Love After Pain

by Torrie Robles

  “You shouldn’t have walked away. The Olivia I know doesn’t tuck tail and run. That’s not what I’ve seen. You stand your ground, you fight.”

  “Well, the Olivia you know isn’t used to feeling anything. It seems that it’s fucking with my game.”

  David laughs. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”

  I look up, surprised with his suggestion. “What about the kids?”

  “My mother has it handled.”

  He takes both my hands in his and pulls me away from my car. Our size difference is quite humorous. I can see our shadows on the sidewalk in front of us as we walk. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, David.”

  “I know that I don’t have to. I’m a grown man. The only thing I have to do is pay taxes, everything else is because I want to. And I want to explain what you walked in on.”

  David continues to hold my hand while we walk around the park. I notice that he steers us away from his mother and the kids. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t want to be disturbed or if it’s because he doesn’t want Clare to see him holding my hand.

  A hand that isn’t her mothers. “I was serious last night when I told you that I’ve never asked another woman to dance. But that wasn’t the only thing that I experienced that was a first for me. There is something definitely there between us, Liv. I feel it whenever we’re in the same room. I feel this pull towards you and I can say honestly that I’ve never felt that with another person, let alone another woman. Not even Kate. Do you see how that freaks me out a little?”

  His words shock me. I knew what I was feeling but I had no idea that he was on the same page as I was. “I do see.” I don’t want to spend too much time talking. I want to listen to what he has to say. Maybe it’s the therapist in me, but if he’s willing to talk then I’m willing to listen. “Go on.”

  “When I first met you I thought you were gorgeous. Even dealing with the grief of Kate I’m still a man and I still have eyes. I saw you, your beauty, and it’s not just about your physical appearance. I saw your spunk and how sassy you were that first night, and I have to admit, it was sexy as hell. Then at my house dealing with my ass, you never once let me feel sorry for myself. You called me out on my shit. You always call me out on my shit and it’s a breath of fresh air. I get stuck inside my head, Livie, and you have helped me climb out more than you know. You stepped in and helped with my kids. You helped Clare avoid a fashion disaster that any typical man wouldn’t have caught. And I’m as typical as they come. You work with Clare, you listen to her in her sessions. You let her know that you’re there for her whenever she may need you. She’s coming around because of the work that you and Destiny have done with her. I know I can’t just thank my sister for the strides that my daughter is making, I have you to thank for that as well. You heard me right when I told my mother you weren’t Kate.”

  I tense at the comparison, at the fact that I will never be like his late wife. I know for a fact that if he didn’t lose her then there would have never been a bleep of David and Olivia on the radar. I wouldn’t have ever been an option to him. We may have met eventually, but the thought of us would never have crossed his mind because his heart would have been full of Kate. And why wouldn’t it have been? I’ve heard enough about her from Destiny that even I liked her and I never met the woman.

  I feel David’s thumb start to make small circles along my hand. He can tell that what he is saying doesn’t sit well with me and he’s making an effort to comfort me. “Livie, what you didn’t hear because I never got a chance to say, is that you aren’t Kate and I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you, Olivia. I see you, I see what’s underneath this five foot frame and I want to know more. I want us to know more together.” I stop while David keeps going. Our hands come undone and he turns to face me.

  “What?”

  “I loved my wife, I still love her, but I can’t deny the chemistry that I feel when I’m near you. I can’t deny the fact that I think about you when you aren’t around. That freaks me the fuck out because I barely know you. I’ve barely spent any time around you, but the small amount of time I have spent, I feel it.” He walks up to me and takes my hand. “Last night when I kissed you, I felt more alive than I’ve felt in a long time. It scared me. Guilt is a bitch, and I have it in spades, I feel like I’m letting Kate down. That I’m undermining what we shared. I don’t like that feeling.”

  “I get that, David. It’s been fifteen years since I lost Brandon. Fifteen years that I haven’t let another man inside my heart because I didn’t want Brandon to ever think that my feelings for him weren’t true. I’ve lived my life with the memory of my dead fiancé. I’ve allowed Brandon to dictate how I live and because of that, I’ve spent most of my life not feeling. I don’t want to do that anymore. But I totally understand the battle you’re going through. It’s only been months since you lost Kate. I would be a complete hypocrite if I didn’t understand.”

  “Well did Brandon leave you a letter explaining how he wants things to be if he weren’t here for you?”

  I don’t answer because I’m not sure that I should.

  “Kate left me a letter and I just so happened to find it last night. When I got home, I spent some time in Brody’s room and it was in his baby book. I guess she wrote one before she had Clare, but she destroyed it.”

  “What did it say?”

  “How much she loved me, our life, and our kids. How sorry she is that she isn’t here to live with me, that she can’t be here in the times that I may need her. That she’ll always be with me, in spirit. She wants me to continue to live, and to find love. She wants my happiness.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “I’m not sure. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. All I know is that my wife wants me to be happy. That my daughter wants me to smile. And I feel those two things that are wanted by the two most important females in my life are possible because of you.”

  25

  David

  SEVEN MONTHS

  You would think after five months of coming to this office that I wouldn’t feel the looks of judgment from the staff or other patients as I wait in the lobby. I’m sure they wonder what I’m being seen for. If I have some sort of personality disorder or addiction. Last week I had a woman pull her daughter towards her as I stepped out of the office. Like I was some whack job that was going to hurt her girl. People can be so judgey. So quick to point fingers, sometimes, we as humans suck. “David, she can see you now.” I hear the receptionist say from her windowed office. Did I tell you the windows are bulletproof. Yeah, the staff needs to be behind plate glass windows for their own protection.

  I open the door from the waiting room to the hall where Dr. Bernstein’s office is located. Of course the receptionist has to buzz me in because they need that type of security dealing with the patients they see here. I guess I should feel good since they no longer escort me back like I can’t be trusted to walk down a freakin’ hallway without making trouble. I knock on her office door, just because I’m polite like that. “Come in, David.” I enter and see her sitting in her chair, with her tablet resting on her lap. “You don’t have to knock, David, I’m expecting you.”

  “Yeah, well I’m surprised you don’t have a buzzer installed on your personal office so you have the liberty to buzz those who you want in and keep those out who you want out.”

  “Well, someone is in a mood today. I haven’t seen you this foul and sour since your first visit. What’s got your panties in a twist?”

  The relationship with the good Dr. Bernstein and I has evolved over the months. She seems more relaxed around me, but still professional. She doesn’t allow me to spew my bullshit and I often wonder if she’s getting advice from Olivia on how to handle me. Because that woman knows how to deal with this David McAllister.

  “Nothing really. Just life I guess. Don’t you ever get tired of dealing with people’s problems? Don’t you get tired of having patients drone on and on
about crap they just can’t get or work through?”

  “Are you excluded from these people? Because please, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you one of those people who drone on and on to me?”

  “Exactly. Don’t you ever want to tell me, ‘Jesus David, just get your shit together and move on.’”

  “I do. I do want to tell you that all the time. But if I did that then I would be out of a job and there would be several people who would feel like they don’t know what to do with themselves.”

  “I’m tired of the looks. I’m tired of seeing your patients in the waiting area staring at me, trying to figure out why I’m here. I feel like I should wear a sign that says, ‘I’m not crazy, my wife died.’”

  “Is someone other than my patients judging you?”

  “I may have someone at the office who’s judging me, looking at me, maybe pitying me. Hell if I know. I just get this feeling whenever we have to work together. I can’t stand it. It’s like he thinks I’m going to lose it at any moment.”

  “Is this someone who you work closely with? It seems so since it’s bothering you.”

  “He’s my work buddy.”

  “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Call him a work buddy.”

  “What’s the problem with that? That’s what he is. He’s there to shadow me on my cases just in case there comes a time when I may not be available and he’s able to take over for the time being.”

  “He’s an associate, David. He’s an equal to you.”

  “I have more cases under my belt. He’s not my equal.”

  “Don’t you think the partners feel that he may be your equal since they have assigned him to you? Do you think they would allow someone who is inferior to you to take your case load? To represent the firm when you are unable?”

  “You may be right, but he still pisses me off. There’s just something about him.”

  “Have you lost your temper around him? Have you given him any reason to think you may lose it at any moment?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “What else does he make you feel?”

  “That I’m incapable of doing my job. That I can’t make conscientious decisions. It’s the looks he gives me when I’m going over things with him. I’m a corporate attorney. I’m not a brain surgeon, my job isn’t that complex. I just do what my clients expect of me. They tell me their wishes and I make sure it happens, legally. Some clients want things that legally they can’t get. When that happens I come up with an alternative. Everyone is happy and I get paid. It’s that simple.”

  “Why don’t you speak to him? Express to him your feelings or the thoughts that you’re having.”

  “Or I can just ask the partner to give me another work buddy, sorry, associate. These are my clients. My cases, my blood, sweat, and tears. He’s just supposed to be there as my back-up, my understudy if something were to happen with the kids and I can’t make it in or something. Which hasn’t happened yet. He and I just don’t mesh well. I can’t put my finger on it, but I can’t stand the guy.”

  “Fair enough, if avoidance is how you want to handle it, then so be it.”

  “You think I’m avoiding?”

  “You avoid, David.”

  “How am I avoiding if I just don’t want to deal with a guy? Isn’t the saying learn to pick your battles? Maybe I don’t want to battle with him. Maybe I just want to go our separate ways.”

  “How are things with you and Olivia?”

  “We’re fine. She’s a great therapist to Clare and a huge help to me with the kids. She’s a great friend.”

  “Just a friend? Nothing has happened since the kiss at the bar and the talk at the park?”

  “Should there be anything else? I’m happy, the kids are happy. Brody is thriving, Clare seems to be happy having Olivia around. It makes my life a lot easier.”

  “How does Olivia feel about it all? How does she feel about helping and becoming a intricate part of your everyday life?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t ask her.”

  “See, avoiding.”

  Well fuck me.

  26

  David

  Watching my children sleep has become my favorite pastime. It’s amazing the calming effect it has on my already stressful life. Between work, the kids, paying the household bills and making sure the walls around us don’t fall down, it seems that my life is nothing but stress. Then there is Olivia, she’s a welcomed stress in the way she comes bursting into my house taking charge, making sure Clare is suitable for school and Brody gets his cereal. Hell, if it weren’t for her suggestion to try solids that boy would drink formula from a bottle until the day he graduates. Meals from a bottle are just so much easier than dealing with the whining from my seven year old. Too bad Clare’s too old to go back to a bottle. Two kids drinking from a bottle would make my life so much easier.

  I love watching Brody sleep. He’s so much more animated than Clare. Clare sleeps like the dead, but Brody, his eyes flutter, he smiles and pouts. It seems that he replays the day’s events while he’s deep in slumber. I have come to cherish this time of night. When we first moved back home, the quiet bugged me. I hated having the night to myself, it only gave me time to think. Think of my life and how things have changed. How the absence of Kate seemed overwhelming at times. But after hearing daddy I want and daddy I can’t over and over, the few hours I have of silence brings me comfort. After a day full of giving myself to everyone in my life, it’s at night that I take the time for me.

  Once I know the kids are asleep for the night, I decide to take this time to unwind and relax. Starting the shower, I wait for the room to fill with steam. The reflection that stares back at me seems to be of the same man that I have spent these past few months looking at. I seem the same, but inside I’m healing. The hurt and pain of Kate’s death isn’t as crushing as it once was. My chest no longer tightens with the thought of it, with the memory of her laying in my arms as the life in her eyes goes out. It still hurts, but I’m no longer paralyzed by the pain.

  Making sure the door is closed but not locked, just in case Clare needs to get to me, I step into the shower. The sting of the water hits my shoulders and runs down my back. Bracing my hands on the cold tile, I welcome the pain. Standing under the spray of the water, I try to wash this day’s stresses away. If I were any less of a man I would have filled the tub full of water and used some of Kate’s flowered bath salts, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. The shower is gonna have to do.

  *

  “Mind if I join you?” Kate enters the bathroom in all her naked glory. “Clare should be down for the night and I thought you could use some company.”

  I take her hand and pull her to me. The feel of her body next to mine makes my dick twitch. “You know I’m always up for your company.” I wipe the spray from her face as she looks up to me. “You’re so beautiful, Kate. I’m so lucky to call you my wife. Clare is so lucky to have you as her mother.”

  “I’m not the only one, honey. You’re the most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I love you more with each day that passes.”

  She brings her hands up behind my neck and pulls my lips to hers. The heat of her lips on mine makes my dick harden. I can feel myself grow as she presses her body into mine. Each swipe of her tongue makes me want to be inside of her more. I can never get enough of her. The feel of her tongue on mine, the way her body responds to my touch. I want to bury myself deep inside her and spend the rest of my life there. Her lips leave mine and I open my eyes. The look she is giving me tells me one thing. This is about me, my pleasure and if she’s willing to give it to me, then I’m going to damn well take it.

  I reach out and place my hands on the tile, shielding her from the water as she makes her way down my body. My cock pulses with every nip and lick she gives me. The heat of her breath on my already overheated body brings me chills. I close my eyes and welcome the feel of her soft mouth on the tip of my d
ick. Her tongue caresses me as she licks my shaft from base to tip.

  *

  The memory of Kate on her knees beneath me makes my dick harden. How fucking perfect she was. How her mouth felt like heaven when it was wrapped about my cock. I take myself in my hand, stroking until the stiffness becomes too much. I’m rigid, throbbing and in need of my wife’s pussy to ease the pain. Something I won’t ever feel again. I stroke myself over and over seeing Kate’s green eyes while her mouth is full of my dick. Her staring up at me while she sucks me off. The sight is welcomed, a memory that I will take with me until the day I die. That night in the shower, the memory is so vivid, it’s etched in my mind. I stroke myself, rough this time, lost in the past, lost in my wife’s green eyes. She’s so beautiful.

  I feel my orgasm start to build, the chills of it spreading over my skin. With my dick in my hand I work and stroke my cock, mixing my pre-cum with the water. The emerald green of my wife’s eyes turn to mismatched blue and green. My stroking becomes rougher and I squeeze harder. Mismatched eyes that only belong to one woman. Soft green with gold flecks in one eye while the other is clear blue with a navy ring. Wrapping my fingers around my shaft, I tug again. Chestnut hair morphs into golden locks. I stroke up from my base to the tip. Freckles that once covered the nose of my wife is transposed by clear olive skin. “Olivia.” The picture of my wife is now replaced by Olivia. Olivia on her knees before me. Olivia’s mouth wrapped around my cock. Olivia mewing with desire as she takes me, as she sucks me. Christ, fucking shit. I squeeze my eyes closed at the thought. The feel of her mouth, how soft she feels around my dick, I jerk my hand, over and over again. Needing my release, I fixate on her eyes, two different shades, but both holding her desire for me. “Olivia.” I feel the need to have her, the need to take her. My knees grow weak, black spots cloud my vision as my release hits the tile sliding down to mix with the water of the shower. Slowing my strokes, I continue milking myself of the much needed release. Olivia.