This was the first time I’d gotten a really good look at him since he was practically standing right in front of me. He was about my height, but at least sixty pounds lighter. His hair was dirty-blond and looked greasy. He was definitely a druggy and looked like he’d had too much to drink. He leaned against the door for support and swayed when the door swayed. His dark eyes took in Patience as if she were naked in front of him and then I saw them slide across her cleavage.
Leaning down over her, he said something in her ear and put his hand on her lower back like I did when we entered a room. She reached back and moved his hand from her body and then she smiled and shook her ahead in agreement.
That was it. I was fucking done with this shit. My heart rate increased and I felt its beat behind my eyes. The sound of the music in the club was replaced with a loud roar that sounded like a freight train. I knew the sound well; it was the sound of my blood pressure rising, moving too fast through my brain.
The third time was supposed to be a charm, but in this case, the third time was my breaking limit. Patience was obviously drawn to this piece of shit and if Hope was so into him, why was she on the dance floor instead of locked in the bathroom with him? I’m not sure what pissed me off more—him being all over my girl, or the fact that she’d lied to me. She was cheating. There was no other reason for them to meet like this.
The color in the club drained away, and all I saw was red as I lunged at him.
Fifteen
Patience
“How many you want this time?” Phillip asked as he leaned against the bathroom wall.
His long arms were crossed over his chest and he looked annoyed that I’d dragged him into the bathroom and asked to buy from him there. He flicked his long blond bangs from his face and secured them behind his ear. His hair was too long, much longer than Zeke’s, and I wasn’t sure what girls saw in him, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was he had what I needed to make it through the rest of this week and my final two soccer games.
“How many do you have on you?” I asked.
I felt like I was about to get caught and I kept looking behind me at the bathroom door.
I knew in the back of my head that if Zeke saw me leave the bathroom with Phillip it wouldn’t be good, but this was the only room he wouldn’t dare come into. I just had to make sure when we left that Zeke was nowhere to be found, and I had to make this a quick visit. Zeke would start to worry and search the place for me the minute he realized I wasn’t out there dancing.
“I have ten on me. Sixty bucks and they’re yours. I don’t know why you won’t take my advice and get something stronger.” He pulled out a little baggy and held it up.
I reached into my bra and pulled out the money. Shoving it into his palm, I snatched the baggy and turned toward the door.
“Wait. What’s the rush, girl? We’re in here all alone and you’re looking damn good tonight. We might as well take advantage.” He tilted his head and obviously checked me out.
“I have a boyfriend, but thanks for offer.” I pushed the door open and the music took over the quiet bathroom.
I tried to rush out and let the door shut behind me, but Phillip followed. I felt his closeness behind me and went into automatic search-for-Zeke mode. I felt Phillip’s hand on my back and moved it as fast as he put it there.
His warm breath struck my ear. “If you need more, you know where to find me.”
I smiled up at him and thanked him with my eyes before turning to walk away. That’s when I saw Zeke moving straight toward us. I put out my hands to stop him, but he moved past me so fast.
“No, Zeke, just wait!” I yelled.
He didn’t hear me; he didn’t even pay me any attention as he snatched Phillip up around the collar with both hands and head-butted him.
Phillip fell back out of the alcove and onto the outer corner of the dance floor. People stopped dancing and turned to see what the commotion was, and the music stopped. There were people crowding them, ready to see a good fight.
Phillip didn’t back down. He seemed secure in his fighting skills and that scared me even more. He stood his ground as he went in and punched Zeke so hard his head shot to the side and blood flew from his lip.
I gasped and started toward the fight, but the crowd was thickening around them by the second and I couldn’t push through. Across the horde, I could see Hope trying to break through and stop the fight, and I started trying even harder to push through, too.
“That’s your one, motherfucker.” Zeke held up one finger, then wiped at his bleeding lip.
Phillip looked around in confusion. He was obviously wondering who the hell Zeke was. Meanwhile, Zeke had an evil grin on his face. I knew his history and I also knew he was enjoying this entirely too much. I struggled harder to get through the crowd when I saw Zeke move in again. He was so fast and so angry I could practically see the smoke coming from his red face.
Phillip fought back the best he could, but Zeke bested him and knocked him down onto the floor. They rolled and Zeke landed on top. He didn’t hesitate from that point on as his fists flew one by one, up and down.
Finally, I broke through the crowd. I reached out and grabbed his fist before he could hit Phillip again, but he shook me off like I was nothing and continued to hit him.
“Zeke, stop it! You’re hurting him. Zeke! Stop this shit for real. You’re going to mess up your hand again,” I repeated over and over again, but he heard nothing.
His elbow popped up every time he brought up his fist. Phillip’s nose spouted blood and Zeke continued to pound his face. When I threw myself on Zeke’s back, he shook me off again. No way could I let this continue.
“Someone help me!” I screamed at the spectators.
No one budged. They were too busy watching, and I could no longer see Hope anywhere. I moved in on Zeke once more. When I got to him, I bent down to grab his arm and stop him, but I was too close and when he brought his elbow up again, it connected with my nose.
Pain spread throughout my entire face. My nose instantly felt like it was on fire and a sharp pain stung the back of my eyes. The room shifted around me and I fell back onto my ass. Reaching up, I covered my nose and tried to hold back the tears. Water sprouted from my eyes and drained down my face, and when I pulled my hands away they were covered in bright red.
I screamed when I saw all the blood rushing from my nose. No one seemed to even notice me, and I was starting to freak out, until suddenly Hope was at my side.
Zeke turned with a look of complete devastation on his face. Phillip forgotten, he rushed to my side and fell to his knees beside me. Leaning in with a blood-smattered shirt, he tried to pick me up.
“I’m so sorry. Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” he said in a panic.
I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I’d had my fill. After months of him acting jealous and crazy, I’d hit my limit. I was finished with all of it. I was over the arguing and I was done trying to hide my problem from him. I was done in general.
I pressed a bloody palm to his chest and shoved him with all the strength I had.
“Get away from me!” I yelled. The taste of blood filled my mouth when I opened it to speak. “I’m done with this shit, Zeke! Done!”
His face took on his wounded puppy look that usually melted my determination, but it didn’t work. I wasn’t sure who was helping me to my feet, but I let them. And when Hope was at my side again, I let her pull me out the front door of the club and into the passenger’s seat of my car.
She reached into the glove compartment and then proceeded to stuff McDonald’s napkins into my hands. I covered my nose with them and she pulled down the visor, letting my keys fall into her palm. As we backed out of the parking lot, I saw Zeke rush out the door. His devastated eyes connected with mine as we pulled away.
I leaned my head back against the headrest and Hope drove me to the nearest hospital.
“I can’t believe he hit you! That bastard! That’s so unlike him,” Hope s
aid as she sped down the interstate.
“He didn’t technically hit me. I got in the way of his elbow, but that’s enough for me. I’m so fucking done with this. He’s been acting crazy for weeks now.” My napkins were filling fast, even with my head back.
“What’s gotten into him? Maybe you should give him some of your chill pills.” She got off the exit and we zoomed past the blue sign letting us know there was a hospital nearby.
“He doesn’t know I take them. That’s what started this. He keeps seeing me alone with Phillip. I told him you had a crush on Phillip and I was talking to him for you. Tonight he caught me coming out of the women’s bathroom with him.”
I knew how bad it sounded, but I was done hiding and denying. I spent almost all my life hiding something from someone and I was done trying to keep up with the lies. I was over lying in general. I wasn’t a liar by nature, but I was becoming pathological.
“Damn, Patience, you should’ve told him. Now poor Phillip is back there knocked the fuck out. And ew! You told Zeke I had a crush on Phillip? Gross.”
I didn’t say anything else after that. She was right. It was my fault that Phillip got hurt. Actually, most of this was my fault, but that didn’t matter. Zeke hit me. Whether it was accidental or on purpose, he had physically hurt me and I wasn’t okay with that. I’d never be okay with that.
After some x-rays, the doctor came back into the room.
“Well, it’s not broken, but you’ll have some pretty ugly bruising and swelling around your eyes. I’m going to give you a prescription for the pain. If you start having any dizzy spells or if you faint, have your friend bring you back immediately.”
We left the hospital an hour later. I wrapped myself in my hoodie that I had on my backseat. I looked like I’d been slaughtered. There was so much blood on the front of my dress. It made me kind of sad to think about it. I’d brought the dress for Zeke and he seemed to love it. It was only appropriate that the dress be ruined since what we had together was ruined as well.
Instead of going home, I crashed with Hope at her sorority house. I borrowed a long T-shirt and some shorts and tried to sleep on the couch downstairs. Instead, I stared at the ceiling. My heart hurt almost as much as my face.
My phone had died long ago, since Zeke had called and texted repeatedly. His texts switched back and forth. In one, he’d be mad at me and want to know what was going on with Phillip and me, and then he’d send me a crying face and ask for my forgiveness. He was a bipolar mess.
There were several voicemails on my phone, but after checking one that consisted of him crying and begging me to please come home so he knew I was okay, I decided that checking those were a bad idea.
Once the sun was fully in my eyes, I got up and checked my face. I looked awful. The black bruising spread from under my eyes down onto my cheekbones and covered most of my nose. I looked like a big, black swollen mess. I felt like my head had been run over by a big truck.
I took one of the pain pills and drove home. I was exhausted, confused, and hurt, physically and mentally. I stopped by the coffee shop under my apartment and grabbed a pick-me-up. Everyone stared at me like I was a battered wife and I wanted to get the hell out of there. But I needed the coffee, and I wanted any excuse I could think of to avoid going back to my apartment.
I knew once I opened that front door, Zeke would be there and either he’d be really, really angry or really, really sad. I wasn’t looking forward to either. I wasn’t afraid of Zeke. I knew he’d never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but I couldn’t move past the fact that he had.
I was careful to open the front door quietly. I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to creep into my apartment, but I did. Once I was in the front door, I could hear the soft sounds of his guitar coming from the bedroom. He played differently than usual. The sound that floated from the back of my apartment was sad and gloomy.
I shut the door behind me and set my keys on the entrance table. The music continued. He was playing my song. Guns N’ Roses’s “Patience” filled the tiny apartment and seemed to spread a deep sadness throughout. I followed the soft depressing melody through the kitchen and down the short hallway to my bedroom.
The door was cracked and I was able to look in on him. He was sitting on the bed. His packed bags were on the floor by his feet. Caught up in the music he played, his eyes were closed. The skin around his eyes was puffy and red, letting me know he’d spent some time crying. I felt his pain in my stomach, but I pushed it away and locked away my emotions.
I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. He looked up at me when the hinges made a loud creaking sound. The music stopped and he set the guitar on the bed beside him. His eyes watered up when he looked up again, and then he was on his feet and standing in front of me. His face was stern as he reached up and ran a finger across my cheek. It didn’t hurt, but I felt his touch to my toes, so I jerked my head away. The crushed look on his face was difficult to look at.
“I did that.” His voice sounded rough. His eyes roamed over my bruises. “I’ve never hit a woman in my life and I swore I never would. I hurt you. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He dropped to his knees in front of me. Looking up, a tear ran down his cheek. “No matter what happens, I hope you forgive me for hurting you. Please tell me you forgive me.”
I wanted to reach out and hold him close. I wanted him to stop crying. Seeing Zeke with tears on his cheeks and red eyes was unreal. He was so strong. He was so carefree and hard. I’d seen him drop a few tears before, but nothing like this. It made me sick to my stomach to see him hurting so badly, but I couldn’t give in. I refused to be one of those girls that just let it go when their boyfriend hit them. I had to let him know what he did was unacceptable.
“What you did is not okay. I forgive you, but I can’t be with you anymore.” The words burned my lips.
Nausea swept through me and I felt like falling to my knees in front of him. Nothing lasts forever, but I wanted forever with Zeke. I loved him more than I could put into words, and my heart was breaking, but I had to face the facts. The fact was until I was better, I couldn’t give myself to anyone. Not without lies and deceit on my part. I didn’t want to be a liar. I never wanted to be deceitful.
Zeke stood up and grabbed my hand. He shook his head in understanding. “I know. I can’t be with you anymore, either. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but we’re lethal as a couple. We bring out the best and the worst in each other. It’s a double-edged sword. You built me up, and I hope I did the same for you, but now I feel like we’re tearing down what we built. We’re destroying each other. Before the destruction is too bad, I think we should just…” He couldn’t finish his sentence and honestly, I didn’t want him to.
“You broke my heart, snowflake.” He shook his head in disbelief.
There was no point in trying to fix the Phillip situation. He didn’t trust me. I had become untrustworthy.
“Well, you broke my face. I think we’re even.”
He reached up and ran a single finger down my cheek. I flinched when he touched the sorest part, and anguish filled his eyes. He didn’t wait much longer. Instead, he reached down, put his guitar back in its case, grabbed his bags, and then pulled his keys from his pocket.
“I guess this is good-bye.” He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.
How could something that was so right feel so wrong? Even though I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. I just stood there and stared back at him. He was waiting for my response, but he’d have to wait forever because no matter how badly I wanted to respond, I couldn’t.
He leaned in toward me. His warm breath eased the soreness in my cheek. His mouth was so close I felt his lips skim my skin when he spoke.
“I’ll love you until I don’t exist anymore, and even after I die, if there’s any good left in me, the love I have for you will continue on in my soul.”
I closed my eyes and then I could feel my loss as he walked away from me. All the war
mth that usually radiated from him dissolved, leaving only cold air in his wake. It was then that the tears decided to fall. They were aggressive and ugly, and no matter how hard they fell, I didn’t feel relief.
The front door opened and I knew he was leaving. I couldn’t just let him walk out of my life thinking I hated him. I didn’t. I loved him and I felt anxiety when I thought about being without him.
Before he could shut the door behind him, I ran down the short hallway to the living room.
“Zeke!” I called out.
He stopped and cracked the door back open to see me. His brows pinched down in confusion and he bit nervously at his lip ring.
“Yeah?”
His voice sounded flat. Not hopeful. Not happy, just flat. As if I’d sucked him dry of every ounce of emotion. In some ways, I did. I’d turned him inside out and he’d done the same to me. He was right; we were lethal, and if we continued this, one of us wouldn’t make it out alive.
My tongue felt thick. Tears clogged the back of my throat and threatened to choke me every time I opened my mouth to speak. I swallowed the clog and it filled my stomach with ache.
“I love you, too. Always.”
His dark eyes watered, but he understood we were done just like I understood. He nodded his head, attempted to smile, and then he turned and shut the door behind him.
Sixteen
Zeke
Rock bottom was a fucked-up place to be. I’d been there before, though, and I was sure to visit at least a dozen more times before I died. That still didn’t mean it was a vacation. It was hell.
I’d never put my hands on a woman in my life. There was only one incident at The Pit where I had to hold a woman down to keep her from hitting me in the middle of a bar fight, but that was the extent of it. Of course, I’m not sure if that one counts since she was more man than me.
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