Kyle laughs. “I would totally understand.”
She blushes and hands back the guitar.
“Who is that?” says Amanda as she turns to face me. I look to the side of the house and see Sky’s friend, Mike, turn around and start to leave.
Sky quickly gets up and goes after him. “Hey, Mike! Hold on!”
I sit here unsure if I should go after her or just leave her alone. Kyle starts to play another song but quickly stops and shakes his head.
“Now I feel like everything I sing is going to sound like garbage.”
Amanda laughs. “Come on. You’re pretty good too.”
Kyle starts to play again and Amanda motions for me to follow her in the house.
We walk into the kitchen and I glance toward the living room where Mom is watching TV.
“What?” I ask Amanda.
She whispers, “Are you really going to tell me you are just friends?”
“Yes, we are.”
“And that is all you want to be?” she asks.
“I don’t date. You know that. So yes.”
“Ugh. Guys can be so stupid sometimes. You know, don’t get mad at Kyle if something ends up happening there. That is all I’m saying.”
I don’t say anything. Honestly, she is right.
I act indifferent and it ticks her off.
“I wish I could knock some sense into that thick head of yours. You, out of all people, know how precious life is. Stop being afraid to live, Alec! Play ball. Date the girl. LIVE!”
“I’m living. But I made a choice, and it’s my choice to live with and not anyone else’s. And this is really not the time to talk about this.”
“Is it ever the right time, Alec? You are making decisions based on something that might never happen again. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and regret not taking any chances in your life.”
I don’t say anything back. I made up my mind and I’m not changing it.
She clears her throat. “Oh. Hey, Skylar. Is everything okay?”
I turn around and find Skylar staring at me and I wonder how much of this she heard.
“Yeah. I just… I forgot my phone.”
“You're leaving?” I say.
“Yes. Mike is over at the house. We need to talk about some things.”
I sigh. “Okay. Thanks for coming today.”
She nods, turns around, and leaves.
Amanda is about to say something, but I stop her. “Don’t,” is all I say before I go back outside.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
SKYLAR
It’s late and Mike has a curfew, so I know we don’t have much time to talk.
I go back to my house where he is sitting on the front porch. I sit on the chair next to the front door.
“So, you’re hanging out at their parties now, huh?”
I find myself using Alec’s words, “It was just a small get-together.”
He nods. “Skylar, I’m saying this because I’m your friend. He’s into you.”
I laugh. “No, he isn’t, Mike.”
“I saw the way he was looking at you, Skylar. He’s into you and you’re going to get hurt.”
“You’re imagining things. Look, I don’t want to talk about this and end up fighting again. I miss us hanging out. I miss how we used to be.”
He shakes his head. “But it will never be the same, will it?”
Memories of Kristi take over my every thought.
“No. I don’t think so,” I pause. “It’s different without her, but you’re still my best friend,” I say.
He looks uncertain about what I said. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“I wonder if time will make things better. It sure doesn’t feel like it,” he says and I agree.
Mike ends up having to leave and I go in and up to my room. I hear the laughter outside and, curious, I go to the room that Mom uses as an office and peek out of the window. Kyle is playing the guitar again. The girls are singing, and Alec is now sitting on the grass, throwing a baseball up, and catching it, over and over again. He looks so sad. I keep thinking of the words his sister said about him not living his life. I walked in right when she was saying he should know how precious life is, and he really should.
The lights come on and I quickly step away from the window.
“Oh. Hey, honey. I thought you were still over at Alec’s.”
“No. Mike came over a little while ago and we just came back to the house.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just thinking.”
She comes in and sits on the office chair.
“Do you want to talk?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Is this about Alec?” she asks.
“Yeah. It’s just—Do you remember anything about when he was sick?”
Her smile turns into a frown. She nods.
I can’t even explain what I’m thinking. “I guess I’m just trying to understand certain things. I keep trying to imagine if that had been me, what kind of impact it would’ve had on my life.”
“Well, honey. Everyone handles things differently. Some things you never understand unless you live through it, and I pray to God you never have to go through an illness like that.”
I suddenly get an insane idea. “Does Uncle J still work at the same place?”
She nods. “Yes, he does.”
“Do you think if I called him and got tickets, that we could go to a game?”
“Of course.”
I suddenly get overly excited and anxious. “Is it too late to call him now?”
She looks over at the clock. “It doesn’t look like you’ll be able to sleep until you do. Go ahead,” she smiles and watches me curiously.
“Hey, Uncle J.”
He seems surprised that I called and Mom watches to see what I’m up to.
“Yes. I’m good… School is good too… I actually have a favor to ask you…. No, Uncle J, that is not the only reason why I called…. “ We both laugh. “I have a friend who used to play baseball at school and he loved it—still does, but then he got really sick and now he doesn’t want to play again.”
“PTSD?” he mumbles.
“What?”
“Nothing, sweetheart. Go on.”
“I was wondering if you could get me five tickets for a game.”
“Sure. I can do better than that. Is next weekend okay? Your mom is bringing you, right?”
“Yes and yes.”
“I’ll just need you to be here a few hours early. I’ll send your mom the information.”
“Thanks, Uncle J.”
I get off the phone and the first question Mom asks is, “Five?”
“One for Mike and one for Alec.”
“Are you sure that is a good idea?”
“Yes, Mom.”
She nods and yawns. “I should get to bed.”
Mom says goodnight and leaves the room.
I get on her computer and look up PTSD. It comes up as ‘a mental health condition triggered by experiencing a terrifying event’. I stop to think about it. What if I was in Alec’s situation? Maybe what he is going through is a normal response. Maybe he just needs a little push. In my mind, taking him to this game could be the solution.
***
In the morning, we have an email from Uncle J saying that he has tickets for Saturday’s game.
“Your uncle wants to know if you think that Alec might want to help the guys warm up before the game.”
“You can’t be serious?”
She smiles. “I am.”
I should be happy, but instead, I find myself consumed by fear that Alec might not want to do this. I wonder if maybe it’s a good idea to keep it a surprise. Then I wonder if he would be mad and feel like he is trapped into doing this. Ugh. I go with my gut feeling. “Do you think we can keep this a surprise and let him decide once we get there?” I ask Mom.
“I don’t see why not. By the way, your dad is not going to
want to drive to Atlanta so early in the morning, so we’re going to leave Friday and stay at J’s house. Mike and Alec will have to share a room. Do you think that will be okay?”
“I think so. I mean… I’ll let Mike and Alec know.”
Now I have to find a way to get Alec over there. I don’t even know what I’m doing. It’s silly, but I keep thinking that maybe if I show him what he could be missing out on...
I call Mike first.
“Hey,” he says sleepily.
“Hey!”
“Ugh. Morning people…”
I ignore that and go on. “Do you want to go to a baseball game in Atlanta next Saturday?” I ask. “Well, we’ll actually be leaving on Friday and staying at my uncle J’s.”
“Since when did you start going to baseball games?” He sounds more awake now.
“My uncle works for the team. I thought it would be something different to do.”
“And let me guess… you invited Alec too?”
“Not yet, but I will.”
The line goes silent.
“Please, Mike. It’s just one weekend. It’ll give us a chance to get away and—”
He knows where I am going with this. It’s a chance to get away from the constant reminders that Kristi is no longer with us. Here, every place we go is filled with memories of her. We both just miss her so much it hurts.
He sighs. “Okay. I just have to make sure Mom is cool with it. Your parents are going, right? Please don’t tell me I have to ride in his truck!”
I feel uneasy about his reaction but don’t say anything. “Yes, Mom and Dad are going.”
Mike agrees and rushes me off the phone so he can go back to sleep.
I think about calling Alec next and realize I never actually got his cell number.
I go next door and knock on the door.
Amanda opens the door.
“Hi. Is Alec home?”
She shakes her head. “He’s out with Kyle. Do you want to come in?”
“Oh. No, it’s okay. Can you tell him I stopped by?”
“Of course.” She hesitates. “I’m sorry you had to hear some of our talk yesterday.”
“It’s okay,” I say awkwardly. I want to ask her about it but don’t feel that it’s my place.
“I should get going.”
“Okay. I’ll see you around,” she says. I can tell she wants to talk about it and I hesitate leaving.
“Is he okay?” I finally ask.
She sighs. “Yeah. He is fine. It’s just—him being sick was very traumatic on all of us. I think he just needs time.”
I give her a sad smile and say that I should go.
CHAPTER TWENTY
ALEC
I get back from Kyle’s house after dinner. Honestly, I just went over there to avoid talking to Amanda about last night.
When I walk in, I find her sitting on the couch watching TV.
I try to go straight to my room, but she stops me.
“Skylar came by looking for you.”
“Did she say what she wanted?”
She shakes her head. “I told her I would tell you she stopped by.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
I walk back out and go to her house.
She opens the door.
“Hey. Amanda said you came by.”
“Yeah. Do you want to come in?”
“I’m actually kind of tired. What’s up?” I don’t mean to sound rude but I know that I do. I just don’t want to talk about last night. I think she is caught off-guard because she starts to sound nervous and I instantly feel bad.
She looks down at her hand and starts to play with the rubber band around her wrist. That sends chills through my entire body and my mood gets worse. Last time she had it on, I took it off and asked her to talk to me if she needed, but I guess we’re not at that point yet. I know it’s just there though. There are no marks on her wrist. I looked for it.
She notices me staring and stops. She looks up and her eyes focus on mine.
“We have tickets for the baseball game in Atlanta this Saturday. One of them is yours, if you want. Mike is going too.”
“Oh.” Now I’m the one caught off-guard.
“Mom and Dad are driving us. We’re leaving on Friday, and if you want to go, you are welcome to stay at my Uncle J’s house with us.
She still sounds nervous.
“Yeah. Of course. I just have to make sure it’s okay with my parents, but if your parents are going, I don’t see why not.” I pause. “Wow. Thanks.”
“For?”
“For inviting me. I haven’t been to a game since—” I freeze. I remember how sick I was right before the last game I went to. We thought that would be it. “…Well, it’s been a while.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Sorry if I sounded rude before. It was a late night last night and I ended up spending the day with Kyle today.”
Things feel odd… awkward, and I hate it. “I know it’s getting late, but can you go somewhere with me?” I ask.
She looks at me curiously. “Yeah. I think so. I’ll be right back.”
A few minutes later, she comes out of the house and we go to my truck.
“Where are we going?” she ask.
I sigh. “I just want to show you something. This isn’t easy for me. Please just… trust me.”
She looks at me confused but doesn’t say anything.
“Are we going into the city?” she asks me after we’ve been driving for a while.
“Yeah.”
I park outside of the hospital. The last time we were here was the night her friend Kristi died. When I look over at her, she looks pale. I shut the engine off and stare at the building.
“I was thirteen when I was brought here for the first time. I had never really been sick before, well, besides little stuff like colds. I remember walking through those doors for the first time like it was yesterday and, after a while, the hospital became my home.” I pause. “Can you come in with me? I want to show you something.”
She nods once and follows me out of the truck and into the hospital. We go by the front desk; they already know me on a first name basis. We go up to the floor where the oncology patients stay, then to the kids’ area.
We walk slowly through the hallways that lead us to the playroom and when we get there, we stand in the middle of the empty room. “The happy paintings you see… the toys, the sound of cartoons on the TV… I had no idea that a place that looked like this could be—well, I remember feeling like it was a façade, hiding the pain inside these walls from the healthy kids on the outside. The children, some younger than others, all fighting to live or just to hurt less... I didn’t really grasp what was happening at first, not until after I started getting my treatment. And there were days when Mom couldn’t keep it together and she would cry. The first time, the nurse brought me in here while Mom and Dad talked to the doctors alone. I remember staring at that wall right there,” I point, looking at the blue wall with the painting of a car on it. “I was here, surrounded by what was supposed to be happy paintings and colors; yet, not one of those things took my mind off what was happening to me. I wish I had been too young to remember, but I can never forget.”
I space out while looking at these walls once again. It’s not until I feel her hand in mine that I snap out of it. Sky is staring at the same wall. When I look at her, there are tears running down her face.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Alec.”
“It’s in the past, in a way. My last day here, I made a request. I told my parents that if I got sick again, I would rather not know. I said that I didn’t want to go through treatments again. I didn’t even want to do the regular checkups.”
I can see the shock in her face.
“Of course, you know my parents. They make me do the checkups. They said I was too young to make that kind of a decision, but I still fight them every single time. And I know that maybe I’ll never get sick again, but I’m not
ready to get all caught up with baseball again and end up having those dreams crushed, and this is also why I have the no dating rule. I’m not ready for the possibility of making someone suffer because of the decision I made.”
“Knock knock” I hear someone say. We both turn toward the door. I see a familiar face, and my heart drops.
Sky starts to move her hand away, but I tighten my grip before she can get away.
I’m looking at him… studying how different he looks, but I can feel Sky looking at me, “I’m not going anywhere,” she whispers.
“Craig?” I ask.
Craig is about a year younger than me, but he looks older and he has lost so much weight. We went to support group together, and we are complete opposites. I remember him being Mr. Positive.
“Yeah. It seems like I can’t get away from this place.”
He comes in and sits down, “So, what are you doing here?” he asks.
What do I say to someone who is back here? That I’m just showing a friend where I was during the worst time of my life?
I stand here, not knowing what to say.
He looks over at Skylar.
“Hi. I’m Craig.”
“I’m Skylar,” she says.
“Pretty name for a pretty girl,” he smiles and she blushes.
“You’re looking good—happy,” he says to me. “Are you playing again?”
“No.”
He shakes his head, “Wasting valuable time,” he says.
I lead Skylar to the chairs and we sit side by side.
“How are you?” I ask.
He cocks his head to the side and we both laugh.
“Sorry. I always hated when people asked me that,” I say.
He sits back and shakes his head.
“This just really blows. I mean, I’m having a good day today but I didn’t think I would be back here, you know? Hell, I was dating this awesome girl and had all these plans, and then everything went out the window so fast.”
I let go of Sky’s hand.
“That really sucks, man.”
“Yep.”
I skip the medical questions he probably doesn’t want to talk about. If he did, he would tell me.
“Is anyone else from the group back here?”
He shakes his head. “Do you remember Carly? The one who had a huge crush on you?”
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