by Anna Scott
Since I was with Trent, and Luke and Aurora knew where I was, I hadn’t brought anything but my ID and debit card. My pants had a small interior pocket to hide those, but I hadn’t brought my phone.
As of last night, when I’d checked, Jake had texted twice more, asking to see me; wanting to talk to me. I didn’t respond. I’d asked for time, no I hadn’t asked, I’d told him, I needed time and I was going to take it. He knew I was safe, if he wasn’t sure, he could check with Luke, Gavin, Trent or Reed.
Finally, Trent – who never seemed to tire – took pity on me. We packed up and went to grab lunch. I was a sweaty mess, so the outdoor seating at the Mexican place was perfect. He gave me the schedule for the self-defense class, then I promised I’d see him there on Wednesday night.
He had some time on Tuesday, so we agreed to meet at the shooting range after I got off work. He wanted me to practice in my regular clothes, so I could learn when encumbered by heels, or more restrictive clothing since I didn’t wear yoga pants every day.
Trent dropped me off at Aurora’s house and watched me walk in the door before he pulled away. I had a feeling that had Luke not been home, he would have come in and checked the place before leaving me alone.
“Hey,” I heard Aurora say quietly, hesitantly from behind me.
“Hi, you okay?” I asked, looking at her more closely. She sounded strange.
“Yeah, Jake was here a little while ago.” That explained her tone. I’d guess he was none-too happy finding out that I wasn’t there.
“Okay, was that all right?” I asked, not sure if he’d lost his mind again.
“Oh, yeah, he was fine. I mean he was upset that you were gone, but he was fine with me.”
“Good,” relieved to find out he hadn’t been a jerk. Though, with Luke at home, I didn’t think he’d do that. I actually didn’t think he’d do that to her again, he’d done it once and he felt terrible for it.
“He looks really bad, honey.” She said, reaching out and squeezing my hand lightly.
“What do you mean? Is he hurt? Did something happen?” I spoke so quickly, scared that he wasn’t okay.
“No, no, I just meant that he looks tired, sad. He looked so happy when you guys were here for football, now he looks miserable.”
My lips tightened and I looked away from her, not wanting to talk about this. “What did he want?” I ask, though I’m pretty sure I know.
“He wanted to talk to you. Since you weren’t here, he and Luke talked out on the deck for a long time. I guess, Luke told him that you were at the range with Trent. He was really not happy about that. I’m so sorry.”
“Why, I mean, there isn’t anything for you to be sorry about. I’m fine, Jake will be fine too. I wasn’t on a date. I need to brush up on my skills, Trent offered to help me, and Jake needs to deal with that.” I explained to Aurora, mostly trying to convince myself that I’d be able to tell Jake the same thing and that he would actually believe me.
Walking into the bedroom, I spied the cell phone on the nightstand. It had been moved since that morning. I assumed that Jake had been in here and looked at it. There wasn’t anything for him to see, nothing I’d done wrong, so I didn’t mind. I was sticking to my guns though, I needed the space to figure out if I could have a real relationship with him. One that was healthy. I hoped that I could, but we’d have to set some serious boundaries.
The following Wednesday, I walked into the basement martial arts training room at the Y and found Trent’s class starting to come together. There was a female instructor helping him. The class was large, about twenty-five women, and as he’d said, there were all ages and fitness levels. This wasn’t about working out, this was about safety and any woman being able to defend herself.
Ten minutes into the class, Gavin came in and began to help as well. I hadn’t known that he’d be here, but it was nice to see the two men, obviously close, working together to help women feel confident and find the ability to defend themselves.
After an hour of blocks, evasive maneuvers, kicks to the punching bag and well placed punches, I was dripping with sweat. Trent, Gavin, and
Christine worked us hard.
Trent had introduced the smaller woman to the class and I’d realized that it was the McKinney officer that had interviewed me after the car chase. She looked different, her hair now in a long pony tail and she looked much thinner out of her uniform. She was a powerhouse, her movements graceful and absolutely amazing. They’d demonstrated several moves, then had circled the class helping students with their form. I already felt like I’d learned some new things. I was excited to come back on Saturday. I also made the mental note to suggest the course for the women at the shelter.
My arms were still sore from the previous night’s trip to the range. Trent had kept his promise and showed me how to get around restrictive clothes and still make the shots count. He’d spent an hour and a half with me, perfecting my stance for different situations. He was a good teacher.
After the self-defense class, I knew I’d be in real pain tomorrow, so I got back to Aurora’s house and decided to take a long soak in a hot bath.
The steps I was taking to ensure my own safety energized me, helping me to feel the control over my own life that I really needed. I still wasn’t looking forward to dinner at my parent’s house this weekend, but I felt more confident in myself and better prepared to deal with my father. He didn’t use fists, so blocks weren’t necessary, but the confidence would help me fend off his verbal blows.
After a really long day at work on Thursday, I drove back to Aurora’s house, I was glad that I didn’t have anything scheduled for the night. I’d gone in at eight and didn’t leave until after seven. Stepping into the house, I heard Luke’s raised voice from the kitchen. Not wanting to eavesdrop on his conversation, I moved toward the hall, until I heard my name.
“Hope is fine, Jesus, man. She’s trying to take control of her life.” With that, I knew who he was talking to.
“No, I don’t, fuck. No, she isn’t here.” He paused for several heartbeats, obviously listening to Jake on the other end of the line before he continued.
“I don’t know. I’m not her babysitter. She’s fine. She was just leaving work about twenty-” Jake had apparently cut him off mid-sentence. I could almost feel the tension and frustration in the air. Not wanting to hear any more, I decided that it was time I pull up my big-girl panties and call him. I wasn’t ready to see him, but it wasn’t Luke’s job to play go-between and I wouldn’t ask him to do that.
I waited in my room, changing into pajamas and getting settled in, before I pulled the phone from my purse to call Jake. I knew the men were off the phone because I’d heard Luke talking to Aurora before he left for work. His shift had recently changed and he was not working from nine at night until seven in the morning.
This had caused Aurora to shift her schedule at the store again, going in earlier and coming home early in the day to spend time with him. I thought it was sweet that they did their best to spend time together every day.
“Hope?” Jake’s whispered greeting sounded pained and I immediately felt bad for ignoring him for the past few days.
“Hi.” I didn’t know what to say to him, I wasn’t ready to make a decision, but I did know that I needed the new-found independence that Trent had helped me gain.
“How are you, baby?” He was measuring his words carefully, keeping them quiet and controlled.
“I’m actually doing pretty well. How are you?”
I heard his quick intake of air, I didn’t mean to say that I was good without him, I missed him every minute of every day, but I was, I was doing better. I was more aware of my surroundings, but I wasn’t jumping at every noise, scared to death of shadows.
“I miss you like crazy.” Those words cut me, I felt the tears swell in my eyes and start to fall.
“I miss you too,” I whispered.
“Baby, please. I need you, can I see you?”
“Not
tonight, I’m really tired, maybe this weekend.” I wasn’t sure that I would be ready by then, but I did want to see him and I’d heard the desperation in his voice, softening me toward him, if only a little.
“Hope, I can’t keep doing this. Come home, baby. Fuck, I hate that you’re not here. I’m sorry, baby, so fucking sorry. I know I lost it, but you have to know, I’d never hurt you. I’d never fucking lay a hand on you in anger.”
“Jake, there’s more to it than that, and you know it. I need to be in control of my own life. I have to feel safe and secure. I have to know what’s going on around me. How do I know how diligent I need to be; how do I know if I should be watching over my shoulder if you don’t tell me that something happened? I need to feel like your equal, not like your child.”
“I know. I know, but listen, I hated seeing you pull back into yourself, hated how you’d get so nervous when you thought I was upset. That was your defense mechanism, wasn’t it? With him, I mean, that’s what you had to do, you pulled into yourself to stay safe from him?”
“It was, I understand you wanting to shield me, I do, and I even appreciate the sentiment. The thing is, the way you get angry and let fly, spouting off whatever crap you want, not thinking about anyone around you, I grew up in a house like that. I’m not going to live with it again.”
“Your dad?” He asked, as if he already knew.
“Yes, my dad. My father, he never hit us, spanked us and stuff, sure, but he didn’t abuse us - physically. But my mom is so beaten down, has been for years. I can’t be that woman, Jake, I won’t be. I’ve worked so hard to be strong and I won’t put myself in a position to end up like her.”
“Sweetheart,” that’s all he said. It seemed to be all he could say. I heard the catch in his breath, I could sense the panic, even over the phone lines. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was afraid of who I would become if we stayed together. I feared the love I felt for him, scared that I’d do anything just to keep him, no matter how bad that would be for more in the end.
“Call me on Saturday afternoon, we can meet then. We need to talk, but I’m not sure about us right now. I can’t promise that you’ll get the outcome that you’re hoping for.”
…
Friday was spent mostly with Vanessa. She was in a panic over her husband. She tried going out again yesterday, but swore that she saw Jim everywhere.
She felt eyes on her and when she’d turn, and he’d be there. Neither of us were positive that she wasn’t suffering from a mental break, her mind conjuring visions of him. One thing was certain, she needed to get out of the area. She didn’t have family here and of course; Jim had ensured she didn’t have any close girlfriends. She was completely focused on the fear, unable to sleep, unable to eat. I was worried about her and made a note to have her meet with one of the doctors who came by regularly to look after the women and children.
After another exhausting day, I slipped through the front door, surprised when the alarm wasn’t activated. Luke was crazy about safety, much like Jake.
I’d thought about Jake so many times today, thinking about our conversation the night before, I hurt, knowing that I was hurting him. I remembered the way his voice caught when I’d told him I wasn’t sure we could stay together.
At that moment, I’d wanted to take it back, to run to him, to fall into his waiting arms and promise to never leave him again. I couldn’t do that, I had to be strong. I had to be whole, and I had to be his partner.
Moving down the hall, toward my room, I heard a loud thump coming from Aurora’s room. I stopped and listened for a moment. Their cars were here, but there was no sign of them. With the alarm deactivated, I was worried that something was wrong.
Maybe Tim had followed me here. Maybe he’d gotten in when Luke was out for a run or something. Could he be hurting her, could he be hiding here somewhere? My thoughts all jumbled, panic started to surface as I moved toward their door, preparing to help my friend, to save her from the crazy maniac.
Placing my ear against the wood, I heard another noise, a thud, and then a squeak. Listening again, I heard movement in the room and then the telltale sound of Aurora moaning Luke’s name.
That was it. I was done. I high tailed it to my room, changed into jeans and a tee, grabbed my purse, took a minute to leave a note on the table so they wouldn’t worry, and made it to my car.
Sitting there, engine running, seat belt buckled, I wondered where I should go. Deciding that another night eating bar food was the perfect plan, I headed in the direction of O’Reily’s.
Walking in, I noted the clusters of friends, regulars on their stools and guys watching the game. Tonight, knowing that I needed to think about all things Jake, I chose an isolated spot.
I wasn’t there to get drunk, not at all. I was there to think and to escape the sex noises from Aurora’s house. As I nursed my beer and picked at a huge plate of onion rings, I stared off, lost in the abyss of my mind. I considered all the things Jake had done for me. How he behaved most of the time and those few times where he lost his cool.
I didn’t know exactly how he felt for me, though I knew he cared, just simply because he showed it. We’d not discussed feelings, but in the way he touched me, the way he protected me and the sound of his voice, desperate and sad on the phone last night, I knew he felt something real and serious.
“Hope, I thought that was you.” I watched as the pretty woman slid into the seat across from me and gave me a searching look.
“Christine, I’m surprised to see you here.”
“I love the wings, great place to come eat and relax.” She explained her presence, but I noted a strange undercurrent. I didn’t know what to expect, was this just a chance meeting or was it something else?
“The food is good. It’s a great place to eat crap and get lost.” After the words left my mouth, I realized that I’d given too much away.
Christine studied me for several minutes, her food arrived and we ate silently. After a while, she spoke again. “I just wanted to say, I don’t want this to be awkward. The thing between me and Jake was short, just a couple of months. We figured out pretty quickly that we weren’t suited for each other.”
“I didn’t know you guys dated.” I replied, somewhat coldly. The woman was beautiful and confident. I was surprised to know they’d been together, but it wasn’t really my business. It wasn’t like we’d talked about our previous sexual escapades.
“Oh, well, shit. Now I feel stupid.”
“No, don’t. It’s fine.” I tried to reassure her, but my mind was reeling. When had he dated her? When had they stopped? A few months, really? He’d dated for a few months?
“I’m sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have known that he wouldn’t have told you, he’s so secretive about his personal life.” Her words were both apologetic and maybe sad at the same time. Was she still hung up on him? I wondered who had broken things off with whom.
“Can I ask, what happened? I mean, why did you stop seeing each other?” This was masochistic, I didn’t really want to know, did I?
“It’s fine,” she said, a sad smile crossing her face. “He was great in the beginning, sweet, but after a while he showed another side and it was too much for me. Look, after everything you’ve already been through, be careful. He’s so controlling, I don’t want to see you lose yourself in that.” Christine stood, squeezed my hand on top of the table, threw some money down then walked away, disappearing into the crowd of people.
…
Spending the past five hours, since Christine left, deep in my vodka rocks, I looked toward the back wall, not seeing anything. I’d been sitting here, alone, just thinking. Was she right? Was he so controlling that I’d lose myself, like my mom? Like I had with Tim?
I’d decided earlier, before she showed to give him the benefit of the doubt and see where things went. Now, I was even more confused than I’d been before. He had negatives, definitely, but the wonderful things he did outweighed those tenfold.
It wasn’t jealousy, exactly, but fear crept in, that the other of him, she talked about was more than I could handle. He was defiantly a dominant man, could be controlling if he wasn’t kept in check and could be arrogant too, but the softer, gentler side I’d seen had seemed to make it all worth it. Was I wrong?
I sat, arms on the table, hands up, holding my head, I was rooted to that high-top table at O’Reily’s. I hadn’t moved in hours. I knew it was late, I knew I was drunk. Pretty soon I’d have to call a taxi and get to Aurora’s house. I needed to sleep this thing off. I knew I’d have a hangover for self-defense class in the morning, that would definitely suck, but I’d go anyway and work my way through it.
Suddenly, a pulsing energy filled the bar. Looking around, it didn’t seem like anyone else noticed. I looked at the much smaller crowd, searching for the source, it was like an electric current. At the bar, a man stood, back to me, angled toward the front door and the stool next to him. He was alert, prepared, and I could see the rigid set of his shoulders. The way his black jeans hugged his body made me think of Jake. It couldn’t be him, though, it couldn’t be. This man was wearing a leather jacket that I’d never seen before and motorcycle boots on his feet. I didn’t know why he made me think of Jake, but there was something about him, it put me on edge and kept me rooted to my seat.
After a few minutes, the man straightened from the bar, turned his head so I could only see part of his profile and I took in a ragged breath. I could swear it was Jake. He was wearing a baseball hat low over his eyes and had several days’ scruff on his face, but it looked like Jake. I could feel him, I wondered if he’d turned just enough to see me out of his peripheral vision, I didn’t know. If it was him, did he know I was here? Why was he here? I knew enough about his job to know better than to approach him in public, so I stayed put. Within a few seconds, he strode out the front door and slipped into the night.
Shaking myself from the drunken fog, I pulled out my phone, checked for a text or notification of any kind that it had been him and that he’d seen me. With nothing there, I dialed one of the local taxi companies.