by Marie Hall
Chapter Twelve
Xavier turned again in time to see Io fussing with the oilskins she wore as a condition of walking today. He'd not wanted her out of the wagon with the cough. And depending on when he happened to look, she was either too pale or too flush. But she'd put herself in such a pique when he asked her to ride inside, making declarations to how incapable he thought her, how weak and feeble he must mistake her to be, she left him little choice but to let her have her way. Although he was rather sure this time if he'd bent her, reddened her seat and forced his will no one would flinch. In fact, he looked back over his shoulder to see his men give him a questioning look.
He reasoned if the rain fell any harder or if it started to snow more he'd force Io into the wagon, even if it meant putting his hand firmly on her arse. He hesitated because it seemed she wanted to speak. Her question yesterday surprised him. He'd surprised himself more with his answer.
Io was correct, he'd not made a real effort to defend her against Charlotte. He'd been a coward when Io needed a soldier, a warrior. His inaction hadn't gained him favor with his mother. He'd never please her. He'd thought he stopped trying long ago, but he'd not. When Charlotte called on him to give him shelter in his house years ago he'd thought he'd win her then. That it served his needs as an absent landlord to have a capable chamberlain managing his affairs was an excuse so he'd not have to admit he wanted her approval. She came and went as she pleased and he rarely saw her if he returned. Never did she express gratitude. She complained well enough about lack of luxuries, which he provided the best he could. Still she was never pleased. And still he went on trying to please her. It was a fruitless endeavor; an epic battle he'd never win. And he knew had he given half so much effort to his wife… he shook his head and continued walking.
The rain picked up and flakes of snow mixed with it. If Io had something to say she needed to say it because there wasn't going to be many more times she'd be out walking. He looked right again, now she picked at her nails. He wasn't wrong she did want to speak she just didn't.
"Io," he called, reaching out and taking her hand so she couldn't shred her nails any more. "The weather is growing worse. I think you would be better in the wagon." He tried to bring her hand to his lips but she snatched it back and sidestepped out of reach.
"No, I want to walk and—" The fit of coughing choked off the words and brought them to a stop.
"Io." He put a bit of bite in his tone.
"No," she said, stopping and turning to face him. "No." Her foot came down hard in a puddle, splashing them both.
Xavier ground his teeth and drew in a breath. But as he watched, Io cowed back. They'd come a long way that he was patient enough to not already have her over his knee, skirts high getting a sound thrashing. "You have something to say? Or do you wish to let your behavior speak for you?"
He watched her eyes widen right before she bit down on her lip. He'd not made any charge against her. Not said she was being childish or unreasonable. Another step in the right direction. Giving her time to correct her actions gave her the chance to make a good choice without him forcing it on her. "I… I cannot ride," she whispered.
"You cannot ride in the wagon?" He understood her refusal to be mounted on horseback but what made her not want to ride in the wagon? And why now?
"I… I cannot." She bit her lip and then cleared her throat. "I cannot think there. I need to think."
"Think?" Odd answer. "Think on what? Perhaps I might help you sort through whatever it is." She dropped her head, tucking her chin in close. He worked to get his fingers under and lift her eyes to his. "What is it you try to reason out?"
"I… I do not." She stopped and her eyes filled with tears which spilled over and were washed away by the rain.
Xavier stepped closer, shielding her from the elements the best he could. "Io, you are free to speak here, free always to speak to me."
"How can it be one woman might lay with a man and be called a whore, yet another can lay with the same man and receive no condemnation? Does a lady know some manner in which to perform those acts with a man that she does not fall in status? Is it only her breeding, her blood shielding her or is it something taught? Something I might learn to do that I am not seen as a whore?" She took a breath then went on. "I will learn. I cannot be a lady, but neither must I be a whore."
"Io, you are not a whore," Xavier shouted in outrage. She might as well have slapped him, her words left the same stinging impact. He watched her jerk back and toss her hands in the air and he heard the frustrated growl she made. Yes, he'd again denied what she said, same as he'd done too many times before. Spinning on his heel he stepped away. Damn this, not this time. He spun back and grabbed her before she could retreat. "No, this time I am denying what you say. Do you hear me?" He gave her a shake. "You are not a whore and I will not stand here and have such slander against my wife go unanswered." He shook her again. "Do you hear me? You. Are. No. Whore."
She pushed against him trying to get free but he knew if he let go she'd step out of reach and stay that way. "I must be. I must be because—"
"Because Charlotte called you such?" He'd heard his mother pay insult to Io with that word, and while he'd demanded she stop, that she respect Io, he'd not enforced his words with actions. "She is no one who can judge you, Io. You share a man's bed, my bed, within the confines of a legal and sanctified marriage. You are a wife, not a whore."
"It cannot be so simple. Not if she can share your bed and be called a lady," Io yelled and with one finial effort managed to break out of his hold. He reached for her but as she could, she avoided him.
"You are a lady Io," he shouted back irritated she continued to avoid his grasp. "Wait." He gave up trying to grab her and put some thought into her words. "Who is sharing a bed with whom?"
"Sabrina shares your bed. She shares a bed with any number of men and she is exempt from any degradation." She twisted left, then stumbled giving Xavier the chance to take hold and drag her against him. "It is not fair. You made me wait. You said I had to wait so everything was properly done. But her, you took as soon as you wanted and no one looks disapprovingly at her. I do not understand how this is so."
"It is not so, Io. I share my bed with no one but you."
"Oh you will place semantics on it. What does it matter where you take her? She spreads her legs for you same as I did and she is a lady while I am a whore." She was struggling to get free and the effort he put into holding her without hurting her took from his effort to counter her statements.
"I have not," he ground out, taking her wrists he twisted her arms behind her back and pushed her fully against his body until she couldn't move. "I have not been with Sabrina. I have not been with anyone save for my wife since the very day I meet her. I have not been unfaithful to you, Io."
"You lie; again you lie. I saw you with her. I saw you." She brought her foot down on his and when he stepped back she kneed him, missing his sack by a breath. "I saw you." Her voice cracked. "I saw you with her and I tried to tell myself not to watch, not to look. But I could not look away. I could not look away and could not see what she did that was different, better than I. I could not see why you should prefer her over me. There was no difference that I could see other than she is a lady and I am not." She managed to pull one wrist free and she used that hand to push at him.
"I was never with Sabrina, Io," Xavier yelled and tried to stop her struggling against him with pressure to the arm he held. She yelped and while she stilled it was enough to bring her aid. Ian's beefy hand grabbed Xavier's wrist and pulled it from Io while Gunther and Gerald grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him tripping backwards. Jon held Io, her back to his front, arms locked at her sides so she couldn't struggle against him too.
"What is this now?" Mark asked, stepping between the spouses.
"She accuses me of adultery," Xavier said, trying to free himself from the hands holding him. If he'd not been sure the men would protect Io over him, he was now.
&
nbsp; Mark looked from him to Io and then back again. "Have you been unfaithful?"
"No," he said emphatically.
"I saw you," Io yelled before the sound of his denial even faded.
"I have been with no other."
"Lies."
"It serves no purpose now to deny it, perhaps in a moment of weakness or carelessness…" Mark started.
"It serves a purpose. I deny it because it is untrue. I have not been unfaithful to my wife."
"I saw you," Io claimed again. "I saw him with her. I saw them together."
"You did not because I was not with her." What the hell could she have seen to make her believe this? He'd not taken Sabrina. Hell he'd not taken any woman to bed since Io left theirs.
"Io." Mark stepped closer to him. "What exactly did you see?"
"I saw them. Him and Sabrina." Io's voice lost its shrillness, a sign she was going to give in. She was resigned to believe as she did.
"Io, be specific." Mark again stepped closer. "Let her speak and if what she says is at all true admit it," he said in a low tone to Xavier.
"I saw them kissing. I saw them and I know what kissing precedes and as they always do they rode out. They did not even try to come back separately. Discretion mattered not at all."
Xavier felt every eye on him, and a glance around said a few might be ready to cut him down. "Did you kiss the Blake woman? Did you bed her?" Mark asked. "If you have not been true to your wife, you are not the first man. But do not deny her what she knows."
"Let go," Xavier ground out and pulled away. He knew, or at least he thought he did what Io spoke of. And while it was a little damning to his reputation it was by no means what Io believed it to be. He took two steps towards her but when several men closed in, he spun and paced the other direction. He had to get this right. He had to make this an explanation Io could understand at the very basic level. He had to tell her what she needed to know not only so she knew he wasn't untrue but also so she'd stop doubting herself. He'd created the doubt within her, he'd destroy it.
Turning to face her, he pulled his shoulders back and held his head up. Nothing he was about to say could shame him, at least not among those baring witness. Lesser men would laugh and torment him until his death. But he'd not surrounded Io with lesser men and he, himself wasn't one. He took a deep breath and wiped the rain from his face. Now if she'd listen.
As if he could read his mind, Mark turned to Io. "Hear him out, my lady."
Io gave no indication she would but Jon held her so Xavier opened his mouth. "A full confession, my lady. A complete accounting of what I have done. Will this satisfy you?"
"If you do not lie," she hissed at him.
"Then the full truth in all its ugly grandness." He took another breath shaking off the tension he could feel growing around him. "You are not mistaken; I did kiss the younger Blake. But let us not start there, because there is so much more you need to hear." He watched her lift her hand and wipe at her face but he didn't know if she wiped at tears or rain. "I should remind you, it was you who left our bed. It was you who left me."
"Xavier," Mark warned.
"No, I am not saying this to condemn you or lay my actions at your feet. I say it only so you remember the whole truth. You left our bed. I swore I would never force you there. But I am a man. And I have needs. I am not so base a man I seek to fulfill those needs every moment of the day or night. But those needs exist. For a time, I gave myself what you would not. It is not hard, you know." He almost smiled when he saw the flush creep into her face. She actually enjoyed being by him, urging him on with touches and words while he took his cock in his fist and brought on release. Often enough she'd set his hand to work while she gave her sole attention to his sack. It was a pleasure he'd continued to miss if he didn't win her back. He went on. "But that stopped being enough, and you were gone from the bed. And as my needs grew, my abilities faltered. I could not think or train for want of the release you once gave me. And not only what you gave in our bed. Everything you gave. I had none of it. No companionship, no smiles, not fits of vile language, no stories of the soap makers. No kisses on my check followed by heated complaints against the stubble. No touches anywhere for any purpose. You left and took all those things with you and, bereft for the loss, I weakened. I faltered. In my every duty, actions and words."
She opened her mouth then but before she said anything she closed it and looked away. This time when he stepped closer no one tried to stop him. He set his hand to her face and turned her so they looked at each other.
"I faltered, Io. And I sought to regain footing. I am, after all, a man. And as a man I could find what I needed with any woman. I believed I only need to find it one time with another and everything would be set right. I made that my mission. To find the release I needed and go back to what needed doing. But I didn't seek out Sabrina, I never sought her out. Rather I rode out to the Red Hare." Her gasp was loud and she physically recoiled. "Yes, I know you know the place." He'd blistered her backside once for refusing to stay away from the dirty brothel on the east edge of his holdings. Gunther manhandled her away from it three times and it was the third which prompted the thrashing. He'd told her to stay away and told her none of his men were allowed to go. It was filled with sick and diseased women who found pleasures in pain. The patrons too were of no good standing. It wasn't in them to ever hear a woman's refusal and heed it. The only reason it existed was it had a sort of du tolerance granted by the last wearer of the crown and encouraged by the last landholder. "I rode out to the Red Hare and I laid down some coin and was given some of the worst ale while I looked at all the woman there. And I looked for some time. And I found," he paused to make sure she listened, "no one. I found not one woman there I cared to take. And I left. But I went back. I went back several times. Each time I tried anew to find a woman. I looked at them and I tried to find one. Just one. I thought perhaps if I found a blonde with hair like a wheat field at dawn, or one with eyes as blue as the sky. Maybe one not so wide in the hips or thick in the thighs. And they tried too. They tried with touch and words. But I could not make myself want them. Still I had the need. Worse now because for the effort and lacking result all it took was to catch your scent in the stairwell or see you standing in the yards and I could not function."
"Sabrina?" Io mouthed.
"Yes, well. After weeks of not wanting any of the women at the Red Hare, I tried to convince myself it was because I was above them. I was no longer a soldier struggling to make my name or fortune. I was, am, a titled landowner. I am wealthy, have power and connections most will never dream of. I am no man to take a dirty, sick whore to his bed. The woman I bed should be of noble status, my equal or close to it." Again he saw her recoil only this time Jon set her forward and stepped back. She stood on her own facing him. "A lady is who I decided on. And you know we have a few among us. But I am no fool. I did not gain backing by bedding the wives and daughters of my fellows in combat. Still there are some widows and matrons on our lands. You are friends with them I think." She stepped to the side perhaps seeking escape as he closed in on the point he was making. He matched her movements. "But like with the whores, Io, none of them could entice me. It was frustrating as hell—you should know. I am a man after all. I am a man and for the most part a man's needs are easily met. But I could not find even a flash of desire for any of them." He stepped closer now and was relieved Io stood her ground. "That day, when Sabrina Blake caught me in the side yards, I wanted to run from her. At first, had the ground opened up and swallowed her, I would not have missed her. At first. Then it occurred to me, maybe if I tried with her I could find what I wanted. If I took her, and God knows she wanted me, maybe I could find my lost manhood. So I kissed her. I grabbed her and pulled her in and I kissed her. And I prayed. I begged God to let it happen and then tried bargaining with the devil to fill me with the sin of lust. If I could have, I would have shoved her against the walls of the house and driven my cock inside her without care or mercy. I
f I could have." He stopped and pushed the muttering around him out of his mind. "I could not. As much as I wanted to, I could not. Because for the time I spent praying and begging I also gave time to compare her to you. And there simply is no comparison, Io. There is none. She did nothing so well as you. She did not smell right. There was no hint of lavender and pine on her skin. She did not taste like apples."
"You do not like apples," Io choked out and stepped up to him.
"I like the way they taste on you." He set his hands on her arms and urged her to come even closer. "She did not feel right. She did not fit against me in all the correct places or curve just so to put her body in reach of my touch. She did not make those small little desperate sounds in the back of her throat to encourage me. Her hands did not hold me warmly and with care." At some point Io came close enough to lean against him. "I tried, Io, this much I admit to. And if that is a sin, I will beg you absolve me for you are the only one who can. I tried but I could not want her. There is no other woman in this life I want or need. You are the only one, between all of heaven and hell, who can make me a complete man. I know this. I have known it from the moment I met you. Before you I was a man. But only so much I was a strong back and a skilled arm. I had a mind for war and death and destruction but for nothing else. I was nothing more than an empty chest. But you give me riches I could not think of before. You are my heart, my very soul. It is only with you that I am filled with boundless wealth. There is no one else for me, Io. There never was, there never will be again. Not then, not now, not ever. This life or the next."
Her arms went around him, flattened and pulled him closer as her head settled on his chest over his heart that was beating hard for what he just gave her. She had his death warrant. If she rejected him he'd die from it and there was no one standing here who didn't know what the cause of death would be. It was nothing at all the way a warrior should be. But he knew it was exactly how a husband should be. He was about to put his arms around her when he felt her go stiff and lean back. "But you rode out with her?" Never let anyone say Io was less than thorough. "You rode out with her many times."