by Tonya Blount
―Uhhh…did you pick up some Orange Sherbet?‖ Taj asked.
―Yeah.‖
―A‘ ight. You can give me a
little.‖ ―Okay.‖
―Ma, where‘s that lotion that I like? I don‘t see it.‖
―It‘s in there, Taj. Look in the closet there. It should be on the second shelf with all the other lotions and soap.‖
―I see it.‖
When I came back into the bedroom Taj was underneath the covers flipping channels.
―Here,‖ I said handing him the
bowl. ―Thanks. What you got?‖
―My usual.‖
―I don‘t know how you eat that…raw cookie dough mixed in with ice cream.‖ ―It‘s good,‖ I declared positioning myself on his lap. ―When I was a kid I used to steal the Pillsbury cookie dough and eat it just like that. Sometimes it was breakfast, lunch and dinner. Miss LT used to call me Cookie because I loved it so much,‖ I chuckled.
―That‘s why I can‘t understand why you like it now. You should be tired of it.‖
―I did get tired of it for a while. I stopped eating it for a few years but now since they mixed it with the ice cream—‖ ―That‘s like one summer I spent down south with my Aunt Carolyn, she used to love Fig Newton cookies. Man…that was the only kind of sweets she would bring into that house. I would eat so much of those cookies ‗til I end up getting sick one day and threw up all over the place. Since then I ain‘t never ate another Fig Newton.‖
We both laughed. ―I love listening to you talk about your childhood.‖
―Why?‖
―Because you can talk about it and laugh. Even when you talk about getting sick ‗cause you ate too many of those cookies…it wasn‘t ‗cause you didn‘t have no other choice but to eat that. You know what I mean? You have memories that make you smile.‖
―Storm, I wish I could take away what happened to you. All I can say is we‘re together now…and together we gonna make memories that will make the both of us smile.‖
I reached over and kissed him. ―Damn, I just love you, boo.‖
Ring Ring
―Don‘t answer that.‖
I glanced at the Caller ID. ―It‘s Pam. I need to take
it.‖ ―Put that phone down! It can wait ‗til
tomorrow.‖ ―Taj.‖
―Nah, we chilling tonight. I wanna talk.‖
I scooted to rest my back on the headboard. ―What‘s wrong? Why you got so serious all of the sudden?‖
Taj got out of the bed and started to roll up. ―Storm, we gotta talk about how you be flippin‘.‖
―What are you talking about?‖
―You not trusting me…being paranoid all the time and shit.‖
―I‘m not paranoid. You talking about what happened this morning?‖
―I‘m talking about this morning and what happens almost every time I go to the club…which you seem to forget is myclub. That‘s my bread and butter. I ain‘t going there to chill with my boys—I‘m there building. I‘m there working toward our future. Yet, you always accusing me and shit. I try to understand and be patient with you. I know you had a hard time and shit. But damn, baby, you gotta let it go.‖ ―What…so what you trying to leave me?‖
―Leave you? Storm, I‘m trying to love you. All of you. But you won‘t let a nigga love you.‖
―What are you saying? How am I stopping you from loving me?‖
―You got this shield around you…you let me in a little bit. But you always guarding yourself like you gotta be careful with me. You say you love me, but you ain‘t trusting me enough to love you.‖
―What do you want me to do? I mean, what do you want from me, Taj?‖
―I want you to open up,‖ Taj calmly replied. ―I want you to let me in…totally. If that means letting me in…let me in. Not a little bit, not when you think I won‘t judge you. All the time. I don‘t know what you‘re scared of but I‘m not gonna judge you, Storm. I want to love all of you, not just the part you feel comfortable sharing and showing me.‖
―What do you want to know?‖ I yelled. ―You wanna know how fucked up my life was? Huh? That‘s what you wanna to know? You already know that. You wanna know all about how I fucked to feed myself? Or, no…I know…you wanna know how I fucked and sucked dirty ol‘ men dicks to support my Aunt Hope and her dopefiend ass man habit. Right? And you wanna talk about love? Huh? Let‘s talk about how much love I got. Well…love for me was a holiday that was never celebrated. That was love. That was my life! But you know what? The bad that was interjected in me was for goodwill. Don‘t you agree?‖ I asked ferociously. ―Look at how successful I turned out to be. I‘ma
black hoe that got rich in the credit card game. I‘m the symbol of success…straight out of mothafuckin‘ Bushwick.‖ Taj sat with his mouth open. He may have suspected it, but until that moment he never knew how deeply layered the pain was, nor the ugly past that I harbored. ―I‘m…I‘m sorry,‖ Taj said choking back tears.
―What are you sorry for?‖ I wiped away the single tear that managed to escape from my eye. ―You ain‘t do nothing.‖
―You know what? Forget it. I don‘t want you to hurt like this.‖
―No, no. It‘s okay. I‘m fine. Maybe you‘re right. Maybe I need to talk about it and then maybe it‘ll stop hurting. I need to talk about the fact that other than Miss LT, ain‘t nobody ever give a fuck about me.‖
There was suddenly an awkward silence. ―What about your mother?‖ I chuckled in disgust. Then I took the blunt from Taj and took a couple of drags. ―You know, I never told you…my mother was a mortician.‖
―A mortician? Word? Stop playin‘.‘‖
―Yeah, I‘m serious.‖ I smiled. ―I was told that she always suffered from depression—but she was religious. I remember her taking me to church and singing hymns around the house. Aunt Hope always told me that we‘re not suppose to handle the dead-when they go that‘s it. We suppose to wrap their bodies and bury them. Being a mortician, you handle all these bodies and some of the spirits are bad—demonic. They say that one day Momma embalmed a man‘s body that had raped and killed about two or three little girls.
―Aunt Hope always said when Momma opened up his body--the demons jumped out of his soul and got a hold of Momma. After that, Momma cracked up and started messing with my father who was a drug pusher. I never knew his real name. In fact, I didn‘t know anything about him other than he supplied the dope that pushed Momma permanently into darkness.
―My mother was so smart, and beautiful, you know?‖ I said my voice cracking. ―She had smooth cooper-tone skin. I remember she was tall and had hazel eyes-like me.‖ I managed to smile at the gradually fading memory of her. ―But her eyes were prettier…more on the green side. She had a real thick scar on her hand that kinda looked like a lobster. I think my father pushed her into a glass door or something. And I remember she always wore a certain kind of perfume. I‘m not sure of the name, but I won‘t ever forget the smell. It was a soft and light scent. I‘ve only smelt it on one person before--an old lady on the bus was wearing it. Anyway, you know the rest…one Christmas she left to go to the grocery store and never came back.‖
Taj pulled me toward him and tightly embraced me. ―I‘m so sorry, boo, because you didn‘t deserve that childhood hell. And you sure don‘t deserve the life sentence of pain.‖
Chapter 7
Opening up to Taj proved more therapeutic than I could have ever imagined. For years, I had convinced myself that I had divorced that part of my life. I never knew how much my past affected me and most of all, how much it dictated my future.
I reached ove r to Taj and he wasn‘t there. Then I began rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I squinted to gain eye focus to read the time on the cable box: 9:34 a.m. Damn. It’s that late?
―Taj,‖ I called out. ―Taaaaaaaj, baby what you doing?‖ Madison came running into my room barking. ―Not you. I ain‘t call you.‖ After receiving no answer I began climbing out of the bed.
As I started walking toward the bathroom, I noticed an envelope with Taj‘s handwriting. It was lying at the bottom of bed. What the fuck is this all about? I shoulda known he wasn’t gonna be able to handle all that shit…
I picked up the envelope:
Hey Beautiful,
Had to take care of something. Call me when you get
up. Before you do though, be prepared to answer this… Will you marry
me? Taj My hands began to tremble…fate had finally decided to show up. Instead of running to pick up the phone, I headed to the shower. Taj was everything I wanted and more…but did Taj deserve the shattered past I owned?
The phone began to ring, it was
Taj. ―Where you at?‖ I asked.
―Huh?‖ Taj asked bewilderedly.
―Where you at? Why you ain‘t wake me up before you
left?‖
―Good morning to you, too…damn!‖
―Good morning,‖ I mumbled.
―You ain‘t see the note I left you?‖
―Yeah…but you ain‘t say where you was going?‖ ―Oh, so that‘s all you gotta say about my note?‖
I was silent and started to pick with my fingernails. I need to get a manicure today.
―Storm!‖
―What? Why you screaming at me like
that?‖ ―What? You know what? Fuck this!‖ ―Taj! Taj. Oh, I know he ain‘t just hang up on me.‖ I started to redial his number.
―What?‖ Taj answered. ―Why you hang up on me? What kind of stupid shit you on this morning?‖
―Storm stop calling me.‖ Taj said and then hung up again.
I kept dialing him back, but he kept putting me straight into voicemail. ―Fuck you then…you ain‘t give me a chance to say shit!‖
―Miss Storm, are you okay in there?‖ Miss Rosa yelled from the living room. ―Yeah. When did you get here?‖ I snapped.
―I just got here. How are you today?‖
―I‘m fine. How are you?‖
―I‘m doing won-derful,‖ Miss Rosa always sang her
words. ―It is such a beau-ti-ful day. Would you like me to prepare you some breakfast before I get to work?‖ ―No, I‘m fine.‖ She is just too damn happy.―I‘ll grab something while I‘m out. Can you make sure you pick up my clothes from the cleaners? The ticket is on the refrigerator.‖
―Okay, I will.‖
Ring, Ring.
―Miss Rosa, can you get that for me? If it‘s Taj tell
him I‘m not here.‖ ―Miss Storm, it‘s the nursing
home.‖ ―The nursing home?‖
―Yes.‖
―Okay. I‘ll pick up the phone in my bedroom.‖
* * * ―I‘m leaving…I‘ll probably be back before you leave,‖ I announced.
―Is everything alright with your aunt?‖ Miss Rosa asked. ―I don‘t know,‖ I answered nervously. ―They said she won‘t eat and she keep asking for me. You know how she is though…she‘ll do anything for some attention.‖ ―Here, take her this.‖ Miss Rosa handed me a plastic Tupperware container with a huge smile on her face. ―It is her favorite…cho-colate cake. I baked it last night for you.‖
―Thanks,‖ I smiled back. ―I‘m sure she‘ll eat this with no convincing.‖
* * * I wasn‘t prepared to see Miss LT in the state that she had forced herself in. I wasn‘t ready for why she had been calling for me. I was never taught how to say goodbye. Folks usually left my life without saying it. No one had ever loved me enough to grant me the closure that came with that single word.
Grabbing her hand, I looked up at the nurse, ―How long she‘s been like this?‖
―Since yesterday morning.‖
―What happened? She was fine when I was here two weeks ago.‖ ―I don‘t know, Ms. Williams. She just took a turn for the worst. The doctor examined her and said he couldn‘t find nothing wrong. He think she is just giving up.‖
I quickly wiped the single tear that fell from my eyes. ―I pay y‘all a lot of money to take care of her. Why didn‘t somebody call me sooner?‖
―I don‘t know. I can‘t answer that.‖ I looked at her name tag. ―You don‘t know shit, do you Miss. Taylor? You don‘t know what‘s wrong with her. You don‘t know why she‘s sick. What do you know? Huh? I‘ll tell you what…why don‘t you go and make yourself useful and find me the motherfuckin‘ person in this bitch that can answer some damn questions. And on your way, send somebody in here to help me get my aunt dressed. I‘m taking her home with me!‖
As Nurse Taylor began to walk out of the room, Miss LT began to moan. ―Hey, Miss LT. Why you trying to scare me? If you wanted to see me you know all you had to do was ask? I‘ma take you home with me. Okay?‖
Miss LT began to clear her throat. ―No,‖ she whispered. ―What? What you say?‖
―I don‘t…I don‘t want to go home with you…this here…this here is my home,‖ Miss LT stammered. ―Well, just come home with me for a few days then. They ain‘t taking care of you like they suppose to.‖ ―I‘m fine, baby. I‘m fine right here...‘specially since
you‘re here now.‖
I rubbed her hair and began playing with her long
thick braids. ―Who did your hair?‖
―You did.‖
―I didn‘t put these braids in. These are underbraids,
you know I don‘t know how to underbraid, Miss LT.‖ Miss LT chuckled, ―Oh, that‘s right. That young fast
ass girl that works here at night did it. I don‘t think you met
her before.‖
―Oh, nah, I don‘t think I have. Anyway, they need to
get redone. I‘ll redo it in a few. Look what I brought
you…some of Miss Rosa‘s chocolate cake.‖
―I ain‘t hungry.‖
―Miss LT you gotta eat. They said you ain‘t ate
nothing in two days. You can‘t do that. You gotta eat
something. Please, just a little piece. Do it for me.‖ ―Storm, sit down.‖
―Why?‖ I asked
defensively. ―Storm!‖
I ignored her and walked away toward the window
and pushed the drapes open. Then I turned to Miss LT.
―What‘s wrong?‖
―Why you chasing him
away?‖ ―Who?‖
―Your young man. Why you chasing him away? He‘s
a good man, Storm.‖
―How do you always know? No matter where I am,
you always know? And don‘t tell me that story about how you
were born with a veil over your face.‖
Miss LT ignored me. ―You gotta trust
him.‖ ―I do trust him.‖
―You‘re lying,‖ Miss LT retorted. ―No, you don‘t. He
ain‘t the one you need to be watching out for.‖
―What do you mean?‖
―He ain‘t the one,‖ Miss LT struggled to repeat.
I walked closer to Miss LT, picked up her hand and kissed it. ―I need you, Miss LT.‖ ―You‘ll be fine, chile‘. You know how to take care yourself. Just get all those snakes out your closet before they bite.‖
―I won‘ t be fine without you. What are you trying to say to me?‖
―I‘m so tired.‖
―Okay, then. Eat a little piece of this cake. Then you can try and get some sleep.‖
―Storm, please listen to me…I‘m tired,‖ Miss LT repeated with great sternness.
―Miss LT…please, please stop saying that.‖
―I want you to take care of yourself. You here? I want you to let go of the pain that them sorry ass niggas done gave you. You betta than them. You here what I‘m telling you? You didn‘t sink in the sand that they threw you in, you stood on top and walked bravely across it. Ain‘t too many women out here can say they done been where you came from and blessed enough to be on top.
―Remember, anger don‘t complete the woman you are…it takes away from the whole strong woman you done become.‖
I never thou
ght of my survival as being brave, I thought. ―I will. I‘ll let go. Miss LT, I love you.‖
―I love you, too. You the daughter I always
wanted.‖ ―Miss LT?‖
―Yes, baby.‖
―Please don‘t leave me,‖ I selfishly begged. ―Please don‘t die.‖
―I‘ma always be with you Storm. I‘ma always be where you are.‖
―Miss LT, please stop talking this crazy shit!‖ I cried.
Miss LT suddenly began to cough. ―Storm can you go and get me some water.‖
I reached for the pitcher and began to pour her a glass.
―No, baby, dat…dat water there ain‘t fresh. Go on down the hall and get me some fresh water.‖
―Okay,‖ I pulled the colorful crocheted blanket that Miss LT had created overthe white sheet. ―I‘ll be right back.‖
―Thanks, baby.‖
I came back into the room, carrying a pitcher full of ice water. ―Miss L -nooooooooo.‖
Chapter 8
Since Miss LT had died, I had trouble sleeping. Although I was grateful that I had the chance to say goodbye, I still felt like I had been cheated. I felt so empty inside. Every night I laid in the bed waiting for her energy to return-anything I just wanted to feel her presence, but I didn‘t.
―What you gonna do today?‖ Taj asked. ―I don‘t know. I‘m probably gonna meet Black later on. He got some work for me.‖
―That‘s good, ma. You back on the grind. That‘s what‘s up.‖
―I guess. What are you gonna do?‖
―Well, you know, I gotta meet dude and pick up this paper. Then I‘m gonna go check on a few things at the club. Why? You wanna do something later on?‖
―Well, I‘ m hanging out with Pam and the girls later on tonight. They trying to shake off this funk I‘ve been in and shit. I was thinking about doing some Christmas shopping later.‖
―Christmas shopping? Not you. You hate Christmas.‖ ―Yeah, I know. But I know it‘s a big deal for you…so I want to try and get into…for you.‖
―Uh…A‘ight, we can do that,‖ Taj agreed and returned a smile.
―What time you gonna be back?‖
―I should be back about two or
three.‖ ―Taj that‘s so late to start