by A. T Brennan
“I never forgot you!” She snatched her hand away from his as tears sprung into her eyes. “No matter who I was with or what I was doing your ghost was always right there. Even when I didn’t want to think about you or about what we had, I thought about it. I compared every friend and man in my life to you. You were my standard and I never found anyone who even came close to you.”
“But you still wanted to find someone who wasn’t me.”
“Where the fuck is this coming from?” She stared at him in disbelief. “You broke up with me. You sent me a letter that shattered my world and I’m the bad one for trying to move on?”
“It’s just a little hard to know how I spent fourteen years pining for a woman who used me as a barometer for her future husband.”
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Get out of my house, Ben.” She jumped up.
“We have to talk about the baby—”
“No, we don’t. Right now you need to leave before you say something you can’t take back.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to shut me out if I say something you don’t like?”
“No, I’m going to give you the chance to walk away before it escalates to a point we can’t come back from.”
“You honestly think I could hurt you like that?”
“Fourteen years ago I would have said no. Now I’m not so sure.”
“Allie—”
“Leave, Ben. I’m stressed, hormonal and freaking out. Plus you just dropped a huge bombshell on me. I need time to think about this before we make any decisions about the baby.”
“Allie—”
“Now, Ben.”
“Fine.” He stood and shook his head. “But we will talk about it.”
“We have nine months to figure shit out.” She looked away from him. “Just go. I’m tired and I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I don’t want to cry in front of you and I’m afraid that if you don’t leave, I’ll break down.”
“Allie—”
“Please. I need to be alone right now.”
After a long pause he nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets as he turned to leave. She watched him until he was out of her house and then sat back down on the couch with a strangled sob.
Now that she knew why Ben had broken up with her all those years ago she felt even worse. He’d made the choice to protect her, but in reality he’d only hurt her. He’d apparently spent his adult life pining for her, but was angry that she’d looked for love after he’d told her to do just that in the damn letter.
She was so confused and hurt by his reaction. She didn’t know why he’d gotten so angry at her, and she was still reeling from everything that had been going on the past few days. The boy she’d known and loved was gone. Now she had to ask herself if the man in his place was someone she could love, or even someone she wanted to love.
Chapter Twenty-One
For the next two days Ben felt like shit. He’d crossed the line when he’d talked with Allie, he knew that. He’d lashed out at her because he’d felt vulnerable and hurt, and that wasn’t okay. She had every right in the world to be furious with him, and he had no idea why he’d done it.
He’d gone over there with every intention of telling her how much he cared for her, and how he would do anything he could to give her what she needed. He’d wanted to tell her the ball was in her court and he would take his cues from her.
After assuring her he was happy and wanting to support her, he’d hoped to bring up his family. Allie might not have anyone but she would be instantly welcomed back into his family. His parents would be thrilled to have another grandchild, Nicole had already told him how she felt about Allie coming back into his life, and now his nephew would have a cousin to grow up with.
He’d wanted to make sure she knew there were people she could call and rely on, and instead he’d hurt her because the thought of her with someone else had destroyed him.
He felt like dog shit and he was on pins and needles. After what he’d done he knew he had to wait for her to reach out to him, but it was nearly impossible to sit and wait passively.
* * * * *
Two nights after the fight with Allie, Ben was sitting at his table with a huge cup of coffee in front of him and Zeus at his feet.
It was time to show Allie that he was going to be there for her. He could tell her until he was blue in the face, but unless he put some steps into motion to show her, he wouldn’t blame her for questioning his word.
The first thing he had to do was get a job. He had plenty of money saved up and had some coming in, but he needed a purpose. He had to find something to do that would show her he was willing to help financially, and willing to move on from the marines.
He didn’t have a lot of skills that could be transferred to civilian life. The marines had been his first and only job, and while he had a list of qualifications a mile long, none of them were recognized in the civilian job force.
He didn’t want to go back to school. He knew it was an option for him, but he didn’t have four years to waste in college, or two for community college. The thought of spending just as long in trade school, and having to do an apprenticeship after, wasn’t something he wanted to look into either.
If it was just him than he would have considered going to school to become a mechanic. He loved working on cars and he was good with them, but it could take up to five years to become certified. He had a baby showing up in less than a year.
With a sigh he picked up his tablet and began scrolling through a job site. There were a lot of jobs on there he could do, but not a lot he wanted to do. Everything was minimum wage or part time. He needed more than that.
He was just about to close down his tablet when a listing caught his eye. It was a security company looking for someone to fill a management position.
He opened the link and read through the job description. They wanted someone with either a security or military background, and experience in management or being in charge of people. They wanted someone with experience in planning, scheduling, training, and someone who had experience with offensive and defensive tactics.
The more he read the more intrigued he became. It looked as though the job was for a company that contracted out security guards to businesses, but also did training for hired bodyguards and security personnel. The pay was twice what he’d been making when he’d left the service and the hours were stable.
It was the perfect job. It would play on his strengths and experience, and would be a good transition into civilian work. He had experience with everything they were looking for, and he was a veteran. The job was safe but it wasn’t boring, and he’d feel useful while getting paid a very decent wage.
He looked up the contact information and saw there was a phone number but no email address. It was too late to call now. He would get up early and call first thing in the morning. He might not get the job or even an interview, but at least it would get the ball rolling. He’d found one job he wanted to do, there had to be more out there if this one fell through.
* * * * *
Allie felt lost.
It had been a week since she’d kicked Ben out of her house after their fight, and she hadn’t heard from him.
That morning the reality of her pregnancy had hit her, hard. She’d gone to her doctor and had peed on another stick to show she really was pregnant. Then she’d answered a million questions about her health and habits, had an ultrasound scheduled for the following month, and had been given a dozen pamphlets to look over. They’d discussed her prenatal care and he’d outlined what she could expect to start happening to her body.
After she’d gone back to work she’d been hungry so she’d had a snack. Five minutes later her stomach had heaved and she’d had to race to the bathroom. She’d made it just in time so she didn’t make a mess, but most of her coworkers had seen her and asked if she was okay.
She’d lied and said it was a stomach bug, but wondered how lon
g she could keep it a secret if she kept getting sick at work.
Now she was at home and her stomach still felt a little unsettled. She didn’t know if it was because she was worried or if it was the pregnancy. All she knew was what her doctor had told her—stress affected the baby so she had to try and limit the amount of stress in her life.
As she lay on her couch she wished she had a female friend to talk to. Someone who had kids and had been pregnant. She had a dozen questions, but outside of the Internet she had no ways to get the answers.
Even if she reached out to her friends back in the city, there wasn’t anyone in the group who could help her. One of the things that had drawn them together as a group was the fact that they were all single and childless.
Now she was single and pregnant, and she really wished she had some female support.
She was just about to sit up and get herself a glass of water when her phone rang.
“Hello?” she answered, not recognizing the number.
“Allie, hi. It’s Nicole.”
“Nicole? Wow. Hi.” Allie shook her head and sat up. “It’s been a long time.”
“Yeah, too long. I’m sorry to call out of the blue like this, but I got your number from Ben.”
“He knows you’re calling me?”
“He does.”
“Oh. Okay. What’s going on?”
“He told me about the baby.”
“Oh…” Allie didn’t know how she felt about that. They hadn’t discussed who they would tell or when, and she immediately wondered how many other people knew.
“Only I know. He’s waiting to tell our parents until you guys know more.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“The reason I’m calling is to let you know that I’m here if you ever need a woman to talk to. I had my son two years ago and I was extremely lucky to have three friends pregnant at the same time as me, plus my husband’s sister had three kids already. I had lots of women to talk to about everything from peeing every two hours to the strange cravings.”
“I don’t know what to say…”
“I can only imagine how alone and scared you must feel, but you’re not.”
“I feel like I am.”
“Did Ben tell you about his PTSD.”
“He did.”
“For Ben, that trauma makes it hard for him to process emotional things. Sometimes his first reaction isn’t the best one. He’s getting better. Just a few years ago he was so fragile that saying the wrong thing could set off a panic attack. He’s come a long way but he’s not healed yet.”
“So I have to worry he’ll go off on me every time I say something he doesn’t like?”
“No, and you shouldn’t have to. I’m just saying that sometimes he reacts badly when he’s not thinking that way.”
“So he could be happy about everything but not know how to tell me?”
“Yes.”
“I guess that makes sense. But how do I get him to talk to me about this?”
“You just have to show him that you’re willing. Dealing with someone who has PTSD can be frustrating and feel impossible some days, but when you love them you realize that not everything they say or do is in their control.”
“Ben’s lucky to have a sister like you.”
“He’s a good person. He’s dealt with things most people couldn’t even imagine. I’ll never give up on him being able to break free from the trauma, and completely becoming the Ben we used to know again.”
“You think that Ben is still in there?”
“I know he is.”
“Wow.”
“I know it’s a lot to think about and deal with considering what’s going on in your life and your body right now, but try to be a little patient with him. Call him on his bullshit and make him realize it’s not okay to be a jerk or say stupid stuff, but then try to understand why he might have said it.”
“I guess that makes sense. Don’t put up with the behavior, help him correct it.”
“Exactly. Sometimes he needs to be put in his place, and then there are others when he needs to be coddled a bit more.”
“So when he’s upset, try to be understanding?”
“Unless he crossed a line and says or does something hurtful. With Ben, I found letting him grieve helps him process it, but stopping his self-destructive patterns as they start helps him stay stable.”
“It seems complicated.”
“Psychological injuries are. They affect everyone differently and everyone needs different treatment. For Ben it’s Zeus and having understanding people in his life. For others it’s medication, therapy, or even in-patient treatment.”
“I had no idea it could be so serious.”
“I’m not going to tell you the statistics or numbers of veterans who commit suicide because of their PTSD. Ben has a family behind him, a lot of vets don’t. I swore I would do everything I could to help him realize there are people here who love and need him. I’m only his sister. You’re his soulmate.”
“I used to be. Now I’m a stranger.”
“You never stop being someone’s soulmate. You just have to decide if that’s what you want in your life or if you need something different.”
“I want the father of my baby in my life, in our life.”
“Than you and Ben need to figure out how that’s going to work for the two of you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just think about what I said, and think about what you want. Did my number show up on your call ID?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s my cell. Call or text any time. I’ll give you my home number too, and our parents numbers in case there’s an emergency.”
“Let me just get a pen.”
Allie went to the kitchen and grabbed a pen and piece of scrap paper. She copied down the numbers Nicole told her and then stuck them on her fridge.
“Thanks.”
“No problem, Allie. And I mean it. Call me any time with any questions you might have. Nothing is too embarrassing or strange. They want you to believe that pregnancy is this magical experience, and while it can be, it’s also weird. Strange things happen to and with your body, so if you have any questions, skip the Internet and call me.”
“Thanks, Nicole. It means a lot that you reached out like this. I was actually just thinking about how I don’t have any women in my life I can call on about this.”
“You were a huge part of my life, Allie. I might never have told you, but I always thought of you as a big sister. I regret losing touch with you, and how we pulled away after Ben went off for his training. We should have been more supportive.”
“You were sixteen. I don’t blame you for putting your focus on your friends and yourself at that age.”
“Maybe, but I still should have done more, especially when he went on tour. We had each other to rely on, you had no one…”
“I’ve never blamed any of you. I figured that if I was scared than you all must be terrified. He was your family.”
“He’s yours too.”
“Maybe.”
“Just think about what I said and decide what’s best for you. Right now you have to think about yourself and your baby. Ben knows that and he understands.”
“Is that why he’s kept silent for a week?”
“I don’t know all the details. When I called for your number he told me how he was a jerk and felt horrible. He hoped you’d feel better knowing I was around to help you, and that you’d let him be there for you.”
“I think I have a lot to think about.”
“I think you’re right.”
“Thanks, Nicole. For everything.”
“My pleasure. And I’m happy you’re back in our lives.”
“Thanks.”
As Allie cut the call she was a little in shock. Nicole calling her out of the blue was one thing, but then there was the realization that Ben hadn’t said those things to her out of anger, he’d done
it because he was struggling.
Everything Nicole had said made sense and she picked up her phone and opened up the Internet. She would do some research on PTSD and how it affects people. She would need to know when Ben was being a dick and when it was out of his control. The more she knew about what he was going through, the more she could help him and the more he could be there for her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Allie’s head was spinning. There was so much information out there on PTSD, and the stats that Nicole had avoided telling her were staggering. It was thought that ten percent of all homeless people were veterans. Alcohol and drug dependency was extremely high in vets, and only getting higher, and suicides were at crisis level.
Twenty veterans committed suicide each and every day. That number was so terrifying it made her heart nearly skip a beat. She’d known there was a problem but she’d been ignorant as to how high the numbers were, or just how serious a problem it was. Ben could have been one of those twenty a day. He’d admitted to her that he’d had a problem with alcohol, and he’d said that without Zeus he would never have been able to deal with his trauma.
After reading everything she could get hold of, and finding out as much about PTSD and how to help someone who suffers from it, she made up her mind.
She could dance around the truth and deny it until she was blue in the face, but she would never be able to change the fact that she was still in love with Ben. Nicole was right. He was her soulmate, and she wanted him in her life.
It wasn’t just because she was pregnant or because she wanted to ‘save’ him. It was because she loved him. She would want him if she wasn’t carrying his child or if he wasn’t suffering from PTSD. She wanted him because he was Ben. Her Ben.
She would reach out to him and see what he wanted. She was hopeful he’d want the same as her, but she was willing to wait for him. If he needed time than she would give it to him. She was willing to wait as long as she had to for him.
* * * * *
When Allie got home from work she was feeling off. Her stomach had felt sour all day and nothing she’d eaten had sat well. She’d felt tired and drained from the moment she’d woken up, and every time she’d looked in the mirror she’d been pale and a little drawn. She’d managed to keep her food down, but half of her office had asked if she was sick and her boss had even suggested she take a half day off.