by Marie Hall
Io sniffed, drew her sleeve under her nose and then pulled the edges of the fur lined oilskin cloak closed. Warmth enveloped her despite the cold heavy mist falling. When they passed through the town a week ago, Xavier made the choice to stop traveling. He'd found her a room and a woman to help bathe. She'd not known where he disappeared for two days, but the morning they prepared to leave, Xavier appeared with a pair of new boots and the thick warm cloak. She could be out of the wagon even if there was rain.
"My lady?"
His thoughtfulness disturbed her though, as did his new ability to apologize. Neither of those things disturbed her half so much as how easy it was to go towards him when the boom of thunder nearly made her shriek with the terror she'd felt.
"My lady?"
She pulled the cloak closer. She'd become a coward. She jumped at everything. Wondering always if the small sound would be someone with a knife to press to her neck or a dangerous animal ready to shred her.
"Lady Io?"
But for those few moments when Xavier's arms were around her, when he stood there for her to lean on, she'd felt the way she'd always felt when in his arms. Safe.
"My lady?"
After everything, how was it possible he made her feel protected? How was it he appeared to honestly be trying to keep her as his wife? Io moved her hand to the spot in her own cloak, under the new one, where the message from him stayed tucked away. How was it in late summer he wanted her buried and forgotten and now in early winter he seemed set to have her as his wife again? What happened after she left? Did he find Lady Sabrina with the stable hands?
"My Lady Io?" A hand settled on her shoulder. Io flinched away before she realized it was no one who would harm her. That Mark was able to frighten her at all bothered her. The last few months she stayed alert to her surroundings for any danger. Just days in Xavier's company and she got lost in thought. She heard him laugh softly, perhaps because she was frowning so sharply as to feel the pull in her jaw. "Beg pardon. I called, you did not hear?" She shook her head then looked away. She didn't know how much she could trust this man, any of the men in Xavier's ranks. "What were you thinking on so hard?"
"Nothing," Io said on a heavy sigh.
"My Lady," Mark started, then laughed a bit more when she again gave him a hard look. "It is his will we remember, make sure others remember, you have a status." He laughed again at the incredulous sound she made. "Io," he conceded as he sat next to her on the damp ground, "he is trying to right the wrongs committed against you."
"And forcing upon me his title will do this?" Io grumbled.
"It is your title, Io. Ah, ah." He hushed her protest. "It is your title and your status. You claimed it when you agreed to be his wife."
"It is a useless thing to have. What benefit did I receive from it? None."
"You did not use it. You made it known to no one that you are Xavier's wife, his countess—"
"And he did not either," Io said hotly, swinging around to face him. "He made no effort to make it known. Why was it my responsibility? And who would believe? It was not as if he accompanied me any place. He did not take me riding each morning. He made effort to not be seen with me."
"Io…" Mark tried to cut in.
"I made it known I had authority to act in his name. I did that, and it took nothing at all for everyone to believe another was to be his wife, his lady. Not even stating I was who Xavier placed in control kept Charlotte's will from being done. What difference had I told anyone I was a lady?" The disgust rang clear in her voice with the utterance of the word. "All of them demonstrated I was not the last, the only one with that title or those authorities." She shook her head, shrugged and turned to again face away.
"Io," Mark called. She shook her head again. "Io."
"No, I will not be the only one blamed for what transpired. I failed but it was not for lack of trying." And had they not tried to murder her, she might have continued to try and she hated herself for that. She'd have kept trying because he made her believe there was a possibility, there was more than hope. He made her believe in a home and forever. Xavier made her believe against everything she knew was true and having to again face the truth left her without hope.
"Io." Mark rose then came around to stand before her. "Io, no one finds you at fault." He took hold of her chin when she began shaking her head and forced her face up. "Mistakes were made. By both of you. Had Xavier given more consideration to—"
"He gave no consideration," Io snarled and pulled away. "Well, I was ready, from your own advice, to be always considered second as his wife. But you should have advised truer. You should have allowed what I knew from experience. That I am rarely, if ever, considered in any house in which I am placed. It was no different this time."
"Io, I do not try to absolve Xavier. And you are not innocent in these troubles. You each bear responsibility, in different measures for different matters. There will be no resolution though if you continue to keep all things to yourself. What matters concern you then, now, you must speak on."
"What matters if, do I speak, even that I shout, when no one listens? When I am told again and again I am wrong, that what I know is not at all what I know. Always I am wrong. Better I say nothing." She stood and moved toward the road looking in the direction from which they'd come. "Better perhaps I remain gone if I cannot be heard, than to think falsely I might cry out and someone should respond." She took another step towards the road not thinking Mark followed. "Better I save myself."
"No," Mark snapped before he took hold of her arm in a firm, unyielding grip and began dragging her towards the large group of men who were finishing their meal and preparing for sleep. "No, you will not go. Not before you are heard."
Io dug in her feet and tried to pull away. She'd so far not done more than give a polite greeting as she passed someone. She didn't want to engage with these people. She didn't want to give them a chance to make her hope. And as Mark pulled her, stumbling into the circle of knights and soldiers, she saw Xavier stand. She really didn't want to again hope he might hear her this time. If he said things which made her believe in those promises he gave her a year ago, she might not have enough left to stand alone.
"What is this?" Xavier asked as he came towards them.
"Our lady needs to be heard," Mark said loudly, calling attention to them. The group became quiet with only a few mutterings, mostly to call others over. "Lady Io has want to speak on her concerns. To gain answers beyond meaningless reassurances."
Io watched Xavier stiffen at those words and opened her mouth to deny she wanted anything. But before she could get out a sound, Mark pulled her around and set her center within the crowd.
"Io?" Xavier stepped closer and, damn, she stepped back. She couldn't hold ground. She at one time could stand against any man, even one set on doing her harm. Against Xavier, she retreated. And she did so not out of fear he'd harm her but out of fear, the real fear, she'd want him more than she wanted life.
"Now, my lady, speak," Mark said and stepped back.
Io watched Xavier look between her and his man. His confusion was clear, he didn't know any more than she did what Mark was expecting her to say. "Io, if you need to speak, we can go—"
"No," Mark interrupted. "No, let her speak here with witnesses."
Xavier gave the man a deadly look but when he looked at her, it was with a softer, questioning expression. "Io, you can speak here, or…" he again shot a heated look at Mark, "we can speak in private."
Io looked from Xavier to Mark and then to the crowd of men who wait for her to disclose some great secret. She didn't know what she was expected to say. She dropped her head and blinking back tears, said, "I have nothing to say."
"You will not remain silent, Io." Mark stepped up and grabbed her arm. Xavier moved to pull her free but Mark wouldn't relinquish his hold. He gave her a sharp shake. "You will not remain silent. You will not sit alone and contemplate when you will run—"
"Io?" Xavier gasped.
> "Speak now, be heard on what it is you want, need, to find resolution," Mark demanded, giving her a second shake.
"Io." Xavier lowered his voice and stepped closer. "Do you really think to leave?" Io couldn't hold his eye and she shrugged as she looked away. "Io, why? You are not willing to try?"
Did he have to sound so hurt? And why did he sound that way?
"Tell him, Io," Mark said from behind her. "Tell him now."
"Tell him what?" Io turned to face the man putting this unknown expectation on her. Why did he do this? What was she to say? What could saying anything help? "What do you think I should say?" She could feel heat rising in her chest as she tried to resist screaming at Mark, at Xavier at all of them. They shouldn't have come for her. They only took her back to meet her end, to watch Xavier want another woman.
"Tell him," Mark nearly shouted. Why did he feel so free to yell? "Tell him."
"Tell him what?" Io shook with the strength behind those words. "Tell him what? And to what end to speak? None better than I have seen. Tell him what? Anything I say, I am wrong. Everything I know is denied."
"I do not deny you," Xavier shouted and Io turned to face him. The hurt was gone from his expression and what she recognized from the past several months was there.
"Every time I speak, you say I am wrong."
"I do not," Xavier snapped.
"I say it is true, you call me a liar."
"No, I do not."
Io looked back at Mark as she tossed her arm out towards Xavier. "Again, what is the point?"
"Io?" Xavier called.
"No, you do not hear me, I—"
"I do," Xavier said through clenched teeth.
"My lord." Mark stepped to Io's side and put his arm around her shoulder. "Xavier, do you hear yourself? All you say is counter to what Io is saying."
"It is not." Xavier lifted his fists to his temples and breathed out heavily, causing his nostrils to flare.
"You did it again," Gerald said, stepping up.
"No," Xavier denied, causing a few uneasy chuckles.
"Yes." Lucas set a hand on his shoulder.
"What the hell am I supposed to say? I listen when she speaks, I do not call her a liar." He sounded and looked as frustrated as Io felt.
"Tell him, Io," Mark again urged as he moved her closer to Xavier.
"Tell him what? I do not know what to tell him." She could hear the defeat in her voice and the anger again started to churn. Why did she have to always be the one in the wrong, the one to yield?
"Tell him everything, Io. Start at the beginning."
"What beginning?" She really didn't know what Mark meant.
"Tell him when you completely stop trusting him. Tell the truth; you never gave him your full trust. Tell him that. Start from the beginning." Mark stomped towards what she guessed was the place he intended to bed down and lifted her small pack from the pile of belongings. He pulled her journal from it as he walked back. "Tell him all these things." He held out the book to her. "Tell him everything you have kept to yourself that you should have said out loud."
"I said them out loud. He would not hear me." Io pushed the leather bound pages away.
"You told him? I think you did not. Tell him now; tell him again."
"Io." Xavier said her name the way he used to before he punished her. "You have never trusted me? Why? What did I do that you find me unworthy of your trust?"
Io knew that tone. He was insulted. Well, so was she. "You lied."
"I did not," he yelled back.
"Xavier," both Jon and Gerald yelled back.
"You did, you do." Io snatched the book from Mark and hurled into the dirt between them. "Everything you ever said to me was a lie. Everything." She watched Lucas again set his hand on Xavier perhaps to remind him not to answer with another denial. Io didn't give him the chance. "You should have sent word and let them come for me when you had the chance. Before you knew I was correct and had to cover your lies with more lies."
"What lies Io? What did I lie to you about?"
"Everything," she screamed.
"He can do nothing with so much, Io. Tell him something smaller," Mark said so softly she nearly missed his words for the pounding in her ears. "Start when the doubt set in."
"When his mother came?" Io gasped for a breath trying to stop the shaking.
"Io, I know Mother caused—"
"No, you caused it. You," Io shouted and pointed at him. He shouldn't be allowed to pass blame. "You caused it from the start. You." The sob rose up and she slapped a hand over her mouth to silence it.
"Tell him how, Io. He cannot act with so little." Mark now spoke from the other side. What was he, both the devil and the angel to be on one side with too much and the other with too little?
"Charlotte came and he abandoned me."
"I—" Xavier started but Io pushed on. Even if he wouldn't listen she'd speak this time. She would and then she'd go and everyone would let her because it was the best thing.
"You left me, you walked away first." Io wiped at the tears. "She came in declared me his whore, declared me unfit and he went with her."
"I told her we were married, Io. You were there."
"You did not deny her words. She called me a whore."
"I told her you are my wife," Xavier shouted and stepped towards her. This time she found the courage to not step back.
"You said it like it was not your want. 'Lady Io and I were wed by royal edict, Mother,' that is what you told her. That is what you said and only hours before you said you were not bound to me by anything but your own will. And you never refuted, ever, that I was some whore, you let her words stand. You let them stand and you stepped away from me." This time the sob slipped out. "You walked away first because she showed you the truth, that I was not what you needed." She finished and pressed both her hands over her mouth. Shrugging off Mark's hold, she turned from Xavier and started back towards the wagon. They all knew now, Xavier left her first. He made it clear she wasn't his choice. Now they could let her go and not feel they failed in any duty. Now, before she could find a reason to hope, she could leave her dreams behind.
Chapter Three
Xavier watched Io push through the crowd and head to the wagon. Damn it all, she'd accused him falsely and she needed to be held accountable. He didn't let his mother's words stand and he most certainly didn't walk away from her. Wasn't he the one chasing after her? She was the one who ran.
He took a step in the direction Io went only to feel a hand push against his chest. When he looked, Mark was bending down to pick up the book lying at his feet. "Let her go Brice," Mark said, standing and shoving the book back into the little pack of Io's belongings. Belongings, that were truly nothing but trash, important to her for unknown reasons.
"You will stop interfering in my marriage," Xavier snarled and grabbed the man's wrist, twisting it hard. Mark made no effort to struggle and Xavier gained no satisfaction so he let go and shoved the man away.
"Interfere in your marriage? What marriage, Xavier? You have lost her and even with her in your presence, she is gone from you. And she thinks constantly on being gone from your presence as well." Jon told him as he helped Mark collect a few of the loose papers that fell from the journal.
"She has no reason to want to go," Xavier said, the frustration making him hurt physically for lack of a solution.
"Sounded as she did to me," Gerald muttered.
"She did not speak the truth, at least not the whole truth." Why was he trying to defend himself? All this was past, he and Io had already worked though this matter. Hadn't they? Why then was she now saying she stopped trusting him? No, she'd not said that. She admitted she'd never trusted him. But how was that possible and why? Hadn't he proven himself trustworthy?
"Brice." Mark sighed then turned so he addressed all of them. "It is not a matter of truth as you know it. It matters that it is truth as she knows it. And even if she knows she speaks falsely, she is at least speaking. Right
now she keeps everything inside and there is something she holds in that is choking the life from her. Something she is so afraid to speak about she believes running is the better choice. If she is not pressured to tell you," he paused and pointed at Xavier, "if she is not challenged, forced to give up whatever is holding her back you will never be able to keep her. She will continue to run if only to avoid saying what is so hard for her to say."
"It took a lot to make her say what she did about Charlotte," Jon said, rubbing his hand over his forehead. "Could it be she had more to tell us about what that woman might have done?"
"Did something else happen? Xavier did you do something?" Gerald asked and Xavier wondered at the look he gave.
"I did nothing to her. I thought we were past this. I thought when she came back to my bed…" Xavier rather hoped it was nothing more than the problems Charlotte caused. He already planned to ensure Io would never be subject to his mother's hateful meddling.
"Xavier you cannot bed your marriage better. Are you sure something else did not happen?" Gerald said, stabbing his fingers through his hair as he paced.
"I asked her, she said nothing. I asked her again if she needed me to know anything. Again she said nothing." Was that what he'd been trying to do? Bed his marriage better? Did he rely too much on what they were able to make happen physically? He'd considered Io's willingness and her ability to give and take pleasure a blessing. Maybe he'd not given much thought to any pleasures found outside their chambers because they were so easily found within.
"She did not want to say what she did. Could it be hard for her to tell of her dislike for Charlotte. Maybe she worries about making Xavier choose. His mother or his wife." Jon said and no one missed he thought the choice easy.
"No, she said what she did now because that was easy." Mark closed the pack and tied the straps to hold the contents safe inside.
"Easy?" Lucas said and shook his head. "You practically pulled each word from her mouth. How was that easy? She did not want to say anything."
"That was easy for her, it was nothing more than the hundreds of things already said and…" He handed the pack to Xavier, and continued, "written about over and over. She was repeating what she knows we all already know. And she is going to keep saying what is easy until she has no choice but to say what is slowly killing her. The hard thing she either does not want to admit or is afraid will lead to something she cannot face."