by Genna Denton
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you don’t care what I say. You don’t even hear me. I’m just supposed to do what you say. You don’t want me to question, or think about right or wrong, or other people’s feelings. I mean, that’s what you do, right, Dad? That’s how you wound up being a freaking high school football coach. Wow. Impressive.”
“Where is this coming from?”
Alex laughed. Could his dad really be that blind? “Do you ever ask yourself what I want? Has it ever once occurred to you that I don’t want to do any of this? I don’t even like football! I think it’s the most pointless game ever and I don’t want to play in college, and I definitely don’t want to go pro like you have planned. All I want to do is quit.”
“Quit?” At that, Allen started laughing. “I didn’t raise a quitter.”
“No, you raised a robot.”
Alex grabbed his duffle from the floor and slung it over his shoulder, dodging past his father. He heard him call after him, but he was too fed up to care. He didn’t want to go home and have his dad cut into him even more so he figured he’d cruise around town and see where his car took him.
***
Gage gently pulled his sleeping daughter from her car seat and climbed the stairs to his apartment. He balanced her on his chest so she wouldn’t wake up. “It’s okay, we’ll be home in a minute, then you’ll be able to sleep in your nice comfy bed,” Gage said softly. He rounded the corner, heading for his door, then saw Kelly. She was sitting on the floor next to his doorway with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head buried. “Kelly?”
Her head shot up, revealing tear-stained cheeks and runny eye-makeup. “Hi…” She stood unsteadily to her feet. “I was up all night thinking about group yesterday…I just need someone to talk to. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t be here.”
“It’s okay.” He unlocked his door and showed her inside. “Just let me put Lizzie to bed and we’ll talk, okay? Help yourself to a drink.”
Taking Lizzie to her room, he quickly went through the routine of getting her settled for bed. On his way out the door, he turned the night light on before closing the door almost all the way. When he entered the living room, he saw Kelly sitting on the sofa, nervously folding and unfolding her hands the way she always did when she was afraid. He sat down next to her. “Are you okay?”
She shook her head, still keeping her gaze on her hands. “Alex has this habit of just climbing in my window whenever he feels the need to talk. The other night he came in while I was looking at some old pictures. Anyway…the whole thing just got me really upset, you know? I just wanted to come over here the second he left.”
Gage placed his hand on her knee in a gesture that was meant to be purely comforting. “You could have.”
Taking a deep breath, she turned to face him. “That’s when I realized…any time something goes wrong, my first instinct is to come here, to you. I don’t know when I started feeling that way. I just know that you…you get me. You don’t expect anything, you don’t want anything. You have no ulterior motives. You’re just always there for me, no questions asked. I don’t think you realize how…freeing that is.” Bringing a hand to her face, he used his thumb to wipe away her tears. She raised her hand to touch his and smiled a little. “You were the one who gave me the courage to tell my mom what happened. Seeing how you interact with Lizzie restores my faith in guys. You’re just…”
Her words trailed off and the sentence hung in the air unfinished. As she leaned closer, something in the atmosphere shifted. Her honey-vanilla shampoo filled his senses, intoxicating him. When her soft fingertips grazed against his skin, she paralyzed him as she closed her mouth over his. A current charged through his body, a fierce, vicious, and delightful sensation that made him lose all control. The craving he’d so carefully tucked away boiled over inside him and shoved him over the edge.
He shouldn’t care about her, he shouldn’t want this. They were completely different and yet they had so much in common. And as he pulled her close, losing himself in her kiss, he couldn’t think of a single reason they shouldn’t be together. Cupping her face in his hands, he felt the smoothness of her skin slide under his as he broke his lips away from hers and took a shaky breath.
She was smiling, a dreamy kind of smile, as if he’d just answered every question she’d wanted to ask. He slipped his fingers through her hair in just an excuse to touch her, and that’s when the overhead light glinted off his wedding band.
Peyton. How could he have forgotten her so easily?
Kelly brought her hand to his, tracing the outline of his ring with her fingertip. “She’s gone, Gage. She’s not coming back.”
Normally, those words would send him into a violent rage. Now, they just made him want to cry. “I know. I just feel like…like I’m betraying Lizzie somehow.”
She waited, still sitting close to him. Too close. He stood up, putting some distance between them. “If things were different…” he started, then realized how stupid that sounded. “It’s just, I’ve got work, and Lizzie, and…”
“Peyton?”
Of course Kelly would know his rejection was about Peyton, no matter how hard he tried to cover it. She sat there, with that understanding and patient look on her face. “Gage, I’m scared, too. How I feel about you…it’s intense. Alarming even. But I trust you, and that helps.”
He swallowed hard, biting his lower lip as he tried to think of a way to let her down easy. He didn’t want to admit that this was completely about Peyton. He’d loved her, married her, and then watched her die in his arms. Getting back in the dating pool after that was just something he never wanted to do. “Lizzie and I are moving.”
She stared at him, as if his words sounded foreign and unintelligible. “Moving? Since when?”
“It’s always been the plan. There’s too much…there’s just too much pain here. I want Lizzie to grow up as undamaged as possible, and she can’t do that in a town where her mother killed two kids and a teacher.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, keeping his gaze downward. He didn’t want to look into her eyes and see if he’d hurt her. He didn’t know if he could handle causing her pain. “The court ordered twelve therapy sessions. There are only five left. When I’m done with them, Lizzie and I are moving to Charlotte.”
Kelly stood up, moving closer to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s none of your business.” He flinched at how cold he sounded, at the way the words made her stop in her tracks. “You’re a great girl, Kelly, and any guy would be lucky to have you. I’m just…not the guy for you.”
He could see tears build in her eyes, but she turned away from him before he could see them fall. He was grateful for that.
She stood, still and quiet, for what seemed like an hour. “I’m sorry.” She was composed when she turned back around to face him. Edging toward the door, she gave him a strangled-looking smile that wasn’t the least bit convincing. “I get it. I do.” Reaching the door, she wrapped her fingers around the knob, twisted, and pulled, but it didn’t open. It was locked—he always locked the door; it was just a safety-habit—but now, he wished he’d left it wide open. Seeing Kelly trying so hard to seem unaffected was gut-wrenching and he wanted her gone.
With a frustrated sigh that sounded a lot like a sob, she fumbled with the lock. “This was all just a big, dumb mistake. A moment of weakness…you know. I get like that. Attached too easily, I mean…it’s probably how the whole Alex thing happened.” She clamped her mouth shut when she realized she was rambling. Finally opening the door, she slipped out into the hallway. “Let’s just forget about it. Pretend it never happened. Okay?”
He walked over, grabbing the doorknob. As he looked at her, seeing the flicker of hope mixed with the pain in her eyes, the urge to pull her to him overcame him. He could do it—kiss her again, tell her he didn’t mean what he’d said and that it was just a lame attempt to be tough. He could promise to be a bette
r boyfriend than Alex, better than he’d been to Peyton. If he wanted, he’d let Lizzie get more attached to Kelly. And then what? Live happily ever after with Kelly as the third member of their unconventional family? What if, somewhere along the line, they decided not to be together anymore? What if Kelly decided to go to college or seek that bright future every teenager secretly wanted? What would happen to Lizzie then? She’d lose another female who’d claimed to care about her. She’d wonder where Kelly had gone and why, but she’d be too young to understand. So, even though he could pull Kelly close, invite her to stay, make promises that couldn’t be kept, he did none of those things. “Just a moment of weakness,” he whispered, his voice nearly choking on the words. “It never happened.”
***
Alex felt like he drove for an hour. In reality, he figured it was only about thirty minutes or so, but he wanted to drive forever. Sometimes he felt like the entire world was out to get him, and even though people were always giving him handouts, grades he didn’t earn, free tickets to the movie theater and all kinds of stuff like that, he felt like nobody would cut him a break. He just needed to feel the freedom to make mistakes, make his own choices, and be the person he wanted to be. Nobody understood that, nobody except Kelly. Boy, had he royally screwed that one up, but he wouldn’t let himself fall into that mind trap. He wouldn’t dwell on Kelly, definitely not right now. He could live forever and probably never achieve redemption for what he’d done to her.
He pulled the car into the parking lot of a fast food place. It was almost empty, one of those places where you sit in your car or outside and the waiters come out to you on rollerblades. He glanced around the place one more time, and that’s when he saw Kay walking down the sidewalk. She looked like she was in her own little world…a sad world. She had her short brown hair pulled into a ponytail, and she wore a cropped blue-jean jacket, holding it shut and hugging herself.
He could tell she was upset about something; she always was, and she had every right to be. While his instinct was to reach out to her, he didn’t bother. She’d just shut down on him like all the girls he cared about ended up doing. And anyway, if she wanted to let herself get beat up all the time, that was fine with him. He had problems of his own.
His mind wandered back to his dad, and for the first time, he realized that he understood why Kay never told on her father. He’d never told his mother about what happened a few months ago, either. He never told anybody. Besides, when your parents are the enemy, where did you turn?
A knock on the window made him jump. He glanced over, seeing Kay standing just outside the passenger door. He reached over and pushed open the car door for her.
She slid into the seat. “I come in peace,” she joked. “I just want to check on you. You look upset.”
“A little,” he said, turning his gaze back to the fast food place. It wasn’t very crowded, which he liked. He didn’t really like being around a lot of people, anyway. There was always the chance he’d run into someone who would mention Kelly or football, as if those two things defined him completely.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shrugged, without intending to open, but he found himself telling her what’d happened anyway. “My dad wants me to injure some guy from Westview tomorrow night so he can’t play.”
“Wow,” she whispered. “Are you going to do it?”
“I don’t know.” He raked a hand through his hair. Feeling stifled in the small space of the car, he rolled his window down and draped his arm out. “I have half a mind to just blow off the game completely.”
“So, why don’t you?”
“You of all people should understand that. It’s like, what would happen to you if you decided to just not come home one night?”
She shivered. “I see your point.”
“Anyway, I’m glad you came over. I’ve wanted to give you something for awhile now.” He reached into the backseat and unzipped his backpack, then pulled out the shopping bag that’d been in there since the day he’d talked to Zander.
She looked confused as he handed her the bag. Reaching into it, she pulled out the boxed digital camera and then gave him a quizzical look.
“I understand why you don’t want to tell on your dad, but you should at least document the abuse, just in case you ever have to go to court for it.”
She was quiet for a minute, looking down at the camera. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me that you’ll do it,” he said. “If you’re not comfortable keeping the pictures on your computer, you could e-mail them to me. I won’t look or anything.” He leaned over, pointing to a part of fine-print on the box. “There’s even a timestamp option. I’d leave that on, if I were you.”
She turned, surprising him by giving him a quick hug and whispering, “Thank you…It’s okay.” Her gentle tone surprised him. Maybe she wasn’t angry with him. Maybe she was just upset about something else. “Zander told me what you did.”
He blinked in surprise. “He did?”
“Yeah.” She smiled at him. “Thanks. It really helped…well, kind of…”
“Kind of?”
“Well, I mean that it will help, ya know. When I can go to more than one session.” She laughed at herself. “I sound like an idiot. I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight.”
“You don’t sound like an idiot. I’m just glad you’re not—”
“Hi, what can I get for you two this evening?” the server asked, suddenly appearing next to them.
“I’ll take an order of cheese fries, and a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise…oh, and a Pepsi to drink,” Alex said. “Kay?”
“Hmm…those cheese fries sound good. I’ll take that with a glass of ice water.” She said.
“Okay, it’ll be about ten minutes,” the server said before leaving.
Alex returned his gaze to Kay. He felt so at ease with her, like they could just talk.
Kay started to shrug her jacket off, then stopped and pulled it back on. She cleared her throat. “I think we should talk…you know, about the other night…”
Alex grinned and looked out the window. “Yeah…I was hoping we wouldn’t have to do that.”
“We both agree that…I mean, it was just…with the alcohol and everything…it was…” Kay trailed off.
“Yeah, it just kind of happened. We can still be friends, right?”
“Definitely.”
“Ah, finally. Our food’s coming. It’s about time. I’m starving!” Alex exclaimed as the server handed their food through the window. He took a huge bite of his cheeseburger.
“Rough practice?” Kay asked, munching on a fry.
He nodded. “It’s always brutal, but I think that’s just because I hate the game so much. You think I’d be used to it by now.”
Kay chuckled, then realized how rude it sounded. Unsure of what to say to him, she decided to change the subject. “So, why didn’t you tell me it was Kelly?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t think it was important.”
“In my experience, it’s the important things that get left out.”
He sighed. “I don’t know, I guess I just thought that since you met her first, you’d automatically side with her if you knew. But, I needed to get it off my chest, and you didn’t ask who it was so…” Alex trailed off and took a sip from his soda.
“I don’t judge. I just listen.”
He smiled softly but didn’t say anything else.
“So, what’s she like?”
“Kelly?” Alex asked. She nodded. “She’s smart, funny—when she’s not telling me how horrible I am. And her kindness…it just kind of resonates…it’s contagious.” He felt a grin slide across his lips as he remembered her. “You just can’t get enough of her sometimes. I remember when we were little, she would always, like, bring a stray cat home, or if she saw a hurt animal, she had to help it. She’d share her lunch with kids at school who couldn’t afford one. I don’t…it’s like…there are
n’t words to describe her.” He shook his head, then felt a little embarrassed about his word-vomit.
“Oh my God, you still love her!” Kay exclaimed.
Alex’s gaze met hers, and then quickly fell back to his food. He stuffed a few fries into his mouth, hoping it would shut him up.
“Oh, don’t even try that. You do, don’t you?”
He hesitated. “It’s not like it matters anyway. She knows how I feel. I had my chance and I blew it…it’s too late for us now.”
Kay tilted her head to the side. “Oh, Alex, you know that isn’t true,” she said softly. “Girls do this all the time. She’s just scared. If what you had really was special, then she still feels it too.”
“I forced her to get an abortion.”
“Okay…so you hurt her, you broke her heart. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t still have feelings for you, or that all your chances with her are gone.” Her deep blue eyes shone with compassion and support. “And as for you forcing her, she made her own decision. So what if you bullied her or pressured her into it? I mean, yes, it was wrong, but it was her body; ultimately, it was her choice. She could have stood up to you, put her foot down, flat out told you no, and raised the baby on her own, or chosen adoption or whatever. There were plenty of choices for her. She was weak, and gave in to what you wanted her to do. You shouldn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for that.”
Alex was amazed. Nobody had ever taken his side before. The thought that Kelly didn’t have to be so angry with him had never even occurred to him. “You’re right, why should I be the only one to blame?” A small part of himself felt freed. He knew Kelly didn’t see it that way, but Kay had a point. They were both to blame.