by A. T Brennan
If he’d told me he wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be telling them about us it would sting and I’d feel like he’d punched me in the balls a few times, but I’d either deal with it or decide I wasn’t willing to be a secret.
By constantly telling me he’d ‘get around’ to telling them it felt as though he was lying to try and spare my feelings, and I hated being lied to.
“You okay?” Adam asked, slinging his practice bag over his shoulder as he glanced at me.
“Fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” He paused.
“I’m fine.” I shook my head and forced a smile. “I just really need this weekend.”
“Yeah, a four day break from life.” He grinned. “Even coach doesn’t fuck with Thanksgiving.”
“Are you going home?”
We hadn’t talked about our plans, it seemed a good a time as any.
“Nah. My parents are going to visit my grandparents, and I really don’t want to spend my break in a retirement community in the middle of Florida.”
“Yeah, that would suck.” I grinned. “You want to come home with me?”
“Um...”
My heart fell as he looked at the floor.
“You don’t want to come with me to my parents? My brothers and the girls will be there. Mom would be happy to have you. She’s all about overfeeding her guests so you’d have to bring your fat pants—” I cut myself off as he shuffled his feet and bit his lip. “What? You don’t have practice.”
“I’m going to Kevin’s for Thanksgiving.”
“What?”
“I go every year. He’s from Tacoma and his parents are expecting me...”
“So you’re going to spend Thanksgiving with your friend instead of going home with your boyfriend?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“It’s not?” I sat up and tried to keep the anger out of my voice. “You’re so desperate to keep me a secret from Kevin and the rest of your team you’re going to spend the holiday with him so you don’t have to admit you’re with me?”
“Logan—”
“Whatever. Do whatever you want.”
“Logan—”
“It’s fine. It’s how it has to be.” I snapped my textbook shut and picked up my phone. “Go, you’re going to be late for practice.”
I unlocked my phone and flipped through my texts, purposefully ignoring Adam as he stood there in silence.
After a moment I heard him turn and then the door was opening and he was gone.
“Fuck.” I scrolled through my contacts and pulled up Avery’s number.
Logan: feel like having a houseguest until we leave on Thursday?
Avery: of course. You coming over now?
Logan: as soon as I can pack my shit
Avery: door will be unlocked
Logan: thanks babes
I shoved my phone in my pocket and went to my room to pack. It didn’t take long, but as I walked past Adam’s door my heart dropped.
Leaving like this was cowardly and a little immature, but I needed time away from him to figure shit out. I loved Adam and I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t just sit back and be passive anymore. I’d already let one guy make me feel like shit so he could keep me a secret, I wasn’t about to let Adam do the same.
* * * * *
“You’re the best.” I sighed and sank down on my old bed so I could pull Avery into a big hug.
When I’d gotten to the apartment I’d expected to see Avery on the couch, but when I didn’t see her I’d called out to her. Avery had yelled that she was in my old room, and I’d been more than a little curious as I’d made my way over to the door.
She was sitting on my bed with her computer in front of her, along with a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bottle of zinfandel.
I wasn’t usually a wine drinker, but zinfandel was my drink of choice when I was wallowing, and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream was my guilty pleasure.
“Put your comfy pants on and climb in. It’s bestie slumber party time.”
“What about Matty?” I asked as I pulled a pair of sweats out of my bag and started to change.
“He’s working on a group project and then crashing with Jax for the night. I wanted you to have my undivided attention.”
“Thanks.” I crawled under the covers and sighed as Avery handed me a spoon and put the container of ice cream between us. “As much as I love Matt, I need some bestie time right now.”
She dug her spoon into the ice cream and looked up at me. “What happened?”
“Adam’s going to his friend’s house for Thanksgiving.”
“Ouch.” She leaned against me and I snuggled closer to her. “I’m sorry.”
“I never asked him, but I assumed he’d want to come with us if he wasn’t going home. Then I find out he’s going to Kevin’s house and doesn’t want to change his plans because he’d have to tell him why he wasn’t going with him.”
“He still hasn’t told his friends?”
“No.” I dug a big chunk of cookie dough out of the carton and shoved it in my mouth. “And I’m beginning to think he’s not going to.”
“So where does that leave you?”
“Hiding in the fucking closet. One place I swore I’d never be.”
“I’m sorry, Logan.”
“When you and Matt were being all secretive, did it make you feel like you weren’t enough?” I asked, taking another bite of ice cream.
“Sort of. It was more that I hated lying, especially to you.”
“I hate that he’s lying to me. Every time he tells me he’s going to tell them, he’s lying.”
“It seems like he is.”
“What about with Matt? How long did you put up with the lies?”
“Matt never really lied to me. He said he was going to tell you and I believed he would have. All it took for him to tell you the truth was me asking him to. I laid out how it made me feel and he told you, literally seconds later because you came home early.” She grinned and dug a spoonful of ice cream out of the container.
“I’ve never really spelled everything out to him.” I sighed. “I just keep asking.”
“I don’t know what he’s thinking, and maybe he really is a giant ass and he’s not going to admit the truth, but maybe he doesn’t realize how much he’s hurting you.”
“Maybe...Shit, do you have to work tonight? It’s Saturday—”
“I switched shifts with Lucy. Tonight, I’m all yours.”
“You really are the best.”
“I know.” She grinned and waited for me to finish scooping out some of the ice cream. “So what are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. I’m just really hurt.”
“I imagine.” She nodded sympathetically. “Okay, enough boyfriend talk. It’s time to watch Supernatural, drool over Sam and Dean, and finish off our three best friends.”
“Three?” I glanced at her.
“Ice cream, and the twins.” She grinned and nodded to the bottle of zinfandel, and then another bottle I hadn’t noticed that was tucked up beside the bed.
“Best. Threesome. Ever.”
Avery laughed and leaned forward to start the show on her computer.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about Adam, but maybe I could get drunk enough that I wouldn’t remember just how much it hurt to be away from him.
ADAM
I was a little surprised to come home to an empty apartment, but it was Saturday night so it wasn’t inconceivable that Logan would have gone out with his friends.
I checked my phone to make sure he hadn’t sent me a message, then I tossed my practice bag in my room and fired up my PS4.
Today had sucked. I’d been off in practice and coach had noticed. It was like I couldn’t get control of my arm, and most of my pitches had been slightly off. It’s not like I’d been throwing wild pitches for hours, but considering I needed to prove myself, I’d failed.
; Then we’d all showered and headed to the student bar closest to the field, where everyone had immediately started drinking and getting loud. I’d stuck around for an hour before bailing.
That shit didn’t interest me anymore. I used to love hanging with the guys and acting like a drunken idiot. Even when I’d been with Hannah, or any other girl, I’d still wanted that time away. Now that I was with Logan, I wasn’t feeling it.
I’d rather be at home with him, chirping and getting my ass beat during one of our epic Call of Duty games, or cuddling on the couch as we watched one of our shows. Hell, I’d rather watch him wash dishes or read over one of my essays than sit in the bar with my teammates.
After playing for an hour I picked up my phone and texted him, asking when he thought he might come home.
I didn’t get an answer for almost forty minutes, and my blood went cold when I read his text.
After the holidays.
What the fuck? Without thinking I pressed call and waited for Logan to pick up.
“Yeah?” His voice was strained and quiet.
“Where are you?”
“With Avery.”
“What did you mean you’re not coming home until after Thanksgiving?”
I was trying to keep my voice quiet and calm, but I was a step away from panicking.
“I just need some time to think, okay?”
“Logan—”
“Adam. Baby.” I heard his voice crack and bit my lip to let him talk. “I just need some time to think about things.”
“What things? What’s wrong?”
“Adam—”
“Please, babe. Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.” I was begging. I could hear the desperation in my voice and by Logan’s sigh, he heard it too.
“I don’t think I can handle being a secret anymore.”
It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on me.
I wasn’t stupid or as dense as I was pretending to be. I knew lying to my friends and being away with my teammates so much was hard on Logan, but I’d refused to see just how hard. I was treating him like something I was ashamed of, and every time I refused to be honest about us, I was telling him he wasn’t enough. I was choosing my pride and fear over the man I loved.
I was a complete and total asshole.
“Logan—”
“Babe, please. Just give me a few days to think. I’m not saying it’s over...I’m just saying I need time.”
“Okay.” I hated that things would be left like this, but at least he wasn’t breaking up with me. I could still fix this.
“I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
As I hung up the phone I felt a wave of loneliness and pain wash over me. I’d known I was hurting him, but I’d been ignoring just how much. Even after he’d told me the story of his friend’s brother. While he’d assured me he didn’t see what I was doing as the same thing, I’d ignored what my denial was doing to him.
I’d done this. Now I had to fix it.
* * * * *
“Thanks for meeting me.” I slid into the booth at The Co-Op and gratefully took the coffee Katie offered me.
“Of course. What’s going on?”
“I fucked up.”
“Tell me about it.” She sipped her coffee and waited for me to start.
“I still haven’t told the team about Logan. He asked me about going to his parents for Thanksgiving and I told him I was going to Kevin’s.”
“I imagine he didn’t take that very well. I wouldn’t have.”
“No. He left. He went to stay with his brother and best friend.” I sighed heavily and took a long drink of my coffee.
“So what are you going to do? You love him, that much is obvious. But are you willing to come out to your team? Can you put him before baseball?”
“Yes.”
The word slipped out so easily I didn’t even have to think about it. Logan was worth more than baseball, my friends and pretty much everything else. He was worth everything.
“Then I guess it’s time to plan a coming out.” She grinned. “You thinking big and splashy or quiet and subdued?”
“As much fun as big and splashy might sound, I’m going for quiet and subdued.”
“You’re no fun,” she teased. “So what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to talk to my coaches. Then I’ll tell the team at tomorrow’s practice. Hopefully I can get Avery to help me out with the last part.”
“What’s that?”
“Getting him close enough to me I can show him just how much I love him.”
Katie smiled and nodded knowingly. “You’ve planned this whole thing out.”
“I have.” I nodded. “Now I just need someone to kick my ass and make sure I go through with it.”
“When’s your meeting?”
“Before practice on Monday.”
“Well, I’m great at kicking ass and I’ll drag you there myself if I have to.”
“Thank you, Katie.”
“Of course. We might have started this friendship in a weird way, but I want you to be happy, and Logan makes you happy.”
“He does.”
“Then I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure he hears that. Now, let’s finish our coffee and then do something fun. There’s no point sitting around driving yourself nuts until you have your meeting.”
I grinned as I picked up my drink. Katie was right. We may have started out in a weird place, but I was really glad to have her in my life. I wasn’t really sure what having a best friend was like, but it felt like Katie was slipping into that role, and it was awesome.
* * * * *
Talking to the coaches wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I’d asked if I could come to the team office half an hour before practice, and all three coaches had been there. I’d told them I was grateful for any opportunity they gave me, but I had a sensitive matter to discuss.
Admitting that I was in a relationship with a guy was actually pretty fucking easy, and the coaches had been great about it. They’d assured me that they fully believed in inclusion and equality, and my personal relationships would have no bearing on their decisions about me on the field.
The only problem was the team. They’d decided it would be best for me to make an announcement before practice and let everyone know at once. The idea was a little terrifying, but I’d agreed.
Now I was changed and waiting nervously for Coach to come into the locker room, and get the impromptu meeting started. No one else knew what the meeting was about, just that we needed to stick around before heading onto the field.
“Everyone shut your pie holes and listen up.” Coach came into the room in typical fashion. “Adam has something he wants to talk to you about and you’re all going to listen.”
Well fuck me. Coach certainly didn’t beat around the bush. I’d kind of hoped he’d ease me into it and not throw me to the wolves.
“Um, yeah. So...” I looked around and saw everyone staring at me. “I’ve got a bit of an announcement for you guys.” I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. I could do this. I had to do this. For Logan. For us. “I’m in a relationship, with my boyfriend.”
You could have heard a pin drop in the silent change room as everyone stared at me. And then it seemed that everyone started talking at once.
There were a lot of exclamations, a few grumbles of disbelief, and a bunch of questions being thrown at me, but the words that stood out above all others came from Big Mike, my catcher.
“You’re a fucking fag?”
The entire locker room went silent, but before coach could say anything I turned to Mike.
“I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. Right now I’m with a man.”
“If you take a dick in the ass then you’re fucking gay—”
“That’s enough, Anderson. You can come and talk to me before you hit the field.” Coach cut in and I was extremely grateful because all I wanted to do was punch
Mike in his disgusted face.
“I’m not playing with a fag—”
“Anderson. My office. Now!” Coach barked and then looked at the rest of the team. “Anyone else have a problem?”
When no one answered he looked at Mike and jerked his head toward the door.
“Is it Logan?” Kevin asked as he looked at me. There was something in his expression I couldn’t quite figure out, but at least he wasn’t pissed or disgusted.
“Yeah. It’s Logan.”
“How long?”
“Since the start of school.”
“And you didn’t tell me because you thought I’d be like Big Mike?”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how you’d take it.”
Kevin grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the rest of the guys. “Dude, seriously?”
“What?”
“I don’t give a fuck who you’re with.”
“What? But you were pushing me to get with Katie—”
“Because I wanted you to be happy after what Hannah did to you. I thought you were into chicks so I pushed a chick at you.” He rolled his eyes. “If I’d known you were interested in Logan then I would have pushed you toward him.”
“You seriously don’t care?”
“Why would I?” He looked genuinely confused. “Dude, you’re not my first non-straight friend. Not even the first bi ballplayer I’ve played with.”
“For real? Wow. Now I feel like an even bigger douche nozzle.”
“Look. I get why you didn’t tell me. And while I don’t give a fuck, there are guys here who will, and not just Mike.”
“I know. That’s another reason why I kept it hidden.”
“We’ll deal with them later. I’ve got your back, and I’m not the only one.”
As I looked out at my teammates I saw Kevin was right. There were a lot of guys giving me encouraging smiles, and surprisingly they outnumbered the looks of horror and disgust that dotted the crowd.
“I’m such an asshole. I made this into a whole big thing when it didn’t have to be.”
“You fucked up, whatever. It happens. Now how about you get your head out of your ass and we have a better practice than Saturday? Coach will never put you back on the roster if you can’t get your curveball to actually curve.”