Danny sipped his coffee.“I need to get her attention. I need to show her I’m serious, Dr. Kellen.”
Kell focused his mind on Danny and leaned in.“I’m pretty sure she’s taking you seriously. I think it’s time for you to take her seriously. She needs you to listen to her, Danny. Stop trying to tell her what she needs. Candace is a smart girl. Let her tell you what she wants. You have some months before the baby is born. You’ll work it out. Be there for her. She needs your support, not your lunatic love right now.”
“She wants to give my baby away, Dr. Kellen.”
“Have you asked her why?”
“No. I can’t believe she’d want to give our baby away.”
“Listen to her. She’s got a reason and even if you don’t like her reason, you need to respect it.”
~
Up at the house, Pastor Matt put Jake to bed and then made himself a cup of tea. He prayed about the interesting turn of events in the village. After all these years as a pastor, not much could surprise him anymore, but tonight he’d been surprised. He left everything as best he could in the Lord’s hands.
He noticed Sidney’s kitchen light was on. Her shadow was moving around the room. He wanted to check on her, make sure she was all right. He didn’t like the idea of the high school principal coming back into the picture and taking Sidney away. Her door opened and she stepped out onto her porch. She wore a thick sweater and waved toward his house. Was she waving at him? He walked to the kitchen door and waved back.
He opened the door.“Would you like to come over for a cup of hot chocolate?” he asked across the yard. The night air pierced him. The black sky hung over him with the stars shining out like old friends.
“Is everyone asleep?” she called out.
“Yep. It’s just me.”
She nodded at him, pulled her sweater tighter, and quietly shut her door. Her feet tapped quietly against the brick pathway. She smiled up at him when she got to his porch steps. Her smile was grim and he could see her eyes were filled with worry.
He ushered her inside, into the kitchen. She sat down at the small round table. He poured milk into a pot to heat it up on the stove. Sidney put her arm on the table and rested her chin on her hand. She stayed quiet for a moment, then sighed.
“Hard night?” he asked, filling a mug with warm milk.
She closed her eyes and nodded.“Impossibly difficult. I don’t know what to do, Matt. I’m so torn.”
“I suppose you are talking about your husband wanting you to move back to Seattle?”
“Yes. Jeff. God. Everything. It’s a mess. For months I waited, hoping he’d come back. I prayed and prayed. And he stayed with the other woman. Now, after I finally make a decision to move on, start afresh, he regrets cheating on me. Life is not fair.”
He handed her a mug of steaming hot chocolate.“It sure isn’t.”
Sidney took the mug, blew on it a bit and took a sip.“Your hot chocolate is amazing,” she said.
“Thanks. It was Kell’s favorite as a boy.”
She raised her eyebrow and took another sip.“Figures. Maybe you could give me the recipe.” She rubbed her hands up and down the mug, as if she were trying to warm them.“It wasn’t life, Matt. My husband screwed up.”
“He hurt you.”
“I just wish I knew why God allowed all this. Why did he let Jeff cheat on me, and now what am I supposed to do? I feel trapped and torn. What does God want me to do?”
Matt hated these sorts of questions. The questions that don’t have easy answers. Matt patted her on the hand, gently.“I don’t have all those answers, Sidney, but I do know that in God’s kindness, in his providence, it wasn’t an accident that you are here. He led you here, to love you, and to offer the healing support of community. He’s been here with you all along.”
“He’s felt so far away. And yet in a strange way, he’s been so close. I’ve been angry with God, Matt. So angry. And I’m so afraid to do the wrong thing. Jeff’s my husband. I know we’re divorced, but in my mind—I made vows. I gave a promise. If he wants me back, don’t I have an obligation to go back to him?”
He smiled, reached out and put his hand on her head. He ached for her.“Before you start making decisions about what to do with Jeff, why don’t you make some decisions about what you want to do with the Lord.”
Sidney sipped on her cocoa. Her eyes filled with tears. Matt continued.“Sooner or later, in everyone’s life, our moral fiber is tested and we must choose whether to walk with God, with no promise of life going our way.”
“All my life, Matt, I’ve followed God. I obeyed and read the Bible, prayed. Faithfully. Where did it lead me?” She shifted in her chair, her eyes brimming over with tears.“Right into infidelity and divorce.”
Matt felt the weight of her words. She was in a deep crisis of faith. He prayed the Lord would help him say the right thing. What could he say that would set her free, not make her feel more chained?
“Sidney, your story isn’t over. Your moment of Calvary came, yes. Jesus also, did everything he was asked to do, and it took him to the cross. Into horrific pain. But the cross isn’t the end of the story. You are invited, we are all invited to leave the cemetery. The stone was rolled away.” He reached out and touched her arm.
“The gift of the Christian faith is that our pain, our sin, even people’s sin against us, is not the end of our story. When we place those things in God’s hands, he keeps writing our story, and weaves all those things into good. He makes all things new.”
Sidney exhaled slowly. He knew she was listening to his words, soaking them in, weighing the cost of following this Lord, so mysterious. She squeezed his hand.“You’ve been a good pastor tonight. Thank you.” She turned her head out the dark window. The water glistened under the moonlit night. She spoke.“I love this island. I love my new home and I see that even in my fear, even in my brokenness, God was leading me here. I might have stopped trusting him, but he didn’t stop taking care of me.”
She stood up and set the mug on the table. She reached over and cupped his cheek in her hand.“I need to go on a walk. Thank you.”
Matt patted her on the hand.“I’m starting a series on courage this Sunday. It has a lot to do with what we’re talking about. It takes courage to do what we need to do, and sometimes we have to let go of the small dreams in order to take hold of the richer, fuller ones. Sometimes we have to let go in order to receive.”
Sidney leaned down and hugged him tightly.“Sounds like a wonderful sermon. I could use some extra courage. It’s hard to do what we know is right, especially when it’s new. It’s hard to leave the familiar.”
Sidney’s words sank into Matt, piercing him to the core. That was it. It was time to say good-bye to the familiar, to what he’d known for so many years. That’s why he was so reluctant to retire. There it lay, blazing before him in cold, stark truth. How could he have been in such denial?
Just as he told Sidney, it was also true for him. His story wasn’t over, and his church’s story wasn’t over. His message for Sidney spoke like a beacon of light into his own life.
~
Sidney stepped off the porch, and walked to the Adirondack chairs by the water. The cold air filled her lungs and smelled fresh and clean. She sat down, drawing her sweater around her. She shivered and looked up at the sky, staring into the distant darkness. The stars shining out before her. She’d been so angry with God, so outraged that he’d let her down. So disappointed in him. She was starting to realize how much kindness he’d actually shown her. He had led her to Perez Island right in the middle of all her anger and frustration. And Jeff’s affair hadn’t been the end of her story.
She paused, and there, sitting quietly in her chair, she finally broke her long silence and spoke to the One she’d known since childhood, the One who’d gone before her and had heard her silent cries.
“I’m here, God.” She sighed.“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. I’m sorry I’ve been so angry with you. It was
n’t your fault. I see that now. Please come. Help me. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed your presence, your familiar ways, and I long for you to be near me again. I need to hear your voice.”
She sat outside for a long time, letting her tears fall, letting her heart feel the nearness of God after her long season of isolation. His comfort wrapped her up and settled over her like a familiar cloak. She soaked in His forgiveness, His mercy, His kindness. And after what seemed hours, she stood, with a clarity she’d long needed, and had long been afraid to receive. She knew what to do. And now, she asked for the courage to do it.
~
Early in the morning, Betty came through the kitchen door. Sidney’s head felt like a lead weight was sitting on it, and like a dried cotton ball was shoved into it. She needed to muster up the courage to talk to Jeff. She dragged herself out of bed, forced herself into the kitchen.
Betty stood at the kitchen island buttering the cinnamon rolls and getting ready to throw them into the oven. Sidney pulled out a mug and poured herself a cup of coffee. Betty hardly glanced up. Sidney’s stomach churned and her throat tightened. Betty’s lips were pinched together. She finally eyed Sidney. Sidney wondered if this was the end to the beginning of a really good friendship, one for which she’d secretly longed for many years. She inwardly cringed. Betty didn’t smile or nod her head, she just made one simple remark.
“I guess my Danny comes by his problems naturally,” she said.
Sidney laughed and hit her good hand on the counter.“Oh Betty.”
They both started laughing, so hard Sidney almost spilled her coffee and Betty’s body shook up and down in time with her hysterics. Betty finally gathered herself together enough to speak.“So, what are you going to do about Iron Man?”
“I’m going to talk to him this morning after breakfast. I know what I’m supposed to do. I had a long talk with God last night.”
Betty reached out and squeezed Sidney’s arm.“It’s never easy to make these big decisions. I realized that last night. Do you think Candace and Danny really love each other?”
“Did you and Dan really love each other when you got pregnant?”
“In a very young, exciting way, yes. But I don’t want that life for my son. I want him to live. I want him to have more opportunities.”
“Sometimes, we don’t get what we want Betty. But somehow, in the middle of it all—it works out. Look at you and Dan. You didn’t want him to have an affair. It broke your heart. But now, it’s different between you. Maybe even better.”
“I wanted something better for Danny. He’s my baby.”
“Look at Candace. You think she’s darling. There isn’t much that is better than that girl.”
Betty paused. She didn’t say anything.
Sidney squinted her eyes.“What are you thinking?”
“That my long standing enmity with Astrid Peterson is going to have to become a long standing relationship of mutual love and respect.” She puffed up her chest and shook her head.“I just wish I didn’t hate her so much.”
Sidney laughed.“What are you going to do about Candace?”
“Oh my gosh. That poor girl. Danny mortified her last night. That boy is so stupid. I’m mad at Candace for her deception, but I understand it too.”
Sidney took a sip of her coffee and pulled out the plates to start setting the table.“You mean, you aren’t going to find that old broom?”
“I was. Last night I wanted to kill her. But it only takes a few minutes of personal reflection to remember what it felt like to be alone and pregnant. It was noble of her, albeit absolutely stupid to try and keep it a secret. Danny needs to take responsibility for his part in the whole situation.”
“Are you going to suggest they get married?”
“What other option do they have?”
Sidney rolled her eyes and gave her an isn’t-it-obvious stare.“Candace wants to give the baby up for adoption, remember?”
“You don’t think she’d really do that, do you? Not with all of us actually knowing the baby is hers and Danny’s?”
“I don’t know. It wouldn’t be right to force her into motherhood either if she’s not ready.”
“Sex is an adult act. You want to have sex, you need to be prepared to be an adult with the consequences.”
“Yes and adoption is a valid adult decision. One Candace should be supported in.”
“What about Danny? What about what he wants? Besides, I didn’t get to go to school or pursue any of my dreams. I had to lie in the bed that I made. That’s what my mother told me.”
A wave of compassion filled Sidney.“And if you could do it all over again, would you do it differently?”
Betty didn’t say anything. She threw a glob of butter onto the rolled out dough and then the cinnamon and sugar. She pinched her lips together.“If we don’t make them deal with the consequences of their actions, aren’t we just saying it doesn’t matter? That they can do what they want, and we will pick up the pieces?”
“Just because you don’t force them to get married and raise their baby together, doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with the consequences. If Candace doesn’t think she’s ready to be a mother, she shouldn’t be pressured into it. By anyone.”
“And Danny?”
“I don’t know. Does he want to raise the baby? All I’m saying is you shouldn’t force Candace to make your decisions.”
“Hmph.” Betty shook her head.
“I’m going to set the table and then take a shower. If Candace comes down, you better be nice. She’s going to need a kind touch from you.”
“I’m not going to kill her, Sidney. I’m a Christian woman for God’s sake.”
Sidney laughed.
When she got out of her shower, she felt her wrist, which incidentally had started throbbing in the shower. It made her think of Kell. And his kiss.
~
Later that morning, before Sidney lost her nerve, she knocked on Jeff’s door and asked if they could go on a walk.
Her heart beat fast and her palms were damp. She needed to get it out. She needed to give him her answer.“I prayed last night, Jeff. It’s been months since I prayed. And finally, after months of silence, months of anger, months of me wishing I could understand everything, I found clarity.”
“Good. So you’ll come back with me and we can go back to our lives in Seattle? I know you loved this whole bed and breakfast thing, but you’ll see it will be much better. I’m different. I promise.”
Sidney set her hand on his arm.“Jeff, here’s my answer. I’m not going to go back to Seattle. I’m sorry. I know God hates divorce, I know God loves to see people reconciled. I’m open to a reconciliation, but you’ll have to move here. If you’re serious about us, then you’ll have to be the one to make the changes.”
His eyes opened and he crossed his arms.“What? Me? Move to Perez Island? That’s crazy.”
“If you want a second chance at marriage with me, I’d like you to move here. I don’t want to leave this island or this bed and breakfast. This is where I belong.”
Jeff stared at Sidney as if she’d just asked him to fly to the moon. He scratched his head.“I don’t want to move here, Sidney. I want our life back.”
“I didn’t want you to have an affair.”
“That’s low, Sidney.”
“No. It’s honest. Listen, Jeff, if you love me and really want to win me back then you’ll have to show me. You broke my heart and left me devastated. I’m not going back to Seattle just so you don’t have to deal with the consequences of your choices.”
“Now, you’re being judgmental.”
Sidney raised her hands in the air and shrugged.“Call it whatever you want to, this is my answer.”
“I can’t believe you. You’ve never been so mean before. This island has changed you.”
She smiled.“This island has changed me. I lost my life and found it and if you want me, not just your old life, or the comforts of marriage, then you’ll come here. I
’m not going to change for you, Jeff. Not anymore.” She reached up and kissed him on the cheek.“I take it, this is good-bye.”
Jeff pushed his glasses onto his face.“I can’t move to Perez Island, Sidney. I just can’t.”
“I think I knew that. I wish you all the best and will pray for you, Jeff. I promise.”
“Are you sure about this, Sidney?”
“Yes. I’m sure.”
“I think it’s time for me to go back where I belong.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
~
Pastor Matt paced back and forth in his bedroom, wearing only a white t-shirt and a pair of light blue boxer shorts. He had so deeply enjoyed his conversation with Sidney the night before. He’d realized he was holding on too tightly to his calling as a pastor and it was time to let go, let God lead him into new places. It was time to say good-bye to his small church.
“Lord, please help me let go. Help me be courageous and do the hard thing. I’ve been so afraid to trust you with my church, but it’s your church, not mine.” He held his hands out, palms up.“I give them to you, dear Lord. All to you.” He breathed out and paused in silence, and after a few moments felt a weight come off him.
In the following minutes, he had one of the most memorable experiences with God he’d ever known. A heaviness came into the room and an overwhelming sense of peace flooded him. He sat on his bed, enveloped by a gentle presence that hovered around him.
He understood something new. When one was willing to take the harder path, the one that wasn’t so black and white, the one not quite so easy, God was present. And his presence would be enough.
He grinned. What a foolish man he’d been so much of the time. Why had it taken sixty-eight years to learn the obvious?
“Oh God, I’m so sorry I’ve been using my pastoral calling as a shield,” he said quietly, kneeling at his bed.“I’m so sorry I’ve been so afraid to let go and move on.” Tears trickled down his face.“I’ve been afraid that no one would need me anymore, that I’d be forgotten. Help me to not be afraid.”
An Ordinary Love (A Christian Contemporary Romance) (Sidney's Sanctuary Book 1) Page 25