by Lucia Franco
"Come here," he demanded, and I ignored him. A string of Russian flew past his lips as I wrapped my hand around the doorknob.
More tears filled my eyes and I fought to keep them back. I was so sick of being this heartbroken girl fighting for someone who would give up on me so easily. I had allowed my view to be clouded by the illusion Kova had painted for me.
I pulled the door open a fraction and Kova slammed it shut then spun me around. He pressed his back to the door, blocking my escape. A gasp lodged in my throat. I was unprepared for the passion in his touch or the heat of his breath on my cheek.
He blinked and something adjusted in his gaze. "You are angry with me because I said we need time for everything to settle down, but you were planning to move to another state? Do you see the hypocrisy here?"
My jaw dropped. "Excuse me for assuming we would continue to be together regardless of which school I went to. We could drive or fly to each other, talk all the time, even spend time together on holidays or weekends. There's no one stopping us. It's really not that hard if you want it bad enough." I paused and shook my head. "But you don't want that and there's no reason for me to stay now."
Kova gnashed his teeth together as fire ignited in his eyes.
Finally, he displayed an emotion I could understand and handle from him.
I breathed it in and found the strength I needed. He stepped forward and pressed his body to mine, his fingers gripping my bicep. Kova was breathing as hard as I was, but it was the way he was staring at me that reduced me to a brokenhearted mess. He looked so powerless. I didn't not want him in my life, but I refused to be put aside until the time was right.
"I never said I did not want to be with you. Do not put words in my mouth, Malysh." He said the words slowly and they set me on edge. "How can we be together with your father watching over every little thing we do? Please use your head for a minute and think about this. Our livelihoods are at stake."
I didn't say anything. My dad would never, ever accept us. But we could make it work if we wanted to, I was sure of it. How long would I be waiting for Kova? Until he felt like it was okay for us? The thought of watching time pass like that was asphyxiating on so many levels. I didn't want to lose him, but I had to put myself and my health first.
I lowered my eyes and grew insanely angry that this was where we were in our relationship after everything we'd been through together. "I'm sick of you," I spat, pushing at Kova's chest. He grabbed my good elbow and I fell into him. "What a regret it was to come here."
"I am right," he said, his voice filled with arrogance. "You know I am right, and you hate it. You think I want to be away from you? You think I want to even consider the idea? Never, but I am doing what I can to help you, to help us."
I needed to get out of here. I tried to shove away from him, only I didn't have the strength to, so he stayed right where he was. My chest rose and fell with rapid breaths.
"No, not this time. This time is different," I said. "You're a coward. If you weren't, you would do whatever it took to be with me."
Kova drew in a long breath. His eyes flared wide. Tension brewed between us. Men didn't like to be called a coward. It was probably one of the most insulting things to say, and I'd said it. I could feel his temper rising with each breath he took. He released my arm and I stepped back. The back of my legs hit the bed. I drew in a breath and tried to not let him affect me.
"What's the next excuse once the smoke clears? There's always going to be something working against us, Kova." I was disgusted with him and myself. "By the time you're ready for me, I won't be here."
"You are not in the position I am," he said through clenched teeth. "You have not a clue."
That set me off. I too was risking a lot to be with him.
"I don't have to be in your position to know it wouldn’t matter to me!" I screamed. "I'd do whatever it takes. I have been doing whatever it takes. You told me you were divorcing Katja to be with me. Here I was thinking we were still okay because what we have is so strong, but really you're over here ready to let it go because you got scared." I was winded, on the edge of exploding. I wanted to punch something, and I wasn't the violent type. Kova brought out that side of me.
"You're not that weak," I continued. "You're the strongest man I know. You're just scared. You know what? So am I. I have a hell of a lot more to be scared of than you and I'm still fighting for us." This rage building inside of me needed to be let loose. "Tell me." I stepped forward and pushed at his chest. My eyes lowered to slits. "Tell me what it was that changed your mind. At least give that to me. I know there's more, because there's always more when it comes to you, Kova!" I yelled in his face, trying to rid myself of all the hurt he continued to cause me.
Kova shoved me onto the bed. I tumbled to the side and he reached for me. He grabbed my ankle and yanked me down the bed until my legs we're hanging off. I quickly sat up as he leaned over me. I breathed into his face, panting from the unexpected action.
"I cannot stand the thought of hurting you anymore!" he shouted, his eyes wide and bright.
A vein strained along the column of his neck leading down under his shirt. Finally, Kova let go.
"I will never forget seeing you on the floor that day, the blood everywhere as your fucking eyes closed shut. I thought I lost you, and I vowed to myself that I would never hurt you like that again."
He shook his head like he was reliving the moment. He looked terrified. Kova stepped away and paced the floor, but he kept his gaze on me. His aggression ate up the space between us.
"Your life means too much to me for that. I sat in jail, overanalyzing everything, realizing how much negativity I brought to your world. I decided it was best to put distance between us, except when I saw you again, I knew there was no way. Just like right now, I cannot handle the thought of not being with you everywhere you go."
I blinked and he was inches from me. Kova lowered his face and dragged the tip of his nose over my cheek until his lips hovered above mine. I found myself leaning into him, hoping he'd kiss me.
"I would give everything up for you because you are mine and I am yours and that is all that matters. We will always be each other's. No one can change that."
I leaned in closer and Kova sucked in a breath. He stepped back but I reached out swiftly and clenched the center of his shirt. I yanked him toward me and we fell back onto the bed with my legs tangled with his. I held my breath praying he wouldn't move.
He cupped my cheek and my jaw in his palms. There was a sudden tenderness in his touch. Kova looked at me. "I hate that I hurt you, and I hate that you miscarried our child. It sickens me. I hate that your father will always be between us. He will not accept us, and you cannot decide between the two of us either. A good man would have never put you in this position. I try to do the right thing, but all it ever does is backfire. You get angry and try to inflict pain on me. I bite back because I like when you push me and fight me. But this is too much for one couple."
Beads of sweat pebbled his forehead. Kova was breathing heavily, and I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I leaned up on one elbow and Kova stayed where he was on me. I took pleasure in the weight of his body on mine.
"I am better off alone." Kova lowered his voice; his distraught eyes searched mine. "And so are you. But that can never be now, can it?"
My lips parted as his words slammed into me. I let out a small whimper then flattened my lips between my teeth.
Kova stood up and reached for me, but I moved out of the way and got off the bed myself.
"Ria—"
"I'm leaving." I walked around him, but Kova was quick.
He grabbed me, his fingers pressing into my skin. I wrestled him and felt this burst of angry energy explode through me. Kova was so much stronger than I was, and I took satisfaction in the knowledge I could use as much strength as I wanted and I wouldn't hurt him. Not unless I had a knife, which I didn't.
Kova grabbed my wrists and tried to pin them behind m
y back. When that failed, he spun me around so my back was pressed to his chest and he had both of my arms crisscrossed in front of me. I tried to squirm away, but he held me secured. I wished I didn't like how he held me to him.
"Let go of me."
Kova ignored me. I was no match for his strength, but still, I tried.
"Let go, Kova."
A grunt escaped my throat as the frustration mounted inside of me.
"If you don’t want to be with me now, you can't have any of me later." My heart broke saying those words. "Let. Go."
Kova held me tighter. I found it therapeutic trying to fight him. It released something inside of me. My head fell back against his chest and I let out a little whimper. His face dipped down and his nose brushed my neck. His warm body enveloped me, and I stupidly relished in it. Tears filled my eyes and my body relaxed enough so Kova could let go of my wrists and bring his arms up to hug me. He embraced me with warmth and love.
"Kova."
He pressed a soft kiss under my jaw. "I love you, Adrianna."
I broke down, unable to handle a second more. "I know we're no good for each other," I whispered, admitting the truth. I leaned back into him as a tear slipped down my temple. "I know we'll never be good for each other, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you."
I felt Kova shake his head. His lips brushed tenderly over my skin.
"I cannot let you go, just like you cannot let me go," he said.
The truth was like gravel on my raw heart.
Forty-One
"Why is this happening to us?"
Kova lowered his hips to the bed and took me with him. He turned me sideways to face him. I sat on his lap with my knees pressed together and my legs hanging over his. He kissed my temple and hugged me close. I missed the feel of his arms and nestled closer. I fit like a puzzle piece against him. I could stay here for hours if he'd let me.
"All I know is that I am tired of hurting you. I will do anything to see you live a happy life. You must believe that."
I shook my head. I couldn’t look at Kova just yet. What he said wasn’t wrong, I just didn’t agree with it. When there’s a will, there’s a way. Gymnastics had taught me if I wanted something bad enough, then I had to put the work in to get it. And that’s how I felt about us. I was willing to do what it took. I wished he'd fight for us the same way.
"Don't you understand that time is not on my side right now? Nothing hurts more than you leaving."
Kova cupped my cheek and I finally looked at him. The anxiety encasing my chest intensified. He leaned down and kissed my tears away as they fell in rivers. I wound my arms around his shoulders and threaded my fingers through his hair. I closed my eyes as I inhaled him into me. My heart felt like it was shattering into a million tiny pieces. I was afraid to let go, afraid we wouldn't ever have this again.
Kova was my everything.
"I have thought about you nonstop since that day. I drove myself crazy when you were in the hospital and I could not be there with you." He pulled back and paused like he was struggling for words. His fingers skimmed over the hem of my shorts. "I have never felt more powerless than I did in that moment. All I felt was rage, and it resulted in a few fights while I was waiting to be released. It was part of the reason I was not released when I should have been. You mean everything to me. I resent myself every second of my life after seeing what you went through. You deserve better."
I shook my head frantically. "I'm so sick of everyone telling me what's best for me. I don't need you, my father, or anyone for that matter to make decisions for me. Let me make them, and if I'm wrong, I want to experience that for myself too. I'm the one who gets to decide what to do with my life and who I want in my life. And what I want is you, Kova. I just want you in my life."
Kova exhaled a heavy breath as his gaze bore into mine. His back bowed. He was struggling again. I could feel him wavering beneath my touch. Tipping my jaw up, I parted my lips toward his and lowered my eyes. I peered at him through my lashes. He exhaled through his nose and his chest heaved into me. Kova dropped his gaze to my mouth. I drew in a soft gasp as he leaned toward me, his tongue delicately tracing over my lips. Without hesitation, he slipped inside and stroked across my mouth in a deep kiss. Our lips fused together, and that was all it took for my body to come alive. Heat exploded around us. Flashes of desire tingled down my skin. My back arched and I moaned.
I straddled him without breaking our kiss. Kova's hands were on my hips in seconds, his palms cupping my butt as he guided me over him. Our bodies met and everything locked into place. My arms tightened around his shoulders and Kova deepened the kiss. He embraced me, clutching me desperately.
My thighs clenched around his waist and I felt his hardness press between us. It wasn't about that, though. We had something everyone dreamed of having one day, chemistry between two people that only increased the passion each and every time they were together.
Kova broke the kiss, panting heavily against me. "This does not have to be difficult. I am trying to do what is best for you, Adrianna." He paused. "Fuck," he said through gritted teeth. "I’m trying to do what is best for us."
I looked deep into his eyes. They were brimming with raw emotion. I wanted him to give into me the way I was giving into him.
"Let me decide what's best for me."
I smashed my mouth to Kova's. He kissed me back hard, brutally, putting all his feelings into the way his lips crushed mine. He kissed me like he was giving me hope and breaking my heart at the same time. This wasn't a man who wanted to leave me. This was a man who was on his knees madly in love with me, trying his hardest to right his wrongs.
"Tell me you love me," he said.
My breath hitched in my throat. I looked back and forth between his eyes, suddenly scared to tell him I loved him. My heart pumped hard and fast as he watched me, waiting, silently pleading for something he wasn't sure I could give him.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I finally said the words he needed to hear. "I love you." I released a loud sob as soon as the words left my lips. "I've loved you for a long time."
Kova studied me, the black flecks in his probing green gaze cut right through me. My declaration stilted him into silence and his stare filled with a mixture of wonder and heartbreak. I think he always knew I loved him, but saying the words changed his reality. He wasn’t prepared for the weight of those words to actually leave my lips.
Kova lifted my hand and brought it to his chest. His heart beat wildly under my palm. "Do you feel that, Adrianna? My heart will only ever beat for you. This is what you do to me when I think about how much I love you."
I felt his pulse and wondered if he knew the rapid thumping of his heart mirrored my own.
My fingers moved over the raised scar beneath his shirt, tracing over the letter. I softened. The mark was more than a binding of two people. It represented our agony and connection. Proof there was no length we wouldn't go to for each other. How were we supposed to walk away from one another when it was agonizingly clear we didn't want to?
"I love you, Kova," I said, my voice soft. "I love you so fucking much." My jaw trembled from the magnitude of emotions coursing through me.
Saying I love you was so much harder than saying fuck you or I hate you. Love was putting themselves out there to risk everything one had to give. It was the strongest emotion there was. Hate dissipated over time. People didn't reminisce over hate, they reminisced over love and the way it made them feel. Love grew and intensified over time. Love also wrecked lives.
Kova drew in a quiet breath and nestled me closer to him. Being wrapped in his arms was something I reveled in, but this time he was finding solace in holding me. His eyes closed and he took a few shallow breaths. I didn't know what the next five minutes would bring us. All I knew was that we couldn't lose each other.
"Loving you scares me," I said, opening myself up to him and the truth. "More than anything in the world."
He opened his eyes and lo
oked at me. I cupped the back of his head and brought his lips to mine. Soft and pliable, his kiss eased the tension around me. My body pressed into his, his chest against mine, and I expelled a breath knowing this was right where I needed to be. My mind was a muddled mess, and the more I thought about our future the messier it became. There was only one thing I wanted tonight.
"Kova?" I waited until his eyes met mine before I continued. "Make love to me?"
"Are you sure that is what you want?"
I nodded. "I think it's what we need. Just…just go slow."
His brows angled toward each other. “I do not have any protection with me.”
Crazy how we never really cared about protection until I got pregnant. It wasn't like we didn't know unprotected sex led to babies, we knew, we just got too lost in the passion to really care.
“I’m on birth control now.”
A shadow formed in his eyes and it hurt my heart. I'd gone on birth control before I left the hospital.
“Are you upset I started the pill?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “All of this happened because of me, and it sickens me."
I wished he'd stop blaming himself. If he didn't let go of the guilt it would eat him alive.
Kova pressed his forehead to mine and looked between us. He stilled. I fisted his shirt tighter and followed his gaze. My heart nearly stopped when I realized he was looking at my stomach.
A million thoughts ran through my mind.
I wondered what he was thinking.
I wanted to know if he felt like his chest was caving in the way mine was too.
I was scared to know if he wanted this for us, or if he was truly trying to put me before him.
His brows knitted together, and I prayed he didn't turn me away because of what had happened.
"I'm sorry, Kova. I understand if you can't…be like that with me anymore. I'm sure I disgust you after what happened—I disgust myself."