I will tell Gracie. Nobody else.
Thinking how I loved it when Daddy tickled me when I was a little girl. Daddy spreading his big fingers and walking, pretending they were daddy longlegs come to tickle me, making me kick and squeal with laughter. I was seven, in second grade, when Daddy went away up to Follette, and the woman from Herkimer County Family Services asked Did your father ever hurt you, Annislee?—and I said No! He did not. Daddy did not. You would think that when you answered such a question that would be the end of it, but repeatedly the question would be asked, as if to trick you. Asking did your daddy hurt you or your brother or your mother, try to remember, Annislee, and I was angry, saying in a sharp voice like a fingernail scraped on a blackboard, No, Daddy did not.
"Hey, Ann'slee—din't fall in, did you?"
One of the guys rapping on the door, making the latchkey rattle.
At the table the guys are devouring ham sandwiches in two, three bites. Big fistfuls of chips. Cans of Black Horse Ale opened, and the ale smell is sharp and acrid. Heins is shuffling cards, pushes them across the table for me to cut. Am I still in this game? With no dollar bill to toss into the pot? They're asking where am I staying at the lake and I tell them. Where do I live and I tell them: Strykersville, which is about twelve miles to the south. Is your family with you at Wolf's Head, Deek asks me, and I tell him yes, except for my father, who isn't there. Deek asks where is my father, and I hesitate, not wanting to tell him that I am not sure. Last I knew, Daddy was living in Sparta, but he's one to move around some. Not liking to be tied down, Momma says.
Croke asks do I have any brothers, his greeny gray eyes on me in a way that's kindly, I think. I say Yes, Jacky, who's nine years old and a damn pain in the neck.
Why'd I say this? To make the guys laugh? You'd think that I don't love my little brother, but truly I do.
Seems like the guys want me back in their game. Deek is allowing me to put up my Cougars T-shirt "for collateral." Since washing my face, I'm feeling more clearheaded—I think!—wanting to win back the dollar bills I've lost. Maybe this is how gamblers get started—you are desperate to win back what you've lost, for there is a kind of shame in losing.
But the cards don't come now. Or anyway, I can't make sense of them. Like adding up a column of numbers in math class, you lose your way and have to begin again. Like multiplying numbers—you can do it without thinking, but if you stop to think, you can't. Staring at these new cards, nine of hearts, nine of clubs, king of spades, queen of spades, four of diamonds. I get rid of the four of diamonds and I'm excited, my replacement card is a jack of spades, but my eyes are playing tricks on me, what looks like spades is actually clubs, after raising my bet I see that it's clubs and I've made a mistake, staring and blinking at the cards in my hands that are kind of shaky like I have never seen a poker hand before. Around the table the guys are playing like before, loud, funny-rude, maybe there's some tension among them, I can't figure because I am too distracted by the cards and how I am losing now, nothing I do is right now, but why? When Croke wins the hand, Deek mutters, "Shi-it, you goddamn fuckin' asshole," but smiling like this is a joke, a kindly intended remark like between brothers. I'm trying to make sense of the hand: Why'd Croke win? Why's this a winning hand? What's a full house? Wondering if the guys are cheating on me, how'd I know? The guys are laughing at me, saying, "Hey, babe, be a good sport—this is poker."
Croke says, "My T-shirt now!" Pulls the Cougars T-shirt off over my head, impatient with how slow I am trying to pull it off. There's a panicked moment when I feel the guys' eyes swerve onto me, my halter top, my small breasts the size of plums, anxious now like undressing in front of strangers, but I am trying to laugh, it's okay—isn't it?—just a game. "This is poker," Deek says. This is Wolf's Head Lake in August, the kinds of wild things you hear about back at school, wish you'd been part of. And now I am.
In just my swimsuit now, and barefoot. Feeling kind of shivery, dizzy. Picked out the swimsuit myself at Sears, so can't blame Momma. It's like a kid's sunsuit, too young for me: bright yellow puckered material, a halter top that ties around my neck and a matching bottom and both of them kind of tight and itchy and damp-smelling from the lake. Croke is clowning with the T-shirt wrapped around his head like a turban, saying that li'l babe owes him one more thing: "This is strip poker, honey. You raised that bet, din't you? There's two damn bets here. My T-shirt, and now something else."
Croke is teasing, isn't he? All the guys are teasing? The way they are looking at me, at my halter top, I'm starting to giggle, can't stop giggling, like being examined by the doctor, icy-cold stethoscope against my chest, and I'm half naked, trembling on the edge of an examination table, so scared my teeth start chattering and the doctor gives up, disgusted, calls for Momma to come in. Jax is saying, "She's drunk. We better sober her up and get her out of here."
Right away I mumble I am not drunk! which makes the guys laugh.
Deek says, leaning over me, brushing my arm with his to make the hairs stir, "Thass a cute li'l swimsuit, Ann'slee. You're a hot li'l babe, eh?"
Jax says, disgusted, "She's just a kid. Ain't even in high school, I bet."
Deek says, "Shit she ain't. How old're you, Ann'slee?"
Eighteen, I tell him. Can't stop laughing, wanting to hide my face in my hands. Thirty-eight! (Thirty-eight is Momma's age, so old.)
Jax says, "I told you, she's wasted. No way she's more'n fifteen."
Deek says, "Fifteen is hot. This is a hot li'l babe."
Heins says, "Want the cops to bust us? Asshole."
Deek says, "How's that gonna happen? This li'l honey is my girl."
My girl is such a warm thing to say. My girl my girl. Nobody has ever said that to me except my daddy till now.
"Strip, li'l dude! C'mon."
"Got to be a good sport, Ann'slee. That's poker."
Deek is teasing me, but he's serious too. And Croke.
"I'll strip. Lookit me."
Deek yanks off his T-shirt that's grimy at the neck, suddenly he's bare-chested, coarse black hairs like a pelt over his chest which is hard-muscled, but at the waistband of his swim trunks his flesh is bunchy and flabby. "Shi-it," Croke says, loud like a cross between yawning and yodeling, with a flourish yanking off his T-shirt, baring his heavy, beefy, pimple-pocked chest like a TV wrestler; Croke's chest is covered with hairs like slick seaweed, and oily with sweat. There's a strong smell of underarms. Jax and Heins make crude comments. I'm saying that I don't want to play poker anymore, I guess, I want to go home now, need to get home where my mother is waiting for me, and Croke says, bringing his fist down hard on the table like he's drunk, "Not a chance, babe. Ain't goin' anywhere till you pay up."
Deek says, "When you won the pot, we paid up, din't we? Now you got to pay, Ann'slee. That's poker."
In just my swimsuit, what can I do? Can't take off the halter top, but for sure can't take off the bottom.
My sandals! Maybe the guys would let me substitute my sandals.
Except I don't see my sandals on the messy floor.
Maybe I lost them in the other room? Climbing through the window?
The guys are pounding the table: "Strip! Ann'slee's got to strip! Top or bottom, you owe us. That's poker."
Deek is practically on top of me. Not just his underarms smell, but his oily spiky hair that's cut mini-hawk-style. Big yellow crooked teeth, breath in my face like fumes. Deek is saying, like you'd talk to a young child, or some animal like a dog that needs to be cajoled, "Take off your top, li'l dude, thass all, thass a damn cute li'l top, show us your cute li'l boobies, you ain't got nothin' we ain't seem already, wanta bet?" All this while I'm hunched over trying to shield my front with my arms, but my arms are so thin, and Deek is pressing so close, slides his arm around my shoulders and I'm on my feet, panicked, trying to run to the door. But Croke grabs me like it's a game we are playing, or him and Deek are playing, like football, Ann'slee is the football, captured. Croke's big fingers tear at the halter straps, Cro
ke manages to untie the straps and pulls off the halter, Ohhhh, lookit!— the guys are whistling and stamping their feet, teasing, taunting like dogs circling a wounded rabbit, and I'm panicked like a rabbit, trying to laugh, to show this is just a joke, I know it's a joke, but I'm desperate to get away from them, stumbling to the bathroom, the only place I can get to, shutting the door behind me, fumbling to latch the door, had a glimpse before I shut it of Croke (I'd thought was my friend) with the halter top on his head, tying the straps beneath his chin like a bonnet.
Somewhere not too far away Momma is looking at the clock, fretting and fuming: Where is that girl? Where the hell has Annislee got to this time?
They wouldn't hurt me—would they ?
They like me—don't they ?
How long I am crouched in the bathroom in terror of the guys breaking in, how long I am shivering and trembling like a trapped rabbit, I won't know afterward, and even at the time what is happening is rushing past like a drunken scene glimpsed from a speeding car or boat on the lake. My right breast is throbbing with pain, must've been that Croke squeezed it, an ugly yellowish purple bruise is taking shape.
Croke I'd thought liked me. Helping me out of the boat.
Back in grade school already we'd begun to hear stories of what guys can do to girls if they want to hurt them, though we had not understood why. And sometimes the girls are beaten, strangled, left for dead, it isn't known why.
"Hey, Ann'slee."
There's a rap on the plywood door. I'm not going to open it.
One of the guys rattling the door so hard it slips open. It's Jax leaning in, seeing me crouched against the wall so frightened my teeth are chattering, says, like he's embarrassed, "Here's the swim top. Nobody's gonna hurt you."
I'm too scared to reach up and take the halter top from him. Jax shoves it at me, muttering, "Put the damn thing on."
Jax shuts the door. With trembling fingers I refasten the top.
Avoiding my reflection in the mirror. That greasy smudge where I'd kissed my own lips.
When I emerge from the bathroom, stiff and numbed, my eyes blinking back tears, the guys are still at the table, still drinking. Seems like they're between poker games. Or maybe they're through with poker for the night. Their eyes swerve onto me in that way that reminds me of excited dogs. Deek says, "Li'l dude! There you are. C'mon back, sit on Deek's lap, eh? You're my girl."
A glint like gasoline in Deek's bloodshot eyes and a way his big teeth are bared in a grin without warmth or mirth warns me that I am still in danger. Through the plywood door I'd heard Deek mutter what sounded like Ain't done with her yet, so don't fuck with me.
Outside, all I can see of the early-evening sky is massive bruise-colored clouds. Still there is heat lightning way in the distance.
"Here y'are, Ann'slee. Shouldna been so scared."
Croke tosses the Cougars T-shirt at me. I'm so grateful for the shirt, smelly from where Croke wiped his sweaty face with it, I'm stammering, "Thank you!"
There is a break in what the guys are doing, I can feel it. Or maybe they've been waiting for Ann'slee to emerge from the bathroom, uncertain what they would do with me, or whether they would do anything with me: like turning a card, possibly. It just might be the card that makes you win big, or it might be the card that assures you will lose. It might be a card that will mean nothing in your life. Or everything. It might even be a card you won't need to request—the card will come flying at you.
Now I'm wearing my Cougars T-shirt over my swimsuit top again, I am not feeling so exposed. It's a baggy shirt, coming down practically to my thighs.
I will pretend I haven't heard Deek. How he's staring at me with a loose wet smile, running the tip of his tongue around his lips.
Things a guy can do. You don't want to know.
My heart is beating hard, hidden inside the T-shirt. My voice is calm-sounding, telling the guys, "There's other kinds of stripping, not just taking off clothes. There's this card game we play called truth—you ever heard of truth?"
"Truth? Some kids' game? No."
I'm a little distance from the nearest of them, who happens to be Heins. The way I'm standing is to let them know that I am not going to make a run for the front door as I tried to do earlier; I am not panicked now, or desperate. I am smiling at them, the way a girl might. I am trying to smile. The heat pumping off these guys is a sex-heat so palpable you can feel it yards away. Like the charged air before a storm. I don't want to think it's the dogs' instinct to lunge, tear with their teeth, they can't help it.
I tell the guys maybe we can play truth. "It's a little like poker, except you don't bet money, instead of paying a bet you pay in truth. There's high cards and low cards and a joker that's wild. If you lose, you reveal a truth about yourself that nobody else knows."
Nobody seems very interested in learning this game, I can see. Deek says disdainfully, "How'd you know what a person said was true? Any old bullshit, how'd you know?"
"You would want to tell the truth—wouldn't you? If it was the right time."
Croke says, "You tell us, li'l dude. Make up for how you been acting, like you're scared of us."
Quickly I say, "I'm not scared of you! I love being here, coming across the lake on Deek's boat ... There's nobody I know has a boat like Deek's."
At this, Deek smiles. Then the smile freezes.
"You bullshittin' me, babe? Wantin' a ride back acrost the lake, that's it?"
No! I'm smiling at Deek, keeping my distance from him. Between us there is Heins, slouched at the table, idly shuffling the pack of cards. I tell Deek I wouldn't lie ever, not to him and his friends. I would tell only the truth, which is stripping the soul.
Jax shoves a chair out for me beside him at the table. So I sit down. There's a little distance between Deek and me. One of the guys has opened an ale for me; I will pretend to sip.
I'm not drunk now—am I?
Drawing a deep breath. This truth I have to reveal.
"Two years ago this August, my father was driving back with me from his cousin's place down in Cattaraugus, this town called Salamanca on the Allegheny River. It was just him and me, not my mother or my brother Jacky. Driving back to Strykersville from Salamanca and Daddy wants to stop at a tavern in this place outside Java. Daddy was living away from us then, like he does now, and this was my weekend to be with him. At the tavern, which was on a lake where people had rowboats and canoes, Daddy bought me some root beer and french fries, and I was sitting at a picnic table while Daddy was inside at the bar. There were kids in the park, people were grilling hamburgers and steaks, some girls playing badminton asked me if I'd like to play with them, so I did, but after a while they went away and I was by myself and thought that I would walk around the lake. It wasn't a big lake like Wolf's Head, and I thought that if I walked fast, I would get back before Daddy came out of the tavern. But the path around the lake wasn't always right beside the lake and was sort of overgrown, so I wasn't sure if I should keep going or turn back. I was worried that Daddy would come out of the tavern before I got back and see I wasn't there and be anxious. These years he'd been away, at Follette, he'd got so he worried about things more, like his family, he said, he'd had a lot of time to think—"
Deek interrupts: "Follette? That's where your father was?"
"Yes."
Not like I am ashamed, just this is a fact: Daddy served four years of a nine-year sentence for aggravated assault and was re-leased on parole for good behavior when I was eleven years old. Follette is the men's maximum-security prison up north at the Canadian border, the facility in the New York State prison system where nobody wants to go.
The guys' eyes are on me now. The guys are listening, and I continue with the story, which is a true story I have never told any living soul before this evening.
"So I'm hoping that I am not lost, I'm on a kind of wood-chip trail and there's a parking lot nearby and a restroom, I'm thinking that I can use the women's room, except out of the little building the
re comes this man zipping up his trousers and he's seeing me, he's in these rumpled old clothes and his face is boiled-looking and hair sticking up around his head, older than my daddy, I think, and he's coming right at me, saying, 'H'lo, honey, are you alone way out here?' and I tell him no, my daddy is right close by, so he looks at the parking lot but there's no cars there, but he says, 'Well! Too bad, this time'—I think that's what he said, he might've been talking to himself.
"I wasn't listening and walked away fast. And I waited for him to go away and I thought he did and I went inside the women's room which was hard to see in, there wasn't any light and the sun was about setting, and I'm inside one of the toilet stalls, and there's a scratching noise, and this guy—it must be this guy—has followed me into the women's room! Where a man is not ever supposed to be! He's poking a tree branch beneath the stall door, to scare me, saying, 'Li'l girl, d'you need help? Need help in there? Wiping your li'l bottom? I can wipe, and I can lick. I'm real good at that.' I'm so scared I am crying. I tell the man Go away please go away and leave me alone, my daddy is waiting for me, and he's laughing, telling me the kinds of things he was going to do to me, things he'd done to girls that the girls had 'liked real well' and nobody would know, not even my daddy. But there was a car pulling up outside, and a woman comes into the restroom with a little girl, so the man runs out, and when I come outside he's gone, or anyway I think he's gone. The woman says to me, 'Was that man bothering you? D'you want a ride with me?' and I said no, I was going back to my daddy's car and would wait for him there. Why I told the woman this, I don't know. I thought that the man was gone. I headed back to the tavern the way I'd been coming. Now the sun is setting, it's getting dark. I'm walking fast, and I'm running, and there's the man with the boiled-looking face, almost I don't see him squatting by the path, he's got a rope in his hands, a rope maybe two feet long stretched between his hands he's holding up for me to see, so I panic and run the other way, back to the parking lot, and the man calls after me, 'Li'l girl! Don't be afraid, li'l girl, your daddy sent me for you!' Things like that he was saying. I found a place to hide by some picnic tables, and for a long time, maybe twenty minutes, the man is looking for me, calling, 'Li'l girl!' He knows that I am there somewhere, but it's getting dark, and then there's headlights, a car is bumping up a lane into the parking lot, and I can't believe it, it's my daddy. Just taking a chance he'd find me, Daddy would say afterward, that I'd be on this side of the lake—he'd asked people if they had seen me and somebody had and he'd come to the right place, at just the right time. He caught sight of the man with the boiled face. I told Daddy how he'd been following me and saying things to me, wanting to tie me up with a rope, and Daddy runs after him and catches him. The man is limping and can't hardly run at all, and Daddy starts hitting him with his fists, not even saying anything but real quiet—Daddy does things real quiet. It's the man who is crying out, begging for Daddy to stop, but Daddy can't stop, Daddy won't stop until it's over ... Daddy says when a man uses his fists it's self-defense. Fists or feet, nobody can dispute 'self-defense.' Use a deadly weapon, like a tire iron—like Daddy used fighting another man in Strykersville, which got him arrested and sent to Follette—and you're in serious trouble, but just your fists and your feet, no. What Daddy did to that man who'd wanted to tie me up and hurt me, I didn't see. I did not see. I heard it, or some of it. But I did not see. And afterward Daddy dragged him to a ravine, where there'd be water at some times of the year but was dry now, and pushed him over, and I did not see that either. And Daddy comes back to me excited and breathing hard and his knuckles are skinned and bleeding but Daddy doesn't hardly notice. He grabs me and hugs me and kisses me. Daddy is so happy that I am safe. 'You never saw a thing, honey. Did you?' And I told Daddy no, I did not, and that was the truth."
Give Me Your Heart Page 8