by Bo Reid
I just want to lie down, curl up inside myself, and cry until I purge all the darkness settling in my chest.
But I have to make it through the day with a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is okay. Turning to my desktop, I open my emails. The first thing I see is a reminder for an RSVP request for an upcoming fundraiser.
If I had gotten this yesterday, I would have been happy to attend. But not today. No, today I’m declining, but I will send a donation for the silent auction.
The tears fall before I can stop them, and I just put my head down on my desk and let it happen. I’ve been fighting this all morning, maybe I should have just gotten it over with earlier before getting my ass back to work.
I’m not sure how long I sit like that, with silent tears falling onto my desk.
I look up when I hear a soft knock on my office door. I quickly wipe away my tears; trying to pretend I’m fine, instead of falling apart.
“Come in,” I call, turning to my computer trying to hide behind the screen.
“Hey Hart, it's lunchtime. I thought I’d come see if you wanted to eat together?” Kasen’s deep voice calls out as he peeks his head into my office.
“Thanks Kase, but I’m swamped right now. I’m just going to work through lunch so we can get out of here on time,” I say without looking up from the computer, still trying to hide. I’m so focused on trying to look busy instead of like the mess I truly am that I don’t hear him approach me.
Resting his hand on my shoulder he gently turns my chair, forcing me to face him.
“Hartley, what’s wrong?”
I close my eyes willing my voice not to crack as I lie to his face. Wanting nothing more than for him to hold me and let me cry into his chest. I want to talk to him, for the first time I want to actually talk about it all. But I can’t. That would change everything with him, and I’m not ready for it to change yet, I’m not ready to lose him yet. I want to keep him just a little while longer.
“Nothing, just busy.”
He gets down on one knee in front of my chair, reaching his hand up to brush away more of my tears.
“Hart, what’s wrong?” he asks again in a gentle tone.
“Hormones,” I say. It's lame even I know that, and eventually that excuse isn’t going to be so valid.
“Hart I’m worried about you,” he says.
“Kasen I’m fine. Really.”
“Okay, but I’m having lunch in here, and you’re eating too. Then you’re going to put on your climbing gear and get out on that wall until you feel better. It’s not good for you to be in here all day. You don’t do well without freedom, even I know that,” he says, and I nod in agreement.
Pulling open the mini fridge in the corner of my office he grabs our prepped lunches. I watch as he walks to the closet and pulls out the mats and pillows, setting up a picnic area. He reaches a hand out and pulls me from my chair, leading me over to his indoor floor picnic. I sit down and we eat in silence. When we're done he opens his arms to me, and I lean into him. I let him hold me for the rest of his lunch break. And I try not to cry.
Kasen doesn’t ask any questions. I know he doesn’t believe my excuses but doesn’t have the heart to push me. So instead he just comforts me in whatever way he can. When his break is over, he doesn’t risk me not leaving my office on my own.
He tells me to get changed while he waits outside my door. He drags me to our indoor climbing wall and I put on my harness. He gives me a kiss on the top of my head and goes back to work while I climb the wall.
I climb to the top again, and again, and again. Taking the different paths up the wall, until my arms are shaking. But I still don’t stop, I press on, continuing to rise to the top and repel back down.
Kasen is standing at the bottom of the wall when I come down. Before I realize it I have been at this for hours; the store is closed and everyone has gone home.
“Sol went to Martha’s to pick up Brooks, he’s going to meet us at home for dinner. Do you feel better or want to keep climbing?” he asks.
I look back at the wall and sigh, I want to keep climbing but not this. I want to climb a real wall.
“I’m good for now,” I say and strip out of my harness.
“You want the real thing, don’t you?” he asks nodding to the wall.
“Yeah I do, I haven’t done a free climb in ages.” I sigh, leaning into him as we head for the exit. I want the adrenalin rush of a real climb. I want to be so focused on where my hands and feet need to go in order to get me where I need to be that I don’t have space in my brain to worry about past horrors. I want to feel my lungs burning for air because I’m halfway up a wall with nowhere to go but up, not because my brain is getting the better of me.
I just want to be free again.
Chapter 19: Pansy
Hartley
Saturday morning, I make my way out to the kitchen and find Kasen sitting at the island drinking a cup of coffee. There’s eggs and bacon on the stove with buttered toast on a plate.
“Morning,” he says as I pour a cup of coffee. “I made breakfast.” He nods to the food.
“Morning, thank you for this,” I say and hold up my plate, taking my seat at the island across from him.
“Did you make plans for today?” he asks.
I shake my head no.
Then shove more delicious food into my mouth.
“Good, Sol will be here soon. And Martha is expecting Brooks.”
I tilt my head to the side and study him.
“What did you do?” I ask.
“Planned a surprise for you. Everything you need is already packed in the Jeep. Sol said to tell you to wear workout gear,” he says and smiles.
This is highly suspect. I’m not so sure I like the idea of Kasen and Sol being all buddy-buddy planning surprises, but I agree.
“Great, I’ll get Brooks ready for the day,” he says, standing up to rinse off his plate, then goes to Brooks room right as Sol is opening the front door. He comes into the kitchen
“Oh breakfast, goodie,” he says bypassing me and going straight for the breakfast spread.
“What are we doing?” I ask him. He sits in Kasen’s empty seat.
“Not telling sis but you’ll love it.” He winks at me and I throw a piece of toast at him.
Kasen comes out with Brooks, who’s wearing his Ladies my uncle is single onesie and I laugh. Sol got him that obviously. I finish my breakfast, put my dirty dishes away, and go get changed.
I put on a pair of black Capri leggings that have skulls on them, some of the skulls are mesh and see through. It's never not a good time for black. I grab a matching black sports bra with skulls, none of which are see through. Then I throw on my Coffee & Gangsta Rap tank top, put my hair in a messy bun, and put on my running shoes.
“Hart let’s get a move on, we don’t have all damn day!” I hear Sol yelling from the living room.
“I’ve got all the time in the world!” I yell back.
And I hear him groan which makes me smile. What are little sisters for if not to bother their big brothers? I head out into the living room where the guys are waiting and whispering. I narrow my eyes at them ‘cause they stop as soon as they see me.
Very suspect.
Sol insists on driving the Jeep which is already loaded with everything we need, and I’m not allowed to peek at anything. We drop Brooks off with Martha and I instantly start peppering them with questions that they don’t answer. When Sol has had enough of me, he turns up the music and drowns me out.
Typical.
I sit in the back and cross my arms over my chest like a petulant child. The landscape passes by the window as songs spill from the speakers. When the first notes of an all too familiar song start to drift through the speakers, I instantly feel my body tense; the hair on my arms rises with goosebumps.
George Strait sings about unconditional love, laughter and making dreams come true when the lyrics of I Cross My Heart begin. I nearly vomit. The bile b
urns my throat as I cringe and squeeze my eyes shut tight. I'm just trying to make it through the three and a half minute song without a melt down.
“Hartley, are you okay?” I vaguely hear a gruff male voice asking. I can’t place it because I’m not here anymore; I’m there. I’m stuck in that room again while this song plays over the speakers, drowning out my sobs.
“Hartley…” I hear my name again, and a hand gently grips my wrist. I tear my arm out of the grip. The soft touch felt like it was burning my skin.
I snap my eyes open and see Kasen’s face pinched with concern. Tearing my gaze away from him, I look at Sol through the rearview mirror. “Turn it off,” I demand quietly.
Sol reaches forward to turn down the volume but I can still hear it echoing in my head, forcing me back to a place I don't want to be.
“Turn. It. Off.” I plead. I'm trying to stay calm, but my voice cracks and my lip quivers.
Sol turns the radio off. I can’t hear anything but the blood thundering in my head and the tires gripping the asphalt.
“Hart, are you okay?” Kasen asks again as he twists in his seat to look at me. I will myself not to come completely undone.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I barely manage to whisper before pulling my legs up to my chest. I turn to stare out the window and drop my head to rest against my knees.
No one turns the music back on, and we’re silent for the rest of the drive. I just continue to gaze out of my window until I recognize the scenery when we turn down a dirt path. Sol slows the Jeep to a crawl so we can make it over the large obstacles and washouts in the road.
“Are we doing what I think we’re doing?” I ask, and Kasen just turns around to smile at me.
When we stop at the base of a large rock wall perfect for free climbing, I don’t even wait for the doors to open. I crawl over the back seat and jump out, opening the back and pulling out the bag that they packed for me.
I go through it and find my powder and my climbing shoes. I strip off my tank top, switch my shoes, and take off towards the wall without once looking back.
Kasen
Last week after I saw Hartley climbing the indoor wall for hours never wanting to come down, I remembered her telling me during one of her visits how much she loved to rock climb. Free climbing more specifically, but that she didn’t get to do it that often because she was always caring for Brooks.
So, I talked to Sol and he agreed that this would be great for her, and he helped me plan this outing. I would love to be alone with her, but I don’t know the first thing about climbing, and I wanted to make sure she was safe. She’s my first priority-- her safety, her happiness.
I sit at the base of the rock wall and look up, to my untrained eye I don’t see any way to scale this, but Hartley is already halfway up.
“There’s a trail around back that leads to the top of the wall, that’s how we get back down. You can head up that way and wait for her,” Sol suggests.
I nod but I can’t take my eyes off of the way she effortlessly climbs this granite wall.
“She’s pretty amazing isn’t she,” he states when he sees my gaze doesn’t waver from where she’s climbing.
“Yeah, I look at this and I don’t see any way up; she looks like she can see a clear path,” I say.
“Maybe not a clear path, but Hart is a great climber. I think she’s a closet adrenaline junky,” he says laughing. “You better head up or she’s going to beat you there.”
I manage to tear my eyes away from her long enough to turn and head towards the path. When I get to the top of the wall, the view is spectacular. Not as grand as the lookout by the house but still worth a million bucks. And the climb to get here.
I hear Hartley, and I make my way to the ledge just in time to see her hauling herself over. For a minute she just sits there and stares out at the view. She’s so focused on the sight that I don’t think she realizes I’m here. I don’t want to disturb her so I just watch her.
“Thank you for this. I appreciate it,” she says, pulling me out of my thoughts about her.
I move to sit down next to her, swinging my legs over the edge and pulling her close to my side. She leans her head on my shoulder and takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting it out. When she opens her eyes again they seem clearer. Like she is at peace here.
“I wish I could have climbed that with you, but I think I should start smaller,” I say, and she nods.
I hand her a water bottle which she drinks half of just as Sol appears at the top of the trail. He sits down on her other side.
“Quite possibly better then I remember.” She sighs reaching over and holding Sol's hand.
We all sit there quietly taking in the view for a few minutes before heading back down. Sol climbs next; Hartley goes again taking another route.
Her and Sol trade off climbing for most of the morning and early afternoon, before they declare they’re done. I head back to the Jeep with Hartley’s bag and when I look over, she and Sol are talking quietly.
Hartley shakes her head at him, and he looks defeated. He gives her a hug and she hugs him back. They stay like that for a while in a sibling embrace. I feel like I shouldn’t watch; like I’m intruding on a moment between them. So I look away and make sure Hartley didn’t forget to put anything back in the bag.
When they come to the Jeep, Hartley takes the front, Sol the back, and I stay in the passenger seat. Sol looks frustrated and Hartley is quiet for the ride back to town.
I don’t ask, it’s not my business. But I wonder if their argument or talk had anything to do with Hartley crying.
That day in the office wasn’t the first time I’ve caught her, it’s just the first time I’ve said something. I see how she tries hard to hide it. She doesn’t always cry, but sometimes I catch the tears that are there that she won’t let fall.
I want to help her, but I don’t know how. I want to hold her, but I don’t think that’s my place. Whatever it is that plagues her I want to make it better; take away whatever past pain Ace had talked about before.
I would do anything for her to be happy. Although seeing Hartley happy with someone else might just be enough to break me. But she’ll always come first. There’s no doubt in my mind that I would do whatever it took to make her smile, even if it crushed my own heart to do it.
Hartley
I watch as Kasen walks towards the car, and Sol can’t help but start in on me.
“You need to do something. This isn’t healthy, you can’t keep going on like this,” Sol insists.
“I will handle myself, Sol. Leave it be.”
“No Hartley, I will not just leave it. You have been a wreck for over a year now. And I’m not saying you don’t have a good reason; you have the best reason. But I really think you need to consider talking to someone.”
I just shake my head at him. I can’t fucking talk to anyone.
“You hide your dirty laundry better than anyone else, but Hart, not well enough to keep things from me. Kasen is worried about you, you think he doesn’t know when you have been crying, or when you’re having a tough day? He knows when, but he doesn’t know why. You should at least tell him; he’s living in your damn house!”
“I don’t need to tell him, Sol. We are friends, I don’t owe him an explanation for my moods. And if he doesn’t like it, I am not keeping him stuck in the house. I’ll help him find and secure an apartment if that’s what he wants.”
“That’s not what I’m saying, and you fucking know it. Cut your shit Hart, I am your fucking brother. Don’t shut me out like this. Don’t push me away, all I want is for you to be happy.”
“I’m not shutting you out. And I’m fine.”
“Yes, you fucking are. Your arms are crossed, and your defenses are up. I’ve known you you’re whole fucking life Hartley Rae, I know when you’re shutting down. And I know when you’re not happy. And this,” he motions to me, “is you shutting the fuck down. Don’t go back to that place Hart, I can’t lose you to
that again.”
He pulls me in for a hug, squeezing me tight as I wrap my arms around his middle while resting my head on his chest. I’m silent for a few heartbeats.
“You never lost me, I’ve always been here,” I whisper against his chest.
“No Hart, I lost you before. Physically you were here, but emotionally, mentally, I didn’t have a clue where you were. You were lost to me. You’re my best friend Hartley, I couldn’t do this shit without you. So please don’t go to that place again. I know you do it to protect yourself. But when you go, you hurt everyone else.”
I hold back my tears. I know exactly what he’s talking about and he’s right so, I nod my head.
“Do what is right for you Hart, but I think you’ll be able to deal a lot better if you talked to someone. Talked to Kasen. You’re right that you don’t owe him, or anyone else, anything, but he’s a good guy. You were right about him from day one. I think he just might be the one to save you,” he whispers.
I pull back from Sols embrace shaking my head.
“I’m not some princess stuck in a tower who needs a prince to save her. I’m a fucking queen, and this queen will save her damn self.”
“Then fix your fucking crown Hartley Rae and handle your shit.”
The ride back to the house is filled with tension. We stop to get Brooks, and when we pull up to the house, Sol doesn’t stay for lunch.
I give Kasen a hug, thanking him for planning the day. We spend the rest of the afternoon lounging, and he offers to watch Brooks while I relax in a hot bath. I love the way Kasen offers to take care of Brooks, and I love how comfortable he seems to be stepping into that role. It has been mostly just Brooks and I since he was born, having someone here to watch him while I do something as simply as shower is amazing.
We might not be perfect, and we don’t always have this thing right but we are a far cry from that first day when Kasen didn't know how to take the car seat out. Brooks looks good with Kasen, it warms my heart to see them together. These moments feel a lot like everything is falling into place, like we fit just right. Even though we aren’t a we, and we never will be, I just hope Kasen stays in our lives.