“Well, dear sister, you figured wrong.”
“What happened?” She walks over, taking my beer from my hand. “Get yourself another while you’re at it.” She takes a seat at one of the bar stools.
“Do you really think I’m going to talk to you about my sex life?” I yank open the fridge door and grab another beer.
“If you don’t, then Olivia will.”
“I highly doubt that.” I lean against the counter.
“Don’t doubt the bond of females and their sex stories, David, you’ll lose every time.” She tips her beer to me and then takes a sip.
There have been times in my life when I should’ve known that I need help or advice, or when I don’t. Over these past few months, people have been coming out of the damn woodwork trying to put their two cents in when it comes to my life, my children and what I need to do to become the parent they deserve. I’m not even talking about my parents. I take their advice, listen to what they have to say and make sure they know that their comments are welcomed. I may not always follow the advice, but I do listen because hell, my parents have raised two incredible children, so waving off their comments isn’t a smart idea. I could care less when Nancy neighbor down the street decides to come over to let me know how to raise my daughter so she doesn’t end up having mommy issues. Those people I would like to take my boot to their asses.
Looking at Des, there’s an internal battle brewing. She’s my younger sister, negative. She’s a therapist, positive, she’s Olivia’s co-worker and friend, that can be both a positive and negative. “Jesus, David, I’m not asking you to re-enact what happened between you and Olivia. I’m not asking for stick figures and diagrams. I’m asking as your sister, because I want to help. Knowing Olivia the way I do can be beneficial for you. Hearing your side of the story first can also be beneficial for you. That way I won’t want to ring your neck once I hear her take on it.”
“I fucked up.”
“How did you fuck up?”
“I don’t know, Des, maybe I didn’t fuck up. Maybe Olivia did. I don’t know. I just know things were progressing nicely then she said she wanted me to make love to her and I froze.”
“You froze?”
“Yes. Those words freaked me out okay? I haven’t heard those words come from anyone else other than Kate and it just threw me for a loop.”
“David, you’ve slept with women before Kate. You were quite the man-whore before you settled down, and I can’t believe that no other female has ever said to make love to them. It’s a common saying.”
“Maybe, but Des, I was a kid. I hadn’t met the love of my life yet. Things are different now.”
“Yes, you found the love of your life, but she’s gone, David, and don’t. Don’t look at me like that. I loved Kate. She was my sister for all tense of purposes. She made you happy. She was the best daughter-in-law to mom and dad, she never did anything but love you and this family. But she’s gone and you have come to understand that and accept it.”
“I have.”
“With a lot of help from Olivia.”
“She said she’s falling in love, Destiny.”
“She did?”
“Yes.”
“You fucked up.”
37
Olivia
The knock at my front door pulls me away from my current painting of Brandon. I know that I paint to try to deal with the guilt. I know that it’s a messed up way to cope and that I need to speak to someone about it. But right now, I need to feel close to Brandon. I need to help myself not feel guilty for letting go of him and opening my heart up to David. Even though David doesn’t want my heart, or my love, I can’t help feel what I feel for him and those kids. I pushed him. But I wanted him to know that it wasn’t going to be just sex for me. For fifteen years it’s only been sex for me, but no more. I feel so much more for David than I have for any other man. Brandon included. “I know you’re home, Liv, so you might as well just open the door.” Destiny. Of course it’s her. I’m sure she’s in full therapist mode right now.
“I’m coming,” I yell as I wipe my hands of paint. When I open the door, she’s standing there holding a bottle of wine.
“Des, it’s eleven o’clock. Don’t you think it’s getting a little late for wine and whine?”
She scoots past me into my living room. “I figured you could use a little wine and whine. I spoke with David.” She continues on her way into my home and straight to the kitchen pulling out pint glasses, yes we drink our wine from pint glasses when it’s our wine and whine time. “I’ve left a message at the office.” She pulls the cork out of the bottle with ease. “I told them neither of us would be in until lunch so they needed to fix our schedules.”
“I’m not really in the mood.”
“Well, it’s a good thing that I am.” She hands me a glass. “You have paint on your nose, were you painting?”
“No, I thought I would try to use paint as makeup. Try to change things up a bit.” She looks past me towards the room that I use as a studio. Without warning, she walks towards it. “Destiny, please.”
“Please what? I wanna see.” She heads down the hall and stops short from actually going in. The room is overly bright from the vertical lamps I have standing in two of the four corners. On my easel there is an almost finished painting of Brandon. His dark hair cut short, just like he always wore it. His blue eyes sparkle with so much life. This is how I remember him, not the way I last saw him. Hooked up to the machines, dead in all the ways that count. I promised myself that’s not how I would remember Brandon. I would remember him full of life. Full of love. “He was a gorgeous kid, wasn’t he?”
“I think he was more of a man than a kid. We were young, but he was mature beyond his years. I think that’s why I was okay with getting married so young.”
She nods her head, acknowledging what I just said. She walks into the room and heads right for the reasons why I didn’t want her in here in the first place. My paintings of David. Over the past few months that I’ve spent time with him and the kids, I’ve captured my most favorite moments. She puts her wine down on the table that houses all my paints and picks up my favorite. It’s of David standing at the French doors of his kitchen that lead out to his backyard. I think this is his favorite place in the house. I’ve caught him standing there, looking out in the backyard more times than I can count. In my painting he’s casual, wearing a white t-shirt and his black lounge pants with the white stripe down the side. His crystal blue eyes show the intensity that I saw earlier tonight. I know he wanted to be here, but he’s having some major internal conflicts. They’re the same conflicts that I’ve dealt with my entire adult life.
“They’re like night and day, huh?” Des turns towards me while holding David’s painting.
“Are you talking about how David is all Chris Hemsworth and Brandon’s well, not?”
“Yeah, I guess I am. You think David resembles Thor?”
I laugh, “Well no. Your brother is hot and all, but he’s no Thor.”
“Yeah, you’re right. But I always thought everyone has a type. No matter who they date or spend their time with they all sort of resemble each other.”
“Not everyone is like you are. I know your type, you’ve dated and messed around with the same type of guy. Maybe Brandon really wasn’t my type. Maybe it was the fact that he was there for me when I needed someone. He was my friend before anything else. It could have been the comfort that I fell in love with.”
“And David’s your type now?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I take the painting from her. Hopefully, by me setting it back down she understands that I’m done being in here.
“I think it does, Olivia.” I walk past her to head down the hall, back into the living room where I sit on the overstuffed couch. “You’ve spent so many years thinking that you don’t want love again. You try to mask your guilt that you’re living and Brandon isn’t by surrounding yourself with his memory. Tonight, you finally allow
ed yourself to acknowledge that you have feelings for someone who isn’t Brandon.”
“What good has it done? None. I opened up, while I was naked, mind you, and he said he couldn’t do it.”
“David is going through a lot. You of all people know that, Olivia. You know the struggle he’s experiencing.”
“I’m not saying that I don’t understand. I totally get it, Des. I completely understand.”
“You need to give him the time he needs.”
“I understand about time. But the thing is, we are in two different stages in our lives right now.”
“He needs time to process what he’s feeling and come to terms with his own guilt.”
“I know, and I hope he does, Destiny, but I’m tired of living my life on pause. I hope David finds what he needs and is able to move on with his life. I’m just not sure I’ll be here for him when he finally realizes that surviving isn’t the best he can do. I’m not sure I’ll be here when he sees that what he needs is to love again.”
38
David
7.5 MONTHS
“I have to say, David, I was surprised when I saw your name on the schedule. We just spoke last week.”
I know this is shocking, but I can’t get what happened, or should I say, what didn’t happen with Olivia out of my head. Destiny has respected Olivia’s privacy. Because of that she wouldn’t go into detail about why what Olivia said to me is such a big deal. All I know is that Olivia hasn’t made any morning visits in the past week. Clare has been asking about her and I can see that the lack of having Olivia around is starting to affect her.
“I felt that I need to speak with you and I wasn’t able to wait until my normally scheduled visit. I hope that’s alright?”
“My door is always open, David, you know that. So, what has brought you in today?”
“I need you to tell me about Olivia Conrad.”
“You know that I can’t do that.”
“So you mean to tell me that you two have never discussed me and what you and I talk about?”
“That is correct. Is there a reason why you would think that I would break your confidentiality? Have I given you any reason to think otherwise?”
“No, I’m sorry to insinuate anything like that.”
“So, why are you really here, David?”
“Olivia hasn’t spoken with me in about a week. She isn’t answering my texts. She’s stopped coming by and Clare is asking questions.”
“Isn’t Olivia treating Clare along with your sister?”
“Yes, but I believe that Clare has come accustomed to Olivia being more than just her therapist. I think Clare sees Olivia as a friend.”
“What caused this sudden change in Olivia? I thought she was happy with what she’s become to your children. I thought you and her had an understanding.”
“By that wording, I have a feeling you know what happened. Does Olivia still talk to you about her past? Is she still your patient?”
“Again David, that is something that I’m not at liberty to discuss with you.”
“Olivia and I took our relationship to the next level last week. Well, almost.” Talking about what happened is harder than I thought it would be. “Um, well, I think she and I want something different. We’re not on the same page. I thought we were, but now I believe she wants something that I can’t give her. Not right now, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give it to her. I want something physical, and I thought she wanted the same thing. From what she’s told me, that’s how she’s spent all these years since Brandon died.”
“She talked to you about that?”
“Yes. She told me about him and her parents a while ago. She’s talked to me about how she’s coped all these years.”
“How has she coped all these years?”
“She’s had sex without the connection, without strings attached.”
“David, you and I both know that I’m not a sex therapist so getting into details about what may or may not have happened between you and Olivia isn’t necessary. I just want the information as to what happened to cause her to back away from you. To become about non-existent to your children.”
“She told me she was falling in love with me.”
I saw the look of shock cross the features of her face. By her reaction, by the fact that she is covering up her response tells me that Olivia hasn’t discussed our situation with her. This knowledge makes me feel better.
“I see.” She takes a moment to tap away on her tablet. I stare out the window watching the haze of the early morning fog cross the red metal of the Golden Gate Bridge. “David.” I look at her. “Do you understand the gravity of the situation when someone who has lost someone in the way Olivia lost Brandon?” She’s shitting me right? I mean I lost my wife for Christ sakes, my children have lost their mother. “At her age, at a point in her life where she was supposed to be planning the rest of her life, her future, only to lose everything in a blink of an eye. For some, that amount of loss is too much. For some, they never chance to give their heart to another in fear of the same fate. Olivia has spent the last fifteen years in the mind frame that she doesn’t need to fall in love again. But now, I see things have changed.”
“Yes, I guess they have.”
“What did you tell Olivia when she voiced her feelings to you?”
“That I couldn’t.” I looked down, ashamed of my inability to give her something that she wants, that I know she deserves.
“Rejection is a hard pill to swallow.”
“I didn’t reject her.”
“You may not think so, but in her head, in her heart, you did. She’s experiencing the same thing she’s spent the last fifteen years avoiding.”
“Well then, Dr. Bernstein, how do I fix it?”
“You can’t, David. You’ve given her your facts, you’ve told her your truth. Now she needs to either come to terms with how you feel and be okay with it, or she finds that she can’t, and walks away. She can’t allow herself to only be partially happy. Just as you can’t live a life you aren’t comfortable with.”
“So I have to wait?”
“The ball’s in her court.”
39
David
Me: Olivia, please respond to me. I just need to know you’re doing okay.
This is probably the millionth text that I’ve sent to Olivia over the past several weeks. She still hasn’t responded. I’ve demonstrated extreme self restraint by not driving over to her house just about every night. I may have driven by a couple times on my way home from the office or after I’ve picked up the kids from my parents. I’m very well aware of the fact that I’ve become borderline obsessed. My life has become dark again. The little light that she brought is now gone.
Clare is doing better though. She’s spending time outside of the therapy sessions with Destiny and Olivia, and she’s now thriving. I still haven’t had a chance to speak with Olivia, but not without trying on my part. The two have come to an agreement that no matter who is spending time with Clare, together or by themselves, my sister is always the one to drop her off. I have started to ask Clare about her sessions, but I never push. I don’t want her to feel that she doesn’t have the confidence she needs to have with Destiny and Olivia. I’m here when and if she needs me and that’s all I can do, for now.
Olivia: I’m fine David. Thank you for asking.
Finally.
“David, do you have a minute?” I look up when I hear my sister’s voice. She’s standing at the door holding two coffees.
I look at my desk which is covered in contracts. “Of course. Come in.”
“I wanted to speak with you about Olivia.” So far she has been very tight lipped when it comes this subject. The fact that she wants to talk now doesn’t make me feel any better.
“I don’t want you to go against anything she may want, Destiny. I don’t want you to put your friendship and the trust she has in you in any jeopardy.”
“Well, I’ve made my de
cision that something needs to be done. What did she tell you about Brandon?”
“Just that he was there through her childhood, they were best friends that turned into more. He proposed to her and she accepted the same night that they were in the car accident. His parents kept him alive so she was able to say goodbye to him.”
“Did she talk to you about after and what she went through?”
“Just that she went through a dark time. She needed help and she finally got it when she met Dr. Bernstein.”
“Has she talked to you about the first time she tried to kill herself?”
This wasn’t something that Olivia and I talked about. I never knew how deep her depression went, just that she didn’t want to go on any longer and it took her a while to see that her life was worth living and not meant to be cut short.
“Des, we haven’t talked about that. I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you. Olivia should be telling me this stuff, not you.”
“Olivia won’t talk about it. She doesn’t. That’s a problem of hers. She hasn’t been able to work completely through her guilt. She’s able to cope with it just enough to live her life. Don’t get me wrong; she’s accepted a lot, but she hasn’t been able to completely get over what happened. I’m not sure she ever will. Her grief is one of the reasons why she is such a great therapist. She’s able to focus on her career and nothing more.”
“Is there a point to this, Destiny?”
“The first time she tried to take her life, she overdosed on the sleeping pills her doctor prescribed to her.”
I didn’t feel comfortable talking about this at all. These were things that Olivia hasn’t felt like she needed to tell me. It’s not like we’ve had sit downs to talk about our deep dark secrets. Olivia and I weren’t there in our friendship. I’m not sure we ever would be. I felt like I was betraying her.
“Destiny. Please, I don’t feel right about this.”
“It happened the night of Brandon’s funeral.”
Love After Pain Page 15