I became aware that my teeth were chattering with shock as much as cold, and forced myself to continue. To my intense relief I did not see a soul before I was able to close my chamber door behind me and sag against it, feeling utterly exhausted. I told myself a few hours’ sleep would give me the strength to gain some measure of self-control. I forced myself to scribe a brief missive to Analivia, telling her bluntly that I had heard her father and brother were alive, and asking her to ride up to Obernewtyn to speak with me. There was no need to scribe a message to Iriny, since I had already told Ceirwan the gist of it. I farsent for Aras and handed her the message at the door, telling her to deliver it to the messenger when they arrived, and repeating what I wanted said to Iriny.
Then I said, ‘I do not want to be disturbed for the next couple of hours,’ and closed the door. Crossing to the hearth, I knelt before the fire to add more wood, and noticed that my hands were trembling. Then a tear rolled down my cheek. It fell onto the hot stone with a hiss and a wisp of steam and then another fell and another. I made no attempt to staunch the flow of grief that followed. Indeed, I could not have done so had I wished it.
When the tempest passed, I sat on the bench staring into the fire for a long while, half hypnotised by the flickering orange dance of the flames. The thought came to me almost as a strange consolation, that it would have been so much harder to leave Rushton when the time came if he had shown the same extravagant and passionate love as in Sador. Better this way, I told myself, ignoring how the thought of never seeing him again twisted in my gut like a blade.
I would use the journey to school myself to accept our parting so that, when the time came, Rushton would believe my love had waned, too. If only I had not shown my feelings so nakedly in the kitchens, but perhaps if I worked hard enough at seeming indifferent, he might be persuaded to believe he had been mistaken. I could not bear the thought that he might feel guilty or even pity me for loving him, yet the possibility that he might be relieved to think I no longer loved him hurt me, too. I did not resist the pain. I accepted it even as I had once accepted the might and overpowering strength of the great sea, when it had me in its teeth. For if we could not be civil to one another, the long journey to the Red Land would be unendurable.
I cringed at the thought of having to tell Rushton that I would be with him on the journey to the Red Land, but at least I could contrive to travel on a different ship to him. No doubt he would go aboard the vessel that Dardelan had commissioned so I could take Dragon aboard the Norse Stormdancer, or maybe we could travel with Jakoby on the Umborine. Given how she felt about me, Dragon might wish to travel on another ship too, but I could not allow that. I needed to keep her close until I had learned what Cassy had wanted me to know, which Dragon had locked in her memories.
It was almost with relief that I turned my thoughts to the problem of Dragon and how to find her with so little time before we had to board the ships. The only way I could see to manage it was to contact Atthis directly. That meant assuming a spirit-form and facing the dreamtrails. I would ask Gahltha to guard me in the old cat’s absence. I could also ask about the whereabouts of Maruman and Cassandra’s key.
I was too weary and weighed with grief to try it immediately, but I swore to myself that I would do it that night. A few hours’ sleep now would be enough to restore me. At least with Rushton returned, I would no longer have to serve as mistress of Obernewtyn and I could concentrate on my own guild. And there was much for the guildmistress of the Farseekers to do. As well as preparing for the expedition, I needed to ensure that I had done all I could do to smooth the way for Ceirwan to assume the role of master of the Farseekers if I never returned from the Red Land. I had no doubt of his capability for he had been doing most of my work anyway while I had been serving as mistress of Obernewtyn, and he was more than capable of managing our guild with the help of Aras and Zarak. I guessed he would raise Zarak to guilden after my departure, and wondered again whether I should tell him in advance that I did not believe I would return. It would allow me to say goodbye to him and give him time to become accustomed to the idea of his new role. Yet what reason could I give for asking him to keep the news secret that would not be an evasion or a lie? Certainly I could not say my quest as Seeker forbade it.
Unless I told him that Dell had foreseen it.
I decided I was too exhausted to reason sensibly. I needed to sleep. I rose unsteadily and removed the heavy moss-coloured gown I had belted over my nightdress, then slipped between my cold sheets. Pulling the bedding up to my neck, I glanced over at the window. The shutters were open and the sun had risen high enough to cast a splash of light against the stone wall. For the first time in days, I heard the sound of birdsong. If my heart had not been so heavy I would have rejoiced and marked it as a good omen. As it was, I closed my eyes, shielded my mind and sank immediately into a deep, dreamless sleep.
I opened my eyes to see Rushton sitting on the side of my bed. He was looking down at me with such a hungry tenderness that my throat ached.
‘Oh please, no,’ I moaned, trying to wake from a dream that could only bring me pain.
The colour in his face drained, but only when he rose stiffly, whitely, did I realise that I had not been dreaming. Indeed, the position of the sunlight on the wall by the window told me that I could not have slept for more than an hour.
‘Forgive me if I presumed …’ he said, turning away towards the door.
With a strangled cry I threw back the covers and leapt out of bed to catch hold of him and pull him back to face me. The raw hurt in his eyes made me curse myself inwardly. ‘Rushton! I thought you were a dream!’
‘I see what pleasure such a dream would give you,’ he said stonily.
‘Listen!’ I cried, not knowing whether to weep or laugh. ‘Last night … this morning when you arrived, you looked so coldly at me that I thought you must have stopped loving me because of what Ariel did to you. So when I woke just now and saw you smiling down at me, I … I thought you were one of my daydreams come to torment me!’
He looked thunderstruck.
‘Coldly?’ He barked the word with such indignant fury that, despite myself, I shrank from him. He drew a long breath and fought for control before saying through gritted teeth, ‘I was trying to control my desire to come striding across the room and ravish you!’
My mouth fell open. ‘But you looked furious!’
He gave a strangled laugh. ‘I was furious! At myself for being unable to control how I felt. I am a man grown and the master of Obernewtyn. I am not a green boy! I have … responsibilities.’ The last word was spoken through clenched teeth. Then he gave a harsh laugh and added, ‘And apart from that, I did not think you would want me to make love to you with half of Obernewtyn watching!’
I felt my cheeks grow hot, but something hard and painful that had lodged in my chest was beginning to melt. ‘I thought you had found that you could not love me after all,’ I said softly.
He gave a hoarse laugh and reached out to stroke my cheek with the back of his fingers. Involuntarily I shivered and his gaze swept down over my thin nightdress and bare feet. With a muttered curse, he brought my slippers and a warm shawl and led me to the fire. I put them on and sat down, dumb with relief.
Rushton knelt to stoke the fire to life, and once it was done, he turned and looked up into my eyes. ‘Elspeth, how could you possibly believe that I would stop loving you?’ he asked gently. ‘I have loved you since I first set eyes on you and I will go on loving you until the breath goes out of me.’
I reached down to push a lock of heavy black hair away from his forehead and Rushton caught my hand and kissed it before moving to sit by me. ‘My love, you know by now, I think, that the ships must leave for the Red Land five days after darkmoon. I meant to arrive before the others to tell you, but it occurred to me I had better collect Garth on the way since we would need to hold a guildmerge as soon as it could be arranged.’
‘Zarak had just told me when you came in
. He thought you were already here and that I knew,’ I said.
‘No doubt the change in timing was as much of a shock to you as it was to Dardelan and the rest of us. The minute we learned what was in the message Powyrs had brought, Gwynedd sent some of his riders off to the west to let his chieftains know so that they can amass their tithes in time. He did not go himself because he means to travel across to Herder Isle with the Stormdancer so he can speak with his kinehelt before we leave. I also sent word to Dameon to return in all haste for he will be needed here once I am gone.’
‘It will be good to see him again,’ I said, thinking of Miky and Angina, but also of myself, for it would grieve me not to be able to say a proper goodbye to the empath who was truly my dearest friend.
‘What is it, my love?’ said Rushton. ‘You look so sad.’
I shook my head. ‘What exactly did the message from the overguardian say?’
‘Simply that the Sadorian ships that will travel to the Red Land must depart Sutrium five days after darkmoon. It is fortunate that Gwynedd was in Sutrium when the news came, for the two high chieftains had only to concur that the Norse and Land ships should be readied to sail with the Sadorian ships. We were able to send Powyrs straight back with that message to Jakoby.’
‘You still intend to make the journey,’ I said.
‘I will, as will you, along with the next Red Queen.’
I gaped at him. ‘You know about Dragon?’
He grinned at my astonishment. ‘Do you not remember that you told Merret Dragon’s true identity when you were on the west coast seeking Domick? Merret spoke of it to me when I came to Sutrium weeks ago. She thought I knew.’
‘I only learned the truth when I was inside Dragon’s mind,’ I said, realising that I had told Merret about Dragon. ‘I wanted to tell you but the moment never seemed to come up and when I got back from Sador and found out that she had disappeared, I thought it would be better to wait until you returned to Obernewtyn to tell you. You guessed that I would want to go with her?’
He shook his head. ‘I realised at once that having Dragon with us must be the key to four ships being able to bring about the downfall of the slavemasters of the Red Land, since all true dreams of Matthew have made it clear that the enslaved people of the Red Land will not rise until their queen returns. But I had not thought of you accompanying her until Dell mentioned it in her missive asking Dameon to come to Oldhaven; she scribed about a futuretelling in which she had seen you with Dragon in the Red Land. I asked Dameon to get a fuller accounting of the futuretelling, and to ask Dell to scry for Dragon. I also sent out armsmen and knights to look for the girl but so far no one has found any sign of her. I am taking this to mean that she went west of the Suggredoon. Gwynedd has his people looking out for her as well, but it is my hope that when Dameon returns he will have her with him.’
‘I should have had people out looking for her but I was hoping she would come back of her own accord, with her memory restored,’ I admitted.
Rushton touched my face gently. ‘I am sure Dragon will remember all that she has forgotten, but it may be that she will not do so until we are travelling to the Red Land.’
‘Maryon also foresaw us together in the Red Land,’ I said.
‘I ought to be troubled at your going along on a journey that is likely to be a long and perilous one, and yet I can only think how sweet those long months aboard ship will be with you by my side.’
‘I would never have guessed it from your very cool missive,’ I said, unable to keep reproach from my tone.
He grimaced ruefully. ‘To scribe as I desired would have been a torment to me! It was hard enough to keep you out of my thoughts long enough to do the things I had to do!’
I laughed incredulously. ‘I had to forbid myself to think of you at all, save in the little while before I slept!’
‘And did you think of me, then?’ he asked in a voice gone suddenly low and thick. His eyes had dropped to my mouth and he lifted one hand and brushed a finger along my lips. ‘How these tormented my dreams,’ he muttered.
Fire seemed to run through my veins. ‘Rushton…’ I said, and he kissed me. Oh the sweetness of that long, soft, infinitely gentle kiss that was both a greeting and an affirmation. ‘Rushton,’ I said again for the sheer pleasure of speaking his name. With a muffled groan, he drew me wholly into his arms and his kiss deepened. I did not try to keep my head, or scold myself to be calm or careful. For the first time in my life, I abandoned control and gave myself utterly to the moment. I slid my hands under his shirt and over the hot tense muscles of his back.
‘Ye gods,’ he gasped and I was shocked at how much pleasure it gave me to rouse him. I had always been restrained before, even in the sweetest embraces, but I let my lips part under his and suddenly he wrenched himself from my arms, rising and walking away a few steps, tension in every line of his body. He turned and whatever he saw on my face made him utter a soft oath and return. ‘My love, Gevan is downstairs waiting for me. I thought it best.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I said stupidly.
He reached out to pull the shawl up over my bare shoulders and said gently, ‘My dearest one, I have always understood that you were not ready to make love with me. To begin with, when first we met, you were little more than a child. In truth it shamed me that I desired you. But I was happy to wait for the day when you would be ready for more. Indeed, you are no longer a child, and there has been much between us since that time. Yet I was … I am prepared to wait still. But after such a long parting, when you respond to my touch in such a way, it is very difficult to stop. I asked Gevan to wait for me because I knew it would restrain me.’
It was my turn to reach up and press a finger to his lips, silencing him. ‘It is true that I have not been ready,’ I said, ignoring the blood surging hotly in my cheeks. ‘But it has always been more a matter of fearing the closeness that comes with what happens between a man and a woman. You see, for me that joining will mean – it must mean – that our minds will mesh even as our bodies do. There would be no barriers. I would know all of you and you would know all of me, body and mind.’
He frowned. ‘I remember how terrified you were of meshing minds when we were trying to save you from the Zebkrahn machine.’
‘You promised not to mesh with my mind and you kept your promise,’ I said. ‘It is one of the things that made me love you. But if we made love, there would be no way to remain separate.’
‘I have done things in this life that shame me,’ Rushton said. ‘I have said and thought things that do not make me proud and it is not easy to imagine baring that to you. And yet to save me on Norseland, you entered the deepest places in my soul. I cannot believe there is more to me than you saw in that dark journey.’
I swallowed hard and forced myself to look into his eyes. ‘It is because of what happened on Norseland that I no longer fear what would happen if our minds merge.’
He looked long and searchingly at me, his expression changing to reflect his passing thoughts. I saw uncertainty and an unexpected vulnerability, but gradually, as he became certain of my meaning, passion flared in his eyes, making them glow like green jewels. He moved to take me in his arms and then he stopped and muttered with desperate humour, ‘Gevan!’
I wanted so badly to tell him to send the Coercer guildmaster away. The world was changing about us so swiftly and the fright he had given me earlier was too fresh in my mind to let him out of my sight. I felt that something would prevent what I suddenly wanted more than anything else in the world. Yet it was foolishness to feel so desperate when we were to travel to the Red Land together on a journey that would take many months. We would have days on end of the strange idleness of shipboard life, when no task or duty would be neglected if we stole time for ourselves.
A vision rose in my mind of us lying together in a ship’s berth, a porthole thrown open to a sky awash with stars, the sea lapping softly at the hull, and I drew a long ragged breath before saying, ‘You
are the master of Obernewtyn and I am guildmistress of the Farseekers. There is much for us both to do ere the ships set sail for the Red Land and we will have time then to be all we can be to one another. For now, I think we must have a guildmerge before this day ends and both of us must prepare for it.’
He cupped my face in his hands and gave me a kiss that set my heart to pounding before saying in a laughing growl, ‘I have always done my duty willingly, but truly in this moment, the cost seems very high to me.’ He smiled crookedly and added, ‘We will hold the guildmerge at dusk, Guildmistress Gordie.’ He went out and closed the door quietly behind him.
8
I wept a few foolish tears for I knew not what, before bestirring myself to bathe and dress for what remained of the day, for I was too wide awake now to stay in bed. I felt sluggish from the broken night’s sleep and the extremes of emotion I had experienced since Ceirwan had awakened me, but as I combed and braided my hair, I could only marvel at the knowledge that I had spoken the truth when I told Rushton I no longer feared merging minds with him. Of course he had taken my words to mean that, having seen his mind on Norseland, I had found the courage to allow him to see all that lay in mine. In truth I had meant that my recollections of what had happened on Norseland had shown me a way to keep my secrets even as I shared them with him.
Since Atthis had forbidden me to speak of my quest as the Seeker, I had always believed that a merging of minds with Rushton would be impossible. Indeed, if I had merged body and mind with him, as I had sometimes been tempted to do in recent years, Ariel would have gained access to all the things I had learned from Cassandra when he plundered Rushton’s mind on Norseland. But as we had been speaking it had suddenly come to me that, having entered Rushton’s deepest mind and dispatched Ariel there, I could fortify the strange, vast space inside him that was his Talent so that it could never again be invaded by the defective Misfit, even if he had another Domick to use as a battering ram. Then if I did merge minds with Rushton, I could simply use my coercive Talent afterwards to shift all that must remain hidden to that secret place inside him. I could even ensure that, after enough time had passed for it not to matter what he knew, he would remember everything. It would mean that no one could enter Rushton’s mind cavern until then but also that a day would come when he would understand exactly why I had to leave the Land and him.
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