“They have the best daddy too. Don’t down play what a great father you are.”
“I’m only this great because I follow your example.”
*
I leave the cemetery not feeling any better than when I arrived. I don’t know what I thought I’d accomplish by going there. What did I think, that Kate’s ghost was going to appear and tell me what I need to do, how I need to go about living my life when she was no longer here. This isn’t a damn movie, life doesn’t work that way. Life isn’t easy, it’s hard, it sucks. Life is a big fat piece of shit, and right now, that piece of shit is kicking my ass.
9
David
“This is it, David, this is our house, our home.” Kate doesn’t even have to look inside the actual house to know that she loves it. She never makes quick decisions, and I don’t expect her to when it comes to our home, a place where we plan to raise our children. I have to admit, the house does have curb appeal. She pulls herself from the car and waddles her seven month pregnant self up the stone walkway to the front door where our realtor is standing. I hold back, I can’t help it, but seeing my wife waddle is probably one of the cutest things I’ve seen. If my guy friends ever heard me say that out loud, I know they would yank my man card. But who fucking cares, I love my wife and her waddle.
Since we’ve been married, we’ve lived in the city, close to both our firms. It seemed right. Both being new to the firms and fresh out of Stanford; it was only logical to live in the city since our days were so long. There was no reason for the commute if it was just the two of us. The closer we were to work the more time we got to spend at the office instead of sitting in traffic not accomplishing anything. But now, our daughter was due in a few short months and that meant it was time to put the city life behind us and move to the suburbs.
I’m from here. I grew up in San Rafael. Kate has decided that’s where she wants to raise our family. Close to my family, since hers all live in the Seattle area. “Hello, you three, are you ready to take a look inside?” Our realtor pushes open the front door and we step inside. Yep, she was right. This is going to be our home. This is it. We don’t have to look any further. We are home.
*
My heart clenches at the memory, the first of thousands that I made with Kate. There should have been a million more. I sit in the driveway of my house looking up at it. It’s still as gorgeous as it was the day we moved in about eight years ago. The gardener is an artist when it comes to making sure our yard has all the neighbors gawking at it. Speaking of neighbors, I hope they don’t notice my car, and feel inclined to come over and be polite about the death of my wife. I know the neighbors all loved her, but now is not the time to comfort me. I don’t want to hear ‘I’m sorry, how are you doing, how are the kids’ right now. I can barely look up at the house I was supposed to grow old in with my wife; let alone discuss her death on the front steps.
My body is literally shaking with the idea of walking up the stone slabs that make up the pathway to the front door. Kate had me replace the plain white concrete pavers with slate about a year after we moved in. She said she liked how it shimmered in the sunlight. From the outside, the house doesn’t look like it’s been abandoned for the past five months. The yard has been kept up, there isn’t a stray leaf anywhere on the lawn of the flower beds. The house is perfect, I’m just not sure if it will ever feel like my home again. Am I going to be able to laugh with the kids, play hide-n-seek with Clare or lay on the floor with Brody while he does his tummy time?
*
“Look, honey, she loves it. She loves playing on her belly.” Kate is on the floor with Clare while she struggles to lift her head up to look at her mommy. She’s is rattling her pink elephant in front of her while Clare’s head wobbles side to side. There is such a look of determination on our daughter’s face. A look that shortly transforms into one of frustration and just like that, Clare’s moment of happy tummy time turns into a moment of screeching of unhappiness.
“I guess she doesn’t love it as much as you thought she did,” I say laughing.
“Oh just shut it.” Kate picks up a now pissed off Clare from the floor, soothing her with her calming voice.
*
“Damn it.” My hands hit the steering wheel. “This is a lot fucking harder than I thought it would be.” I let out a breath of frustration. Why can’t I just get out of the fucking car and walk into my house?
“Hey.”
What the fuck? I turn towards the voice that just scared the shit out of me and see Olivia standing at my window, her finger tapping on the glass. What is she doing here? Reading my mind, she answers before I get the question out. “Destiny had an emergency with a patient.”
I roll down the window. “What?”
“I said Destiny had an emergency with a patient. One of the kids she works with solo tried to commit suicide so she couldn’t come to meet you. I told her I would come over, so you wouldn’t be alone.”
She stares at me, waiting for me to respond. She blinks her eyes and I notice the unusual colors. One is bright blue while the other is a muted green. “You have two different color eyes.”
“No shit, Sherlock. They’ve been that way for the past thirty-five years. Boy nothing gets past you, huh? So are you going to tackle this beast or are you going to sit in your car all day?”
“What?”
“The beast.” She flicks her finger towards my house. “I know your Mom is bringing the kids over after school and I figured you would want to get all the shit you’re about to face out of the way before the kids see it. I’ve taken the rest of the day off and plan to be here the whole time, or until Destiny is able to be here.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because Destiny is my friend and you are her brother. Plus, I happen to know a little about what you’re going through. Not all of it, but just a little. David, I know what it’s like to have your whole world ripped away from you in a blink of an eye.”
The next thing that registers is my door being opened and my seatbelt being unfastened. I feel Olivia’s hand on my shoulder giving me a tight squeeze. “Come on, Mr. Badass Attorney, let’s get you inside.” She reaches over and takes the keys from the ignition. I take a deep breath and get out of my car. “Now, I know this is going to be difficult. I know once you walk in there you’re going to be bombarded with memories. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, it’s going to be like a knife in the gut, but this is something that you have to do. You need to do this for your kids because they deserve to come home.”
“Boy, you’re a real ball buster for how little you are.”
“It’s because of my size that I’m like this. If I can’t be big in size, then I guess I have to be big in personality.”
With shaking hands, I find the key to my house. Just as I’m about to put it in the lock, Olivia’s hand covers mine. “Listen, David, smell is one of the biggest things that draws our memories back. This was Kate’s home, you shared this place with her for eight years. It’s going to smell like her.” I look at her and nod. “I just want you to be prepared.”
“Thank you.”
Nothing could prepare me for this. Once the door was open everything came rushing back. Clare running up to me giving me one of her famous bear hugs when I got home from the office. Kate right behind her to give me a welcome home kiss. She always made sure she was home to get Clare from school and so they could spend quality girl time together. Those days were over. Clare will never have her mommy time and I will never feel Kate’s lips upon mine again. “Fuck me.” I couldn’t hold back. My body shook with emotion, with sorrow, with grief. I’m never going to be okay again.
10
Olivia
His body shakes while his hands cover his face. The sobs coming from David made a lump form in my throat. This is why I work with children. Their grief always seems easier to handle for me. This hunk of a man breaking down in front of me, it tears me up. He’s broken, lost, completely shattered. The loss I experienced
years ago will never compare to what this man is going through. He lost his wife, he watched her fade away. He wasn’t able to experience the joy of his son being born because it only reminded him of his wife’s death. How can anyone live with that. The birth of his son will always remind him of such a staggering loss. “David.” I gently place my hand on his arm. He immediately pulls away.
“Don’t.”
“David, we just need to get you inside. You’re still at the door.”
He looks up in realization. Cursing under his breath, he walks forward allowing me to shut the door. The tears roll down his face while he takes in his surroundings. He reaches out for a sweater that hangs on a hook by the front door. It’s a vibrant purple, it must be Kate’s. He grips the fabric in his hands and yanks it from the hook pulling it to his face. He sobs are muffled by the fabric, but I can hear him inhale. He’s inhaling her scent. “Kate.” His voice breaks. “I fucking miss you. So fucking much, baby. I miss you so fucking much.”
He stays there crying into the sweater of his dead wife, breathing her in. I stand back, with my arms crossed taking in the scene before me. I know he needs this. He needs to work through this, to allow his mind to wrap itself around the truth of what his life has become. Another deep breath into the sweater, I wonder if her smell gives him any comfort, or if it just makes the hurt so much more. “Baby, baby, baby,” he whispers. Looking up, he drops his arms to his sides as he blows out the air from his lungs, trying to collect himself. He holds her sweater firmly in his grip, his knuckles white with pressure. He holds it like it’s his lifeline, his connection to Kate, his security. He steps away from me and walks further into the house, I follow him, letting him have this time.
11
David
“I want you to leave, Olivia.” I don’t need her here. I don’t need a stranger in my house while I deal with this. I wanted Destiny here, if she can’t be here for me, then fine. But I don’t need some woman I met once watch me deal with all this crap that has become my life.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, I want you to leave. Go. Get out of my fucking house.” I raise my voice, using my size to intimidate her. She doesn’t move, she doesn’t even flinch at my voice. My grip tightens on Kate’s sweater. Fuck me, knowing this one piece of fabric once covered my wife’s body is about the only thing that is holding me together right now.
“I don’t think that’s a great idea, David.” She’s actually standing here, in my living room, with her hands on her hips, giving me attitude. Does this chick not know she is only five foot nothing and if I wanted, I could squash her?
“I don’t give a fuck what you think. I don’t want you here.”
“Wanting and needing are two different things.” Her foot begins to tap in frustration.
“What the fuck ever. Then I need you to leave. I need you to get out of my house.”
“What you need to do is worry about being here and getting your shit together so your daughter doesn’t see you breakdown, and your son doesn’t sense the tension radiating off you.”
“I don’t need you here. I can do this on my own.”
“On your own, or with your wife’s sweater? If you grip that thing any tighter it’s going to have to be surgically removed from your hand.”
I look down at Kate’s sweater and loosen my grip. I exhale a breath and finally place the sweater on the arm of the couch.
“Better?” I ask.
“A little.” She squares her shoulders and tilts her chin up. “Let’s take this further into the house, shall we. What do you want to hit first? Your bedroom?”
“No.” I can’t even fathom going into my bedroom.
“Then let’s head into the kitchen.” She takes a step to the side and lets me lead the way. Fuck me.
*
“Clare, sweetie, no running in the kitchen.”
“I’m not running, Momma, I’m galloping.”
Clare is hopping around the island on her purple stick horse. On her head she has a tall princess cap with tulle flowing from the top down her back. Her chestnut hair is firmly pulled back in a ponytail that she so proudly did herself earlier that morning. This is what my Saturday’s consist of. My beautiful wife and my gorgeous daughter.
“Well, gallop outside then, and not in the kitchen. Mommy is trying to make us lunch.”
“Do we have any treats for my horse? He sure is hungry.”
“I don’t think so, sweet girl. I think we are all out of horse treats.” Kate looks at me and gives me a wink.
Once Clare is safely outside I walk up to my wife placing my hands over her stomach. Instinctively she leans into me. “Let’s have another baby.” I say into her ear.
Looking up at me she smiles. “Really? You want another child?”
“Yes, I want another child. I may want more than just one. I may want a few more.”
*
“David.” I hear Olivia’s voice and it pulls me back to the present. I look at her and give her a reassuring nod.
The kitchen is clean. My mom has picked up everything that was left out the morning that we left for the doctor. There aren’t any dirty dishes in the sink, thank fuck. That would have been nasty sitting for all these months. She told me she cleaned out the fridge and yesterday while I was at Kate’s grave she restocked it for me. She didn’t want me to deal with grocery shopping on top of everything else.
“This.” I clear my voice. “This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I should have done this sooner. I should have come here a few times before I brought the kids back.” I say to Olivia.
“There is nothing you can do about that now. Clare is expecting to come home tonight. She’s so excited about seeing her toys.”
“She was excited?”
“Well, not totally excited. She’s just as nervous as you are being here without Kate. She’s scared, but she needs this. You need this. It’s the uncertainty of things that is the most scary.”
“Well, we have the uncertainty aspect in spades.” I walk around the island, running my fingertips along the granite.
“You have a beautiful home, David.”
“Yeah.” I continue to walk around stopping at the French doors that lead out to the patio.
*
“Do you know how much I love you?” Kate is snuggled up next to me on our new two-person lounge on our newly built patio, if you can call it a patio. The money I shelled out for it, it should be called a lot more than just a patio.
It didn’t matter how much it cost. This is something Kate wanted. She called it our own little paradise in our backyard, and she was right. She had the idea and once she got it down on paper, our contractor went to work. I’ve always loved our backyard. I love how it backs up to a small forest so it’s always green, with huge pine trees. Now, it was incredible. We have everything we could ever need. A sparkling built in pool, a huge outside fireplace and a big kitchen area. Luxurious furniture is spread throughout the backyard, and for Clare, a million twinkling lights that are woven through the lattice of the gazebo that we are currently laying under.
“You just love me because I make masterpieces like this happen.”
She laughed. “That’s part of it.”
Three years have passed since Clare came along. In those three years, Clare has never stayed one night away from us, until tonight. Tonight marks our ten-year anniversary. It’s been ten years since Kate first walked up to me, asking if I minded if she joined me. Ten years of happy memories, of ups and downs. Ten years of putting school before each other, of fighting, ten years of thinking we weren’t going to make it. Ten years of making up and showing each other we are right where we belonged, here, in each other arms.
“You know that you have made me the happiest I’ve ever been. You are the reason for the smile on my face. You are the reason why I love the way I do. You have shown me a life I never thought I wanted. It’s because of you I’m a better man. I love you, Kate. I love you with every fiber of my b
eing. I will never stop loving you.”
Kate turns in my arms and looks up at me. I know my words have affected her because the tears in her eyes are proof. She knows how I feel about her, but I know that she still likes to hear it. You should never just assume someone knows how you feel. You should always voice it, tell them before they think they don’t matter anymore. “I love you too, David, I always knew it was going to be you I would spend my life with, would have a family with. I always knew you were the one that would make all my dreams come true. It’s because of you that I have fought for us, for what I always knew was meant to be.” She kisses me. A kiss full of such passion, such devotion that I know deep in my heart that she will always be the love of my life. There will never be another. My heart will forever be hers.
*
“What are you thinking about?” Olivia’s voice sounds so far away.
“About our ten year anniversary. Not our ten year wedding anniversary, we don’t get to celebrate that. But our anniversary of being together.” I look back to Olivia who’s just standing there “We made love under the gazebo that night. The first night without Clare and we acted like teenagers whose parents were away for the weekend. We drank, we laughed, we ate. We made love outside, in the pool, here in the kitchen. I think we made love in just about every room of the house that weekend, expect our bedroom. Kate said, ‘what fun is that?’ and I had to agree with her.” The memories warm my heart. They also hurt like hell. But they were all good. Although we had our fights, our arguments and there were times when we didn’t agree with each other, our relationship, our marriage was good. It was great, we had no regrets. When it comes to Kate, I will never have one regret.
“Are you ready to move on to your bedroom?”
“No.” I’m not sure if I will ever want to step foot in that room again.
“You need to face this, David.”
“You don’t even know me, Olivia. You don’t know what I need.”
Love After Pain Page 5