by Bo Reid
Even though the hike was successful, and Hartley is eager to plan another and get the logistics worked out so we can start getting sign-ups, she was beyond exhausted when we got home last night. The last few days of the trip she wasn’t feeling very well either. So, if I can get her to sleep in a little longer I will.
Looking over at the monitor I see Brooks still asleep in his crib. I’m sure the trip exhausted him too, I’m not sure how he managed it. I feel Hartley stirring next to me, and I look over at her. I smile when she opens her eyes.
“Morning Beautiful,” I whisper and kiss her forehead.
“Morning,” she says before getting this weird look on her face before jumping over me and sprinting out of the bed.
“Hart?” I ask as she runs into the bathroom.
When I hear her throwing up, I get out of bed just as fast as she did and run into the bathroom. Sitting on the side of the bathtub I hold her hair back while she empties her stomach. I run one hand softly up and down her spine.
“It’s okay Hart, get it out.”
She groans, closing the lid and flushing. I reach my hand out to her and help her stand up before I lift her so she can sit on the counter. Grabbing a washcloth, I wet it with warm water, and clean up her face.
“You don’t have to do that, I can clean myself,” she says, and I roll my eyes.
“I’m going to take care of my girl, whether she’s going to be stubborn about it or not,” I tell her planting a small kiss on the end of her nose.
Then I fill a cup with cool water and hand it to her, she swishes some around her mouth before spitting it out then drinks the rest. When she sets it down, she puts a hand on her stomach and groans again. I wrap her in a soft hug and let her lean her forehead on my shoulder.
“You’re resting today, there’s nothing at the store that can’t wait,” I tell her and feel her nodding in agreement.
I pick her up off the sink and carry her back to bed. When I get her tucked in, I see Brooks starting to stir on the monitor. Hartley looks over at the monitor.
“I’ll get him for you. Just rest,” I tell her and kiss her forehead.
When I get to the nursery, I open the door and softly call out to my boy. My son. Mine.
“Morning little man, hungry?” I ask as I lift him from his crib. I set him on the changing table, “Mama doesn’t feel good today, so you gotta be extra good, deal? We’re going to let her rest. It’s going to be you and me for most of the day okay?” I tell him.
He laughs and kicks his feet. I lift him up, and we walk down the hall back to Hartley. She’s still awake but laying right where I left her, looking more miserable right now then she did last night after a week long hike.
Lifting the blanket up I hand Brooks over to her. When he latches onto her breast, she lets out a slight hiss and grimaces like she’s in pain.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her.
She looks at me, a small frown showing on her lips,
“Nothing, my nipples just hurt,” she says, and I cock my head to the side and look at her.
“Uhh is that not normal?” I ask and she shrugs her shoulder.
“I mean it hurt when he was born and started nursing but that went away after the first two weeks, it doesn’t usually hurt now.” I don’t know what to say, I have no way to help her.
“I’m fine Kase, I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“Okay, you sure?” I ask and she nods. “I’ll make you some tea and toast,” I tell her and lean down to gently kiss her forehead. She groans ‘cause she knows she isn’t getting coffee today.
A sick and non-caffeinated Hartley is going to be interesting to deal with.
I walk into the kitchen and get to work on making Hartley a light breakfast that she can hopefully keep down. Maybe she picked up a cold or virus on the hike. Definitely possible, I should have Sol contact the others and see if any of them are also feeling sick this morning.
KASEN: Hey man Hart isn’t feeling well this morning so we’re not going to come in today.
SOL: What does she have?
KASEN: Not sure, seems like a stomach bug or something.
SOL: Or something?
KASEN: Yeah man I don’t know.
Hartley
I feel like I got hit by a truck, and the thought of food is making me want to throw up. But at the same time, I also probably wouldn’t say no to tortilla chips dipped in chocolate frosting. That shit sounds delicious right now.
After the most painful nursing session ever, I get up and walk into the living room, laying Brooks on a blanket in the middle of the floor. I make my way to the kitchen. Kasen is making tea and toast for me. He’s also making eggs and bacon, I’m guessing not for me.
I can’t help but scowl at his back. Just seeing him is making me angry, but I don’t know why. I feel like I’m mad at him, like I kind of want to punch him in his stupid pretty face. But I can’t remember him doing anything to piss me off.
I walk over to the pantry and start digging around for chips and frosting, I don’t give a fuck if it's six thirty in the morning.
“Are you feeling better My Hart?” Kasen asks from behind me, and I just turn my head and scowl at him, then go back to rummaging through the pantry like a hungry bear.
“My Hart?” he asks softly.
“What?” I snap, and he raises his eyebrows, taking a small step back. He puts his hands up like he’s surrendering.
“Did I do something to upset you?” he asks softly.
When I look at his face I see hurt, concern, and worry splash across his features, and I want to cry. I stand up and look at him, he must see that I’m on the verge of tears because he tentatively steps towards me and wraps me in a hug. When I let out a painful hiss at the contact of my sore nipples, he loosens his grip.
“My Hart are you okay?” he whispers, and I can’t help the tears that fall.
He picks me up and takes me into the living room to sit on the couch with me in his lap, my face is pressed to his shirt and I’m soaking it with my tears. Why am I fucking crying? Maybe it’s my period.
Yeah, that has to be it, I get all kinds of crazy during my period. Especially after Brooks. Wait, when was my last period?
I whip my head up and almost crack Kasen in the jaw.
“Sorry!” I blurt out while I scramble off his lap and run into the kitchen where the calendar hangs on the wall.
“Hartley! What is going on?” Kasen asks as he comes into the kitchen. I just stare at the calendar unable to move.
My period is a week late.
I’m exhausted. My stomach feels like it's full of acid. And my nipples hurt.
I’m moody as fuck. And grumpy with Kasen for no reason.
I want chips dipped in fucking chocolate.
I think I’m pregnant.
Oh god.
I look over at Kasen and there is nothing but concern written on his face, he’s worried about me. What if I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t want me, doesn’t want us? What if he leaves? What if I lose him?
“My Hart are you okay?” he asks, gently taking my hands in his.
“I’m fine,” I say, reaching up to wipe away a stray tear burning its way down my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as he kisses my forehead.
“There is no need to be sorry My Hart.”
My own heart constricts in my chest like someone is squeezing it, I can’t lose him. He leads me over to the couch and I sit down. He wraps me in a blanket and goes to the kitchen to grab my tea and toast. Turning on cartoons for Brooks, he sits with me. Resting his large hand on my thigh, he rubs small comforting circles into my skin as I stare straight ahead at the TV, but not actually seeing anything.
I set my cup and plate down and stand, Kasen looks up at me with concern. “I’m just going to call my doctor, see if she can come out for a house call. I don’t want you or Brooks to get whatever bug I have,” I lie and don’t wait for his response before I go into my room.
HART
LEY: Can you make a house call?
DR. BAKER: I have a clear schedule I can be out in 30 minutes. What’s the issue?
HARTLEY: I might be pregnant.
DR. BAKER: I’ll bring a test.
I set my phone down and lay in my bed, willing myself not to think about losing Kasen. But I would let him go if he asked me to choose. I would always choose a baby first, but the thought of losing Kasen tears a hole in my chest.
Looking at a child every day that was half his but not being able to have him too, that would be a greater torture then seeing Brooks, a child born from a tragedy.
I wrap myself up in my comforter, in my bed that smells like the most delicious combination of Kasen and me, and I let silent tears spill down my cheeks and soak my pillow. My body shakes as waves of silent sobs break from my chest.
Barely thirty minutes later I hear voices down the hall. Kasen’s deep rumble and Doctor Bakers soothing melody. Footsteps sound as they make their way towards the back bedrooms. There’s a soft knock on the bedroom door before Kasen’s deep voice rings out.
“My Hart? The doctors here.”
“She can come in,” I say back, my voice flat and emotionless even to my own ears.
I hear Doctor Baker telling Kasen she has everything under control and that he can go back to watching Brooks. I’m thankful for her gentle nature and also realizing I might not want him here. She’s perceptive, it's just one of the things that makes her so good at her job.
She comes over and sits on the edge of my bed as I stare blankly at the wall in front of me.
“How would you feel if you were?” she asks quietly.
The same thing she asked me when I called her to test me when I was pregnant with Brooks. That seems like a lifetime ago. But my answer will be the same.
“Babies are a blessing no matter the circumstances that bring them to you. If I am, I’m keeping it,” I tell her.
“Would that gentleman be the father?” she asks.
She’s one of the only people that know the details of how Brooks came to be a part of this world. The real details, the truth. All of it.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Is he a good man? He seems wonderful, he’s doing a great job out there with Brooks,” she says. “Cares for him like he was his own. Does he know that story?” I look at her, finally removing my gaze from the wall.
“He’s one of the best men I have ever met, he would be a wonderful father. And yes, he knows everything.”
“Then tell me, child, why are you sad? Why are you in here instead of out there? Why does he think you have a cold or something?” she asks as I sigh deeply.
“Because we have only been together for a few weeks, it's complicated. We met a few months ago, and he’s been living here for a while. But we only just got together. What if he thinks it’s too soon, I couldn’t even blame him. What if he doesn’t want his own kid? Yeah, he’s great with Brooks but what if he doesn’t want to be tied to me forever?”
I stop to take a deep breath, willing my bottom lip to stop quivering and the tears not to fall. “What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?” I whisper.
Doctor Baker wraps me in a hug and gently rubs circles down my back. A soothing, motherly gesture, one I’ve never received from my own mother.
“Child, let's save the what ifs and just focus on this. Let’s take the test, you might not be, you know. You might be fretting for nothing,” she encourages gently, but I see the lie in her eyes. She doesn’t even believe her own words.
She pulls out a test from her medical bag, and I go into the bathroom to pee on a stick for the second time in my life. Only this time I’m terrified of the answer. How can I be scared of the reality of a child born from love, when I was never worried about it while facing the reality of a child born from a tragedy?
Two vibrant pink lines.
Just like before.
Yet different in almost every way.
Eventually, I’m going to need to leave this room, but I can't seem to pull myself out of bed. I have this overwhelming sense of terror that as soon as I tell Kasen I’m pregnant he won’t want me anymore. That he’ll leave or make me choose. He deserves to know, of course he does, but I just can't find the words to tell him. Or the will to get out of bed.
I feel guilty for staying in here, I should be taking care of Brooks. He is my job, my number one priority. But something about knowing he is safe with Kasen makes me feel like I can hide for a little longer.
The soft knock pulls me out of my own mental Hell, the one where I lose everything.
“Hart?” Kasen calls, and I blink back tears before they can fall.
“Yeah?” I manage to croak out.
“Hey, I brought you something to eat,” he says walking over to me and setting a plate of crackers and a small bowl of soup on the side table. “The doctor said only light stuff,” he says, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Thank you,” I say, my voice cracking like glass breaking.
“Are you feeling any better?” he asks, running the back of his hand over my forehead.
“Not really.” It’s the truth, I feel like shit, but not just my stomach. It's my heart that feels the worst. My head is screwy, convincing my heart and soul that I'm going to lose the only person other than Brooks that I care about.
Kasen.
He’s worried about me that much is clear, but would he be this worried if he knew the truth? Would he even want a baby? We never talked about that. And how we met was never a fairytale, not one of those love at first sight story, we’ve never even managed to talk about a future together. Is that something he would even want, or am I just convenient?
Nothing is easier to get access to then the girl across the hall.
I shake my head, trying to clear my mind of all the thoughts plaguing me, of all the awful scenarios running through my head on a loop.
Kasen being disappointed, upset, angry.
Kasen walking out.
Kasen leaving.
“Maybe we should call the doctor, she might be able to give you something,” Kasen suggests, resting his hand over mine.
“I’ll be fine, just need a few more days,” I say, forcing a small smile before rolling over and giving Kasen my back.
He runs his hand up and down my spine trying to soothe me, but all it does is make the tears well up in my eyes.
After a beat of silence, he stands up. “Rest, Hart, just yell if you need me,” he whispers, and I pinch my eyes closed, willing the tears not to fall.
When I finally hear the small click of my bedroom door closing, I give up, losing the battle between the tears threatening to spill. I allow them to slip from my eyes and stain my pillowcase, just like every other night since I found out.
They fall down my cheeks like razors slicing into my skin. Ripping me apart from the outside, draining me of anything positive I may manage to muster up. Nothing will ever be the same after this, nothing.
Kasen
My girl isn’t herself and I can't help the pinching in my gut that tells me it's not because she’s sick. Everything about her is off, even in the past anytime she hasn’t felt good at any point she has still been herself. She's been cheerful, she’s tried. But now trying doesn’t even seem to be on her radar.
I close her bedroom door and rest my head against it. The faintest sound of crying comes from inside, everything in me tells me to go in there and demand what is really going on. I want to help her; I want her to just let me hold her. I don’t mind the tears; they’ve never bothered me. What bothers me is not knowing the reason behind them.
It doesn’t matter if it's just a bad day, just a bad moment, her remembering events from the past. It makes sense to be upset about that, and it doesn’t make me feel bad. I don’t think she gets upset because she isn’t happy with me. It’s just that she went through something traumatic and that kind of thing sticks with a person. I just wish she trusted me enough to know that I won’t ever think differentl
y of her if she’s upset.
Brooks crawls his way down the hallway, and it's enough to pull me out of my thoughts. Turning to him I walk down the hall, scooping him up on my way back to the living room.
“Hey Little Dude, how about some lunch?” I ask him and he laughs.
If I didn’t have him to take care of right now, to give me a piece of light back into my life, then I think I might be worse off than Hartley. Not being able to see her, hold her, kiss her, fall asleep with her wrapped in my arms, it hurts. I think more than she realizes it does.
She’s become everything to me, a piece of my soul and my whole heart. She is the only thing in this world that I want, her and Brooks. As long as I have them, I’ll never need anything else. A beep sounds from my phone and I look to see that Sol is texting, asking for an update.
SOL: Hey man how’s our girl doing?
KASEN: Still doesn’t feel good, in bed.
SOL: Has she gotten up at all?
KASEN: No.
SOL: Okay, let me know when she does, will you?
KASEN: Of course.
Setting my phone down, I put Brooks in his highchair in the kitchen and grab a jar of applesauce, and a bottle of milk. He greedily sucks down the milk and cleans his bowl of applesauce.
“Mama,” he says and points towards the hallway. “Mama, Mama.”
“I know Little Dude; I miss her too. But Mama doesn’t feel good, okay?”
“Mama.” I sigh, I miss his mom just as much as he does. “Dada.” He points to me and I can't hold back my smile.
“Yeah, buddy I’m here,” I say, grabbing the wet rag and cleaning him up. I take him out of his straps and tear the highchair apart, rinsing it off before grabbing him and hoisting him into my arms.
We walk into the living room and sit down on the couch with him snuggled in my lap. I turn on the TV and manage to find Scooby-Doo reruns, his favorite. As he watches the Great Dane, Scooby, run scared across the screen he laughs. And I can't help but smile, pulling him closer to me while he claps his hands.