he had to bite back a growl as he grabbed her by the hips and pulled her onto his lap.
“Oh god!” She gasped as he reached under her sweater and unclasped her bra. He needed to see her beautiful body and he couldn’t wait another second.
He ripped off her sweater then stripped off her bra. As soon as her breasts were free and exposed to his gaze he leaned forward and closed his lips around one of her nipples.
“Oh god. Yes!” she cried out, cradling his head and pulling him closer to her body. “Fuck!”
With a grunt he released her nipple and moved over to her other breast, determined to ravish it before going back to the first. She continued to cry out to him, and by the time he pulled away she was panting and her skin was flushed.
“Fuck, Ben.”
“Take off your tights.”
She nodded and he helped her stand. As she stripped off her tights he yanked off his shirt and then pulled his pants back up to cover his cock. He wanted to concentrate on giving her the most pleasure he could. He was a much better lover now that he was older, and he wanted to make sure she got his A game.
The moment she was nude he grabbed her hand and led her over to the side of the couch. He pushed her up against the wall and kissed her, immediately sweeping his tongue deep into her mouth.
She moaned against his lips and gripped his ass over his pants, pulling him right up against her body. When he was satisfied that her head was spinning as much as his, he pulled away and knelt in front of her.
“Ben?” she questioned as she looked down at him.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then just go with it. If you don’t like it tell me, but it should feel incredible.”
After a second she nodded.
“Hold on to the side of the couch. Brace yourself.”
When her hand was gripping the top of the couch he grabbed her ankle and lifted her leg. He waited until she had her balance and then moved her foot so it was resting on the arm of the couch and she was completely open to him.
He saw her bite her lip, but she didn’t say anything to stop him. He could tell she felt exposed and vulnerable. He hoped that would disappear when he started.
By balancing on one leg and standing, her orgasm should be even more intense and hit faster than if she was relaxed and lying down. He couldn’t be sure her body worked that way but hoped he would be able to give her as much pleasure as possible.
He lowered his mouth to her, keeping eye contact until his mouth closed over her clit.
“Oh fuck!” she nearly screamed the moment his tongue flicked over her. “Shit, Ben!”
He grinned against her and focused on teasing and pleasing her. It would seem he’d been right.
She cried out to him, begging him for more as her body heaved above him. After a moment he slipped two fingers deep inside her and timed his strokes with his tongue.
“Fuck!” she screamed, and a moment later her entire body contracted and she began slipping down the wall as she found her orgasm.
He gripped her around the waist, holding her up as he stood.
“Oh god.”
He caught her leg before she could lower it and shifted so he could slip inside her still contracting channel.
“Fuck, babe.” He shook his head and widened his stance. There was a seven inch height difference between them but somehow she seemed to have been made for him.
“Yes, fuck yes, Ben!” she cried. “Fuck me, baby. Please fuck me.”
With a strangled cry he gave up trying to be slow and teasing and almost slammed himself inside her body. He was being rough, he knew that, but she just cried out for more.
He pressed his lips against hers, needing to kiss her and feel that extra intimacy as they had sex. He’d planned to be loving and tender, but now all he felt was savage need and desire.
He managed to keep control for a few minutes, but when he felt the familiar cramping in his legs and abdomen, he knew he was moments away from release.
“Fuck. I’m close, babe.” He pulled his lips from hers and shook his head. “I can’t last much longer.”
“It’s okay. Finish.” She gasped a bit her lip.
“Not before you.” He shook his head and shifted so he could lift her other leg, pressing her against the wall as he pulled both of her legs around his waist. Using his body he pinned her against the wall and began grinding against her, hoping to stimulate her orgasm before he was forced to give into his.
“Oh fuck!” Her nails dug into his back as she gripped him. “Fuck, I’m going to come, baby.”
“Yeah. Come for me, babe,” he urged as her body tightened around him. “Come on.”
“Fuck, I’m coming. Ben!”
The moment she called out his name he was lost. His orgasm overtook him the same moment hers did and they finished together. Their voices mixed and rang out over the sound of the movie still playing in the background, and he let himself experience everything.
As his mind began to clear he realized he was still holding her up. She wasn’t heavy but she was shaking slightly. He wasn’t willing to let her go but figured she would feel more stable if he was sitting. He held her tight and pushed off the wall, walking them over to the couch and then sat down on the middle cushion.
He held her close, stroking her hair as she panted and gasped against his shoulder. That had been incredible and he wanted to feel her as long as possible.
It wasn’t until she sat up that his now limp member slipped out of her, and they both realized what he’d forgotten.
“Oh fuck.” He stared up at her in horror as she gasped. “Allie?” he asked when she covered her mouth with her hand. “Allie?”
“I’m not on birth control.” She pulled her hand from her mouth and shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Where are you in your cycle?” His chest tightened as she shook her head. “Allie?”
“I’m right in the middle of it. Shit.”
“It’s okay. It doesn’t happen every time.”
“But it can.” She slid off him and shook her head. “It could happen.”
“Yes, but only if you want it to.”
“What?”
He could see she was about to get hysterical and he reached over and grabbed her sweater. “Put this on as you listen, you’ll feel better.”
Numbly she took the sweater and pulled it on.
“You have options. You can get the morning after pill—”
“You want me to terminate?”
“I want you to do whatever you feel is best for you. It’s your body. You have to make the choice that’s best for you.”
“I don’t want to.” She shook her head as tears gathered in her eyes. “I don’t want to have to decide if I take the pills or wait. And then after I wait, if it’s positive, then I have to choose again? I don’t know what to do—”
“Allie, baby. Take a deep breath. Please.”
“I can’t think about this.”
“I’m sorry, Allie. This is my fault. I should have put one on but I got carried away and didn’t think of it. I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t stop you.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’ll support whatever decision you make. I promise you that.”
“I—I…”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“I need to be alone. I have to think about this. Everything.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll go. But promise me you’ll call if you need to. I don’t care what time it is or what the reason is, okay? Call me.”
“I promise.”
He nodded but then paused. He didn’t want to leave her, not in this state, but if she was anything like the girl he’d known than she would shut down if he pushed it. She’d always needed time alone to process before she could talk it out.
“Bye, Allie.”
She just nodded distractedly as her gaze settled over his shoulder. She was already lost in thought.
He stood, pulled up his pants and then put on his shirt. He didn’t want to leave and felt like shit for walking away from her, but he knew it’s what she wanted.
Giving her one last look he bit his lip and walked toward her front door.
As he was heading to his car everything seemed to hit him at once and he felt the overwhelming urge to go home. He needed to think, and he needed to get away from the temptation of stopping and buying a drink.
Chapter Seventeen
Allie didn’t sleep at all. She managed to doze because she was exhausted, but couldn’t fall into a deep sleep.
There was only one other time she’d ever been in this situation before, and that was when she’d gone to Ben’s graduation.
She’d made the difficult choice of getting the morning after pill then, and had never told him. It had taken her a long time to get over that decision, and now she was in the same predicament with the same man.
She wanted kids. She’d always seen herself as a mother, but she’d never pictured herself as a single mom.
She believed Ben when he said he would support her, but they weren’t together.
They’d had a handful of conversations and had sex twice. He wasn’t sure if he was even staying in town, and they’d never made any plans beyond their date.
The easiest and the smartest thing would be to go and get the pill again, but she couldn’t do it.
She was thirty-three years old and single. Her clock had been ticking for a few years now and she didn’t know if marriage and children were in her future. She could spend the next few years searching for her forever person only to end up alone and past her baby making expiry date.
Then she would be stuck either adopting or spending a fortune on fertility treatments and donor sperm, and she’d still be single.
At least now it was with Ben. It wouldn’t be a stranger’s baby in her womb, it would be his. She would raise it alone, but at least she’d have his support.
The more she thought about it the more she knew she couldn’t take the pill, not this time. If it was meant to be than she would be a mom. If it wasn’t than she would get her period and she’d wait until she was in a better place.
She was grateful it was Saturday and she could hide for the next few days. She might be at peace with her decision, but that didn’t mean she was calm.
There were so many things to think about and plan for, but first she had to get through the next two weeks to see if she was pregnant or not.
Ben didn’t call and she was grateful. He was giving her the space she needed, but eventually she would have to tell him what she’d decided.
It was true that it was her body, but it was his seed. He was involved and this impacted him as well. She needed to be honest and upfront with him, but she needed time before she could talk to him.
* * * * *
“Hello?” Ben knew who it was before he answered the call and did everything he could to keep his voice calm.
“Ben, hi.”
“Allie. Hi.”
“I didn’t take the pill.”
He felt a rush of emotions rise in his body, and he was shocked that relief was the strongest one.
“Oh. Okay.”
“I still have at least a week and a half before I can take a test.”
“Okay, sure.”
He felt like a tool only offering one word answers and monosyllables, but he had no idea what to say.
He’d spent days obsessing over their predicament, trying to think about things rationally. This was the first time he’d ever had a pregnancy scare, and as he’d thought about it he’d realized he didn’t want her to terminate it.
He would have supported her no matter what, but he was so happy she was waiting. He’d always wanted a family and kids, but he’d spent so long running from finding either he’d figured his window was closed.
He was a mess. He was single and unemployed. His PTSD was still a major factor in his everyday life and he felt like a loser.
The last thing he could do was invite a stranger into his life as it was. He couldn’t bring in a partner who didn’t know him until he was ‘fixed’, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel ‘fixed’.
Allie wasn’t a stranger. She’d been his best friend and then his fiancée. She was the only woman he’d ever loved, and even though they weren’t together, she was the only person he felt comfortable with.
If he was ever going to have a child with someone, Allie was the only option. The situation wasn’t ideal and it was so far removed from what he’d pictured, but it was happening and he was actually happy.
If it turned out she wasn
’t pregnant than all of this worry would have been for naught, but if she was then he would do whatever he needed to in order to support her. If they were going to have a baby together then he was going to be an active part of her and their child’s life.
“Are you okay with everything?” she asked after a pause.
“I am. I told you I’d support whatever choice you made. I meant it.”
“Thanks for being so great, and not running for the hills.”
“We’re in this together, no matter what. Do you want some company?”
“I think I just need to be alone for a while.”
“For how long?”
“I’ll call you if I’m going to take a test.”
“Oh, okay.”
His heart fell at her words. He might be happy and ready for this but it sounded like she wasn’t. Did she decide to wait it out because she didn’t believe in terminating and it had nothing to do with him? Was he literally a sperm donor now and a child support check later?
He felt his defenses rise and knew he had to get off the phone before he said something he couldn’t take back.
“Okay. Well. Give me a call if you need anything.”
“Oh, sure. I will.”
“Okay. Good.”
He hung up the phone before she could say anything more and shook his head.
He was spiraling. He could feel himself losing control of his emotions and his chest tightened as his vision started fading in and out. A rush of thoughts swirled around in his mind, their flow unpredictable and uncontrollable. His skin tingled and there was white noise filling his ears.
He felt Zeus’s wet tongue against his cheek and began to snap out of his panic. When he felt Zeus’s warm body and slightly bristly fur pressing against his chest he was able to pull in a deep breath.
His vision cleared as Zeus pressed his face against the side of his neck and his body relaxed as he felt Zeus’s long and slow breaths against him.
It took a moment but he was able to shake the panic attack. He just wrapped his arms around his dog and waited for everything to pass. Without Zeus he would have lost complete control and it could be days before he’d be able to shake the full effect of a panic attack. Zeus had helped him more times than he could count. He’d pulled him out of the darkest recesses of despair, and moments where it had felt like the only way to stop the pain and panic was to end it all.