“You slept with him, didn’t you?” The microwave beeps it’s annoying, nagging sound. She takes the brown, puffed up bag out of the little white oven and slams the door shut.
“You’re gonna wake up Riley! Knock it off.”
“Well?” she says, tapping her foot like she does when she’s pissed off. She rips open the bag and shoves a steaming handful of popcorn into her mouth.
“No. I never slept with him. It’s not like that.” Her eyebrows come up in that expression that means she’s really about to go off. Another handful of popcorn, more foot tapping.
“Gah!” she says, and starts pacing. “Well, what’s it like, then?” I decide, then, I guess I could tell her some of it.
“He says he feels responsible for me. He’s helping me. He paid Deloris’ salary. He’s insisting on Manny staying here. He says he wants—I don’t know how to say this.” She stops pacing and her expression softens a little. “He wants to earn the right to be with me.”
She takes a step back and puts her hand up to her heart. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Nope. Not at all.” And I move over to the couch and flop down.
“Earn the right.” She sits crisscross on the old carpet and stares up at me like a puppy waiting for a treat. “He’s in love with you! And you haven’t slept with him yet?”
“No and I’m not going to. We didn’t part on good terms.”
“Why eva’ not?” she questions, in the worst English accent, ever.
“He’s so controlling. He moved me and Riley into his apartment without asking. He drove me there and, like, our stuff’s already there. He paid for a nanny without asking. He forces me to have a body guard with me. He keeps things from me. He—”
“Have you at least kissed him?”
“Yes, but you’re not listening!” I am beyond flustered. I’m making my case and she’s so preoccupied with Kolton that she doesn’t get what I’m saying.
“I would be swooning all over the place if someone, anyone even close to as hot as him, did all that nice stuff for me. And you’re complaining about it!”
“It’s not like that. You don’t understand. He controls everything I do.”
“But, Mia, he’s a rock star. He’s in control of everything in his life. He’s all sex god, cocky, alpha male.” She shivers like she’s having an orgasm. “Of course he’d do the same with you, especially if he cares for you.”
“You don’t understand.” I lean against the back of the couch and breathe out in frustration.
“Is he a good kisser? I mean, I know he’d have to be. But—” she’s motioning with her hands, like, get with the program and tell me already.
“He’s in a league of his own in that department.” I feel a blush coming on and I can’t help but smile. He does know what he’s doing, and then I scowl.
“You’re such a bitch. Why are you making mean faces about his kiss?”
“Because he’s kissed a lot of other people just like he’s kissed me. And done a whole lot more than that.”
“Uh, yeah! He’s Kolton fucking Royce!” her hands went out like, duh! “You’re so jealous. Ohmygod! You’re in love with him, you jealous bitch! Did you at least enjoy it?”
I close my eyes and remember him, the feel of his lips. How his hands knew the right places to be. How he tasted and moved his tongue. I have to shake my head to get out of my daydream. “Yeah. I did.”
“You’re grinning now. I know that devious little smirk. You liked it. So why don’t you sleep with him. It would be fun, right? No strings attached.”
“Oh, no. There’re strings all over that shit. He’s—he’s possessive. The reason we didn’t. I mean there were these two times. He’s the one who stopped it.”
“Why?”
“He said I’m not ready. That it has to be real between us before he touches me. That he wants me to be on birth control. Why am I telling you all this?”
“Why haven’t you told me all this already is my question? Birth control? You’re not already?”
“Yeah. I got an IUD when me and Dean—you know.”
“Well, I would be all over that man, but I wouldn’t do it without a condom. That’s just weird that he wants to do that.”
“All of it’s weird,” I say. “I’m glad we’re apart so I can get some perspective.”
“You always think too much. Sometimes you just need to live. You’re young. You can make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do.”
“That’s not how it is for me, Kaya. I have Riley and almost no money. You know my dad didn’t pay all the insurance and we’ve got just enough to cover the house. I lost their cars. I lost—everything and everyone. You have no idea how that feels.” I’m so jealous of her normalcy. She has this picture perfect little life. Her dad didn’t lose his job. Her dad didn’t get so depressed he turned into a shadow of his former self. Her house is still there with two parents inside it that love her. She’ll never understand.
“I’m sorry,” she says, sitting down with me. She puts her arms around me and snuggles up to my side. “But, you know how when you were little, your dad was really strict and overprotective?”
“Yeah?” I acknowledge.
“Maybe Kolton is kinda triggering that for you. You know? Like how a soldier comes back from war and everything reminds him of when he lost people he loved.” It’s like something clicks in place inside my heart and mind.
“Like, you’re saying, I’m reacting angry toward Kolton because—oh my God! Because my dad used to be too overprotective of me before his depression, and then he stopped caring about any of us.”
“That’s what you’re scared of, I think,” Kaya says. “He reminds you of your dad—who you lost long before the fire took him.” Her words echo through me. I feel them in that wounded part that’s like an open wound deep inside me.
“Kolton, he lost his parents, too.” I admit. “I think that’s why he feels sorry for me.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.
“Or maybe that’s why he feels so close to you.” She gets up and plucks a few tissues out of the box. “You—well, I’m going to be honest.” She hands me the tissues. “You, sometimes, look at the negative instead of the positive.”
“But that’s how I protect myself, Kaya. He wants me; all of me. He’ll consume me, and then when he’s tired of me and ready to move on, I’ll never be the same. Just like—”
“Maybe it’s worth it,” she says. “You can’t know unless you try. Maybe you’ll get the ending you need this time.”
* * *
I’ve been busy playing shows at Old Ironsides, The Blue Lamp, Thunder Valley Casino, and I have a few others scheduled for the coming weeks. Manny comes to every show.
The first time I saw him there, I asked him what was going on. He admitted that Kolton demanded he come back and stay in town with me for the rest of the break. He said he’ll get in trouble if he doesn’t. And, to be honest, it’s nice to have him around.
“You’re up,” Clive says, ushering me into the back door of The Blue Lamp. Since I’m not twenty-one, I’m not allowed inside the bar unless I’m singing. Tonight there are cameras here from News 10.
When the music starts, I open up and sing. I feel that oneness with the audience but there’s one man I wish was here. He’s the one I miss the most, his expression, the emotions reverberating through me as I sang right to him.
It’s been rough. Because I miss Kolton Royce.
Since the show began airing, I’ve started to see a difference in the way I’m treated. There’s a lot more people at my shows. And the people are acting like real fans. They’re even starting to get a little pushy.
KCRA Channel 3 News came to the show I had at Marilyn’s at 12th and K. They interviewed me earlier, shadowed me while I set up my gear, and talked to me after. It’s kind of cool, but weird when I was recognized at Trader Joe’s. I signed an autograph and everything.
And when I see myself on TV, I notice things abo
ut myself I’d never noticed before. Like how I say the word “really” is weird and sometimes I fidget with my hair. I really should stop doing that.
Last night, Kolton sent me this text:
K-Royce Private
10:22 PM
We were born in fire
This love I’ve never known
Don’t ask me to let go
10:50 PM
What’s this?
10:58 PM
The end of your song.
11:02
It’s beautiful. But “LOVE.” Yeah right.
11:05 PM
What do you need to hear? Believe it.
11:08 PM
It’s beautiful. I love it.
There’s nothing else I can say so I go check on Riley. She’s out. Deloris’ light is on; she’s probably reading. For some reason, she didn’t bring her cat. I think she misses him. I’d brought it up and she said Kolton asked her to leave him behind. It seems he likes having him around. I check my phone again. He hasn’t responded to me saying I love the song, and it makes me nervous. What if he gets sick of me pushing him away all the time? I type:
11:58 PM
Call me. Please.
I start to feel desperate, and I’m pacing. When my screen lights up, I press the accept button.
“Hello?”
“What’s wrong?” His voice is like salve over a burn.
“Nothing. I—I just missed you, is all.” I hear something on his end. A voice, a girl’s voice. “Who’s there with you?”
“I’m recording. There’re people here. We’re working.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll let you go.”
“You missed me?” he asks, his voice low and rumbling with desire.
“I just, I feel bad because I haven’t been very thankful for all the stuff you’ve done for me and Riley. And—”
“And you miss me. Tell me again. Say the words.”
“I miss you, Kole.” Did he just moan?
“I almost can’t breathe without you,” he says in a voice so low I have to press my cheek into the screen. “I’ve never felt like this in my whole life. It’s like I’m suffocating. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.” He stops and I’m pacing again, back and forth. “Come home.” His voice like a need I’ve never known I had.
“It’s just—I have shows booked. They’re paying me a lot.” Why did I push him away again? He says the sweetest things to me? Why don’t I trust him? Daddy issue.
“Kolton?” a flowery woman’s voice says off in the distance. “Come on.” She doesn’t sound like work. She sounds like play.
“Just a minute,” he says to her kind of muffled. “Mia, please. Come home.” His voice sounds edgy, nervous.
“Just go play with your toys, Kolton,” I say, pressing ‘end’ on the screen and tossing his phone across the room. Of all the slimy, sex-monster, motherfuckers! I pull the rubber band out of my pocket and pull my hair up.
Pull on my shoes. Grab my keys, my phone, ear buds and run out into the dark night. I feel dirty, sick to my stomach. Of course he’s sleeping around. He probably always has been. And, here I am, thinking about actually sleeping with him, without protection, just because he’s taken some interest in me, because he says the right things, because I feel things with him that I’ve never felt. Because he makes me exposed and raw. Because we have everything in common, and I want a life with him. I pound my anger, my hurt, my feelings of betrayal into the concrete below.
What else had I expected? I knew I’d never be enough.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Slither
When I limp my tired, sore ass back home later that night, I’m still driven by resentment and bitterness. I’m only slightly tired, and that eases some of the ache in my heart. Still sweaty, I pull open my laptop and search “Kolton Royce.” I scroll past all “The Stage Host…” articles and go right to the GOS~P article title, “Back in the saddle again.”
There’s a picture of him in a grey sweatshirt walking into a building. He’s got earbuds in and his hair’s a mess. He looks tired; his eyes are bloodshot.
Probably from all the sex with those walking sex-toys he’s been with since I’ve been gone. I take a breath and remind myself to look for evidence to prove me wrong. Please let me be wrong.
“Back in the saddle again”
10/15/13 12:45 AM PDT BY GOS~P STAFF
Bad boy, Kolton Royce is back in the studio during the break between the taped and live shows of The Stage, the new hit show we’re all loving over here at GOS~P. Rumor has it, he ran into his ex, Katharina Inez, just before this picture was taken. His bodyguard had to fend her off; he still has a restraining order against her. It appears Kolton wasn’t in the mood for any drama. His reps made no concrete comments about the new album, but did say there are more love songs than any previous albums before it.
When asked about the dark-haired mystery girl in the car (yeah, we still haven’t forgotten about her!) he said, “She’s just a friend who needed a ride home.” It sure did seem like a whole lot of chemistry going on it that car. And since he’s still been notably absent from the LA scene, and the king practitioner of transmutation for release of pent up energy, we’re putting our money on Kolton getting ready to settle down. Here at GOS~P, we think it’s super cute that Kolton Royce wants some privacy for his new secret lady.
We’ll be here when he’s ready to tell us all about her. We bet she’s awesome!
I read and re-read the cheeky little piece written yesterday about Kolton’s life while I’ve been gone. There’s nothing about him partying, nothing about him sleeping around. He’s still not seeing Katharina Inez. And they’re still talking about “secret me” being the reason he’s not out partying. But I heard what I heard. There was a playful girl with him asking him to hurry back. He was nervous and didn’t want me to hear.
I’m not a fool. I’m not going to start acting like one now.
I check my phone. Twelve missed calls from that mystery number. I’m not calling him back. I know Kolton’s phone is on the floor somewhere on the other side of the couch. I’m not looking at it right now. I shower and snuggle into the couch. My muscles hurt, my knees hurt, too, so I take some Aspirin and soon I’m off to toss and turn on the couch. The sleep of the restless is no sleep at all.
* * *
It’s Saturday and I’m playing a show at Bistro 33 in Davis. I love their sweet potato fries and the fact I can eat them outside on the patio while I set up my guitar, pedals, mic, and amp. Since I left Kolton’s phone at home, Manny doesn’t miraculously show up until my show starts. He must’ve had to look it up on my Twitter to find out where I was.
It’s always a mellow crowd, but half-way through my set a leggy blonde saunters out and sits down at the second table from the right hand side.
My heartbeat speeds up so fast it’s competing with my ability to breathe. Why is Katharina Inez all the way at the Bistro 33 in Davis? A quick sweat forms instantly on the back of my neck. My eyes dart over to Manny, who stands taller and crosses his arms, making his huge muscles pop out even more, indicating he knows she’s here.
I feel too exposed in this open air concert. I know she’s here for a reason and that reason is me. But why? Does she know? Am I going to have to get a restraining order against her, too?
An older couple stands up to dance, hand-in-hand. They move together in sweeping motions until a few others come up and start to dance, too. My focus is on Katharina. Although I don’t look at her, I’m acutely aware of her presence, of when the waiter brings her a bottle of wine, chilled with ice in a silver bucket; of how she downs the wine, one glass after the other—every sip grating my nerves.
She’s alone. No one comes to sit with her for the entire show. I was hoping it was a coincidence but as I sing the final line of my last song, she stands up, walks through the dispersing crowd and sticks out her long, slender arm to shake my hand. “Hello, Mia. My name’s Katharina Inez,” she says. I’m sitting on a stool, but, even if
I wasn’t, she’d tower over me.
“Uh,” I don’t know what to say back.
Manny comes to stand next to me, but I still don’t feel safe.
“Do you want me to tell her to leave?” Manny asks. I shake my head, but he stays where he is.
“That was great,” she says, ignoring him. “So talented.” Her voice is smooth, her accent pronounced, as she takes my hand in hers and holds it a little too long. “What dark hair you have,” she says. I watch her lips move, but it takes a second for me to understand what she’s said, and what it means.
Dark hair. From the picture of me and Kolton in his car.
“Thank you,” is all I can think to say, as I take my hand away and stand up so she’s not towering over me so much. She doesn’t move back when I do and she’s too close to me. Way too far inside my personal bubble.
“Miss Phoenix?” Manny questions. I put my hand up to tell him I’m okay. I need to find out what she wants.
“You have a little sister, don’t you?” she asks.
“Why do you want to know?” She’d better not threaten Riley. I stiffen, ready to defend myself and Riley.
“Little sisters that you’re raising yourself need a nanny, now, wouldn’t they?” She winks.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I feign innocence. She’s figured out why, when she came to his penthouse, Kolton had Deloris in his house. Deloris said she was Kolton’s nanny. She’s pieced it together.
“I can see what he likes about you,” she whispers, leaning in even closer. “There’s something in the eyes that I like, too.” Then hers move all over me, and she bites her bottom lip, seductively. I feel like little crawly things are all under my skin. I smell her perfume, like too sweet. Like need. Her long hair brushes my hand and I’m frozen in place. Manny puts his hand out and nudges her slightly.
“You need to leave, Miss Inez,” he bellows. She moves backward, slowly, like how a snake slithers its skin just a little at a time.
“Manny, how good to see you,” she says, finally acknowledging him, her voice lighting up as if she’d just seen him at a get-together. “I was just paying my respects to the lady who’s stolen my Kolton’s heart.” She turns her eyes on me. They make me shiver and want to push her face away from me. My hand’s itching to do it.
The Stage (Phoenix Rising #1) Page 17