“Will you report them?” Helga demanded.
Marta finished the accusation. “Don’t be so weak, Rudi. It is your duty.”
He brushed past them, saying nothing.
“Maybe I will,” Helga said smugly as he headed down the hall. “Then we’ll see who is the most loyal to the Vaterland.”
Werde der du bist, his mother had told him. Become who you are. Except he’d had no idea who he was. Not like his sisters. Helga and Marta had been outstanding members of the Jungmädelbund, then the Bund Deutscher Mädel in the Hitlerjugend, and finally the Glaube und Schönheit, where they were groomed to become model wives who would produce model sons. They could hardly wait to prove themselves. Rudi had been proud of his role in the military, but his sisters had been more than that. Every cell in their bodies had been devoted to der Führer and his vision of the world. And when Rudi walked away from that long-ago conversation in the living room, he’d seen contempt on his sisters’ faces.
Maybe he should have done something, spoken to them of love and family, of loyalty and understanding. But he had been no more than a boy. Years later, as he coasted out to sea, he had no doubt Helga and Marta would have jostled for position to report their parents for being disloyal. And he knew how the authorities would have treated his sisters’ report, because he’d seen it happen many times to other people. It wouldn’t have mattered that his father’s military record was exemplary; that would have been smashed to pieces by their twisted declaration. His father would most likely have died trying to protect his wife. Once he was gone, Rudi’s mother would have been shipped to a bleak, hopeless camp with nothing but her memories and her devotion to God’s word. Not enough by far.
Linda’s words from that morning stuck in his head, meaning so much more than she could ever know. We’re supposed to report people for doing that kind of thing, she had said. He knew that rule so well. At least with him gone, she would not be able to report them. Wherever he went he would have to start over, change who he was yet again. He was almost getting used to this transient life. If he could live his life all over again, how would he do it?
An idea snuck in without his bidding, and though Adam’s death filled him with guilt, his skin prickled with a suggestion of hope.
No one had any idea Adam even existed.
Grace
THIRTY-THREE
Grace was still steaming about Linda when she got to the store. She slid the key into the lock, and the cheery bell welcomed her inside. She couldn’t entirely blame her friend, she reasoned, because if Grace had walked in on Linda in the arms of a stranger, she would have questioned it, too. Especially if those arms belonged to a German. But still. Linda was like a dog on a bone. If she wasn’t so darn nosy there would be no problem at all.
A square of paper lay on the floor by the counter, neatly folded. She picked it up and turned it over, startled to see her name printed on the other side. She’d seen that handwriting before, she thought, and unease stirred as she unfolded the note. Grace never had been able to get past her terrible habit of flipping to the end of a book to see the ending first, so she couldn’t stop her eyes from dropping to the name at the bottom. Her pulse quickened. Rudi.
Hello Grace
I am sorry. I must go away. I cannot make Trouble for Family.
Grace, I am very sad to leave you. You are special to me. I am dreaming of you, and I keep you safe in my Heart. Thank you for Trust, for believing in me. I wish you Happiness in Life.
Mit herzlichen Grüßen,
Rudi
She leaned against the counter and read the note twice more, blinking through tears, trying to convince herself it wasn’t real. But every time she read his letter the words said the same thing.
He was gone.
A teardrop fell and smudged his writing, so she set the letter on the counter to keep the rest of it dry. She folded her arms to stop herself from reaching for it again, but she couldn’t simply forget the carefully drawn letters. What had been going through his head as he stumbled through the words? What did he mean about causing trouble? Had he done something? The thought that he might be hiding another secret made her feel a bit queasy. Or was it something else? Had she done something? Said something? Had the intimate moment they’d shared that morning chased him away?
She pressed her hands against her cheeks, imagining she could still feel the warmth of his coat against her skin, rough and reassuring, smelling of wood and grease and Rudi. That memory and this little piece of paper were all she had of him now. All the happiness she’d felt, all the hope and light . . . it was gone. How could he have left her? What could have made him—
The truth hit her. Linda. He must have overheard her threats. And though Grace knew her family was doing the right thing, Linda’s accusations had still made her feel ashamed somehow. What would that have felt like to Rudi, hearing that his very presence endangered the Bakers? She knew how much he respected her father, how much he’d come to trust and love her family. He would have left without hesitation, needing to protect them. What would she have done in his shoes?
“I wouldn’t have run,” she informed the letter. “I would have stayed. I would have fought back.”
The more she thought of his leaving, the tighter her jaw became. Why hadn’t he come to her? Maybe they could have solved it together if only he’d trusted her. He was always so full of compliments, but what about commitment? What about sticking around when the going got tough? How could he just leave her like this?
Except she also had to admit that life here wasn’t the same for Rudi as it was for her. She was in no danger of being thrown in jail—or worse—and nobody was about to get in trouble because of her. Rudi was probably right to go, she admitted, except . . . when she thought of him gone, she felt off balance, as if an empty space had just opened up beside her.
She teetered on the edge, fighting disbelief. How could this have happened? They were from different worlds in every sense of the word, and yet despite everything, they’d found each other. They’d found love . . . then he’d left it behind.
“Stop that,” she said out loud, containing her emotions. She had no right to just stand here and feel sorry for herself. She had work to do. A life to live. She had it so much better than so many other people. If Rudi was gone, he was gone. She would have to accept that and move on. Stepping behind the counter, she reached for her apron and tied it around her waist. She needed to focus on inventory, since the store was running low on a few items. List in hand, she walked to the shelves and started marking things down.
But when she reached towards the higher shelves, her mind flew right back to Rudi, to how he’d stood there for the longest time, reading labels with such determination. She thought of his first tentative efforts to barter food for fur, then his pride when he’d given her that sweet ladybug, still perched in a place of honour in her bedroom. She thought of the dance, of how her heart had pounded when his arm slipped around her waist. She’d followed his steps, trusted him to guide her. She couldn’t recall anyone else being in the building, had no idea what song the band played, but she remembered with perfect clarity the sense of contentment that had filled her entire being during that one brief dance.
He’d approached her as a stranger, walking across that dance floor and offering his hand. It was true he’d come from a whole different world, but there was nothing foreign about Rudi anymore. Not to Grace. Being in his arms felt like home. Like she’d finally found what she hadn’t known was missing. She wanted him. She loved him.
She’d survived loneliness before, knew its ache, but everything was different this time. With her brothers, she had felt as if everything she’d ever known in her past was gone. With Rudi, it was her future.
THIRTY-FOUR
Four days later Grace answered a knock on the door, and for a moment she couldn’t speak. Rudi stood before her, hat in hand. It was almost like seeing Norman after being told he was dead.
“Grace, I—”
&nbs
p; She cut him off by throwing her arms around his neck. “I thought you were gone,” she cried. “I thought I would never see you again.”
“I am sorry, Grace. I did not know what to do,” he said, holding her tight. “I could not make your family being in danger. But now things are changed.”
He drew away, his fingers curled around her arms. The intensity was back in his eyes, blazing over the dark circles beneath. She’d seen that beseeching look before from him, and her stomach sank. What now?
“Please,” he said. “I need to speak with you and your family.”
He had gone to Borgles Island, he told them. There he was attacked by a crazy man named Adam, and Rudi had killed him in a fight. That’s all Grace understood from his explanation, because her mind was stuck on the first part. He had gone to Borgles Island, the place where the U-boat had gone down. He’d gone back to find his crewmates.
How could she have fallen for this man, even believed she could be in love with him? Every sentence he stumbled through reminded her that he was the enemy, and he was a liar. She could never trust a man like that with her heart. She’d be better off as a spinster.
Her father was watching Rudi closely, arms crossed. “You disappear from here without a word, and you kill a man.”
Rudi turned to Grace, but she didn’t help him. He was on his own. “It was accident. He has knife,” he gestured to his bloodstained sleeve, “and I have only hands. I take you to see the man, yes? You are seeing is accident.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to go, make sure he’s buried right.” Her father shook his head, clearly annoyed. “Why did you go to Borgles Island in the first place?”
“To look for his men,” Grace said through her teeth.
“No, Grace. Not for men. In camp, Tommy is telling me other German people live on island. I think if I find them maybe they are helping me go to Germany.”
“That’s a lie,” she hissed. She could see the hurt in his eyes, and she channeled her own into anger. “You knew the men from your submarine might be there, and you went to find them. You are a spy after all.”
His nostrils flared slightly. “No, Grace. I say to you one more time only. It is last chance to believe me. I am not spy, and I am not lying.” He held out his hands. “I put note under door. You find this?”
She didn’t trust herself to speak. She had cried over that note for the last four nights. Now that he was here, her emotions were in turmoil. He had left her. He had broken her heart. How could she trust him to stay?
“What note?” her father asked.
Rudi took a deep breath. “I go to island because I need to go away from here. I do not want people to say Baker family hide Nazi. This means trouble for Bakers. I do not want to hurt this family. I say this in note for Grace.”
“I’m confused. Why did you come back here to tell us this?” her mother asked. “You could have just kept going.”
“Please understand, Mrs. Baker. I go to island because I not want your family in danger,” he repeated. “That is truth. But I come back because is more to tell.”
He began by informing them that Tommy had been right about the couple on Borgles Island. “But Tommy is not knowing people have son. He is man now, not boy. Parents keep him on island because he is not smart.” He jabbed his thumb against his temple. “He cannot think like man, only boy. You understand?”
Danny looked sideways at him. “You saying he was an imbecile?”
“I think is right word. Please understand, in Germany they do not want people like this. Government is sterilisieren, means they not let them make babies. I am sorry. I do not know word.”
Grace’s mother did, though. “I read about that,” Audrey said, surprising Grace. “They sterilize handicapped adults so they can purify the race. Hitler is obsessed with making Germany what he considers to be perfect.”
“Yes! This is what Hitler wants. So parents come to Borgles Island and tell nobody about son. He never meets other people. Never.” Then he explained how Adam’s parents had died in the U-boat explosion and how Adam had killed the two German soldiers.
“So there were German soldiers over there!” Grace exclaimed. “The army just didn’t see them.”
“No,” he told her firmly. “Adam kill navy men before army is coming. Adam has knife. He cut me, then he is coming again, so I hit, and he . . .” He grimaced. “It is accident.”
Grace’s eyes went to Rudi’s bloody sleeve and her resolve softened slightly. How long since he’d last slept?
Then Rudi said, “What I say tonight, all of this is truth. And now I must tell one lie.” He pulled a faded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her father. “But it is very big lie. And it is lie I am telling until I am dead.”
She leaned over to read it, then sat up, regarding Rudi skeptically. “Adam’s birth certificate?”
“Yes. No person knows this man. No one. If I am taking his paper, I am him.”
Her father was studying Rudi with a kind of disbelief. He reread the certificate, then handed it back. “I don’t know, Rudi. It’s not easy to live a lie your whole life. Why would you want to do this?”
“Because I do not want to go to Germany, sir. I want to stay here. I want to work hard and be happy.” Rudi looked directly at Grace, lowered his voice. “I want to be with you, Grace.”
Grace covered her mouth, battling tears. She wanted so badly to understand him, to trust him, to go back to how things were four days earlier, but she was so tired of putting her heart out and then getting it stepped on.
Her father cleared his throat. “Rudi—”
“Please,” he interrupted, exasperation in his voice. “I need to talk. I know you think I am telling lies all the time. I know this, and is difficult for me. Before I come here”—he lifted his chin with pride—“I am the man people trust. People come to me for help. I tell truth all my life, sir.” A sad smile touched his mouth. “Only here, I do not know what to say. You ask who I am, and I say too many truths, maybe.” He held up one finger. “I see Grace at store, and I tell her my friends go but I stay. This is truth.” A second finger joined the first. “I say yes when Tommy says I am deserter, and now I understand this also is truth.” Looking resigned, he added his thumb. “Number three is I am afraid I make trouble for your family, so I go away. This is truth.” He faced Grace, pleading for understanding. “If I find other Germans on island, maybe they are sending me back. If I am in Germany, I make no trouble for you.”
He held out the piece of paper. “Now I know what to do, and this is my only lie. This man, Adam, is dead. But he is dead means I can live. This paper is telling people I am on island many years, so I am not Nazi. Yes, I lie about before, but if I am Adam I tell truth about who I am now.”
The room fell silent, then an unexpected voice said, “I like it.” Everyone’s attention went to Norman, sitting across the room and nodding his approval. “I’m with you, Rudi.”
THIRTY-FIVE
“I want to speak for Rudi,” Norman said, his voice quiet but firm. His fingers tapped softly on the arms of his chair. “I think he’s having a bit of trouble, and somebody’s got to stick up for him. And, well, since we’re all being so honest here, I gotta say I’m also pretty sure his plan’ll work.”
At first no one said anything; they were too shocked to hear Norman speak up like this. He’d been steadily improving, but this was unexpected.
Danny broke the silence. “You been sitting around for a while now, not quite yourself. You feel fit enough to get into this conversation?”
“You’re a tough act to follow, Dad, but yeah. I think I can, if that’s okay.”
“Go ahead. We’re listening.”
“I’ve never been in a sub, and I never will, God willing.” He grimaced at the thought. “But Rudi lived in one of those buckets of bolts, and he followed orders. That’s the way it goes. Whatever branch of service you’re in, you sign up and you swear you’re gonna go where you’re sent and do what you’re told
. Dad, you know what I’m talking about. I know you never planned on living in those trenches, eating rats and stuff.”
Norman’s eyes were bright and clear. Grace stared at him in wonder.
“I’m only saying that because it’s the truth, Dad. I know you don’t like to talk about it, and now I understand why. I truly wish I did not, and I’m sorry I ever questioned what you were going through.”
Danny accepted the acknowledgement and the apology without a sound.
“The way I see it,” Norman continued, “we’re all in this boat together. Rudi’s just another passenger.” He cocked his head to one side. “It’s like, well, it’s like when I was being shipped into Dieppe. We were boxed together like matchsticks, all of us scared out of our minds, puking on each other’s boots, praying, crying . . . and when they lowered the hatch we ran out like sheep. Shots were flying, and some of my friends dropped dead in the boat where they stood. I never got a chance to say anything to them. Like everyone else, I ran for my life. I was terrified. As you know, I ended up cowering in the rocks under a dead soldier,” he said, chuckling to himself. “I can tell you, that was not how I’d planned to fight this war.” He turned to Rudi. “And I doubt very much that being here with us is how Rudi thought it would go for him. Am I right?”
Rudi was watching him, gratitude plain on his face, and sympathy warred with Grace’s doubts.
Norman let out a long, slow breath. “I haven’t told you my whole story, and I’m sure you’ve been curious,” he said. “I guess I’ve been too ashamed to say anything about it until now, but I’m watching Rudi, and I’m learning what it’s like to stand up to your fears. He’s doing a strong thing here, and it’s gotta feel like the whole world’s against him.”
Norman seemed reluctant to go on, but everyone was waiting. “And I kinda know exactly what he’s talking about. You see, the truth is,” he said, “well, I’m a deserter.”
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