by Janie Marie
“I will talk to you later, all right?”
“Okay,” she whispered, standing up. Without anything further, she made her way to Jason. Each step, she felt like a part of her was being ripped away, but she sat next to her husband and ignored the desire to run back to David.
Jason eyed her cautiously before he darted his eyes to David then returned them to her. “Are you okay?”
No. She nodded. “I’m fine. I just have to make sure I’m fed.”
Jason appeared to debate something with himself before he spoke. “Do you love him?”
The others had all woken; she could feel them staring, but they were keeping quiet as her heart continued pounding away. Her whole world was spinning as she glanced over, seeing David watching her. He was letting her go.
She cut her gaze away as Arthur placed his hand on David’s shoulder, and she looked back at Jason’s pleading brown eyes. Her husband. He was waiting for her answer.
“No.” She didn’t recognize her own voice, and she felt her racing heart suddenly stop. The pain was so intense, but she could only stare at Jason, gasping softly when her heart began to beat again.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw David close his eyes before he stood and followed Arthur.
Don’t go.
She didn’t want him to leave. All she wanted was to scream. Scream for David to come back, scream at Death for leaving her again, scream at herself for being a terrible person. She was married with children, but she wanted two other men. She hated herself, and she knew there was no way to make things better. The only thing she could do was try to make things up to Jason. She had to put him and their kids first.
Jason took her hand and lifted it to his lips. She felt his lips on her fingers, but she couldn’t feel the love she felt when David or Death did the same. No tingles, no fire—no feeling of being whole. She felt nothing.
“And Ryder?” he asked.
Jane darted her eyes to Jason’s. “I don’t know how to explain my relationship with him.”
“Just explain what you can, Jane. I know I came off as a dick earlier. I’m sorry. I was just overwhelmed with realizing you were alive. I thought you had died.” He sighed, kissing her hand again. “Then these two guys are hovering over you, and I’m being told you’re going with them and so are my kids. I was angry. I love you, babe. I thought I was losing you again. Just please tell me what’s going on with you and Ryder. I need to know.”
Jane felt herself slowly slipping away again. Jason loved her and she was hurting him just like she was hurting David.
I don’t deserve any of them. All I do is cause pain.
“I love him,” she said, not intending to blurt it out. She paused, glancing at her sleeping children, away from the sadness in his eyes. “I can’t tell you what he is, but I loved him even before I met you. I know that doesn’t make sense or a difference, and I’m sorry that I betrayed you, but I do love him and he loves me. I’ve kissed him—several times.” She exhaled. “I’m sorry.”
“Do you want to be with him?” Jason asked, glancing around.
She shook at his words. “I’m your wife, Jason. I shouldn’t have betrayed you.”
“Is he a vampire, too?”
She smiled sadly. “No. I can’t tell you what he is.”
Jason was obviously confused but nodded anyway. “Jane, if you’re choosing me, then you need to realize I can’t watch you with them. I understand David was about to die—I haven’t figured out what exactly you did to save him, but I’m happy for you that he’s okay. He kept Nathan safe, and I’m grateful for what he did, but I will not watch you with him anymore. Whatever he does that helps you, figure out a way that doesn’t involve me watching you fall all over each other.”
“It’s hard to not be close to David, but we both agreed to distance ourselves.”
“You did?”
She nodded. “With Ryder gone, he’s the only one who stands a chance at stopping me if I lose control, though. He needs to be close, but he agreed to step back. Please don’t direct your anger at him—he’s a good man. I won’t let you talk badly about him like before. He’s only doing what’s best for me.”
“It looks like more than that, Jane.” He cut her a bitter look. “I know he changed you, and that means something to them, but you’re my wife.”
“I know,” she whispered.
Jason sighed. “Jane, we weren’t perfect, but I would never cheat on you—you know that. I forgive you for what you’ve admitted, but I won’t if you carry on.” He rubbed his wedding band with his thumb. “I know there’s a lot we have to face, and I understand, for the most part, what you are. I accept it. However we can be together, I want it. But you need to end what you have with them. I won’t watch you in their arms.”
Jane stared at her lap. She knew where she was and who was there, but she felt like she was standing on a cliff with Jason behind her, asking her to jump. Ending everything with David and Death meant ending her. They were her protectors. Her warriors.
She realized, had she ever truly been in love with Jason, she wouldn’t have gotten in this situation. Had she felt loved by Jason, she wouldn’t have craved the affection Death and David showered her with. None of that mattered, though. She had committed herself to Jason and that was where she would stay. She bobbed her head in silent agreement, but she wanted to cry. For once, though, she had no tears.
“I will end it,” she whispered. “David has to be there, but I will stop what has been happening between us.”
Jason exhaled, hugging her. She rested her head against his chest and listened to his heart. It wasn’t the same. His didn’t race when she came close, then relax like David’s did, or comfort her the way Death’s did. There was no magic or spark. Her skin didn’t tingle or burn on contact, her stomach didn’t squeeze with delightful butterflies when Jason smiled, and she didn’t shiver from his laughter. She loved Jason; she always would, but it wasn’t the right kind of love. She knew that now. Their love should have remained a friendship, but it was too late; she was his wife and the mother of his children.
Her heart was gone now, but she would stay with Jason because it would break her to leave him as well—to be the one who destroyed everything. He was the symbol of her loyalty. Her family was the only thing left for her to do right by. She had to honor her marriage.
David handed Arthur the empty glass of blood he had finished as he listened to Jane and Jason talking. Had there ever been a time for David’s enhanced hearing to be a curse, it was now.
“David, I’m sorry,” Arthur said quietly.
David remained silent as he listened to Jane confess her love for Death after she admitted she didn’t love him. It was no surprise to David, but hearing her say it killed him. She doesn’t love me.
“That’s not true, David. This is why she wouldn’t let herself love you back. You have her heart, brother. She accepts Death’s love because that is easier. Even though she loves him enormously, the love that is yours makes her whole, but she can’t accept it yet.”
“There is no yet, Arthur,” he said, growling.
“Don’t give up on her.”
“I can’t have her, Arthur. She was never mine.”
Arthur glared at him. “Stop it, David. You just told her you would be there for her. She needs your strength right now. You and Death will always be a part of her—nothing and no one will change that. Be strong for her because Jason will never be who she is meant for.”
David sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He listened to Jane promising to end it with him and with Death. He looked back at his brother-in-law.
Arthur shook his head. “He is asking for the impossible.”
“What do I do, then?” David snapped. “I know what I told her, but she is agreeing to more than I expected her to.”
Arthur pushed off the counter. “Do what you’ve always done. Show patience and be there to support her. Most of all, keep her heart. There will come a day when she needs it
back. Keep it safe and cherish it. You’re the only one she trusted it to. Don’t fail her now and remember you were chosen for a reason. We are only given what we can handle.”
David nodded, listening to Jane greeting Nathan and Natalie. He closed his eyes upon hearing the love and sadness in her voice. She sounded so lost.
“It’s because her heart is gone.” Arthur’s voice cut into his heartache. “When she got up from that cot and walked away, she left it with you. It’s not time for her to embrace your love just yet, brother. Without you and Death, she isn’t whole.”
David braced his hands against the counter and squeezed his eyes shut. Gawain was doing what he did best, distracting Jane from lingering on her pain. The hollowness in her voice crushed him. She had just enough love left to give to her children. Everything else was gone. “So, until the time comes, I wait?”
“Yes.” Arthur sighed. “Letting her see you in pain will only shatter her. Showing your strength will give her what she needs to keep going. Be there for her and the children. Be friendly with Jason. You will want to be close to her, but you must refrain; that’s not the way she needs you now. It was before, but it will only sadden her now. She’s already feeling alone and broken. It’s not like before, when she shut off. Now she’s ripped herself apart. I know she should not be with Jason, but in her mind, she has to. We always knew that her loyalty was to him. I honestly do not see her benefitting by choosing you. She would probably be more unstable because of the guilt she would force on herself.”
David nodded. “What else?”
“Minimize the amount of physical contact you have with her. She will have to increase her blood intake on the donors. I will do my best to monitor her thoughts, but she’s learning to block me. I do not think she knows that she is doing it, but she is. I will help her and Jason understand that they can’t engage in normal marital intimacies.”
David closed his eyes as he turned away. He couldn’t bear the thought of watching them together. At least she was happy with Death.
“I am sorry.” Arthur gave him a pat on the shoulder. “I just meant that even her living in the same room with them will be forbidden. She understands the danger, but it will be hard for Jason to accept.”
“Where are they going to stay, then?”
Arthur looked him in the eye. “The room next to yours is large enough for Jason and the kids.”
David groaned, knowing what Arthur would say next.
“They will stay there, and Jane will be across from you. I know this makes it harder, but should she be a threat to them, you will keep them safe from her.”
David nodded stiffly. He only trusted himself to make sure that nothing happened regarding her children. It would ruin her if something did happen. He frantically wondered how the kingdom would take to Jane.
“I will make my position on Jane clear,” Arthur answered his thoughts. “She is one of us. We always knew your Other would take their place as my final knight. I expect her to be treated with respect as both a knight and your Other.”
David thought about the recent conversation he had with Gawain. How will the women react to her?
Arthur addressed that too. “If any threaten her, they will be banished. I don’t care where I have to send them, I will not have anyone wish harm on her or her family.”
“Thank you,” David muttered. He wouldn’t be able to get through this without Arthur’s guidance.
“You are welcome, brother. I’m only telling you what you already know. Do you want some time alone?”
David nodded. He needed to be alone to prepare himself for the war ahead of him. It’s never easy.
“No, it is not,” Arthur said. “That’s why she is so precious. She is worth it, isn’t she?”
David smiled and didn’t hesitate as he replied, “Always.”
Jane turned her head at the sound of Natalie giggling with Gawain. There was true happiness in her daughter’s voice as she chatted away with the knight. It was because of Natalie’s joy that Jane was able to smile while the hollow ache in her chest made it harder to breathe with each passing second.
Natalie pouted her lips as she crossed her little arms. “I’m hungry.”
Gawain grinned, picking her up before carrying her to a nearby table. “Hmm, how about some waffles?”
Natalie smiled brightly and clapped her hands. “With syrup?”
“Of course,” Gawain said. “Who eats waffles without syrup?”
“Nathan does,” Natalie said right away.
Gawain chuckled and turned to Nathan, who sat by his sister. “Nathan, what are you doing eating waffles without syrup?”
Nathan calmly said, “Waffle sandwich.”
Jane let out a sad laugh. Her baby boy was still the same, and that was the best thing ever.
Gawain frowned. “What’s a waffle sandwich?”
Jane smiled, unclasping Jason’s hand from before walking over to them. “I made it up. It’s just a waffle cut in half with a strip of bacon in the middle. It’s all he eats in the morning. That’s my bubby.”
“See?” Natalie said with a smug smile at Gawain.
He laughed at Natalie. “All right, smarty pants. Let us make you a waffle with syrup, and we will make Nathan a waffle sandwich.”
When Jason came to join them, Gawain led Jane to the small kitchenette area where she began to gather items to make breakfast. She tried to smile at him, but she knew he saw through her and wasn’t buying her act by the way he studied her. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as she put their plates together. She was glad to have her kids back, but the simple task, and the empty feeling inside her, took her back to how everything was before the plague.
She was back with Jason, and she didn’t want to be there.
She had to stay, though. Her kids deserved to have their family stay together. She wanted them to have what she didn’t.
“I’m here, Jane,” Gawain whispered, and she nearly bawled her eyes out.
She pulled back, staring at his concerned gaze through her unshed tears as she tried to keep herself from breaking down. She didn’t know what to do.
Gawain sighed, pulling her into a hug. “It’s going to be all right, love. You’ll get through this. Just remember, you’re not alone, and we all love you.”
She nodded into his chest, then took a deep breath before she pulled away and went back to preparing breakfast. She wanted to believe him, but she knew it wouldn’t be okay. Nothing she did would be okay. Every choice she made would have a negative outcome.
“You should eat, Jane,” Gawain said after she gave the kids their food.
She ignored him and addressed Jason. “Do you want something to eat?” For some reason, it made her so mad that he was just sitting there. She knew he was hurt, but she’d seen he had only been nicked on the leg and shoulder. She didn’t have it in her to ask him about his injury while David was still healing from multiple gunshot wounds. Just seeing Jason sitting there, waiting to be served, had her ready to scream.
Jason frowned, briefly looking at Gawain before he nodded to her. “Sure, anything is fine.”
Jane turned away quickly. If she looked at him any longer, she’d get angrier.
Gawain suddenly grabbed her shoulders and stopped her. “Jane, you need to relax. You’re not controlling your speed.”
She saw the knights, except for David, who was nowhere to be seen, watching her with concerned expressions. Then she met Jason’s alarmed gaze. She’d seen that look from him before she’d ever become a vampire. It was the look that said: something’s wrong with you—why do you have to be this way . . . It made her want to hide until she saw the awed expressions on Nathan’s and Natalie’s faces. She almost smiled, but Jason’s frightened stare still crushed her. She was too dangerous—like she’d always been.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she wondered how badly she might have hurt one of them if she moved too quickly or forcefully.
Gawain let her go. “It’s all right, Ja
ne.”
She nodded and finished making another set of waffles and bacon, but this time she made sure she moved slower as she returned to the table. Jason took the plate when she offered it to him, but he still stared at her like she was a ticking time bomb.
Jane averted her gaze as she sat down, too afraid to let them see any of her more monstrous features.
“Mommy fast!” Nathan cheered.
Jane snapped her head up, her eyes wide. Her son smiled before he continued eating breakfast as though nothing was wrong. She glanced at Natalie, and while she did have some confusion in her eyes, she smiled and went back to her food.
A flicker of hope filled Jane until she noticed Jason. He was afraid of her being close to the kids.
She pushed his food to him. “There’s your food.”
“Are you going to eat?” Jason paled and quickly added, “Never mind. I forgot.” He then began to eat his food without meeting her sad eyes.
Jane tried to hide her devastation by smiling at Nathan and Natalie. “Is that good?”
“Mhm,” they hummed together.
Arthur walked up and put a hand on Gawain’s shoulder. She noticed Gawain glaring at Jason, but she didn’t blame Jason for being nervous or regretting coming with her.
She sighed as she watched Gawain turn his glare away from her family.
“We do actually eat, Jason,” Arthur said as he sat next to her and across from Jason.
“Oh. I just figured . . .” Jason trailed off, giving her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, I guess I don’t understand everything.”
“It’s all right.” Arthur pulled his attention back to him. “I do need to speak with you both.”
Jane nodded to Arthur as he turned to her children.
“Nathan, Natalie, are you all finished?”
“Yep.” Natalie smiled up at him.
Arthur smiled, gesturing to Gawain. “Will you entertain them?”
“Of course,” he said.
“There’s no need to be worried,” Arthur said, and Jane realized Jason looked like he was about to save their kids from a grizzly bear instead of the teddy bear that Gawain really was.