Keeping an affable countenance, he replied evenly, “I am sorry to disappoint you, Miss Lydia, but I am afraid that the wedding date must stand as it is. Many of my relations have already made plans to attend on the date selected. Hopefully, you will be able to enjoy yourself just as much at the wedding festivities.”
Clearly exasperated, she cried, “Oh, bother. Why does nothing good ever happen to me? Now that Lizzy is to be engaged, the regiment will have more time for me. I think there is one among them who prefers me, but Lizzy was always monopolizing his time. I think I shall cry for a week. Maybe my mother will let me go with Colonel and Mrs. Forster by myself. I could be back in time for the wedding.” With that said, she was off, leaving Bingley amazed and Darcy deep in contemplation.
The rest of the evening was, on some level, measured torture for Darcy. Mrs. Bennet mentioned John Lucas’s name whenever possible, and Caroline Bingley sought his attentions even more aggressively than usual. He was able to smile through these assaults by recalling the memory of Elizabeth seeking his hand. It was a sensation he would treasure, and the thought that she had initiated the contact made it all the more significant. He also had the pleasure of watching Elizabeth from across the room, when she agreed to play a song at Mr. Bingley’s insistence. But the opportunity for conversation with her did not occur many more times that evening, and when it did, it was brief and there was little opportunity to say anything of substance. When he made his adieus, he did think she looked at him with some feeling, but the moment passed far too quickly. He returned to Netherfield deep in thought, and after making one request of Mr. Bingley, he retired to his bedroom, anxious for the morning to arrive quickly.
Despite Elizabeth’s intention to retire early in order to be well rested for her morning walk, she found that the opportunity for sleep eluded her. Once their guests had departed, Mrs. Bennet spent an inordinate amount of time alternately praising the manner in which the dinner was received and anticipating tomorrow’s call from John Lucas. Being the focus of the latter, Elizabeth was not allowed to retire until she had been thoroughly instructed on the art of how to comport oneself in order to elicit a wedding proposal. Despite the foolishness of her mother’s advice, Elizabeth had to laugh, that for once, their minds were contemplating the same subject—although envisioning different men as the protagonist. When she finally was able to escape to her bedroom, she soon heard a knock that she knew would be from Jane.
“Lizzy, am I bothering you?”
“Jane, you know you could never bother me. In fact, I was expecting you. You, no doubt, want to offer your congratulations on my impending betrothal to Mr. Lucas.”
“Oh, Lizzy! I know Mama means well, but I was so sorry when she jumped to such a conclusion. I hope it did not embarrass you too much?”
“It did, but there is nothing to be done about it. I think Mama had some help from Caroline Bingley, but it still does not excuse her behavior. I will just have to hope that when I fail to become engaged to Mr. Lucas, the rumor that our mother started tonight will be put to rest.”
“I am sure it will. But I wonder if she is wrong about Mr. Lucas’s intentions. What will you do when he calls tomorrow?”
“Hopefully, it will not be an issue, but if it is, I will simply make it clear to him that while I have always valued him as a friend, I have no other feelings for him. I think he will understand that. It is our mother’s reaction I fear.”
“Lizzy, I’m sure our mother will understand. She just needs some time. Despite the results, her intentions are good.” Eyeing her sister carefully, Jane added, “But I was also a little concerned for Mr. Darcy when our mother mentioned that you might become engaged. He did not seem to take the news very well.”
With an air of indifference, she replied, “Oh, I would not worry too much for him. I am not sure if he had the most pleasant evening, but I think our mother’s incivility will soon be forgotten.”
“That may be so, but I was nonetheless concerned for him during the meal. When I saw him say good-bye to you, I was less troubled. You both seemed very comfortable in each other’s presence.”
“Oh, did you think so?”
Exasperated, Jane exclaimed, “Lizzy, stop being coy. Will you not tell me what happened?”
Smiling, she took her sister’s hand and said, “Jane, nothing in particular has occurred, but I did let him know that I did not hold Mr. Lucas in any specific regard, and I think he was happy to hear it.”
“Lizzy! I am so glad. I know that things are not settled between you and Mr. Darcy, but I did not want him to become unduly discouraged. But what did you say to him? How did you even broach the subject?”
“I just made it clear to him.”
“But how?”
“Oh, Jane. I am afraid to even tell you. You will think me most scandalous. It was an impulsive act on my part. I didn’t know what to do… Mother would not stop talking about it, and he looked particularly stunned by her declaration, so I… I grabbed his hand under the table.”
“Lizzy! You didn’t!”
“I am afraid I did.”
“What did he do?”
“Well, at first he looked shocked, and then he wouldn’t let go of my hand.”
“He wouldn’t let go of your hand? What did you do?”
“Well, obviously, I eventually convinced him to release it. But now I am not sure what he thinks of me.”
“Lizzy, I am quite sure he thinks very well of you indeed. I think you know you have no concerns in that regard.”
“Oh, Jane. I hardly know what to think. I acted very foolishly, but I could not see him so hurt. I acted without thinking.”
“Lizzy, I think you were acting from your heart, and that is never a bad thing to do. It is clear that he has always been in love with you. I think you just needed to realize how you felt about him. But it is getting very late. I will not keep you when you obviously have much to think about. Have a good night.”
Elizabeth prepared for bed, musing quietly over how everything had changed.
***
Darcy was always an early riser, but this morning he had awoken even before his usual custom. When he had returned from Longbourn the evening before, Darcy had told his valet about his need to leave before sunrise. His valet was accustomed to serving his master whenever the need arose and had often attended him very early in the morning to accommodate travel plans. He was not, however, used to the level of instruction the master had given concerning which coat and vest he wished to wear. That, and the master’s other recent odd behavior since entering Hertfordshire, made it clear to him that something was afoot.
As Darcy reviewed the results of his valet’s handiwork in the mirror for the third time, his valet approached Darcy’s private traveling case to retrieve his watch fob. Before he reached the case, Darcy’s commanding voice stopped him in his tracks. “Walbridge, that is enough. I will get my watch myself.”
“Sir?”
Embarrassed by the tone he had used, he attempted to soften his rebuke. “I am sorry for being so abrupt, but I need not trouble you any further. You may be excused.”
“Very well, sir.”
“Thank you again for your help.”
Once he was alone, Darcy sighed at the ridiculousness of his own behavior. The contents of his traveling case seemed to have been mocking him all morning, and his servant’s attempt to open it, before he had decided what to do about it, temporarily unnerved him. The genesis of his problem began as a spur-of-the-moment decision in London, when he was recently at his townhouse reviewing matters with his steward. As he took stock of the contents of his safe, in order to make various household payments, he spotted his mother’s jewel cases. He opened them because he was feeling particularly lonely, having left Elizabeth in Hertfordshire without any resolution of their relationship in sight. His mother’s belongings had always brought him comfort, and when he noticed the posy ring that his father had given his mother upon their betrothal, he impulsively determined to ta
ke the ring back with him to Hertfordshire. He thought it unlikely that he would have occasion to use it, but if the opportunity with Elizabeth presented itself, he thought his preparedness would communicate something of his constancy to her. He knew that in Kent, aside from her distaste of his character, the manner in which he had asked her to marry him had contributed to the disastrous reception of his proposal. The fact that he had not even thought far enough ahead to have an engagement gift with him was emblematic of how little he had thought about Elizabeth’s reaction to his request. He would not make that mistake twice.
When he returned from London with the ring, he had asked Bingley for leave to use his safe. Last night he had retrieved the ring before he went to bed as a gesture of hope. It now sat in his traveling case as a symbol of his indecision. He knew he wanted to use the ring to help declare his love and constancy, but he was unsure if today was the opportunity he was seeking. Once they were alone, he had determined to tell her of his continuing affection, but he did not want to frighten her off again. Despite his overwhelming impatience to have the issue decided, he knew that he had achieved far better results with Elizabeth when he had taken his time with her. John Lucas’s presence had made this leisurely approach unworkable, but it did not mean that their relationship was ready for such a milestone.
Seeing that his indecision was delaying his departure, he made up his mind. He resolved to take the more cautious route by declaring his intention and then asking permission to court her. He would ask for her hand when he was surer of her feelings for him. His ability to wait for her would be a sign of his devotion and the consideration that he had for her feelings. He strode from the room with purpose. He returned several minutes later, opened the case, retrieved his watch, and impulsively stored the ring in his coat.
***
As Elizabeth left Longbourn, she started down the path to Oakham Mount. She was relieved that the path would not join up with the approach from Netherfield for quite a distance. She would use the time to compose herself. She needed to both calm her racing heart and put her thoughts in order regarding her feelings toward Mr. Darcy. She knew that she cared for his well-being, that she was attracted to him, and that she was flattered and relieved that he seemed to return the interest. Moreover, she had to admit that she found his touch an exquisite exhilaration and that she could not presently be persuaded to miss the opportunity to speak to him in private today for any reason. Was this in fact love? As her heart soared, she felt the answer deep within herself. She laughed, knowing that such thoughts would hardly help calm her beating heart. As she turned the first corner of the path, she was startled to see Mr. Darcy standing before her, with his horse tied off the path.
“Mr. Darcy!”
“Miss Bennet. I am sorry to have startled you.” As she looked away in embarrassment, he felt his heart begin to sink. In a grave voice, he stuttered, “I… I thought you understood that I hoped to join you on your walk this morning. I am sorry if I am disturbing you.”
“No, I did. I mean—you are not disturbing me. I did think that I might meet you, but I thought… I just assumed, that I would not see you until farther down the path, where it joins the walk to Netherfield.”
Heartened by her words, he smiled and explained in a halting manner, “I thought I might see you as you walked by that point in the path as well, but I grew nervous that you might take another route or that I did not correctly understand your destination. As I had arrived there quite early, I ventured this way and found myself at your door before I knew it. I thought it made more sense to wait here, at the edge of your property. That way, if you walked out in any direction, I would see you. I am sorry to have come upon you unawares. I should have made my presence more obvious.”
“No, no, it is quite all right.” Adding with an impish smile, “May I say, Mr. Darcy, you seem a very thorough strategist. Do you have any formal military training?”
Somewhat chagrined, he told her, “No, nothing formal, although my cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam, has explained some of the rudimentary points to me.”
Stifling a laugh, she added, “You must be a quick study then.”
As she smiled at him in anticipation, he found all rational thought beyond him. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say to her so many different ways that he hardly knew where to begin. Moreover, he had hoped to set the tone of their discussion by beginning the conversation with an apology for his forward behavior in the Netherfield library. Now that the course of the conversation had inexplicably veered to his cousin, he did not know how to broach the matter at hand. Elizabeth finally broke the silence.
“Mr. Darcy, would you like to join me on my walk?”
“Of course, of course. Yes, I am so sorry.” Untying his horse and letting the reins drop so that the animal could follow him at a distance, he offered his arm to her and asked, “Please, may I escort you?”
As she took his arm, it was her turn to feel unsteady. She had teased him about his obvious eagerness to meet her this morning, but in reality his accidental information startled her. From it, his interest in her was clear. She could hardly continue to pretend that this was a simple stroll between friends. This was more in the nature of a rendezvous, and she was not sure if she was really ready for the consequences. Moreover, she hardly knew how to act, what she should say, and who should speak first. She was surprised to find her palms damp. As they continued to walk along in silence for several minutes, she finally ventured a thought.
“Mr. Darcy, do you wish to walk to Oakham Mount? There is a more direct path up ahead. We could take that route if you desire.”
“Yes, that would be fine. Actually, no. I mean… could we perhaps stop and rest for a moment?”
She was about to tell him that she could hardly be tired from a walk they had not yet begun, but his serious countenance made her think better of it. “If you wish.”
After securing his mount, he brought Elizabeth slightly off the path to a felled tree and placed his handkerchief on it, indicating that she should sit. As she did, he smiled at her. His expression, however, soon turned to a frown as his apparent nervousness took physical form in both his expression and in his sudden pacing in front of her. He stopped pacing as abruptly as he had started, looked at her, and then looked all about the area. He then appeared to be about to say something, but aborted the idea at the last minute. He finally blurted out, “Miss Bennet, I want to apologize for my inexcusable behavior in the library the other day. I should never have taken such a liberty, and I can offer no excuse. I have heartily regretted my actions ever since. I only hope that you can forgive me for my lack of propriety.”
Embarrassed by the recollection of her own lack of propriety that day and somewhat astounded that this was the subject that he most wanted to speak to her about, she gazed at the ground and mustered a barely audible response. “Sir, I was just as much to blame as you were. I certainly accept your apology.”
Overwhelmed at how awkward the conversation felt, he attempted an explanation. “I would not want you to have the wrong impression of my intentions. I truly regret my behavior.”
Feeling the unintended sting of his words, she gave him a defiant look and replied, “It is quite all right, sir. As I said, I was just as much at fault as you. I have no intentions of demanding anything from you, other than your word that we shall both forget the incident in its entirety.”
Suddenly stunned by the slight anger he heard in her voice, he attempted to understand what he had done to upset her. “Miss Bennet, I think you misunderstand me.”
“Really, sir, in what way?”
As he tried to think of a response that might convey his true intentions, he decided that a longer explanation was required. “I think you misunderstand my intentions in broaching this subject. Although I should not be surprised that you do. I have come to realize that you are both the easiest person in the world to speak to and the hardest. When I am with you, and we have the opportunity to talk privately, as we did at dinner at L
ongbourn and Netherfield, and in the library, I feel totally comfortable telling you my innermost thoughts—nothing seems more natural—but when I attempt to tell you of my feelings for you, I inevitably find myself tongue-tied. It may be simple nervousness, but I suspect it is something deeper too. Whatever the cause, I apparently fail to comprehend how my words sound before I utter them. Despite the risk of infuriating you further, I find I can no longer be silent on this subject. May I ask your indulgence in hearing me out and your forgiveness for my inarticulateness in the process?”
She felt frozen to the spot where she sat. He was gazing at her with such intensity that she felt he was silently communicating his need for her to trust him and for him to be able to trust her in return. She nodded, hoping to convey both her wish that he continue and an affirmative response to his implicit request.
“I did not mean to imply that I regretted kissing you. I could never lament something that gave me such joy. I regret taking that liberty without first having ascertained whether I was forcing myself upon you. I request your forgiveness in that regard only. It would be disingenuous of me to seek your pardon for the act itself, because I know I would welcome the opportunity to repeat that endeavor at the slightest provocation. I knew after I kissed you in the library the other day that I needed to declare myself in order to determine if you could ever receive me as a suitor. Obviously, given our past, I was more than a little hesitant to do so, but it was various circumstances beyond my control, and not my apprehension, that kept me from attempting this conversation before now. I want you to know that while I truly value the friendship we have forged since my return to Hertfordshire, I would be lying to you if I continued the pretense that your friendship is what I seek.” Stepping closer, he took her hands in his and told her what he had waited so long to say. “The plain truth of it is, I love you. I have never stopped loving you, and I would do anything to have you as my own. My need for you is overwhelming. It is all I think about, and it is my deepest wish that you could one day return my regard, in even the smallest way. I know you once told me that you could never love me, but I am unable to let you relinquish your hold on me. I will love you, no matter what your response, but if your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. As you can see, my affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”
Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman Page 24