‘Well – has anyone? I mean, I don’t know much about your family life.’
‘No, but yours is really interesting. I mean, what was it like, with your mother? What was it like not being able to go and see your family and all that stuff?’
‘Well, I mean – it was just the way things were, you know? And anyway, we didn’t have any family left in Berlin. It was just my grandparents, and they died way before I was born.’
‘What – and your mum really had no other family?’
‘No. Well – I don’t think so. Definitely no one she was in touch with.’
‘And she’s never wanted to go back?’
‘No. I think the whole thing was quite traumatic for her, to be honest. I mean, imagine leaving home when you’re that young – pretty much the age we are now. And then her parents dying in prison …’
‘How did they die, though, exactly? I mean, it’s kind of weird they both died in prison, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, tell me about it. Apparently my grandmother died of a heart attack – from the stress, I guess. And then, well – when my grandfather heard, he committed suicide.’
‘Jesus.’
‘Yeah.’
‘…’
‘…’
‘And – I mean. OK. Don’t take this the wrong way, but – you’re sure that is what happened?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Didn’t you say your grandparents were, like, dissidents?’
‘Are you suggesting my grandparents were bumped off by the Stasi or something?’
‘Well, I mean – isn’t it a bit fishy? That they both died in prison? And, I mean – it’s not like your mother was there to check that it was true …’
‘Jesus! We’re not living in a John Le Carré novel, Adam.’
‘Well, no, I know, but—’
‘No, but actually, in all seriousness, I know what you mean. I have wondered that myself – but to be honest, my mum has never suggested there was any foul play involved, and I think she would if she did think that. I mean, she left East Germany because she was a dissident herself …’
‘Oh really? What had she done?’
‘Oh, she like, wrote these pamphlets. Stirring up trouble, I guess.’
‘Wow. That’s pretty cool.’
‘…’
‘Sorry, I mean, obviously “cool” is a silly word to use. I mean, clearly she was taking huge risks, and paid a big price.’
‘Yes – it’s something I’m proud of, I guess. That I come from a line of people who really fought for what they believed in, who put their lives on the line. It makes me feel like – like I should honour that. Try and find something worthwhile to do with myself, you know. God, does that sound really pompous?’
‘No, not at all! It’s an admirable goal. I’d like to find something worthwhile to do with my life, too.’
‘Well yes, I mean, of course, everybody does. And, I mean, I’m not trying to big myself up here – I’m talking about all this crazy East German stuff now because we’re on the topic, but it mainly feels quite remote from my life, to be honest. At the end of the day, I had a pretty average middle-class English upbringing.’
‘Well – with a family that was pretty different from other people’s …’
‘I guess so …’
‘Don’t you ever – I mean, don’t you wonder?’
‘Wonder what?’
‘What your grandparents were like – what your family’s story really is. I mean, for all you know they might have been involved in the craziest stuff, fighting against the East German government …’
‘I don’t think they were really fighting as such – just, you know, dissenting.’
‘But still, don’t you wonder what that means? What they did?’
‘I guess, yes, it would be interesting to know. It’s just – it doesn’t seem that urgent somehow. It feels more urgent to …’
To be here with you. There is nothing more urgent than that right now.
‘… to – to – you know. To study, hang out with you guys, work out what I want to do with my life.’
‘But mightn’t it have something to do with that? You’ve just said it’s knowing about what your grandparents and your mother did that makes you want to do something meaningful. Isn’t it all a part of who you are? The language, for example. Isn’t there a part of you that feels weird, not speaking your own mother’s language?’
‘I think you’re kind of idealizing this foreign part of me – I’m very English, really, Adam.’
‘But that’s what I’m saying – maybe you’re not. Maybe if you looked into it …’
‘Well, how would I look into it, as you put it?’
‘Go there – to Berlin. I’ll come with you, if you like.’
‘Um. Right.’
‘We could go there for a year, even – after we’ve graduated.’
‘Aren’t you meant to still be studying medicine for, like, the next gazillion years?’
‘I’m sure I could spend one of them in Berlin. My German’s pretty good, I could study medicine there.’
‘Where on Earth has this idea come from?’
‘I guess – I’ve just always wanted to do something like that. To live abroad for a while. And I love Berlin – it’s, like, such an exciting place to be at the moment.’
‘Hm.’
‘You’re not tempted?’
‘I don’t know. I’d need to think about it.’
‘Well – do. It would be a cool adventure to go on together.’
They leave the restaurant, woozy from the house red. It’s a balmy evening, and the South Bank is bathed in warm, nocturnal colours, hushed voices drifting around them as the evening draws to a close. They stand for a while, undecided, looking at each other. Adam is a head taller than her, slender but strong, his gentle blue eyes twinkling with a hint of mischief, his blond hair ruffled and sexy. There couldn’t be anyone else.
‘Shall we go and sit down?’
They walk over to a bench facing the river; Adam puts his arm around Eva as they sit. She lays her head on his shoulder. Before them, the Thames, inky blue under the moonlit sky, creeps towards the sea with the habit of centuries.
And then they kiss.
Acknowledgements
Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you, to:
My wonderful agent, Laura Macdougall, for believing in this book when it was still a baby and coaxing it and me along the long road to publication.
My equally wonderful editor, Suzanne Bridson, for believing in this book once it was a surly teenager, and helping me turn it into a presentable adult; and everyone else at Doubleday and Transworld.
Charlotte Maddox and the whole team at Tibor Jones for their enthusiasm and support.
My comrades-in-arms, Jeremy Tiang, Sarah Day and Angela Clarke, for feedback and pep talks and general sharing of the highs and lows of the writing life.
Jim Crace, for words of encouragement uttered at exactly the right time.
Alison Flood née Bone, Johann Hari, Kerry Hudson and Nick Harrop, for help in navigating the publishing industry; Tim Moore, for providing a roof over my head on countless ‘business trips’ to London; and my many other friends who have had their ears chewed off with book-related anxieties, and without whose reassurance and support I would not be able to function.
My family, and above all Mum and Dad, for more than can adequately be expressed in a page of acknowledgements; Rich, for being incorrigible; Tes, for keeping him in line; and James, for giving him a taste of his own medicine.
And of course, of course, with all my love, Stefan, thank you for everything – and Aloys, for being such a good sleeper and generally extraordinary little human being.
About the Author
Kate McNaughton was born and raised in Paris, and now lives in Berlin. She read English and European Literature at Cambridge and filmmaking at the European Film College in Denmark. She is also a documentary filmmaker and translat
or. This is her first novel.
@katemcnaughton
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First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Doubleday
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Copyright © Kate McNaughton 2018
Cover design: Sarah Whittaker/TW
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Kate McNaughton has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
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