by J. J. McAvoy
He was pitiful.
He was fucking selfish.
And he knew how to gut people with words.
He could at least cry.
Me. What could I do? Who could I cry to?
Fuck tears.
He could cry.
I’ll work.
He could run.
I’ll carry this on my own.
Just like I knew I would.
TWENTY
“There’s a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.”
~ David Platt
EVELYN
You’d think I’d be used to this.
How many times had I gone through this?
I’d lost people so often that it had become part of my muscle memory. I knew all the stages I would go through. How long it would take before I found the will to smile again. I knew the aching would last forever, like a dull knife taking an eternity to tear off a piece of my heart. Even in my mind I couldn’t help but organize—call the casket maker, the grounds keeper, the family florist, and the family church…have all the clothes sent to everyone’s rooms. There needed to be a statement, and then when it was over, I’d come home to silence that was deafening. I’d try to smile while everyone checked on me because I was one heartbreak away from closing my eyes and never getting up again.
This life was horrid.
I was living my punishment.
Every once in a while, I’d forget this was hell, and I’d get comfortable. The moment I did, however, hell would remind me that I didn’t deserve to smile. I didn’t deserve joy. I was being punished. Why had we chosen this life?
When I was young, I was told because we would have starved and died had no one taken care of our families. But now that I was old, I knew that was no longer the reason. We couldn’t stop. We couldn’t walk away from it. The drugs and the power…we couldn’t let it go, because we knew if we did, it would be certain death. We’d caused so much pain, had hurt so many people, had destroyed so many families…but if we stopped, we’d die because they would come for us. How could they not? When we were strong, they came for us. If we were weak, they’d come even more.
So we had to commit.
We had to walk this hell, and we forced our children, and their children, to walk it, too, because no matter how evil we were… the one thing we wanted more than anything else was for our children to live.
So we fed them the poison, forced them to get used to it, corrupted them, stole their innocence…because we loved them. We loved so much that, even if it meant hurting them, we’d do it because it meant they could live.
But when they stopped living.
When they died.
All we could see were our mistakes.
See where we failed and weep in horror for what we had done to them.
“Wyatt…” Grabbing onto my chest, I tried to breathe, but couldn’t...my baby…my grandbaby…I’m so sorry.
EVELYN – AGE FIFTY-EIGHT
“Nana? Nana?”
“Hmm.” Opening my eyes, I saw two brown eyes with green specks staring right back at me. He grinned from ear to ear, getting on my bed and laying down next to me.
“What were you dreaming about? You looked happy.”
Placing my hands on his small little face, I smiled. “I was dreaming of your grandpapa.”
“My dad’s dad?” he asked, so curious.
I laughed, nodding. “Yes, your dad’s dad. You’re named after him you know. His name was Sedric. That was actually going to be your first name, but your parents were worried about me having to hear the name Sedric every day.”
“But Sedric’s name is Sedric.” He looked so confused.
“Yeah, but he’s younger than you. I was a little more okay then and happy to hear it.”
“Grandpop’s name made you sad? I’m sorry, Nana.” He reached over and pet my face gently, and it was so cute of him. He was so gentle.
“It’s okay, dear. I’m okay now. Every once in a while, I see him in my dreams, and I get really happy.”
“He should come to your dreams more.” He grinned. “That way you can always wake up happy, Nana.”
That would actually hurt more. But I didn’t want to mess with his innocent four-year-old mind. I wanted him to truly believe that seeing the people you love could never be a bad thing, even if it was just in a dream.
“Wouldn’t that be nice? Is there anything you dream of that makes you happy?”
He thought about it, his face bunching up, and then his eyes lit up. “I dream of going to Candyland, where Mom never tells me to eat vegetables because there are no vegetables.”
He said it so earnestly, I couldn’t help but laugh. Pulling him to me, I hugged him tightly. “I’ll take you to get candy later…but don’t tell your mom, deal?”
“Deal!” He gave me the thumbs-up signal and then looked at me seriously. “Can you help me, Nana?”
I frowned, not sure what else he could possibly need. He wiggled away from me and off my bed, picking something up to show me. When it came into focus more, I read the title out loud. “The Countless Adventures of the Invincible Little Bear?”
He nodded. “Dona can read it. I wanna to read it, too.”
“You don’t want to ask your mom? I’m sure she would love to teach it to you.” I asked him, and he shook his head no as he climbed onto the bed.
“No, I wanna read to Mommy. I wanna surprise her.” He lifted the book to give it to me.
Sitting up, I made room for him, and he curled up beside me. He even helped me flip to the first page and then pointed to the first word, waiting for me to speak.
“This. Is. The. Story. About. The. Invincible. Little. Bear,” I said the first line slowly, then pointed to the first line. “Your turn.”
“This. Is. The. Story. About. The. Invincible. Little. Bear.”
I looked down at him, somewhat shocked, and grinned. “That was amazing, Wyatt. You’re a natural.”
He blushed and moved his finger to the next line, looking back up at me eagerly. Remind me why I couldn’t go to sleep forever. I couldn’t stop living or else I’d miss out on moments like this…his smile gave me a little bit of life.
“I love you, Wyatt,” I said to him.
And he smiled. “Love you, too, Nana. What’s next?”
Yeah… I loved him and his siblings and cousins too much to ever just leave.
EVELYN – NOW
“Evelyn!”
Before I realized it, I felt the oxygen over my mouth. Inhaling a bit, I wiped away my tears, but I couldn’t wipe away the aching in my heart.
“Go call a doctor,” Mina hollered at the nurse beside us. I waved them off. “Evelyn—”
Taking the mask from my face, I took another short breath. “I’m fine. Don’t make a fuss, please. Not over me, too.”
She stared at me for a long time before finally nodding.
“I’m going to find Ethan and Sedric. Neal went to pick up Darcy and Declan from the airport,” she whispered to me before looking at the nurse. “You leave her alone or I’ll hang you.”
When she was gone, I held the mask back to my face, outstretching my hand for support, and began to rise.
“Take me to my grandson’s room,” I said, already walking. Everything in me hurt, but I wasn’t going to sleep yet. I refused. They still needed me. When the glass doors slid open and I saw him just lying there, my body began to shake. I couldn’t control it.
“Evelyn!”
Freezing, my eyes widened so much, the tears dropped from them as I turned to look at her. There green eyes that were as sharp as razors, filled with tears she would not let fall.
“Melody,” I said through gritted teeth, grabbing on to her arms tightly. “Where the hell were you? WHERE WERE YOU?! You said you did this for them! So you could watch out for them. Where were you? Where is Liam? Where is—”
The needle was cold and quick, like a small bug bite, and before I knew it my l
egs couldn’t hold me anymore. But I didn’t fall; instead, his arms were around me. He squeezed my shoulders before setting be back down on the wheelchair. Coming around me, he lifted my legs onto the steps, and my heart pounded against my chest. I wanted to see him. I hated the blonde wig on his head. I wanted to see my son.
“Liam,” I called out softly.
And he paused for a moment and looked up to me. Instead of his green eyes, I saw brown. But I knew it was him.
“Sweetheart—”
“We were late, Mom. I’m sorry.” The pain in his eyes was real. It only added to my own, but he held it back. He kissed my hands and then my forehead before moving over to the bed. My eyelids felt heavy, and everything started to blur.
I could see them. He tried to pull her away from the bed, but she broke out of his hold and just sobbed over Wyatt. I don’t think I could remember the last time I saw them cry. Liam hung his head, trying to breathe, running has hands through is hair, before finally grabbing her arm and yelling something into her face. She froze, still not letting go. But whatever he did must have worked. She wiped her face, lifted the surgical mask over her mouth, and turned. She didn’t want to move. And just when I thought she was going to leave again, she turned back around to put a kiss on his forehead before walking away.
I caught her eyes as she left.
I remembered those eyes.
Green or brown…I remembered those eyes because they were so familiar to my own.
I wished I had the strength to ask where she was then.
When she was gone, I stared over at them, my boys. Liam said nothing. He didn’t weep. He didn’t lose himself in rage. It was like he and Melody had switched personalities. Instead, he put his hand on his son’s head and whispered something into his ear before turning and leaving too.
The last words I heard from him this time were, “This isn’t over, Mom. They will pay for this. The world will pay.”
That was the problem.
Everyone had to pay with their children.
TWENTY-ONE
“Love is breathing in each other with all madness.”
~ Seema Gupta
HELEN
It hurt.
Everything hurt.
Like the world was trying to crush me to pieces.
“Helen?”
Mom?
“Helen, sweetheart can you hear me?”
Dad?
“Come on, sis.”
Darcy?
Why was everyone here? No, not everyone…Wyatt. Where was Wyatt’s voice?... Why…do…they…always…gotta…gotta ruin my day. I heard them, but not the one voice I wanted to hear. No. Please no. It was nightmare. Panic flooded me as I remembered the blood…the bullets.
He went down!
He went down!
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
“Helen! Helen, calm down!” my dad yelled at me, but I didn’t understand. Where was Wyatt? “Sweetheart, please!”
It hurt!
Opening my eyes, the lights were so bright they were blinding. I coughed and struggled against the tube in my mouth.
“Helen, hold on…”
Mom…
“She’s choking. Get it out of her!”
Dad…
Where’s Wyatt?
“…whe…” I coughed. My throat felt like sandpaper and tree bark, but I needed to speak. As I opened my eyes, they wandered all over until finally the blurs became steady, and I could see them. Mom and Darcy were on one side, and my dad on the other. They looked…like they hadn’t slept or changed in weeks.
“Sweetheart!” My mom put her hand on my face, and tears came pouring down.
I tried to reach up to brush their hands away, but my hands felt weird. Looking down, I saw the large bandages and wires in my hand, holding it down. Again, my heart felt heavy, and my throat closed up.
“It’s okay.” My dad put his white hand over my wrist. “You’re okay. Five fingers. Five toes. You’re okay, breathe.”
I took a deep breath and looked around again…it was a hospital. Okay, we’re in a hospital.
“That’s right, sweetheart, breathe,” my mom said as she brushed my hair from my face.
Looking at her, I took another deep breath…ignoring the pain, opening my mouth. All I could manage to say was, “W…y…Wyatt.”
I waited, looking toward her and waited, but she just stared back at me. Why was she just staring at me? Was my voice too low? Swallowing slowly, I opened my mouth one more time, making sure to clearly say it so she could hear me. “W...Wyatt?”
Again, she didn’t reply. Instead, her eyes…they looked like she was about to cry. Looking away from her and to my father, I asked again. “Wyatt?”
He made a face, like he cringed, and maybe he thought I didn’t notice because he forced himself to smile. “Rest, sweetheart, we’ll talk later—”
“WYATT!” I screamed, shifting my gaze around my parents to my brother. Knowing he wouldn’t lie to me, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Since they wouldn’t tell me, I looked to my left, and thankfully, that hand was listening to me. Gritting my teeth, I lifted it and tried to yank the wires of myself.
“Helen, stop!” my dad hollered, grabbing onto my hand.
“WYATT!”
“Helen, you just need to relax. You’ve been asleep for a few days—”
Why couldn’t they hear? “WYATT! WHERE IS WYATT? ANSWER ME!”
“HE’S BRAIN DEAD!” Darcy finally yelled back at me, eyes filled with tears. He put his hand on my arm. “He…a bullet cracked his skull…that, plus the rest of his injuries…it was too much. He was declared brain dead three day ago. We haven’t turned off the machines. We were waiting for Ethan to go get Dona and for you to wake up. But he’s gone.”
I stared at him and shook my head. I tried to move out of bed. But I couldn’t. It felt like everyone was holding me down.
“Helen, please, please. We almost lost you.” My mom tried to touch me, but I shook my head.
“I…ne…ed…to…see…him,” I said to her.
“Helen, he’ll still be here,” my dad whispered, putting his hand on my head, but I shook it off.
“If…he’s…dead…you’re…burying…me…too!”
“HELEN!” my mom screamed in my face. She grabbed onto me and yelled. “STOP! Please just stop! He’s gone! Sweetheart, I know you both were close. But you need to rest—”
“I…love…him.”
“I know, baby—”
I shook my head again. They weren’t hearing me. Goddamn, my throat. I needed to speak. “I love him…like you…like you love dad…he goes…I go.”
“What?” my father barely whispered out. I couldn’t read his face, but I didn’t know what to do but tell the truth.
My eyes burned from my own tears, but I couldn’t stop. I needed them to know. I needed them to hear.
“We…he…was…going to tell you…when you came…. b…back.” I smiled despite my tears. “We were…happy. So happy. He’s not gone, Daddy. He wouldn’t leave me here.”
He let go of my hand, shaking his head as if he couldn’t understand me. His eyebrows frowned together. “What are you saying to me right now, Helen? He was your cousin.”
“Is.” I corrected and smiled. “But not by blood, though.”
He didn’t speak. He just stared at me. I looked over to my mom, hoping she’d understand, but she was too worried over my heart rate. “Mommy…I need to see him.”
“Helen, we just got you back, please don’t—”
“You will lose me. I swear, if you don’t take me to him,” I whispered, my voice no longer as high as I wanted it to be.
They all stood there like shocked, confused mannequins. No one moved. No one said anything. Instead, they made me feel like I was delusional. The longer they stayed that way, the more I imagined him just lying there.
“We’ll talk more after you sleep—HELEN!”
“HELEN, STOP!” my father screamed, squeezing my jaw.
“GIVE HER SOMETHING!” My father hollered at the doctors.
I felt so bad hurting them. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but they weren’t hearing me.
No! I wanted to cry when I started to go numb.
DARCY
Up was now down.
Right was left.
Cousins were lovers.
Love was killing people.
That was the world I now lived in. I didn’t understand it. I liked it even less than I understood it. My emotions no longer felt like they had left my body. The pain had gotten in so deep that, to stop myself from hurting, I had to shut down. I couldn’t let myself think too much or feel too much. I just had to move, do what was logical. I needed to be with her - my big sister, the computer brain - Everyone was just an equation to her…or at least the old her. I wasn’t sure who the crazed woman biting her tongue off before me was, but I was describing her that way because that face…belonged to my sister.
Each time she woke up, she asked for Wyatt.
My parents would try to calm her down, and she’d bite her tongue. The doctors suggested we put a tongue bar in her mouth, and my father nearly snapped his neck. They weren’t acting logically either. So I did the only thing I could do; I brought one of the medical gurneys into her room. It was thinner and smaller than the bed she was in now.
“What are you doing?” my father asked, turning to face me.
“I’m taking her to Wyatt’s room.”
“Darcy, take that thing back to wherever you got it from—” He tried to push it away, but Helen reached out and grabbed onto it. He looked down at her, and she glared back, breathing heavily.
“She will keep biting her tongue until you take her, so take—”