Dear Delilah (Hudson U)

by T. Bester

  And I could probably get used to it.

  “Nate?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Where’d you go?”

  “Sorry. Got distracted.”

  “You know you can talk to me right? I may be your little sister, but I love you a whole lot.”

  My mouth tips into a half-smile. “I know, Bean. And I love you too. I’m just….I’m not sure she wants to give me a second chance, even if she can forgive me.”

  “We all deserve second chances, Nate. Even when we think we don’t.”

  “You sound like you know something about that,” I reply quietly.

  Zoey’s eyes glisten, and she gives me a sad smile. Zoey doesn’t do sad. “I’m a mess, Nate.”

  When her tears start falling, I pull my truck over and wrap her in a hug. “C’mon, Zo. It can’t be that bad. Mom and Dad will support you, no matter what. And so will I. You’ll find what makes your heart happy.”

  She shakes her head against my chest and then lifts her head, whipping away her tears. “I feel lost. Like I’m just treading water while life passes me by. And I’m scared of failing again.”

  I hold her shoulders, and meet her gaze. “You, Zoey Anne Penn, have not failed. You’re just hitting a few bumps in the road, and that’s normal. You just have to rub the dirt off yourself, and get back up.”

  “Yeah.” Zoey puffs out a laugh. “I think I’m ready to start over.”

  “I’m right here, Bean. Every step of the way.”

  And I am. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Zoey, and I have a feeling that having her home is going to help me too.

  “Can we go now? I’m freezing my ass off and I need to sleep.”

  I smile, and get back on the road. “You’ll have to crash at my place until your bed arrives.”

  “That’s fine… And Nate?”

  “Yeah?”

  “We have to tell Savannah.”

  “I know,” I sigh.

  “I can’t wait to meet her in person.”

  My insides twist. “You’ll love her. She’s pretty great.”

  “She has to be if you care so much.”

  “I do care.” Which is why I have to give her the time and space she needs, no matter how much it sucks for me. “I’m just not sure it’s enough right now.”

  “Then you work on it until it is enough.” I glance at my sister, and realize that she’s grown up. “And you have to start by forgiving yourself for being a butthead.”

  That cracks the solemn mood and I’ve never been more grateful.

  “Have you forgiven me for being a butthead?”

  Zoey lifts her shoulders. “I don’t know yet. It depends on how big my new closet is.”

  I throw my head back, and laugh. It feels good to be around Zoey again. I’m always in big brother mode when I’m with her, but right now it feels good to just be myself, even if I am a butthead.

  AFTER I DROP Zoey off at my place, I decide to head to the office. Sleeping now would be pointless, and the more I can get done before Zoey’s new furniture gets delivered, the more time I’ll have to help her move in and get settled. My hands itch to grab my phone and call Savannah, the same itch I’ve had since I walked out on her weeks ago. Biggest mistake of my life and it’s a mistake I live with every day.

  The office is quiet when I arrive and I get straight to work on some photographs that need editing before the paper is sent to print. It’s a good distraction, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy my work. By the time I’m done, three hours have passed and when I look up, the office is bustling with people I hadn’t even noticed until now. I print out the images, and take them to Toby. He’s in his office, staring at something on his screen.

  “I have those images you wanted,” I tell him. I drop down into the chair opposite his desk as he looks up.

  “Please, Nate. Come in. No need to knock.”

  I raise my brows. “Someone got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.”

  He huffs out a breath. “Sorry.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “I got into a fight with Griff. Some of the guys from the Frat house have been bothering me in class, and he got mad because I didn’t tell him.”

  Toby and I were in the same Frat house until last year. He was voted out after he announced that he’s a homosexual and some of the guys have been less than kind since then. Toby is one of my closest friends, so when he left, I did too. My loyalty to him has never been dependent on his sexuality, and that’s not going to change. But it fucks me off to know he’s still getting shit for it. So much for Brotherhood. It’s a damn joke.

  “I don’t blame him. You shouldn’t have to put up with that shit.”

  “I’m a big boy, Nate. I can take care of myself. Besides, they’re all a bunch of narrow-minded homophobes and what they say really doesn’t matter.”

  It’s the last part of his statement that lacks conviction. The expression on his face tells me just how much what they say matters. Toby is a good guy, and like everyone else, he deserves to be happy.

  “You’ll let me know if they keep bothering you?”

  That gets me an eye roll. “What is it with you and Griff? You’re such cavemen. If I had told him when it happened, he would have gotten into a fight, and I think he gets into enough of those.”

  “Is he still fighting?”

  “Yeah. He leaves at all hours of the night whenever there’s an event, and it’s driving me crazy. He refuses to stop though, and that’s another thing we’ve been fighting about.”

  Griffin is a fighter, has been since I’ve known him, but his fights are not always sanctioned and of all the arguments him and Toby have had, his fighting is always the biggest source of contention. But whatever, I don’t judge. Griffin is still good people, and man, he’s a force to be reckoned with. Just like his sister.

  “Anyway,” says Toby. He leans back in his seat. “I need a favor.”

  “Anything. Unless you need me to hide a body. You’re on your own there.”

  “Please, everybody knows I watch enough episodes of Bones to know exactly how to discard of a body. But no, that’s not what I need. This ‘Ask Annie’ thing…”

  “What about it? I thought you had to kill it after Gina left.”

  ‘Ask Annie’ is the paper’s sex column, and before Toby’s Dad bought the paper, it was dwindling. For whatever reason, he wanted to revive it, but the girl who wrote it left last year. I didn’t know he was looking for someone else to take it over, and even if he was, it was going to be difficult to find someone willing to do it. Our ‘Ask Annie’ column has been associated with quite a bit of controversy, and before Gina left, a bunch of letters were leaked to the public, revealing the identities of the few girls who had the courage to write in. After that, the University decided to do away with it, and if it weren’t for Toby’s Dad, the entire paper would have also been done away with.

  “I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve decided to bring it back, under a new name of course. And I have someone in mind, who I think will be a good fit for the column. But she needs a little convincing.”

  I sit up, not at all like liking where this is going.

  “Who have you asked to do it?”

  Toby hesitates, and then says, “Savannah.”

  For a moment, I’m silent.

  “Why would you ask her to do it?”

  I can’t imagine for a second that Savannah would say yes to such a thing. She’s too shy about sex. I would know.

  “Well, everyone else is busy with their own things, and with our limited budget at the moment, it’s easier to find someone in-house. It wouldn’t make sense to find someone new. We need the identity of our columnist to remain withheld from the public, someone who isn’t likely to tell the whole world who they are.”

  “Even so, Sav would never agree to it. And she’s not a writer.”

  “No, maybe not, but we need someone the female students can relate to on an experiential level, Nathan
. Someone who is writing about her experience as it happens.”

  “That makes no sense.” I want to add that Savannah also lacks the sexual experience to write about, but that would be in poor taste on my end. I’m not a douchebag like that.

  “It makes perfect sense,” counters Toby. “Who better to write about the college girl’s life than a college girl.”

  “You forget that ‘Ask Annie’ is not your run of the mill college column. It’s mostly advice about relationships and sex, Toby. Sex.”

  “No, really? I had no idea,” Toby deadpans. “I get that she’s not the most conventional choice, but I’d be lying if I said my motivation is strictly professional.”

  “You’re either braver than I thought, or dumber than I thought. Or maybe you just have a death wish.”

  Toby grins, and then his expression turns thoughtful. “I love Sav. She’s like a little sister to me, but she needs to spread her wings and she’s the kind of girl who will only fly once you’ve literally pushed her out of the nest.”

  I have a bad feeling about this. “I think interfering with how she lives her life is a dangerous move, man. Does Griffin know what you are up to?”

  “Please.” Toby waves me off. “We don’t need another thing to fight about. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

  I shake my head, and chuckle. “You are playing with fire. And I think it’s a terrible idea, in case you wanted my opinion.”

  “I don’t want your opinion…but I do want your help.”

  “How can I help?”

  Toby’s smile is mischievous, and it makes my stomach drop.

  Fuck.

  “No.” I shake my head. “Absolutely not.”

  “I haven’t even asked you yet.”

  “I know you. You’re going to ask me to help her.”

  Toby leans back in his chair looking far to smug for my liking. He’s practically gloating, like he’s already won.

  “Well, I was actually going to ask you to convince her, but now that you mention it…. Maybe having someone with your expertise-"

  I scowl. “Hell to the fucking no.”

  If I’m so adamant about not doing it, then why am I considering it?

  So much for not being a douche. Helping Savannah means a chance to spend time with her so…

  “You can’t say no to your Boss, Nate. If I tell you to do it, then you have to.” I open my mouth, ready to refuse such a harebrained suggestion, but when nothing comes out, he smirks. “Well, I’ll be damned, you’re actually thinking about it.”

  I stand. “I can’t do it.”

  “I don’t understand why, Nate. You can’t tell me you don’t want to spend the time with her.”

  I scowl, hating that Toby, my friend, would even bring that up when he knows it’s a sore spot. He knows I would give my left nut to spend time with Sav again, but helping her with ‘Ask Annie’ is not at all what I had in mind.

  But again, I’m an asshole.

  Because Toby’s right - I am totally fucking thinking about it.

  6

  SAVANNAH

  “ARE you sure you’re going to be okay driving in this weather? You could always stay another night.”

  I toss my messenger bag into the backseat of my Mini, and give my Mom a sad smile. “I promise, I’ll be fine, Mom. I’ll call you every 30 minutes, if it will make you feel better.” It’s only two hours, maybe three in this weather. “But I wouldn’t be able to stay, even if I wanted to. Zoey texted me to let me know she’s at the apartment, and I have to go into the office before my afternoon classes.”

  She waves me off, her delicate hands encased a pair of mittens. “Oh phooey, who needs a degree? You can just move back home where I can feed you and look after you…” Her words trail off when I quirk a brow.

  “Mom, I’m only two hours away.”

  “I know honey,” she sighs, a puff of white air billowing in front of her face. “I just worry about you.”

  If I didn’t know my Mom so well, I would probably buy what she’s obviously trying to sell, but she’s the one who encouraged both me and Griffin to see the world, and find our feet. Between her and my Dad, she is the most liberal, all for making colossal mistakes if it means you learn from them. It’s all about the experience for Mom, a trait I, unfortunately, did not inherit.

  I purse my lips. “He spoke to you didn’t he.”

  Mom opens her mouth, ready to argue but when I quirk a brow, calling bullshit, her expression softens, and she steps closer. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you-"

  I cut her off. “It’s done, Mom. I’m over it.” I’m a terrible liar, but if there’s one thing I hate more than feeling sorry for myself, it’s having my Mom interfere, even if she means well. I cried myself to sleep last night, and promised myself that when I woke up, I would start over and forget about what happened with Nathan. Wallowing is just…sad. And I’m so tired of being sad. “We were friends, and now we’re not. It happens, people grow apart, they change. End of story.”

  I regret the words as soon as they fall from my lips, but only because I’m being snippy with my Mom. Lucky for me, she doesn’t take it personally. She simply pulls me into a hug, and her comfort is enough to negate the irritation I was feeling only seconds ago.

  “You can always talk to me, you know that. I might know a thing or two about boys, and their various levels of stupid.” I giggle at that, grateful that it’s a little too early for my Dad to be awake. Mom was up before I was and by the time I made it downstairs, she’d started my car and packed me some breakfast bagels for the road. Unnecessary, but nonetheless appreciated. “And before you go making any irrational decisions regarding that boy, read this…” She hands me a piece of folded paper. “When you’re ready,” she adds quietly.

  I stick the paper in my coat pocket and adjust my glasses. “I’d better get going. Call you later?”

  Mom’s smile is gentle. “Drive safe, baby.” She starts backing up to the front door. “I love you.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  I climb in and wave goodbye as I edge my car down the driveway. It’s only when the inn is out of view that I pull over, and take the letter from my pocket. I fiddle with it, trying to decide whether to open it, weighing up the pros and cons until it’s my curiosity and sickening need for self-punishment that wins out.

  My chest feels tight as my fingers brush over his beautiful, messy scribble. I shouldn’t have opened it. It only reminds me that the crossroads I thought I’d so expertly navigated was in fact just that, a crossroad. And I can lie to my Mom all I want about being over it, but there is one person I can’t fool. Or escape.

  Myself.

  I shove the letter into the glove compartment and turn onto the road leading back to Hudson. I think about Nathan and his stupid letter and all it does is stir the anger and rejection that he left me with in place of our friendship. But it also dredges up everything I don’t want to face, moments and memories that I want to shove into a box and throw away. Far away. It’s a temporary fix, but for now, it’s a necessary evil.

  By the time I make it to campus, I’m feeling marginally better. I received a text from Zoey to let me know that she was on her way to our new apartment, and the excitement boosts my mood, so much so that I all but bounce into the office. I have an hour until my first class so I dump my messenger bag at my desk, and check my emails before picking up a few orders from the coffee shop. I’m walking to Toby’s office, his favorite Caramel Frappuccino in hand, but stop short when I hear him talking. His office door is open, but I only inch close enough to hear him without being seen.

  “Hell to the fucking no,” comes Nathan’s voice. I don’t have to see to know it’s him, I’d know his voice anywhere.

  “You can’t say no to your Boss, Nate. If I tell you to do it, then you have to.” There’s a brief pause before he adds, “Well, I’ll be damned, you’re actually thinking about it.”

  I frown, wondering what they’re talkin
g about. Toby isn’t the kind of guy to pull the Boss card, so to hear him doing it now more than irks me. I should leave, considering eavesdropping without being caught has never been one of my virtues, but before I can, Nathan blasts past me. His face is drawn tight, and when his eyes land on me, I swear they darken.

  “Hey.” I push away from the wall. “What’s wrong?”

  He opens his mouth, and then shakes his head before stalking away, both his demeanor and posture radiating tension. Every part of me aches to go after him, find out what’s wrong, but that would put me back at square one, a place that will leave me exposed again. I’m not sure I can handle his rejection again when I’m still putting myself together after the first time. I step into Toby’s office, and pass him his Frappe.

  “What was that about?”

  Toby leans back in his chair, and lets out a heavy breath. “Just a little disagreement. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  I don’t quite believe him, but push the worry aside. “Is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?”

  Without saying anything, Toby pushes a file in front of me, and then explains, “Research. For the ‘Ask Annie’ column.”

  “Research?”

  After everything that happened with Nathan yesterday, I completely forgot about the column.

  “I know you’re on the fence about it, Sav. But without you, I have to cut it and we can’t afford that.”

  I purse my lips, clutching the papers in my hand. “And there’s really no one else who can do it?”

  “Not unless we hire someone else, and the paper doesn’t exactly have the budget,” he pauses, “just read the research, and give it a try. You might actually like it.”

  Doubtful, but I still feel like I have something to prove here. I might not be sure what I want to do with my life, but if this is an opportunity to be promoted from intern, then I’d be stupid to turn it down. Wouldn’t I?

  “You’re basically telling me I don’t have a choice.”

  Toby looks at me thoughtfully, resting his elbows on his desk. “I’m asking you to try, Sav. That’s all.”