by T. Bester
I startle, and find a cheerleader looking at me, bemused. She just caught me checking Nathan out. Whoops.
She smiles, but it’s not friendly. “This is a private photoshoot.” She flips her vibrant red hair over her shoulder, and arches a perfectly shaped brow. “You can’t be in here.”
“I’m here to see Nathan,” I blurt out. Girls like this do not intimidate me, but the way her gaze flits between me and Nathan and then back to me, makes it pretty damn obvious that she’s not pleased with my presence. Or maybe it’s the way I was staring at Nathan that’s got her so bothered. Either way, I’m here for a reason.
“Honey, don’t waste your time. He’s not interested.”
And we have a smart one here, folks. Real Einstein. I frown. “I’m from the paper. I’m here to fetch proofs for Toby.”
“That’s a new one.” Her grin is patronizing, and I realize she thinks I’m lying.
“Can you tell him Savannah is here? He’ll know who it is. I have class in-”
She cuts me off with a wave of her hand, and rolls her eyes with enough force. I’m sure she got a glimpse of her brain. “If you say so.”
I watch from the door as she sashays towards Nathan, whispers something in his ear, and then walks back over to where the remaining cheerleaders wait. I don’t know how long the shoot is supposed to be, but it’s easy to surmise that they’re only here to watch the football players, since their shoot has already come and gone. Nathan gives her a smile, and glances in my direction, but just as quickly looks away, his attention back on the team. Red giggles, and strolls back to her friends, not sparing me another glance. Of course, it’s not her rebuff that leaves me winded. Even so, I can’t leave without those proofs.
So I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Over an hour later, I hear Nathan finally calling a wrap. I stand from my spot on the floor, and when he packs his bag for the remainder of the day, I see the red head fall into step beside him, fluttering her long-ass fake lashes at him. She’s been waiting for him almost as long as I have. He laughs at something she says, looks down at her when she wraps delicate fingers around his bicep, and the entire scene makes me feel off-balance.
“Nathan.”
He lifts his gaze, slightly nonplussed. “Savannah, hey. What are you doing here?”
“Toby asked me to get the proofs from you, from the first shoot. I thought you knew I was here.”
“I had no idea.” It’s only when I catch the smirk on Red’s face that it clicks. She didn’t tell Nathan I was here like I’d asked her to.
He glances at his watch. “I’m sorry you wasted your time. I told him I’d bring them in myself as soon as I was done.”
I know for a fact that’s not true. I checked my phone a thousand times, and had nothing from Toby relaying that message. I’ve already missed my second class for today, waiting here.
Nathan purposefully ignores my silence, and quickly adds, “We have to go, but I’ll, uh, see you around.”
“But, I’ve been waiting for over an hour, Nate. And I’ve missed two classes already.”
He shrugs, and starts towards the exit of the building. “I said I was sorry, Savvy. Toby should have let you know. Take it up with him.”
With that, he walks out.
I’m still standing there a few minutes later when Brian enters the studio, dressed in half his kit, and a Hudson University hoodie that covers his upper body.
“Hey, Sav. Didn’t think I’d be seeing you here today.”
“Hey, Brian. I was supposed to get something for Toby, but Nathan said he’ll take it.”
Brian’s brows furrow, and he looks at the door, his expression puzzled. “You just missed him.”
“He actually just left with one of the cheerleaders.”
“And you waited for him all this time?”
“Yeah.” And I feel silly. “But it’s fine. I’m about to head home.” I should have left the moment I realized I couldn’t get access to the building. But, what’s done is done, and lamenting on it isn’t going to change it.
Brian gestures towards the door, and leads me out. “Let me walk you to your car.”
“You don’t have to, really.”
He clucks his tongue. “Nonsense. What kind of man would I be if I let you walk all the way across campus on your own in this weather?”
I almost blurt out “Nathan” but think better of it because Brian is one of Nathan’s closest friends, and it would be in poor taste on my end. Besides, I asked Nathan for space, and he’s giving it to me, so why should I be mad that he waltzed out of here with another girl after waiting for him? I shouldn’t be. I should be upset with Toby, for wasting my time, but instead, I’m more annoyed with Nathan. Ugh. This shit is too complicated. Not to mention exhausting.
“So,” Brian falls into step with me. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
I hesitate, and then decide to feed him the same story I fed Erin. “I’ve been really busy. Classes are already a little crazy, and I’ve been busy with my move.”
“And avoiding Nathan?”
Well, so much for feeding him bullshit. It’s an odd relief though, to have someone call it like it is and not expect me to put on a brave face when really, I’m floundering. I don’t know how to live a life without Nathan in it, which I find rather sad. I was fine before he forced himself into my life, before he rooted himself inside my very being. And now, we’re nothing.
“Guess you could say that.” I let out a small laugh, my breath billowing amidst the spattering of snow that has started to fall.
“You know, I’m your friend too, Savannah.”
“I know, it’s just…”
“Hard,” Brian finishes. “I get it. But for what it’s worth, he really cares about you.”
Doesn’t feel that way right now, I add silently. And who’s fault is that?
“Can I be honest?”
Brian looks down at me, his gaze warm and sincere. Erin has herself a keeper. “Of course.”
“I don’t know how to be around him. It’s not like I can avoid him entirely. I just moved in with his sister, and we work together…” I let my words trail off, feeling like a weight has been lifted. This is the thought that kept me awake the night before, and until now, I haven’t been able to say it, out loud.
“So, did he, uh, talk to you about us?”
“No, but it’s not hard for me to figure out what happened. You two were attached at the hip for months, and then suddenly you weren’t. I put the pieces together. Nathan would never talk to me about that kind of stuff, especially where you’re concerned. He’s far too protective.”
My insides twist, remembering just how protective Nathan could be. “It feels like a mess now. We’re not even friends, but I miss him. So much.”
Brian expels a heavy breath, his eyes alight with understanding and compassion. “My advice? Live your life, do what makes you happy and if things are meant to change, trust that they will.” Talk about profound and unexpected. “Nate is…” He hesitates, as if to reconsider what he wants to say. “Nate misses you, but you asked him for space and you can’t get mad when he moves on, so to speak. He can’t put his life on hold while you get your shit together. That’s not fair on either of you.” I open my mouth, but Brain shakes his head, silencing me. “Now, I’m not saying that what he did was right, don’t get me wrong. He was a total dick, and he should have handled things with you better, but you’re going to have to deal with seeing him every day, and decide how you want that to affect you.” — I hate that he’s right — “For what it’s worth, I think you guys will work it out, but that will only come when you decide, wholeheartedly, what it is you want.” He gives me a rueful smile, just as we reach my car. “It’s okay if you have no idea what that is yet, you know. That’s what college is about, finding yourself, learning about who you are and what you want.”
“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
“I’ve made my fair share of mistakes.”
I laugh. “You’re not a whole lot older than I am, Bri.” Which is true. He’s only three years older than I am, a senior in college, and yet he speaks with the wisdom of a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants out of life. He also makes it sound easy.
“Maybe not, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I have weathered the storms. You should speak to Erin some time, she can tell you about every fuck up I made when it came to her and our relationship. We didn’t start out any different to how you and Nate did, we were just in high school when things changed for us. And let me tell you, I behaved worse than Nate did. It took Erin a long time to forgive me, but by the time she did, I was a better man for it. Nothing good in this life comes easy, Sav. But you have to enjoy the journey, even if it comes with a few scrapes and bruises.”
I lean against my car, mulling over every word, allowing it to sink in.
Brian’s phone rings, and his grin tells me who’s calling. “Hey, baby… yeah, I’m on my way now…The shoot is done, but I walked Savannah to her car…Okay…I’ll see you in 10.”
He clicks end, and then pulls me into a bear hug.
“You’re going to be just fine, Sav. I promise. Until then, you do what makes you happy, and the rest will fall into place.” He kisses my cheek. “And if you need to talk, you can call me, okay? And Erin.” He puts me back on my feet. “And for God’s sake, please take her out on a girl’s night or a spa day or hell, a girl’s weekend. Woman is driving me crazy.”
I snicker. “She said the same thing about you.”
“Is that so? I’ll be sure to take that up with her later.” He picks up his duffle bag, and opens my car door. “And remember what I said, you can talk to me, or Erin, any time. We’re your friends too.”
I give him a smile. “Thanks, Bri. It means a lot.”
“Any time, babe.” He shuts my door, and waits for me to leave the parking lot before heading for the Student Union. This day has been a total bust, but I take to heart what Brian has said.
I will just live my life, and let everything else fall into place.
But it’s never really that simple, is it?
I don’t believe it is.
9
SAVANNAH
I FROWN AT THE ‘ASSIGNMENT’ Toby gave me and try to make sense of what it is exactly he wants me to do with it. It’s not a reader’s question, or any question really, but rather an in depth analysis of the female orgasm.
Yes. You read that correctly.
The female orgasm.
The ever elusive ‘O’.
God. Remind me why I said yes to this madness?
Right. Because some poor girl out there needs my help, and what better place to start than the orgasm. Except, I’ve only experienced it once, and even then I was a little too preoccupied with the feel of Nathan’s body on top of mine to really pay attention to what my vagina was doing. I mean, other than stretching for Nathan’s - enough.
Concentrate, Savannah.
Shit.
Okay.
I can totally do this.
With one final glance at the piece of paper in my hand, I scrunch it up and toss it in the trashcan beside my bed. If I’m going to do this, it needs to be my way, even if I have to learn as I go.
So, I start where any sane girl would. Google.
I type in, the female orgasm, and scan the results until I find something based on legitimate research and not some new age crap about aligning your heart ‘chakra’ with your vaginal ‘chakra’. A poll of 12, 925 undergrad students from 10 different universities across the country and what they call the orgasm gap catches my attention.
Basically, it’s ‘orgasmic inequality’.
The reality that men are more likely to orgasm during sex, while their partners are left to fake it or finish after he’s got his. Under normal circumstances, I would laugh it off, but if I’m honest, I keep reading because I find it interesting, if not a little infuriating.
I mean, why is it that women are not getting their rocks off during-
“Why are you googling the female orgasm?”
I scream. “Jesus, Zoey!” I slam my laptop closed, my heart beating in my ears. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
She snickers, and leans her hip on my desk. “Your door is open. I thought I’d surprise you, and by the looks of it, I have.”
My cheeks warm. “I was just reading about-”
“The female orgasm. I know.”
God. Just kill me now. Please.
“It’s nothing,” I mutter. I stand, and make a show of getting ready for bed, even though it’s barely past eight p.m. I’d come home after my chat with Brian and after a hot bath, decided to distract myself with something. And since Zoey was out, I figured I’d be safe to just focus on the assignment from Toby. Clearly, I was wrong, and now Zoey’s looking at me with a devilish smirk, and a raised brow.
“You know, if you have a thing for porn, that’s-”
“Oh, my God, NO! Zo, that’s not what I was doing. Not even close!”
She raises her hands. “Hey, I’m not here to judge. Let your freak flag fly, sister.” Her amusement is not helping my case, or helping me feel better.
“It’s not what you think,” I insist. “I was just…” I hesitate, knowing full well that, technically, I’m not allowed to give away my identity as Dear Delilah. Toby promised me anonymity and that includes me keeping my mouth shut about the column. But, I also don’t want Zoey thinking I’m some porno freak who gets off on watching other people bumping uglies. Not that there’s anything wrong with people who are into that kind of thing — Shut up, Sav! — “I was doing research, okay? Research. For the paper.” Vague enough, but Zoey is unappeased by my explanation.
“If you say so.” She spins on her heel, and I’m quick to follow, determined to have this cleared up before I research anything else that will make me look crazy. She stops in her room, and slips her boots from her feet.
“Seriously, it’s not what you think, okay?” Why the thought of her thinking otherwise bothers me so much, I don’t know, so I go for the truth, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. “Toby asked me to write the sex advice column for the paper.”
Zoey stops short, her eyes wide. “He did what now?”
“I’m being serious. He gave me my first assignment today. That’s what I was researching.”
Zoey stares at me a little longer, until her gaze makes me shift on my feet. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone it’s me,” I add quietly.
“And you said yes?” she asks, dubious.
I flop down onto her bed. “Well, kind of. He said the paper doesn’t have the budget to get someone new, and all the other journalists are too busy, so he asked me.” Asked is putting it lightly, but that’s either here nor there.
I wait a few seconds, hoping she’ll say something, and then her face splits into a grin, her full lips baring pearly white teeth. Zoey is a stunner, with vivacious red hair that touches her shoulders, and blue eyes, so light and clear and right now they look somewhat excited.
“This is so cool!” She sits down on her bed, and faces me. “So, what are you going to write about?”
Talk about a change in tack. I relax, and silently thank the Pope that Zoey isn’t laughing at me. Lord knows that if the roles were reversed, I would be.
“From what I understand, students, mostly female, are going to write in and I have to answer their questions. But the first assignment is what he chose. I’m not entirely sure yet how it’s going to work, or if I can even do it, but Toby seems to think I’m perfect for it.” Wherever he got that foolish idea is still beyond me. “He hasn’t given me a whole lot of information about the technicalities, just a whole bunch of research on female sexuality.”
“Why do you look,” she pauses, searching for the right word. “Traumatized by the idea?”
“Because most of the time, the women who write these columns have the experi
ence necessary to give good advice, Zo. I’m clueless.”
I know I agreed to write the column, and I’ve committed to it, but that doesn’t mean the doubts don’t swim around my head. “And if the column fails it will be because people will know I’m a fraud.”
“So, have a little fun with it and get experience. They always say we learn best by doing.”
“Be serious, Zoey!”
“I am. You should get someone to help you, a sexy boy toy who can show you all the moves. That’s what I would do.”
“Oh yeah, because just about any guy would agree to sleep with me just so that I can write about it,” I huff.
“Uh, hell yeah they would, and you know it. You know they’re always bragging about the amount of sex they have. Too bad us girls can’t do the same thing, huh?”
“That’s why I agreed to do it,” I reply. “Because there’s one set of rules for guys, and another set for girls.”
Zoey raises her hand. “Preach it!”
I snicker, and she jumps up from the bed. “I think you should do it. Sav. Do it for the girls, you know? How hard could it be?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I quip. “I’ve only seen it once-” I slap my hand over my mouth, mortified. Zoey’s eyes round.
“Oh, my god,” she laughs. “Your first sex joke!” Her laughter dies a quick and painful death. “And you were talking about my brother!”
“No, I wasn’t, I was-”
“Nah uh, you get one free pass and that was it.”
Wait a minute. How did she… “You know?”
Zoey’s face says it all, but of all the things I feel, mad is not one of them. I fall back onto Zoey’s bed, and cover my face with my hands. The bed dips.
“He didn’t tell me, Sav. I sort of guessed when he called me after you left. And if it’s any consolation, I ignored him for a week afterwards for being such a tool.” She pries my hands from my face. “Are you mad?”
I heave out a breath. “I thought I would be, I mean I was embarrassed when I found out Toby knows, but for some asinine reason I’m glad Nathan had you to talk to. Despite what he did, I still worry about him. Stupid, right? To care about someone who hurt you?”