by Davis, Alexa
“I’m in the kitchen!” she called out loudly. “You want anything to eat?”
“Yeah…everything you have. A change of clothes, too.”
As I wandered into the kitchen, and she smelt and saw the state of me, she burst into laughter. “Oh my God, what the hell happened to you? It looks like you’ve been in a fight with a fish.”
She tossed me a pair of navy blue sweatpants, which I pulled on quickly, glad to be free of that stink. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it!” I told her exasperatedly. “I had to cover the fucking fish cleaning competition. Who even reads this shit?” My temper came out now as it all started to spill past my lips. “I want something good to write, something juicy, something that will actually progress my career. I’m not getting anywhere with this!”
“Something will come up…” she trailed off with her reassurance when she saw the unimpressed expression on my face.
“I have been slogging away at this job for years now, ever since I left college, and for nothing. Nothing ever happens here!” I threw my hands above my head, wishing desperately that I could come up with a quick fix, something to get me where I needed to be right away. “I have focused only on this, completely ignoring other aspects of my life, and it’s done me nothing.”
“Well, I don’t know,” she joked playfully. “There was that time you were distracted by Baz.”
Urgh, Baz . I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the mere mention of his name. He was a mistake that I didn’t even want to think about anymore. He blew into my life quickly when he moved here to start a real estate agent business, and I fell quick and hard. I loved his dark, crew-cut hair, his deep, brown eyes, and the way he was very serious about everything.
In the end, though, that side of him made me weary. He didn’t seem to ever want to have any fun and that dragged me down with him. Hailey kept telling me that I’d changed and that I needed to break up with him, but I didn’t listen because I never wanted to hear it. I thought that he would change, and that as soon as we got enough money together to get our own place, things would get better…but of course, they never did.
Unluckily at the time – but looking back it was a good thing – his business failed and he had to move away. We didn’t even really have a discussion about breaking up; he just told me that he was going and that was that. I wasn’t even sad about it, which was the strange part. I just accepted it and moved on, vowing to never get with anyone ever again unless there was excitement there, unless there was any chemistry. That was massively lacking, and it got me nowhere.
“Yeah, all right, but you know what I’m saying.”
“At least it pays the bills.” She stroked my arm, trying to reassure me, but it still made me feel like shit about myself. “That has to be something. Some people don’t even know how to make a living.”
“I know.” My head fell into my hands as the crappiness of my life overwhelmed me. “But nothing ever happens here; there aren’t ever any crimes. How am I supposed to get a better job? How am I supposed to move on with my life? I just… I want to be known for something.”
“There are plenty of stories out there that get people noticed,” Hailey told me patiently. “It doesn’t have to be about crime and death. What about that piece that Kaz Schul wrote? About the twins walking for the first time? That certainly progressed her career.”
Kaz lived a couple of towns over, and she was something of a journalistic legend around these parts, pissing me off even more. I wanted that sort of break, and it didn’t seem to happen no matter what.
“You know what?” Hailey continued excitedly. “You should come over to the Hangout sometime, see some of the work we do there. People are having their lives changed every single day. Surely, as a journalist, you could make something out of that… Right?”
“Maybe,” I muttered half heartedly, already knowing I wouldn’t do that. I knew Hailey did well, and I appreciated the changes she made to people’s lives, but it wasn’t ever going to be big enough for me. All I needed was one big break, one thing to happen, and I didn’t feel like a story from the center was going to be enough. “Thank you.”
With that, she brought out a big plate of food, which I ate gratefully, wanting to just forget about it all. If I was going to have my big break, it probably would have happened by now. It didn’t seem like anything was about to fall into my lap anytime soon, and I didn’t have the funds to start traveling around to listen to what other people might have to offer me. But what else could I do? If I didn’t do something drastic soon, I would end up stuck in this hellhole forever.
When my mom and dad moved half way across the country all those years ago, I had refused to go with them because I’d never even heard of the tiny village they were moving to and I didn’t want to limit myself. I felt like I would have more opportunities where I was, but now I was starting to regret that decision. Maybe I should have gone; maybe it was a mistake staying here. Maybe that was when I’d gotten myself stuck, and there was no way I would ever escape now.
“Come on,” Hailey smiled sympathetically, clearly seeing the inner turmoil going on in my mind. “It isn’t all that bad, and things will get better. You just need to believe in yourself.” When my expression didn’t change, she seemed to see that it wasn’t making me feel any better, so she changed the subject. “Why don’t I pull out the wine? I think we both could use a glass.”
I nodded gratefully, needing something to take my mind off this nightmare. As soon as the glass was put in front of me, I gulped it down happily.
“You are a hard worker,” Hailey told me seriously, giving me the talking to that I so clearly needed. “You are dedicated; you will get to where you need to be. Things might look depressing now, but it won’t be that way forever. Remember what my life was like, how little money I had? But I managed to make it work. You can do the same.”
That made me feel guilty because the bumps that Hailey had to overcome were much bigger than mine, and she did it all with a bright grin on her face. She never seemed to let anything get her down, which was the attitude I really needed to adopt. If I could go into the rest of the week with a much more positive, can-do attitude, then maybe things would change. It might not have seemed good right now, but things would improve – they had to. After the fish cleaning competition debacle, surely it couldn’t get any worse?
“Just go for every opportunity offered because you never know where it’s going to lead you.”
“I will,” I nodded, allowing the booze to make me feel a little better. “I will, and hopefully things will get much better.” It had to be better than moping anyway. It had to be better than being negative. Hopefully, eventually, it would all be all right.
Chapter Three
Roy – Tuesday
I woke up alone in my oversized bed with only Tank sleeping at the bottom of the sheets for company, the way I did every single day. I honestly wasn’t sure what I would do without my faithful pet, who waited patiently by my side every single day. When I had bought him, all those years ago, I had no idea what an impact he was going to have on my existence. I hated the fact that he was growing older, getting weaker all the time, because I didn’t like where that would lead. I did my best not to think about it.
“Come on, boy,” I patted him gently. “Let’s get going.”
We padded down the stairs and into the kitchen in unison before I opened the door to let him outside into the garden. While he played and nosed around in the grass, I got breakfast going, cooking enough for the both of us. I knew that it was a little crazy to cook eggs and bacon for my dog, but he loved them just as much as I did, so I really didn’t give it much thought.
As he saw me pouring food into the bowl, he raced back inside and we sat down to eat together, in the same way that we always did. As I moved back up the stairs to get dressed, Tank came with me. I talked to him the entire time, telling him about the plans of the day, and it really felt like he was listening. Someone had to, anyway, and there wasn’t exa
ctly anyone else around.
“Okay,” I finally announced as I was ready to leave. “Let’s go; we need to get to the lumber yard. I can’t get distracted today. I need to get the wood for the fence posts.”
There was a tight knot of anxiety forming in my stomach at even the thought of talking to other people. I just didn’t like it anymore, not in the way that I used to. I’d spent such a long time isolating myself, it actually felt weird to communicate with people I didn’t know. There were certain people I was comfortable with, but everyone else was almost the enemy in my mind. I was certain that in this small town, it gave me a reputation, but I didn’t really care. I didn’t spend enough time with other people for it to bother me.
Just get out there, get the wood, and get home. That’s all you need to do , I tried to think reassuringly to myself, but it didn’t really help me as much as I would have liked. At least with Tank by my side, people focused more on him than they did me. He was a friendly dog who attracted the attention of just about everyone.
As we pulled up to the lumber yard in my truc, I felt grateful for it all over again because for the moment, it helped me to blend in. If I drove a Jaguar or a Ferrari, everyone would be staring at me, but with this, no one even batted an eye.
“Hello, can I help you?” someone yelled in my direction, causing me to instantly launch into what I needed. I ended up getting along pretty well with the guy, and we talked about my project as a whole. I grew excited at the prospect of getting it all done. It was going to take some serious time, and it would leave me alone a lot, but I didn’t mind that. It would be quite an achievement when it was done.
“Look, that does sound a bit much,” the lumber yard manager told me. “I’m sure that for a small fee, I could get some of the guys round to help you.”
“Oh, no thanks,” I told him, maybe a little too sharply. “I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I would prefer to get it done alone.”
“Okay, no problem.” Luckily, he didn’t seem offended by my demands and began sorting out exactly what I needed to get going with this damn fence. I couldn’t wait until it was complete and I could focus on something else, knowing that my stuff was much safer.
As I drove back home, my mind whirring with plans, I figured that I would get started right away with it now that I could get going. I wasn’t expecting anyone today, and I didn’t think Crystal was about to surprise me with yet another visit.
However, when I spotted an incredible Lamborghini in my driveway, it quickly became clear that wasn’t going to happen. I may have only let a couple of people into my life, which should give me plenty of time alone, but I wasn’t having much luck at the moment.
“Lewis,” I cried out happily, as I stepped from my truck. “How are you?” Lewis and I usually only spoke about business-related things, but I genuinely considered him a friend, too. He was the person I spoke to when I needed to, the man who had helped me to recover when things got tough, and the one that I would turn to if my life was in danger. “What have you been up to?”
“Oh, you know, this and that,” he stepped carefully in the mud, causing me to laugh at his tendency to put so much focus on the way that he looked. Whereas I was always a little rough and ready, you could just tell from looking at him that Lewis was the sort of man who spent longer getting dressed than any woman around. “I just need to talk to you about some business stuff, if that’s okay?”
“Sure, no worries, pretty boy!” Luckily, Lewis knew me well enough not to take any notice. He simply chuckled lightly and shook his head at my words.
As we wandered inside, I couldn’t help but think how different Lewis was from when I first met him. He’d recently graduated from MIT with honors, so he was literally the smartest man that I knew. I already had the idea of bringing him into the business to help me with the complicated paperwork stuff that I couldn’t fully understand from the very first second we’d spoken, but it quickly became clear that there were other sides to him, too. We were in the local bar, drinking the same brand of whiskey, and eventually he got drunk enough to tell me everything.
He had grown up in Florence, just like me, but was three years younger than me, which was why our paths had never crossed. He’d moved away to get his education and make himself a career, but he’d been dragged into a life of gambling with his friends. What started off as the odd night in a casino had developed into something much bigger, and in the end, he’d been forced to escape, just to get away from all of his issues.
It was at the time when I was still being a little stupid with my money, so I offered to pay off all of his debts and he could work it off for me.
And thus, a beautiful friendship was born.
It might not have been the most business-savvy decision I made at the time, but it had turned out really well. Lewis had turned his back on his life of gambling and was taking my company from strength to strength.
“So, I was just going to go through some financial stuff,” Lewis started, pulling some paperwork out of his briefcase. “The IRS is coming to audit things in the next couple of weeks, so I just want to confirm everything with you.”
“Look, dude,” I told him seriously. “You know for a fact that I don’t get any of this stuff. I trust you to do what needs to be done – after all, you’ve been keeping things going for this long. I would much rather you just kept on doing what you’re doing, and then you just tell me what I need to do.”
“Yeah?” he asked curiously. “Are you sure you’re okay with that? I mean, if anything crops up that I think you need to know, then I’ll tell you, but I guess there isn’t any point in me telling you stuff you don’t need to know.”
“Sounds good,” I grinned, offering him a can of soda. “Just keep me in the loop on a need-to-know basis.”
“Okay, well, the only thing you need to know is that there’s a conference in St. Louis next week, which you should probably make a statement at. I think it will placate the stockholders if you come and show some interest. I will write your speech, of course.”
“Anything you need.” I didn’t mind doing stuff like that because it only came around once every so often. Plus, with Lewis’s words to get me through it, there wasn’t much room for nerves to come into play. I didn’t feel so self conscious with someone else guiding me. “I’m sure things will be just fine.”
“Okay, that sounds great. I will just keep on top of things.”
As he tucked his things back away, I couldn’t help but smile to myself. Lewis was so serious and straightforward, which was the absolute opposite of me. Whereas I got into my own head and blocked my own path, Lewis used logic to get himself to where he needed to be. It was how we worked together so well.
“So, why don’t you tell me what else you’ve been up to?” I nudged him playfully. “Any women on the scene that you can tell me about?” He remained silent, but the small smile playing on his lips intrigued me. “Oh, come on, tell a lonely, old man what’s going on out there in the world.”
“You have no need to be lonely,” he replied, looking a little sad, which stopped me in my tracks. I wanted this to be a lighthearted conversation, not something that dredged up everything that was wrong with my existence. “You could have the whole world falling at your feet if you wanted.”
“Yeah, well, right now I have a fence to build,” I half joked, wanting to talk about absolutely anything else. “I don’t have time to have loads of people at my feet.”
There were certain things that we didn’t discuss, and this was usually one of them. It seemed like I only had myself to blame, though – after all, I started it. “Actually, I probably should get started.” I stood up, indicating for him to go. I felt bad for kicking him out like that, but I felt backed into a corner and needed to get out. “It’s been good to see you.”
As we embraced one another to say goodbye, I felt my heart wobble a little bit. He was right; I knew it. I was sure that if I allowed him to unleash all the opinions that I was certain he kept bottled up in
side, it would give me a whole lot to think about.
But I didn’t want to think – not about any of it. I just wanted to keep going the way I was. It was working for me. I was surviving. That was enough for the time being. Maybe in the future, I would be able to face things head on, but this wasn’t the moment. It just wasn’t.
“I’ll be in touch.” Lewis shot me one more concerned look before moving towards the door. “And, I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah, we should go for drinks or something soon.” I smiled at him, but he didn’t answer. He turned and left, leaving me all by myself once more.
Chapter Four
June – Tuesday
I walked into work with a new attitude in mind. I was determined to take any half-decent opportunity that came way, one that I might be able to turn into something much bigger. I hoped that if I tackled things with a better mindset, then my big shot would come around sooner rather than later.
After a brief round of hellos with the other journalists, who seemed to be much happier to stay in the position they were already in than me, we sat around the large brainstorming desk for the managing editor to talk to us about the stories that were coming up this week. I wouldn’t sit back this time and wait for something to come to me, because that was how I ended up with the fish cleaning nightmare. I would jump at the first thing that came my way.
“Right, gang,” Mike smiled at us all in turn. “Today we have a few reports rolling in, so let me know if this is something that you want to do. Just call out to claim a story… Oh, you guys know the drill by now!”
As he reeled them off, I felt myself growing increasingly despondent. There was a new store opening in town, a bakery attempting to break a cookie baking world record (which two of the other women actually fought over), and a church party – none of which filled me with any excitement. I needed something bigger, something with more potential, and I could feel that slipping through my fingers.