“It’s nice to meet you, Olivia.”
“Please, call me Liv, or Livie. Olivia was reserved for my mother when she was upset with me. And when she was really upset she added my middle name in just for kicks and giggles.”
“Alright, Liv. I wouldn’t want you to think you’re in trouble with me.” I give her a weak smile.
“So, what are you guys up to?” Olivia bounces into the booth sitting next to my sister.
“Would you like me to get you a booster?” I say with a smirk.
“No, it’s okay if I need to, I’ll just get on my knees. It’s one of my favorite places to be.”
“Livie!” my sister says, shocked. I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting that to come from her mouth, I may be just as shocked as Des.
“Well, do you think I haven’t heard everything under the sun when it comes to my height? I probably have a comeback for just about anything that’s thrown at me.”
I like this girl, she’s a spunky little thing. “You know what they say, good things come in small sizes.”
“You betcha.”
“Okay then, Liv,” Des says, “How was work?”
“Hey now, I’m not sitting here listening to the two of you talk shop. I thought the worst thing would be having to listen to you gush about every one of the hot guys in here. That I was prepared for, but I’m not going to listen to the two of you talk about work.”
“Do you not have work to talk about, David? I thought Des told me you were an attorney.”
“I’m sure she’s told you much more than what I do for a living. But yes, I’m an attorney. I’m taking some time off.”
“I see.” That’s all she says. She doesn’t say she’s sorry for my loss, she doesn’t look at me with pity, she treats me normally. She acts like she has no idea my life has just been turned upside down; and to tell you the truth, I kinda like it.
“Excuse me.” I feel a tap on my shoulder. Standing next to me is a busty, bottled red head. There is no need to give her a once over. The fact that she’s currently pushing her plastic tits into my shoulder does nothing for me.
“What can I do for you?” I take a sip of my scotch, not giving her another glance.
“Well, I was thinking that maybe you can just do me.”
I choke at her response. “Excuse me?” I know I’ve been out of the dating game for a while, but do women really come on to guys that strong nowadays? Christ.
“Well, I saw you over here. I can tell she’s your twin, you guys look exactly alike and the little one just got here and you didn’t show her any affection so I just figured, you know, you may want to get out of here and have some fun.”
“First of all, she isn’t my twin, just my sister, secondly just because I didn’t show Liv any affection doesn’t mean shit and thirdly, did you not notice my wedding band?”
“A ring is just a ring, I’m not asking for one from you, I just thought we could have a little fun.”
“Actually, honey,” Liv speaks up. “He’s with me, I just found out that he has chlamydia so I’m trying to keep my distance.”
I guess the busty redhead didn’t think that was funny because she just turned and left without giving me a second glance.
“Oh my gawd, Liv that was so classic.” Destiny is laughing harder than I’ve ever seen her laugh. Tears roll down her face.
“Did you have to go and give me an STD? Couldn’t you come up with something else?”
“Well, David, seeing as though she’s currently spreading that little tidbit through that table of gawking girls, I’m sure you won’t be bothered for the rest of the night. You can thank me later.”
“I’m not sure I even have the words to thank you for telling a complete stranger that I am riddled with a sexually transmitted disease.”
“Look, I can tell you’ve been out of the club scene for a while. This is how a lot of women are nowadays. Yes, these women are typically extremely desperate, looking for a man to buy them all the designer things they can get their grubby little hands on—”
“Olivia!” Destiny tries to cut her off, but she is clearly on a roll.
“What? All I’m saying is that if an STD is going to prevent your brother from having to deal with the banshees around here, then it’s a small price to pay for his sanity.”
“Come on, Livie, leave my poor brother alone. Let’s go dance.”
Olivia looks at me, “Come on, David, let’s see you shake your groove thing.”
“Ah, no. I don’t dance. There’s no way I’ll be caught dead on that dance floor. There will be no shaking of my groove thing now, or ever.”
“Your loss.” she says as she shimmies out of the booth and leads my sister onto the dance floor.
I guess Des wasn’t lying when she told me she wanted a night to cut loose. Her and Olivia dance song after song. Watching them is comical. Seeing Destiny, who is close to six foot bouncing next to the tiny frame of Olivia is hysterical. Where Destiny’s moves are smooth, Olivia is jerky, and probably moves five times faster than Des. Both girls now have their once perfectly styled hair thrown into messy bun type things on top of their heads.
Des seems so carefree, without a worry in the world. She’s laughing and dipping down to talk to Olivia, neither of them noticing the eyes watching them. Guys are standing around the dance floor sipping their drinks and taking in the show. I guess men really are pigs, these guys are licking their chops like they just found their next meal.
With Kate being gone, I know that I’m going to have to make more of an effort to have Destiny involved in my life. Clare will need a female influence and Des is one of the best females I know. I would love for my daughter to grow up to be as beautiful as her, and I’m not just saying that because she and I look so much alike. I genuinely love Des.
*
“I can’t believe you had me meet your future wife at a dance club, David.” Des all but falls into the booth next to me. Her hair is stuck to her neck, evidence of her really working it out on the dance floor. I look out from where she just came from and spot Kate with a friend of hers, swaying their bodies to the beat of the music.
“She’s not my future wife, Destiny, give me a break, we just met. I thought dancing would be fun, and lessen the tension. I know how much you enjoy it. Thought maybe it would relax you a bit. You can be a little intimidating.”
“When it comes to who my brother has in his life, damn straight. I only want the best for you. But really, it’s not me she needs to impress, isn’t it you who makes the final decision?”
“So you’re saying that she isn’t impressive. I thought you liked her.”
“Oh my goodness, yes I like her. Look at her.” She points to the dance floor.
“She’s nice to look at. But there’s more to her than that. She’s so smart, so charming, so caring. She has the second biggest heart of anyone I know.”
“The second?”
“Yes, you my sister, will always have the biggest heart. Hands down, no one compares to you.”
“Aw, I love you too, big brother.”
*
Once the girls come off the dance floor, we spend the rest of the evening throwing back drinks while Destiny reveals all my most embarrassing moments of my childhood. I, of course do not hold back on hers either. Turnabout is fair play and I could give just as well as I could get. Destiny had just as many awful experiences as I did. I learn that Olivia is Destiny’s partner at the hospital. They work together when it comes to the kids and any problems they have to work through. They use a team approach, it seems to help the kids to communicate with not just the adults, but with kids their own age. They encourage me to get Clare into their group; stating that she would be able to process the loss of her mother with kids her own age. Although I didn’t get into everything they do with the kids, I did agree to have Destiny take Clare in a group later this week to see how she handles everything.
“Listen ladies, I need to get back to the house. I don’t like using Mom l
ike this.”
“You know it’s not a problem for her, David. She loves the kids.”
“I know, but they’re my kids and Brody won’t wait for anyone. When that kid wants his bottle, he wants it right then. Not in twenty minutes, not when I feel like getting up to get him, right then. I don’t want to be dragging tomorrow, so I’m taking off. Thank you for the evening, it was fun. I needed this, Des.” I lean over and place a kiss on her temple. “It was nice meeting you, Liv.” I nod her way.
“It was nice meeting you as well, David, have a good night.”
I’m just about to make it out the door when the busty redhead from earlier steps in front of me. “Hi.”
“Hello.” I look over her shoulder at the front door. I was so close.
“I know your friend was just trying to get me to leave you alone. So I was thinking since you’re leaving, maybe we can head to my place. Or we can go to your house.”
“Well I’m not sure how that’d work. I’m staying with my parents at the moment while they help me take care of my daughter and newborn son since my wife died three months ago.”
The look of shock on her face was priceless, “Man, you don’t need to come up with such a ridiculous lie. All you had to do is say no thank you. No need to be a dick about it.”
This chick doesn’t deserve any more of my time I push her aside and leave the bar without another look. I would rather listen to Brody scream all night then have to deal with another clueless female. Fuck, I miss Kate.
*
“Hi, is it alright if I join you?” I look up and freeze. The most beautiful woman is standing before me. Her brown hair shines in the rays of the sun making it look more russet than brown. She takes a lock of hair that has blown across her face and tucks it behind her ear. “I’m sorry, I’m disturbing you.” She shakes her head. “I just thought since you were sitting alone, you would like some company.” I blink at her beauty. “Sorry again.” She goes to leave, and before I realize what I’m doing, my hand shoots out and catches her wrist.
“Please, have a seat. I’m sorry for being rude. I would be honored to have you sit with me.”
“Oh good. For a second there I thought maybe you didn’t speak English.” she laughs.
“Ah, I am very fluent in English, thank you.”
“Good to hear. So I saw you this morning in class, History of Law. How are you liking it? I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.” She looks down at her hands. I see a slight blush cover her cheeks.
“Um, it’s David.”
“I’m Kate, it’s nice to meet you, David.” She puts out her hand. I take it immediately.
I’m transfixed in the depths of her green eyes, “It’s very nice to meet you too, Kate.”
5
David
FOUR MONTHS
If you would have told me two months ago that I would be sitting in this office again, I would have laughed. I probably would have put money on me never stepping foot back in here, but things change. I guess when you look into the eyes of your daughter, the mini me of your dead wife and see that she isn’t smiling any longer, it kinda wakes you up. Her giggles are few and far between. She no longer wants to be outside, and the mention of going on play dates all but makes her break down and cry. I knew that something had to be done. I was her only living parent, after all.
“Well, I have to say that I’m surprised to see you in my office again, Mr. McAllister.”
“David.”
“Yes, David.” Dr. Bernstein looks down at her tablet. I guess I didn’t make that much of an impression on her if she has to go over her notes. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. “It’s been two months since you were last here.” She flicks her eyes to me and then looks back down at her notes. “I thought maybe therapy wasn’t something you were interested in.”
“I wasn’t,” I confirm.
“What made you change your mind?”
“My daughter.”
“And why has your daughter made you have a change of heart about getting help?”
“She isn’t the same little girl anymore.”
“She did lose her mother, did she not? You lost your wife as well, and because of that you’re not the same man you were several months back. Do you think your daughter wouldn’t have the same type of changes?”
“No, I knew she would. What child wouldn’t be affected by losing one of their parents? Especially a little girl losing her mother. Right after the accident she was sad. She didn’t understand that her mommy was gone and she wasn’t coming back. My parents and I kept telling her that Kate was gone, she went up to heaven with the angels. It didn’t matter, she continued to say that when her mommy comes back, she would be so happy to see her. That her mommy wouldn’t leave us, she wouldn’t leave her baby. Now, she’s worse off. Maybe she’s understanding the complexity of the situation. It could be that she’s understanding that Kate isn’t coming back now. She was withdrawn at first, but nowhere near as withdrawn as she is now. It seems that she isn’t getting any better.”
“Has your sister been working with her? I know she’s good working with children.”
“Yes, she has. Her and her partner, Olivia have been working with her over the last two months. She’s doing one-on-one therapy, and a small amount of group therapy. She has play dates with other kids who have lost a parent, or someone close to them. But nothing is working. She doesn’t want to leave my side or go anywhere without me. Getting her to go to school is a fight every morning. I’m not sure where I would be without my parents. But I can’t keep relying on them. I’m a grown man for Christ sakes.”
“What do you think the problem is?”
“Me.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She told my sister that I’m the problem. She says that although she’s sad that her mommy left us and went up to live with the angels, she’s even sadder that I don’t smile anymore. She said she loved my smile and she doesn’t see it anymore.”
“Hmm, so at the age of what, seven?”
“Yes.”
“Your daughter is concerned more about you and your happiness than her grief over losing her mother.”
“Yes.”
“And how is Kyle progressing?”
“You mean Brody? Kyle is his middle name.” The fact that she doesn’t know my children’s names hits a nerve.
“Yes, I’m sorry, Brody.”
“I have to tell you, doc. The fact that you can’t remember critical aspects of your patient’s lives makes me wonder how efficiently you’re able to do your job. Especially with your lack of effort.”
“It’s hard, Mr. McAllister, excuse me, David, to put forth the required effort with a patient when they, themselves do not showcase any effort. You see, as a therapist we can only give our patients the tools that are required for them to live a better, more fulfilling life. We can’t do all the work. We can only guide, it’s you who has to walk, who has to work at it.”
I nod in understanding. I know my defenses are up. I know I don’t like to be told what to do and how to do it. I definitely don’t like to be told when I’m doing something wrong, especially when it comes to my children. I know that I’m a kick ass attorney. My courtroom track record speaks for itself. I used to think I was a wonderful father. Clare’s hugs and kisses could attune to that fact. But lately, I feel like I’m failing my little girl and that hits me hard as I’m the only one she has now.
“Well, I think it’s time to walk the walk and do the work. I think it’s time that I get my life back on track, for Clare, Brody and myself.”
“Good, that’s really good to hear.” She taps on her tablet. “I have to say, the first thing I noticed when you came in here is that you’re shaving. Is that one of your first steps back to the land of the living again?”
“Yes, one of the steps I’m taking. I’m showering daily too, if you must know.”
She gives a smile at my last comment. “So what do you plan on accomplis
hing here?”
“I need to move on, for me, for my children, for my family.”
“And do you think that by coming here it will allow you to move on with your life?”
“I’m not sure, but I know that I need to accept what life has given me and make the most out of it.”
“Well, you’re on the right track. Has your sister or anyone else in your family talked with you about the stages of grief?”
“I’m aware of the stages.”
“The last time you were in my office, there was so much anger you were holding onto. Do you feel that you’ve been able to let go of any of that anger? That you’ve overcome that step in the process of letting go?”
“To be honest with you, I don’t believe the ‘stages’ are correct or in the correct order. I’ve done a lot of reading, a lot of research and I don’t agree with what the experts tell me. I think everyone is different when it comes to their grief. I experience all the stages on a daily basis. You can’t look at that list and think, hey I’m no longer in shock or denial, so check, that stage is done. I feel that I’ve come to terms with my wife’s passing. Then my son stays up half the night screaming and there isn’t anything I can do about it but think that it should be my wife alive soothing him. That it should have been me that died that day. I think that she’s going to walk into the room at any time and take him from me and comfort him in a way that I can’t. Isn’t that denial?”
“I’m not sure you can say it’s denial, David, maybe wishful thinking. Maybe loving your wife so much that you just want to see her.”
“Well, still, I think I experience all the stages at least once a day. I’m not sure if I’m moving along like I should, or if I’m at a standstill.”
“So, tell me why you’re really here. Be completely honest.”
“I think it’s time I take the kids and move back to my house. I think it’s time that I take that next step.”
6
David
“Daddy!” Clare screams my name as she bounces from her classroom. Her backpack is almost as big as she is. She seems to be happy and in a good mood. Watching her smile up at me, I decide this might be the best time for us to talk. “I thought Grammy was supposed to get me.”
Love After Pain Page 3