by Lynn, JB
4
As Piss predicted, God was not happy that I was going to try to help Mia find her wayward hubby.
We were in my car, running an errand. God was on the dashboard, DeeDee had, for once, successfully claimed shotgun, Benny was in the cup holder, and Piss and Matilda were in the back seat. The look Susan had given me when I’d insisted on bringing the menagerie to go pick up milk, was withering. No doubt she’d compared me to Mia and her seemingly perfect life. Little did she know that Mia’s BMW was about to be repossessed.
“It’s like you go looking for trouble,” the lizard griped.
“I didn’t do anything,” I said defensively. “She definitely came looking for me.”
“I was there, and I’ll confirm that,” Piss piped up from the rear of the car.
“Thank you,” I murmured.
“But you could have said no,” God lectured. “One word. One complete sentence. No.”
I shook my head. “No, I really couldn’t.”
“Why not?” he asked.
I squeezed the steering wheel, transfering my tension to it. “I owe her.”
“A favor,” Piss elaborated. “That’s what she said, she was calling in the favor.”
“The favor?” God asked, picking up on the specific aspect of the ask.
“The favor,” I confirmed.
“And what is that?” the lizard wanted to know.
“Ancient history,” I muttered.
“Ancient history that’s important enough to risk your future on?” God asked.
“You and Armani think I’m going to die anyway,” I reminded him.
“Maybe you die doing this old favor,” he countered. “Did you even consider that?”
“I did not.” I pulled into the lot of the convenience store, unhooked my seatbelt once the car was in park, and buried my head in my hands. “I owe her.”
“For what?” God practically shouted.
“Archie,” I mumbled.
“Oh, we saw him today, too,” Piss supplied.
I turned my head and spread my fingers so I could peer through them enough to give her a dirty look.
“You neglected to mention that,” God chastised.
“Because we were talking about the other thing,” I told him.
“And what does dear old dad want?” the lizard asked tiredly.
“To cut a deal with Griswald,” I admitted. “At least that should have nothing to do with me.”
“Oh yay,” God drawled sarcastically. “I believe that.”
I dropped my hands from my face and frowned at him.
He flicked his tail, matching my level of annoyance. “What does Archie have to do with this mysterious favor?”
I glanced around. Even though the windows were closed, I had to make sure no one would overhear me.
“Mia gave Archie an alibi once when he really needed it.”
“Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!” Benny shouted from the cupholder.
“Et tu, little mouse?” I sighed.
“What did Archie do that he needed an alibi?” God asked.
I looked around again. “He was accused of murder.”
“Murder! Murder! Murder!” Benny chanted.
God looked to Piss. “Are you sure you can’t just eat him?”
“Careful, scale face,” she hissed. “He’s my friend.”
The lizard stuck his tongue out at the cat and then turned his attention back to me. “Who did he kill?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know whether he killed him or not.” Archie Lee was many things, but I could not see him as a murderer. Then again, except for those who knew the truth, I doubted many people would think I was a contract killer. Expectations are the equivalent of a mirage. People see what they want to.
God licked his eyeball, just because he knows it grosses me out. “Who was he accused of killing?”
“Some other lowlife criminal,” I muttered.
“And why did this Mia person provide him with an alibi?”
“Because she’s my friend.”
“It takes a special kind of friend to provide an alibi for murder,” God pointed out.
“It wasn’t like she did it for free. She said back then I’d owe her. Now, it’s time for me to repay my debt.”
5
I left the convenience store, having picked up said milk, and saw him as I returned to my car.
He was parked in the spot next to mine, out of sight of the security cameras but positioned so that we could talk. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to talk to him. I really didn’t need any more life complications at the moment.
Still, I got in my car, rolled down the window, and opened the container of olives I’d grabbed to soothe my nerves.
“Cup O’ Olives,” I said as a way of greeting. “Olives on the go. Man’s greatest invention.” I popped a green pimento-stuffed orb into my mouth and chewed happily. “Not gourmet but handy in a pinch.”
Gino, bodyguard of the mob boss Delveccio, listened to me extol the virtues of my favorite snack with an amused grin. That was a good sign. It meant he was in no rush and this was no now-or-never life-or-death situation.
He let me eat two more before he spoke. “So you know we watch your place.”
I nodded. The Delveccios watched my place, tracked my car, and for all I knew, monitored my bathroom habits.
“Mia Klugman.” Gino let the name hang there between us.
“Old friend,” I told him carefully, not wanting to reveal my hand too early. “We went to high school together.”
“Uh huh.” Gino waited. Clearly, he thought there was more to the story of her sudden visit.
“How do you know her?” I asked, eating another olive.
“Her husband owes the boss money.”
I choked on my salty treat. Spluttering, I gasped for air.
“Heimlich!” God screamed. “Do the Heimlich maneuver on her!”
Piss leapt off the back seat, hitting my shoulder with all her might. I crashed into the steering wheel.
“Do it again!” God yelled. “She’s choking to death!”
I swallowed the olive, but before I could assure the cat I was okay, Matilda slammed her body weight into the back of my seat, ramming me into the steering wheel again.
“Stop!” I gasped, thinking that if DeeDee made an attempt, I’d end up with cracked ribs. “I can breathe.”
“Well done.” God nervously paced the length of the dashboard. “Excellent job. You kept her alive.”
“Good job! Good job! Good job!” Benny cheered.
I heard laughter coming from nearby. Looking over, I saw that Gino was resting his forehead on his steering wheel overcome with mirth. I couldn’t blame him. It must have been quite the sight to see the animals colliding with me.
I finished my olives while he got himself under control.
“Like I was saying,” he said finally, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes, “Leonard Klugman owes the boss.”
“I’ve never met him,” I replied. That was the truth.
“Yeah, right. You were just having an impromptu visit with your BFF from high school.”
I nodded.
“And your dad just happened to be there.” Gino’s tone was deceptively casual.
I glanced at him nervously. His expression revealed nothing. He was just waiting for me to make the next move.
“Archie wants to talk to Griswald,” I said, knowing there was no point in denying my father’s location.
“But he’s waiting to get new furniture for his tent before he invites the U.S. Marshal over? Or is he trying to perfect his snickerdoodle recipe?”
I gulped. “I don’t know what he’s waiting for.”
Gino’s gaze narrowed.
“Really,” I told him. “I didn’t even know he was there until today.”
He nodded slowly.
“And Mia doesn’t know he’s there.”
“Why’d she come to see you?”
I shook my head.
>
“Why, Maggie?” His tone was uncharacteristically harsh. “Her husband shorted the boss. You do not want to get in the middle of this thing.”
“I like the bodyguard more and more,” God inserted from the dash. “He makes a lot of sense. He’s looking out for your best interests. Listen to the man.”
Ignoring the lizard, I told Gino, “Mia asked me to find him.”
“Leonard?”
I nodded.
“Half the damn town is looking for him.” He gave me a hard look. “Tell me you didn’t agree to help her.”
I looked away.
“Well, then you’re going to have to tell her that you changed your mind,” Gino insisted. “You need to stay clear of this mess, Maggie.”
“I can’t,” I told him quietly, staring straight ahead.
“You mean you won’t,” he spat back.
I glanced back at him, surprised by his reaction. One of the reasons I like Gino is that most of the time he tends to take things in stride. This was not one of those times. I felt badly he was upset, but my hands were tied. “It’s complicated.”
“You know what’s complicated, Maggie,” he said quietly. “Keeping you safe. Running interference between you and half the damn world. Making sure that none of your crazy family gets jammed up. That’s what’s complicated. Saying no to this old friend. That’s easy. That’s what anyone with an iota of sense would do.”
Before I could respond, he gunned his engine and sped away.
“He’s right,” God said.
“I know.” I hung my head. I could sense that this thing with Mia was going to end in disaster.
DeeDee licked my hand. At first, I thought she was offering support, but then I realized she was just after the olive brine.
“There’s no statute of limitations on murder,” I muttered. “I have to help her. If she were to retract the alibi…”
“Considering how upset Gino just was, I’m thinking Armani may be right,” God said sadly. “This may kill you.”
6
After I stowed the milk in the refrigerator and Piss, Benny, and Matilda in my bedroom, I took DeeDee and God to see my father.
As we approached his tent, Mike flew above us. “There’re two of them.”
“Two of who?” I asked.
“Two lurkers,” the crow said.
I frowned, wondering who the latest trespasser was.
“They’ve been fighting,” the bird revealed.
“Who?”
“The lurkers,” he cawed.
“Where’s the other one?” I asked.
I didn’t need him to answer because, suddenly, my father and the other lurker were visible. At least it wasn’t a stranger or someone dangerous.
“Maggie!” Uncle Thurston called, a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his eye. My father’s twin, the man who’d raised my brother Ian, gave me a big hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You could just come up to the house,” I told him. Unlike my father, he’d be welcomed.
“I wanted to talk to Archibald,” he explained.
I glanced over at my dad, who was frowning at DeeDee, lips pursed, eyebrows knit together. Something was clearly bothering him, and I didn’t think it was just the Doberman.
“I interrupted an argument?” I guessed, piecing what I saw with what Mike had told me.
“Nothing for you to worry about,” Thurston assured me as he scowled at his brother.
I rolled my eyes. I’m fond of Uncle Thurston and think he’s probably a much better man than my dad, but he was also an enabler. If Archie Lee was up to something, he’d use whoever he had to in order to achieve his desired result.
“Mia looking for The Lion?” Archie asked without even glancing over at me.
I was surprised that he knew. “Yes.”
“So are a lot of other people,” he said.
“That’s what I heard,” I quipped back.
That got his attention. He frowned at me. “Who told you that?”
“Mia.” The lie came easily and automatically. I didn’t want him to know that Delveccio had him under surveillance. He might freak out. He was enough of a loose cannon on his calmer days. “Any idea where I could find him?”
“How would I know?” My father managed to sound insulted I’d asked. “Why ask me?”
“Probably because you spend half your life on the run,” Thurston pointed out drily. He was the straight arrow of the pair, and like me, he could become impatient with his brother’s antics.
Archie shrugged. “He probably has access to a lot of real estate.”
“You don’t think everyone else that’s looking for him would have checked that out?” I mocked.
Dad squinted at me, a glimmer of respect in his eye. “You’re probably right.”
“What don’t they know about?” I asked.
He considered the question for a minute. “Maybe…” he began carefully. “Maybe, if he was that kind of guy, not that I am, he might have put some property in the wife’s name.”
I frowned, wondering how many times he’d pulled that stunt with my mom, who resides in a mental health facility.
“Her maiden name,” Dad added, like by being helpful it would somehow erase the wrongs he’d committed from my memory.
Still, he was being cooperative and that deserved some recognition. “Thank you.”
“Anything for you, Maggie May,” he said with a smile.
“Awww,” God whispered. “He loves you. In his own dysfunctional way, but he does.”
I knew he was right. Tears pricked the back of my eyes.
“You should make your peace with him,” the lizard urged. “You don’t want to die having left things unsaid.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I choked out. “I appreciate your help.”
“Something else bothering you, Maggie May?” he asked worriedly.
I shook my head, stumbling away, and headed back to the house with DeeDee at my side. “I’ll see you at the meeting spot,” I said over my shoulder.
“I’ll be there,” he pledged.
“What’s wrong?” God asked once we were out of earshot.
“I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this. First, Armani’s prediction, then, Mia’s request…” I didn’t add that it had been unsettling to have him urging me to make my peace before I died.
“So say no,” God urged.
“I can’t. She’ll send Dad to prison.”
“Back to prison,” the lizard corrected. “And you don’t know that she’ll do that. She hasn’t for all these years.”
“Because it was leverage,” I muttered.
“Wonderful friends you choose to have,” God pointed out.
“Don’t pick on my friends,” I warned. “Armani and Zeke are great friends.”
After a moment of silence, he agreed. “They are. Loyal and true.”
As though just mentioning her name had summoned her like a genie from a bottle, Armani appeared before me, beaming and waving her good arm. “Chica!”
I couldn’t tell if she was happy to see me, or just relieved I was still alive. Either way, I did my best to paste on a smile. “What’s up?”
“You are a genius!” she declared.
“Highly debatable,” God muttered. “In fact, I’d say it’s highly unlikely.”
Having no idea what my friend was talking about, I said carefully, “Am I?”
She nodded. “They were incredible. I love them. Loretta loves them. Customers love them.”
“Soulful and Sinful,” I deduced.
“I thought the singing drag queens were a gimmick,” Armani gushed. “A clever one, but a gimmick. But they can really sing.”
“Awesome,” I murmured.
“They deserve a better venue than The Corset,” she continued, warming to her point. “I’m going to offer to fund a demo for them.”
“I thought they were supposed to attract traffic to the store,” I reminded her.
She gave me an appalle
d look. “You can’t silence the magic of their voices.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “I wasn’t trying to silence anyone. I was just pointing out that—”
“Margaret?” another voice yelled. “Is that you?”
I squinted at Armani. “Tell me the truth. Is there some doppelganger of mine that wanders around impersonating me?”
She stared at me like I’m nuts. “What?”
I shrugged. “It’s just that my aunts are always asking, ‘Is that you?’ and I really don’t understand why.”
While we talked, Aunt Loretta teetered up to me, blinking her fake eyebrows and wobbling in her sky-high stilettos. She grabbed my arm to steady herself. “What were you thinking?”
“The stench,” God groaned. “It burns.”
Holding my breath so as not to breathe in the fumes of my aunt’s overpowering perfume, I shrugged helplessly.
“Why were you holding out? Were you trying to ruin everything?” Loretta gave my arm a shake.
I exhaled and said, “What—”
“Soulful and Sinful are going to put us on the map!” she declared. “The whole world is going to know about The Corset. Forget Victoria and Frederick…when people think lingerie, they’re going to think Loretta.”
“And Armani,” my friend interjected, since she’d been the one to invest the capital to keep the shop open. Plus, she’d been the person who’d hired the singers.
Loretta nodded distractedly. “We’re going to broadcast shows on the computer internet. We’ll have a worldwide web audience.”
“That’s my idea,” Armani explained. “We’re going to call it ‘Streaming Sexy with Soulful and Sinful’.”
I winced, imagining what Susan’s reaction to this latest development would be. I hoped Loretta and Armani wouldn’t give me credit.
“World domination!” Loretta declared.
“Domination After Dark,” Armani said excitedly. “That sounds catchy, too, doesn’t it?”
Loretta nodded vigorously. The two of them shuffled off, Loretta in her heels and Armani with her limp, dreaming up ways to broadcast their biz to the unsuspecting world.
“Maybe I should try to talk them out of this,” I mused aloud.
“Maybe you should just let people deal with the consequences of their own bad choices,” God muttered. “Speaking of which, you need to tell Mia you can’t help her. You don’t want to get on the Delveccios’ bad side.”