by Davis, Alexa
So many things had happened, and I wasn’t quite sure how to vocalize any of them. “I… I think I just need a drink,” I eventually managed to spit out as I staggered inside, feeling grateful to be back in these familiar, comforting surroundings.
I sat in June’s kitchen, watching her intently as she got out a much needed beer for me and a bowl of water of Tank. I could trust her, couldn’t I? Sure, she was a journalist, but she’d proven to me more than once that she was willing to put me before her career. I felt like that had to be a good sign. I felt like I could tell her, that I could trust her not to tell anyone.
“It was him,” I eventually said quietly, as she turned to hand me the drink. “I was right. My suspicions were correct.”
“So, it was Lewis who killed the man on your property?” It was plainly obvious that she was trying to control her breathing, to keep herself as calm as possibly, which was exactly how I felt inside. “Okay, so what do you intend to do about it? This can get you off the hook, right? You can finally make the cops see that it had nothing to do with you?”
I shook my head sadly, hating that I was about to let her down again. “I don’t know. I’m honestly not sure if I can do that.” I rubbed my temples, trying to make my throbbing headache go away. All I could see was Lewis’s terrified face, all the mistakes that he’d made crossing his expression. “He has a lot of problems… I knew that when I first hired him.”
“What sort of problems?” June sat across from me and took my hands in hers. She was giving me a sincere look, one that told me she wasn’t judging me for my indecision. At least that was something – it meant I wasn’t the worst person in the world.
“Gambling. When I first met him, he was promising, with great qualifications, but his debts were hanging over him. I helped him with that. I saw what he could be and wanted to do all that I could to help him become that.”
I sighed deeply, allowing all of my regrets to flow through me again. “He was better, he really was, and I trusted him. I thought he had left all of that behind him. I was going to sign the business over to him, for crying out loud.”
“But he went back to it?” June asked slowly, obviously trying to piece the bits of this story together. “Is that why all of this happened?”
“I guess so. I don’t know when, but it seems like he’s been sinking back into that hole for a very long time now. He started using loan sharks and taking money from the business…” Urgh , I still couldn’t work out how all of this had gone on without me noticing. “I guess it’s my fault, too. I’ve been distracted recently, not really focused on the company, at all.”
“It isn’t your fault,” she insisted kindly. “There was no way of knowing, especially not when you put your faith into him. You cannot be blamed for trusting someone.”
“But I did push everything to the backseat of my mind.” I stared into her eyes, baring a piece of my soul to her. “After Shelley died, I just stopped caring about everything. I became a husk, with no emotions, no feeling, and no ability to care. Maybe if I’d stayed focused, then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I could have prevented it before it got too far.”
“Tell me about Lewis,” she told me sharply. “Stop blaming yourself for things you could never have had control over. He is the one who did this, not you. You have enough of your own problems without babysitting a grown-ass man who needs to take responsibility for what he’s done himself. So please, carry on with your story.”
“Well, I guess the debts got too much for him, and someone started to look into him. It led that person to the company, to me, and that’s where Lewis started to confront him.”
“Did he intend to kill him?” she asked, sliding back in her seat, giving me a wide-eyed surprised look. This was obviously a lot for her to handle, just as it was me, but she was taking the time to listen. I was grateful to her for that.
“No, I don’t think so. I think the guy pulled a knife out on him…and from what I understand, things just got out of control. Lewis must have freaked out and run I suppose. Urgh, it doesn’t even bear thinking about.” I couldn’t even imagine the scene of the crime, even after seeing the after effects of it firsthand. I just couldn’t picture Lewis in that situation.
“Is there no way he could just tell the police that? Would he not want to be honest, because it’ll be a lot worse if he gets caught?” She was being harsh, but in a way, it was what I needed to hear – it was why I sought the opinion of another person.
I considered that for a second, really thinking it through. It would make sense for Lewis to do that, but I honestly wasn’t sure that he would. “I don’t think that he has it in him. He’s a coward. The way he’s acted ever since he killed that guy has been cowardly.”
My breaths started coming out a little ragged and panicked as I thought about how this could go for me. “So now, I’m left with a choice. Do I leave the police to find Lewis on their own, possibly risking my future in the process? After all, if they don’t find anyone, they may return to me. Or do I get him sent to jail, throwing away all of my hard work? I don’t know how he’ll survive in prison. I’m not sure that he has it in him.”
I glanced up at her, praying that she would tell me that it was obvious what I needed to do, but she didn’t. Of course she couldn’t – this was my decision to make alone. I was the one who knew Lewis. I was the one who would be affected by this.
“Whatever you decide to do, I will be there for you,” she eventually replied, showing me the truth of her caring nature. “I know this isn’t easy, but you will work it out. I have faith in you.”
“Do you?” I half joked. “Because I don’t have any faith in me. I don’t think I know what to do, at all. I think I proved that with the weird way I reacted to seeing a dead body.”
There they were again, the same faces swilling around in my mind, with the new addition. Mom… Dad… Shelley… The investigator…
“Look, I don’t know for sure because I’ve never been in your position, but I can’t imagine that death is something anyone gets used to. The police obviously jumped on that because they had nothing else to go on, so really it was a dumb excuse.”
She pulled me in for a hug, and I allowed my head to rest on her chest as she spoke some more comforting words to me. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, not now. You need to give your mind a break to help you to make the right decision, so what can I do to distract you?”
But I was barely listening to her words. I had tears streaming down my face, taking over everything else. “I just can’t hack it anymore,” I snapped through the sobs, wanting her to understand just where I was coming from. “Losing my mom was bad luck, losing my dad… Well, that was something else entirely. But when I lost Shelley, well that started to feel personal, you know?” Of course, she didn’t know, but I had to get it off my chest regardless. “Then this … I don’t know. It feels like too much.”
“You’ll get through it,” she insisted. “You’re strong, which you’ve proven by the fact that you’ve been through so much and you’re still here. You could have crumbled, you could have caved, you could have given up, but you didn’t. You’re still here.”
I didn’t feel like I’d carried on and been strong, I felt like I was a puddle on the ground. But I appreciated what she was trying to do for me, so when she reached her hand out to me and led me to the couch, I allowed her to do so willingly. As I sat down and an old black and white movie flickered up onto the screen, I felt the exhaustion consume me. It had been one hell of a day, and that was finally all starting to catch up to me. My head hurt, my eyes felt heavy, but I couldn’t sleep just yet, not with so much running through my mind.
June sat beside me and brought my head down onto her lap, where she proceeded to stroke my hair with one hand and pat Tank with the other. If everything else wasn’t going on around us, it really would be the perfect moment. If I could just empty my mind of all the thoughts, it would be incredible… But there was no getting away from any of it.
�
��So, Shelley…” June started, sounding a little tentative. “What was she like?”
It was weird to be asked such a forthright question, to be given permission to speak about the person everyone had avoided talking about ever since she’d died. It unlocked something inside of me. I could be closer to June than I had anyone before, even Crystal, and that was amazing to me.
“She was great,” I told her warmly. “So kind and full of life. You would have really liked her.” Once I started talking, it didn’t even feel strange anymore; it felt like I was finally able to leave a piece of the past behind me. “I didn’t want to accept it when she got sick, but as the life ebbed away from her and she became a shell of who she once was, I had to face up to it.”
“That must have been really hard,” she said, but from June, I didn’t mind the sympathy. “I don’t know how I would have coped.”
“Well, hopefully, you’ll never have to.” I wouldn’t wish the awful life that I’d had on anyone.
As the cathartic nature of getting stuff off my chest washed over me, my eyes began to flicker shut. Despite everything that had just happened, despite the way that my brain was still running over everything at a million miles an hour, I found myself drifting into sleep regardless. June’s calming nature was having a real effect on me, which made me really glad that I was there. Without her, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would still be the mess I’d been before.
Chapter Thirty
June – Wednesday
Not long after Roy fell asleep in my arms, I dragged him onto the bed so that he could get a better rest. As he finally slept comfortably, I allowed everything that he’d just told me to be processed in my mind. This guy, this Lewis, he also had the chance to set Roy free and he hadn't done it, also for selfish reasons. Roy gave a whole lot to both of us, and we’d given nothing back for him. One of us needed to, and it didn’t seem like it was going to be him, so that really only left me.
I slid into the bed besides him and eventually drifted off to sleep, but my rest was anything but peaceful. My mind raced over and over again, twisting into my dreams, making me see all kinds of terrible outcomes. When I woke up in a weird state of panic, I knew that it was time to put an end to it all. Having a good career didn’t really mean anything. Not to me, not anymore. Not if it meant that I would continue to be a selfish person.
“Morning,” I said to Roy, who was sitting on the end of my bed stroking Tank. “Are you always up this early? Is that something that I need to get used to?”
“Sorry, did I wake you?” he turned to look at me with sleep filling his eyes. “I didn’t mean to, I just—”
“No, not at all, please don’t worry.” I sat up and rubbed him back gently, whilst placing a couple of kisses on his shoulders. “I’m just concerned about you, that’s all.”
“I think I need to go back to the house today,” he told me seriously. “I know that there might still be journalists there, but I have to face it sooner or later.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” By this point, being seen with Roy was the least of my worries. “I’m happy to support you with whatever you need.”
He looked at me gratefully, with a small smile playing on his lips. “Thank you, but I really think this is something that I need to do alone. Plus, I’m sure you have your own stuff to do…work and things. But I will see you later, if that’s okay with you?”
“Of course,” I had to gulp down the big ball of fear that lodged in my throat, and then into my chest at the mere thought of having to let him go, but what choice did I have?
To make his own mind up about what he was going to have to do, he needed some time alone. This was what he had to do to get to where he needed to be. “Anything you need. I’ll have my phone with me all day, so please call me if you need to.”
As I watched him get dressed, and we said a sweet goodbye to one another, I decided that Roy was right – there was a lot that I needed to do, so it would be a much better use of my time. The first thing I did was grab myself a cup of coffee to give me the necessary caffeine to get through the morning, and I switched my laptop on. I had my article finished already, and I wasn’t sure that it would get much better however much I stressed about it, but I needed to give it one last read.
No matter what I wanted to think, this article would be life changing in one way or another, so I wanted it to be the perfect tribute to Roy. As I scanned my eyes over the information, I realized that I could no longer include all the information about him transferring the company, because it might not be true anymore, so instead I did my best to reword it as a story of hope.
I wanted to portray Roy Larkin as the inspirational figure that he was: a self-made man that came from nothing. I wanted the world to see him as a man who had suffered tragedy, but had overcome it to be the successful man that he was today, so I included a little bit of information about his past, but not enough for it to be the main focus of the article.
This was it – it was as perfect as it was ever going to be. Now I just needed to take a printed copy to the office to run in the paper.
I got dressed quickly, with a keen pep in my step as I finally felt happy with what I was about to do and I headed out to the office. As the car whizzed along the roads, I decided to take the bright sunshine and the lack of traffic as a really good sign. Things seemed to be going well, which hopefully was an omen as to what was to come.
“Well, well, well,” Mike teased, but with a snarky tone to his voice as I walked into the building. “What the hell have we done to deserve your presence today?”
“I got the interview,” I replied snappily, shutting him down before he got into a full-on rant. “With Roy Larkin.”
“Is it about the murder?” he gasped in a happy shock, snatching the paperwork from me. “Did you actually get him to talk about it? Please tell me he confessed to you – that would be an incredible story, wouldn’t it?”
As his eyes flickered over the paper, I could already see the disappointment shining in his eyes. “He didn’t do it,” I jumped in quickly. “And I really don’t think that the article should be about that. Everyone else will be writing conspiracy stories; we will actually have something of the truth.”
“Truth? Boring truth. Is anything about the murder in here?” His face was flaring red, but for the first time, I really didn’t give a shit. He could get as furious as he wanted with me; it wasn’t going to make any difference. Not today; I knew for a fact what I was doing was right. “How am I supposed to print this now?”
“You have to print it,” I insisted. “You know it’ll sell papers, and if you want to write about the murder, then you do it.”
“That is why I hired you…”
“But I quit!” I told him, feeling an ecstatic sense of freedom overcoming me. This was something that I never thought I would do. I was determined to make it to the top, to serve my dues to get to where I needed to be, but now…none of that mattered. Doing what was right for Roy did. “So you can no longer give me any demands.”
“But…but…” he stammered. “But this is all you’ve ever wanted…”
I didn’t even bother to dignify that with a response, not to a man who wouldn’t understand however hard I tried. I simply spun on my heels and walked from his office with a beaming smile on my face. It was over. I didn’t care about any of it anymore. Mike was screaming out behind me, and everyone else was staring, but I didn’t care. I was done.
However, when I got outside, I realized that was the easy part. What I had to do next was going to be so much harder; I just hoped that it felt anywhere near as good. I needed to drive to the police station to tell them everything. Now that I didn’t have my job to worry about, it was time to finally set Roy free, to get him off the hook for a murder that he didn’t commit.
***
“So, what you’re telling me is that the reason you didn’t come forward before is because of your job…the job that you’ve just walked away from?” the officer asked me su
spiciously.
“I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but I had a crisis of conscience, I suppose. I just couldn’t let Roy…Mr. Larkin, get locked up for something he didn’t do.” I was shaking like a leaf, hating this interrogation, but glad that I was finally taking a step in the right direction. “I was scared of people finding out about me and Roy, but now I can see that doesn’t matter as much as putting the right man away.”
“And, who is the right man?” he asked me, leaning in a little.
I shook my head, unable to tell him this. I’d done my part, that wasn’t my decision to make. Roy or Lewis would have to do that part; this much was my duty, that was all. “I don’t know,” I replied firmly. “I just know that it wasn’t Roy.”
“I am going to need you to write all of this down,” he told me, handing me paper. “And I need you to include everything – times of meeting, times of intercourse, everything.”
I felt the blush flow through me again. The embarrassing questions that I’d had to suffer was bad enough, but now I was going to have to write it all down, too? “Didn’t you just record it all? Don’t you have it on tape?”
“I do, but this is standard procedure, I’m afraid. I will leave you alone now to get it all down.”
Then he walked from the room, leaving me alone to fully realize the consequences of my decision. Still, a little humiliation was better than losing Roy forever, knowing that he really didn’t deserve that. He’d been through too much in his life, and while I couldn’t assist him with his past, I could help him now.
This is right… I told myself as I wrote, needing to keep myself going. This won’t embarrass me forever, but it will do good in Roy’s life.
Once I was done, I called the officer back in and I handed the statement to him, trying to look him in the eye as I did. “Is that everything?” I asked as he took it from me. “Or do I need to wait around for you to read it, too?”
“No, ma’am; you’re free to go. Thank you very much for your time.”