“You know you’re not welcome here, James. What do you think you’re doing?”
“I need to talk to you. May I please come in?”
I stood there looking at him. Did he deserve for me to finally hear him out? He’d always said I didn’t understand the situation with Batya. Was there something else to it? The only way I’d know if his side of the story made sense or not would be to listen to him. I figured he and I both should have that much.
I pulled the door open wider and motioned for him to come in. He gave me a half smile as he walked past me. I led him over to the dining room table where he sat down, placing the bag in front of himself.
“Would you like something to drink? Maybe some coffee?” I asked.
“No, thanks. I brought this for you, but I think maybe I could use a bit of it to get through this conversation.” He reached into the bag and drew out a bottle of my favorite premium vodka. I groaned inwardly.
“I don’t want that, but if you do, you’re certainly welcome to have some. You’ll have to make your drink yourself, though.”
“I know it’s still kind of early, but we’re heading closer to evening. It’s definitely past five o’clock on the East Coast. C’mon. Have a drink with me.”
“I can’t,” I shook my head. “A lot has happened to me since you’ve been out of my life. I don’t drink anymore.”
“At all?” he asked, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Not at all,” I replied.
.
“Well it’s no fun drinking alone,” he placed the bottle back in the bag as he looked at me curiously, “so I’ll save it for later.”
I sat down across from him at the table, my forearms resting on the surface, my hands clutched tightly together. I studied him closely. He looked very much the same, except for a scar at the left corner of his upper lip. I briefly wondered if Justin had given him that scar when he kicked the shit out of him.
“So, what do you need to say, James?” I asked him directly.
He cleared his throat. “I’ve been coming by here for a while, hoping to catch you at home, so we could talk. I didn’t want to ambush you, but I knew you wouldn’t take any of my calls. I was hoping enough time had passed you might give me a chance to appeal to you.”
“Appeal to me? After what you did, how could I possibly find you appealing?” I was still bitter over his betrayal.
“I don’t mean appeal that way. Basically, I was hoping to plead my case with you and maybe you might let me back into your life. I’ve missed you so much over the last year. I need you, Kitten. My life isn’t the same without you. There’s a great big ‘ole hole in my heart and only you can fill it. I still love you, Mimi.”
“You should have thought of that before you went off and slept with another woman, James. You did it to yourself,” I replied.
“Mimi, I never slept with Batya. I know why it seems like I did, but you never gave me the chance to tell you the whole story. It isn’t much better than what you think, but it might make a difference, and I’d like you to hear me out,” he implored.
I thought about it for a minute before finally deciding to listen to what he had to say. I had little faith I’d believe what he was going to tell me, but at least I could give us some kind of closure on the subject, once and for all.
“Alright, James. Go ahead and tell me what happened. Because we had what I thought was such a good relationship, I’ll listen.”
“Thank you, Mimi,” he said before clearing his throat and looking down at the table. He dropped his hands into his lap, then looked me in the eye.
“The guys and I were at a bar one night, and I got completely wasted. You and I had been having our problems connecting, and I was feeling sorry for myself. Once I was good and blasted, Batya came over to our table and sat down next to me. I don’t remember too much about the whole exchange, but I do remember she made me feel a little less lonely.
“She got closer and closer as the night wore on until she was finally sitting in my lap. We kissed a few times, then went out to the car and kissed some more. It was you I had on my mind, and I when I sobered enough to realize she wasn’t and could never even be a stand-in for you, I put a halt to everything.
“After that, she got Pumpkin’s number and any time we went out, she was there. I think he kept hoping she’d give him a chance, but she was always back at me. I felt guilty for having led her on and didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I was never as straight-forward with her as I should have been and in fact, I did tell her my sister was coming to visit. Again, I didn’t want her to think I was a total scumbag, so while it was the perfect opportunity to tell her I wasn’t available, I was a coward and didn’t.
“When she showed up while you were there, I panicked. I knew what it looked like and what you were going to think. I didn’t know what to say or do. Once my brain kicked in, I wanted to explain everything to you, but too much damage had been done, and you shut me out. I don’t blame you. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t listen to me, either.
“So, while I didn’t actually sleep with her, I can understand if you still feel I cheated. I can only beg your forgiveness. I showed poor judgment all the way around. I don’t have any better explanation than the truth.” He paused for a moment, then looked at me earnestly. “I know it’s asking a lot, but do you think you can forgive me?”
I was quiet as I thought about it for a little while. Being no stranger to poor judgment myself and how intoxicating substances can alter even the most honest person’s behavior, I realized I could partially relate to what he was saying. I’d managed to stay true to him under similar circumstances, but who was to say I would have remained so if hadn’t gone to Israel to see him. Who knew where my own breaking point would have been if I’d been forced to wait the entire six months without seeing him? I admitted to myself I’d been tempted, and the deeper I’d gotten into drugs, I might very well have committed the same sins. I considered James’ sincere face and nodded.
“I do understand, James. I probably wouldn’t have back when it all happened, but I’ve been through a lot that taught me about human behavior, my own behavior, and how we should never underestimate our own ability to disappoint ourselves or each other. I forgive you.”
James looked at me in disbelief.
“Mimi… I…” he stuttered. “Actually, I never expected you to forgive me so easily. I figured I’d throw my cards on the table and pray. I thought maybe if I were really lucky, you’d take some time to think about it, before telling me to pound sand.”
“As I said, a year or so ago, I probably would have.”
“I know I may be pushing my luck here, but do you still think there’s a chance for us?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and gave it a moment’s thought. The idea of jumping back into things didn’t feel right. My heart lay elsewhere though that was most likely a lost cause.
“I’m not going to dismiss the possibility, but I’m not going to leap right back in where we left off. How about we try to restore our friendship, instead?” I asked.
“That’s probably the best I can hope form right now. Friends it is.”
The following Thursday evening while we were taking Sammy for a walk in his stroller, I got my courage up to ask Justin about his plans with Marina. I had psyched myself up to convince myself I could handle whatever he said. As I expected, he confirmed he planned to do it that weekend.
“I was thinking I’d either bring her around on Saturday afternoon or we could meet at the park. I haven’t really decided the best way to handle it. I’m on the fence because I don’t want to introduce her into our situation too fast. What if Sammy doesn’t like her? You know he doesn’t take well to meeting new people. Maybe a limited amount of time at the park, say an hour or two. I could always split with him if he gets out of hand.”
“There’s always the possibility he might take to her easier if he were in a familiar environment, though. You know, kind of on his own turf.”
“I thought of that, too, but I don’t want to tell her she has to leave if he gets fussy. I would feel bad kicking her out,” he said.
“It’s not her well-being you have to look after,” I snapped. I took a deep breath and tried to do a brief meditation to center myself again. “I mean if she’s ready to date a man with a child, then she has to be flexible. If she doesn’t understand, then you know you’ll either have to make her understand or reevaluate where you want your relationship to go.”
Frankly, I wasn’t too keen on having her at the house, since that was my domain as far as I was concerned, but Sammy’s comfort came first. I didn’t know how to stop feeling so territorial. I knew it was my jealousy rearing its ugly head, but damn it, I couldn’t help myself. I had to get a grip on it if I was going to get her to accept me, too, because I sure wasn’t going anywhere. At least if I did, I wasn’t going far.
We walked the rest of the way in silence. As we were on our way back to the house, I grabbed his hand. “Everything is going to be okay. You’ve said she’s great. She’s going to handle this well, too.”
Looking down, he kicked a rock out of his path and nodded. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll have her come over to the house, and if all goes well, then we can take him to the park.”
“You can always take him for ice cream. You know how much he loves it and bribery is always a good option for getting kids to behave in a pinch.” I said with a grin.
He laughed back at me and squeezed my hand. “I couldn’t do this without you, Peaches. I hope you know that.”
“Yeah,” I nodded smugly, “you were near worthless during his first few months of his life.”
He stopped pushing the stroller, grabbed me and swung me around, before tickling the hell out of me.
“Stop it, Justin! You’re going to make me pee my pants right here on the sidewalk!”
“It would serve you right for being so bratty,” he said, not stopping.
I began to slap his chest, and he squeezed me tighter. Finally, we were both out of breath when we stopped struggling with each other. We stood there for a minute, looking into each other’s eyes, our chests heaving. I licked my lips nervously and his eyes went directly to my mouth. He leaned in a fraction before slowly sliding his hands from my waist and turning back to the stroller.
I took a deep breath, cursing his sudden change. We were having a moment, and it slipped away from us. I didn’t want to confuse him, knew I shouldn’t get in the way of what could be a very happy relationship for him, but I couldn’t help still wanting him for myself.
On Wednesday afternoon, when I was at the grocery store with Sammy shopping for items we had gotten low on, mainly cheerios and instant mashed potatoes—the only things Sammy seemed to want to eat these days—I got a call from James on my cell phone.
“Hey Kitten, what’s going on?” he greeted me.
“I’m out at the market with Sammy, Justin’s son.”
“Oh, so the baby did end up being his, after all,” he commented.
I smiled to myself. “Yes, he is, and he’s the most beautiful boy. I’m his god-mother,” I said proudly.
“So, what? You’re babysitting?” he asked.
“I guess you could say that although I don’t think of it that way. I take care of him while Justin is working. I didn’t mention it when we saw each other, but the reason you had a hard time catching me at my house was I technically don’t live there anymore. I moved in with Justin, so I could help out with Sammy.”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line before James finally spoke again. “Are you two a couple, Mimi? I think that’s something you might have mentioned when I suggested we get back together. Is that why you only want to be friends?”
I struggled to come up with an appropriate response. Even if I didn’t have feelings for Justin, I still would have insisted James and I start out as friends again since my faith in him had been destroyed. However, I’d be lying if I said my feelings for Justin didn’t also factor into not wanting to start dating James again. I wasn’t ready to admit that though. Not yet.
“No, James. We’re not a couple. We have become like a little family, but Justin actually has a girlfriend.”
James breathed a sigh of relief. “That makes me feel a whole lot better. I know you want to be friends. I understand why, and I am totally on board with that. Still, I have high hopes for us.”
“Don’t get those hopes up too high, James. Neither of us knows where this will lead.”
“Well, why don’t we get started on finding out? I called specifically to find out what you are doing this Sunday. I thought if you don’t already have plans, maybe we can get together.”
I didn’t have plans. Sammy was due to visit Justin’s parents while Justin and Marina would probably be off doing something, most likely not anything I wanted to think about. With that in mind, I decided to accept James’ offer. If nothing else, it would be a good distraction from obsessing about what was happening with the two of them.
“Okay, James. I’m game. What time do you have in mind? I’ll be getting Sammy ready to visit his grandparents in the morning, but after about ten o’clock, I’m free as a bird.”
“Why don’t we start out simple? I’ll pick you up around noon and we can go grab lunch together, somewhere nice. Maybe we can go somewhere by the beach,” he suggested.
Visions of peel-and-eat shrimp with an ice-cold beer immediately sprang to mind. I used to love hanging out at one of the beach-side restaurants with the girls, gobbling down seafood over Coronas on a weekend afternoon. I wondered if I could manage a lunch at one of those places without feeling too tempted to indulge in a beer or two. I needed to learn whether it was an actual trigger for me, so I decided I’d give it a shot. If it got to be too much, I could always ask to leave. I needed to explain everything I’d been through to James, anyhow.
“Okay. Let’s try that. I’ll be ready by noon.”
“Great!” he exclaimed. “I’ll call you Friday night to confirm, in case something comes up.”
There was another brief pause before I heard him softly say “Thank you, Mimi. I really appreciate you giving me your time if nothing else. I’m really looking forward to seeing you again.”
His confession didn’t elicit the same feelings in me. Instead, I felt kind of hollow inside. James had always been fun to be around, but my thoughts and feelings were rooted elsewhere. Nevertheless, I felt I needed to try to move on in some way, too, so I simply echoed the sentiment and ended the call.
As I pushed the grocery cart through the market, gathering the rest of the items on my shopping list, I was on auto-pilot. My emotions were in a tangle. I was lost in thought as Sammy started to screech at the top of his lungs. I could find no reason as to why he was upset, so I assumed he was tired of being confined to his carrier. I hurried to complete my list and thanked the gods the check-out lines were short. Man, that kid could scream.
When Saturday morning came, Sammy was already fussy. I’d wanted to be out of the house before Marina arrived to put off meeting her as long as I could. Sammy had other plans though. Whenever I tried to leave the room, he’d crawl after me and cry. All he wanted to do was play with Snowflake and me, so I resigned myself to bite the bullet. In my vanity, I made sure to look as good as I possibly could. It may have been a worthless effort considering she was a model, but I wasn’t going to look like chopped liver next to her either.
Once he got his way, Sammy was a doll. He sat on my lap and put both of his chubby hands on my cheeks. I laughed and did my best to keep from wrapping him up in a big bear hug. We all lay on the floor while I rolled the ball to Snowflake, who would nudge it back toward each of us with her nose, which is what we were doing when the doorbell rang.
Justin strode through the room, wiping his palms on his jeans. I got up on all fours to see if I could get a peek around the corner, to see her before she saw me. Once I did, I was glad. The last thing I needed her to see was
me with my jaw dropped open. She was stunning. She was about five feet, ten inches tall, had long, straight sable hair, with a neat fringe covering her forehead. From what I could see from my vantage point, her eyes were a pale blue, slightly tilted up at the corners, and she had a perfect nose, not too long, not too small, not a button nose, nor even pointy. It was smooth and perfect for her face. I touched my own nose which I had always thought gave me more of a cute look than beautiful and sophisticated. Her glory, however, was her smile. She had full red lips and a set of pearly, white teeth. I hated her.
She practically jumped on Justin as soon as he opened the door. Okay, I might be overstating it a bit, but she did give him a hug I thought was longer than necessary.
As soon as they started walking into the house, I popped back from my spying place and returned to petting Snowflake while Sammy laughed as she rolled the ball back toward him. He could play this game for hours, and God knew, Snowflake never got tired of it either. I enjoyed listening to my little boy laugh, he seemed to do it so rarely.
Justin and the trollop came around the corner, and I gave them my best fake smile. Justin grinned widely while Marina bared her teeth. Sammy continued rolling the ball back and forth, seemingly oblivious to them both.
“Oh, my goodness, Justin, is this him? He looks just like you.” Marina squealed, ignoring me altogether. She walked right up in front of him and looked down at him. “Hi, Sammy! Hi baby!” she said, sounding more like she was talking to the dog, rather than the child. She looked at Snowflake and gasped.
“Don’t you think it’s dangerous to have that dog around the baby? They’re such a vicious breed.”
“No,” I smiled, “he and Snowflake are best buddies. She’s been very protective of him since the day we brought him home.”
She knelt and scooped Sammy up into her arms and tried to hug him close. Of course, Sammy started screaming and wriggling around in her arms. He pushed away on her chest and looked at me. Snowflake growled quietly.
Just Perfection Page 6