by A. L. Zaun
“You’ll never be dead to me,” he said with regret in his voice. He reached for my hand. “Don’t make this an ultimatum. Everything can go back to the way it was. You know what you have to do. There’s no other choice. We can be together and have the life we talked about.”
“Is everything okay here?” Nelson asked, standing at my side.
“Take me home,” I said as I walked away. I wiped the tears off my face while my heart shattered into a million pieces.
The tap at the door brought me back. I wiped my tears and quickly tucked the picture back into my wallet. “Come in,” I answered, sitting up in my chair.
Bruce peeked in. “Hey, you ready to go?”
“Give me a minute. I need to make a call.”
“Sure thing.” He started to pull the door closed, and then he stopped. “You okay?”
“I’ll be right out.” I gave him a curt smile and a quick nod.
I picked up my phone and drooped with disappointment. I had no missed calls or text messages from Rick. Closing my eyes, I weighed the cost.
I tapped the screen and pulled up the familiar name. Pressing the green Call button, I blew out a deep breath. After just a few rings, the raspy voice that warmed my heart answered.
“Hello, Maddy. How’s my princess?”
“Hey,” I breathed out as my heart thumped in my chest. “How are you?”
“Are you alright?” he asked, concerned.
“No, Gramps, I’m not.” I paused for a moment, closing my eyes. “Tell me I did the right thing.”
“Maddy, you haven’t called me that in years.” He sighed deeply. “What’s happened? I thought you had everything under control.”
“I thought so, too, but…” I stopped as my voice began to break. I exhaled and continued, “I couldn’t keep it from Rick. Ever since he came into my life, I’ve been unraveling. It’s like he’s pulling a frayed thread, and I’m coming undone.”
“Pull it together,” he commanded in a gentle way that was unique to him. “You’re a strong woman.”
I didn’t feel that way. “Grandfather—”
He cut me off. “No regrets, Maddy. We all make decisions we don’t understand at the time, but you will not allow the past to dictate your future. I won’t allow it.” He paused. “One day, you’ll understand everything I’ve done has been for you.”
Logic. Everything he’d said was practical and reasonable, and it made perfect sense. But these were my emotions. They were messy, insane, and passionate, and up until Rick, they had been contained.
“I know all of that, but the ache is suffocating me. I don’t know how to make the pain go away.”
I could already see him fidgeting in his chair. This had been Nana’s job—dealing with my emotions.
“Something worked in the past. Focus on your career, set your eyes on your goal, and plow through it. You need to move on.”
“In the past…” I started, closing my eyes and shaking my head at what I was about to say. “Well, we discussed my methods of self-medicating when I was in New York.” It was true. I’d had a slew of lovers to soothe the ache. The greater the debauchery, the more numbing the sensation had been. It was what had gotten me through the rough patches. I had been in control. I had been with whom I’d wanted, when I’d wanted. It had been on my terms.
He didn’t miss a beat. “Has that changed since you’ve been with Rick?”
“Yes.”
“I like Rick more and more every day.” He lightened the mood with a little chuckle. “Darling, you did the right thing. In the big picture, everything has and will work out for the best. Let it go.”
“I don’t know how,” I said, defeated. I hated to admit weakness, but I couldn’t do this by myself anymore.
“I hear a lot of regret and guilt. We didn’t raise you to feel sorry for yourself. You’re not a victim of circumstance. You’re a strong woman who has her entire life ahead of her. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You need to get a grip and focus on the meeting you’re about to have. You’re Madison Stuart, and don’t forget that.”
I smiled warmly, hearing him quote the mantra he and my grandmother had drilled into me all my life. “There’s a difference between being a victim and having unanswered questions. You know what I’m talking about,” I told him.
For years, he’d kept everything mysterious. I needed to know. It was time.
“Why won’t you tell me what happened after? It’s like he fell off the grid. I wish you’d understand that no matter what’s happened, I’ll always love him. I just need to know he’s okay.”
He sighed again. My grandfather and I had so much love, so much history falling between us, yet I wasn’t sure which tactic he was going to choose until he said in a voice he used when he was done being questioned, “Madison, let it go.”
Chapter 35
Rick
What a fucking day!
My head spun with a little Johnnie Walker, bullshit from my family, and a fight with Madison. I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for my floor. Leaning against the wall with one arm, I wished I had a damn magic wand, so I could start this fucked-up day over again. I laughed to myself. I needed a fucking do-over.
I exhaled and rolled my head, trying to ease the tension in my shoulders, replaying the events of the day. The two drinks I’d had with Chris tonight did absolutely nothing to take the edge off—once again, proving Madison had been right. They had, however, made it easier to listen to him bullshit about relationships. According to him, we were all doomed, and love was overrated.
He patted me on the back with one hand while he’d brought his drink to his lips with the other. “Rick, you and Madison have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it. Accept it.” Then, he put down his drink. “You’re an asshole, and she’s a slut. You’re selfish and she’s stubborn. Enjoy the sex. It might never get that good again.”
I placed my drink down, rattling the small table. What’s up with everyone and their fucking negativity? “Fuck you. You’re a dick.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Beats being a pussy any day.” He laughed and took a long swig of his drink.
This was coming from the guy who had had to cut our night short because he was having a late-night dinner with Macy of all people. Asshole.
I shook my head and rubbed my forehead. Women. How did I go from the most intense connection I’ve ever had with another human being to shit? One word—Madison. She had to be the most unreasonable person on the planet.
I’d swallowed my pride when I got on that airplane and chased her to New York. If I had to do it over again, I would—in a heartbeat. She pushed me to my limits and made me question my sanity at every turn. Now, she wanted me to be Team Maddy, no questions asked. It was her ultimate act of castrating me.
“Fuck you, Maddy.”
I glanced up to see the buttons lighting up as I reached my floor. This was one of those crossroads moments, but it wasn’t because I knew what I was going to do. Somehow though, the idea of having a choice made it easier to swallow. I figured I could get the taste of liquor out of my mouth and go to her, or I could turn on Band of Brothers and not do anything at all.
As with all things Madison, everything was an extreme. With anyone else, I would have walked away a long time ago. I didn’t think that was humanly possible for me to do with her. She had this damn homing beacon that always drew me back. Since the day I’d met her, I’d kept going back for more. She got me. I got her. For reasons unknown, we worked. Fuck everyone who thinks we’re destined to fail. They can go suck my dick.
I had thought I loved Daniela. In a way, I had. Maybe I can love different people in my lifetime with different kinds of love. Chris had kept me up-to-date on the disaster that was her life, and I felt like shit about it. The best way I knew how to love her was to stay away from her and let her and Lucas figure things out. No matter what I felt for her, it didn’t compare with the force that was Madison Stuart.
Reality hit me l
ike a ton of bricks. I was in love with that pain-in-the-ass, cold-hearted bitch. It wasn’t the neat and pretty kind of love that was sweet and gooey. It was the messy kind. The love my sisters would dream about and the type men started wars over.
The stainless steel doors opened, and I stepped out into the hallway with a great resolve to go get what was mine. I fumbled with my keys for a minute. When I looked up, I saw her. She was sitting by my door with her arms wrapped around her knees. Her shoes were neatly placed by her feet, and her head was buried somewhere in her pretzeled body. My lip curled, and I felt my dimple pop. She had come to me and swallowed her pride.
“There’s no loitering on this floor,” I teased as I made my way to her.
She blew a tendril of hair from her face, and her heartbroken blue eyes met mine, tugging at my fucking heart. “I’ve sunk to a new low.”
I squatted down next to her. “Rock bottom?” I tucked the rebellious strand of hair behind her ear. I knew what being at the end of the rope felt like. That was the day I’d met her, and for some reason, the vixen, who was looking to score a fuck, ended up rescuing me.
She looked away, nodding softly as she sucked in the corner of her lower lip.
“How long have you been here?”
“Not too long,” she mumbled.
Does it make me an asshole that a part of me is glad I’m not the only one feeling like shit about how things had gone down with us? It meant she really cared, and that dickish part of me was doing the touchdown dance inside.
“You could have called me,” I pointed out, taking her hands from around her knees and pulling her up.
She instantly wrapped her arms around my waist with a vice grip, pressing her head to my chest. “You’ve been drinking, and you smell like cigarettes.”
Leave it to Maddy to focus on this shit. And this was one of the reasons I loved her.
“And you’re a creepy stalker.” I placed a kiss on the top of her head and held her close. “I had drinks with Chris.”
But something was off—beyond the fact Maddy was sitting on the floor and waiting for me. She was a workaholic, and I knew she had that fucking dinner tonight. A part of me hoped she hadn’t gone.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I can leave,” she snapped with her attitude as she pulled away from me.
In record-breaking time, Madison had gone from docile to frigid.
Still? We’re still fucking here? I thought we’d moved past this stage. “You always have to be a bitch.”
She shot daggers at me. How am I the villain?
“You always have to be an asshole. What the hell was I thinking, coming here?”
She held on to my arm as she slipped her feet into her shoes. That was only because she wanted to touch me. The woman was a yoga freak and could stand on one foot longer than a flamingo.
I rolled my eyes, exhausted with this bullshit already. “That you’re madly in love with me and couldn’t stand the idea that we weren’t okay.”
She balanced herself in her shoes and fluffed her hair. “Fuck you, Rick.” She put a hand on one hip and cocked her head. “You walked out on me. You’re the one who needs to be coming to me, not the other way around.”
I shook my head as I unlocked my door, frustrated with her shit. “You’ve seriously got psychological issues, but don’t worry about it. I got a referral for you today.”
And I had. I’d called up a buddy of mine who was a doctor before I’d met up with Chris. I’d asked him for a referral. I hadn’t gone into details because I didn’t want him to look at Maddy weird if we were to run into him. But shit, enough is enough. She needs help.
She pushed through the door like she owned the place. “Oh, I do?” She stood with her arms crossed and her lips pursed. “That would explain why I’m with you.”
I closed the door and headed to the kitchen. I loved when she got pissed-off. I’d take this any day to her cold and distant I-don’t-give-a-fuck glare. I pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Are you going to stand there like a statue or sit down?” I wiggled the bottle of wine and nodded with my head for her to follow me.
“I hate you,” she spat out through gritted teeth. She walked to the couch with her arms crossed in front of her, and then she sat down and quickly hugged a pillow.
“No, you don’t.” I sat down next to her and poured her a glass of wine.
She reluctantly let go of the pillow and took the glass. “Yes, I do.” She buried her face in her free hand before blowing out a very deep breath. “I’ve become a pathetic woman who camps out at her boyfriend’s door, waiting for him to come home. I’m not sure it gets any worse than that.”
I could one-up her. “You didn’t pay over a thousand dollars and chase me to New York.” I tapped her nose. “Maddy, there’s a thin line between pathetic and romantic. Lean over to the romantic side of things.”
“Why did you do that?” she asked, staring at her glass of wine.
I didn’t really know what she was asking. She knew why I went.
“Drink the wine.” I nudged her as I continued with a sigh, “Because I knew if I didn’t go after you and figure out what this was between us, I’d be haunted by the regret for the rest of my life.”
She reclined her head against the back of the couch. “I’m not in the mood for your exaggerations tonight. Just cut the shit, Marin.”
Thank God I have a few more bottles of wine. It’s going to be one of those nights.
I searched my brain for the right words. Madison pushed me to express my feelings or thoughts in ways that women would understand. This wasn’t something I had ever been good at, but for her, I’d give it my best. Standing in that crowded airport, I hadn’t figured out the next fifty years. I just knew I had to do it. I stared at my wine glass, swirling the burgundy liquid as I looked for inspiration.
Finally, I felt the words come to me. “In the beginning, the driving force was anger.”
I gave her an honest look, and she looked away, knowing exactly how easy it would have been just to talk to me.
“I was so fucking pissed off at you. Little by little, as the fog of rage cleared, I started to realize I couldn’t live without you.”
She looked over at me, hurt and scared. “You walk out on me every time things get hard. I need to know I can count on you.”
What the fuck? “Is that what you think?” I asked, surprised she would even think that. I finished my wine and poured another glass. “I’ve never walked out on you.” I tapped her leg, trying to keep it light even though this was some heavy shit. “That’s what you do.” I winked. “I’m an asshole, and I say things that come out wrong when I’m pissed. Fuck me because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I needed to cool off.” How the hell does she think I walked out on her? Where does she come up with this shit?
She held the pillow in front of her and stared at the wall. “Your need to cool off trumped my need to work it out. As always, it’s about you.”
In most cases, I would agree with her, but this time, she was wrong. “No. My need to not hurt you trumped my need to prove to you that you were fucking wrong. You didn’t want to work anything out. You wanted me to hand you my dick. Fuck that shit, Maddy. That’s not going to happen.” I scooted closer to her. “Why can’t you accept that I don’t want to see you get hurt? There has to be a different way. I don’t trust that motherfucker.”
“I don’t want to fight with you, Rick,” she said, exhausted. She kicked off her shoes and brought her feet under her. “All we do is fight.”
“Good, I don’t want you to fight with me either. I’m right. You’re wrong. I can live with that.”
“You’re an idiot,” she deadpanned. It was her way of telling me she loved me. She sipped more wine. “Haven’t you had enough to drink?”
“Maddy, you need to loosen up.” I raised my glass to her. “I’m getting you drunk tonight.”
She cocked her head and gave me a disapproving glance. “I’ve
never condoned getting drunk, and I’m not about to go there.” She took another sip, puckering her lips as she tasted it. “You brought out the good stash. Aren’t you supposed to use the shitty stuff to get drunk?”
“I want to get you drunk, not sick. Anyway, I don’t drink shit, and I would never serve you that. Only the best for you.” I brought my glass up to my lips.
Whatever rod she’d had up her ass seemed to get dislodged because her cheeks blushed.
“What’s your deal with the drinking anyway?” I asked.
I put my glass down and kneaded the tight muscles in her shoulders and neck. At first, she gave me her little shrug to be difficult, but then she gave in to my magic fingers.
“You’re tense. For the record, if you aren’t getting drunk tonight, I am.”
She laughed humorlessly. “Tense? What gave it away? My disheveled appearance while sitting on a dirty floor, waiting for you?”
I bit her shoulder for being a smart-ass. She gave me a sideways glance and took another sip of her wine. I could see I was getting through to her.
“For starters, I don’t see the appeal to the hazy state of intoxication. I like having control of my faculties. I’ve never needed alcohol to have a good time, and my mother is an ugly drunk.” She swiveled to face me, and I saw terror in her eyes. “I don’t want to be like her.”
I turned her words around, trying to lighten things up again and avoid another breakdown. “You’d like controlling an entire faculty. Did you ever fuck one of your teachers?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
The sparkle in her eyes returned, and the little contents in her glass disappeared. “I did have a teacher who crushed on me, but no, I didn’t fuck him. He was sexy though and much more interesting than the boys in my class. In the end, he wasn’t worth the complication.”
She ran the edge of the glass over her lower lip, and my dick twitched.