by Todd, Ian
“So, how ur they treating ye?”
Silence.
“Look, Helen, Ah know this is difficult fur ye, bit Ah really want tae help ye…if Ah kin.”
“Ye mean, tae get yer story and fuck aff back tae where ye came fae?”
“The story is important, aye.”
“Why did ye set me and ma pals up?”
“Ah don’t know whit ye’re talking aboot.”
“Aye, right,” she grumbled, taking a draw ae her fag.
“Whitever ye may think, Ah hid nothing tae dae wae ye sitting in here,” he said, wae a wave ae his haun.
“So, why ur ye here then?”
“Ah’m working tae a tight deidline. Ah need access tae the maws. They still won’t gie me a sniff withoot your say-so.”
“And Ah’m in here. Wait until Ah get oot next Friday and then come and see me. Ye know where Ah live.”
“Look, Ah think it’s important that we talk straight tae each other.”
Silence.
“Whit Ah mean is, it’s nae good tae anywan if ye sit there sherricking me because ye don’t like whit ye hear. That disnae dae me any good and takes up precious time that we don’t hiv,” The Rat pleaded, looking her in the eye.
Silence.
“If ye’ll only hear me oot, withoot melting they ears ae mine, then ye kin decide whether ye want tae sit and hiv another fag. Noo, Ah might no get the words right the first time and if Ah don’t, then Ah’m sorry in advance. Ah never wis good wae words.”
“Bit, ye’re a journalist.”
“That’s no whit Ah’m oan aboot. Jist let me explain the situation fae where Ah’m staunin,” he said, leaning back in his chair wae his erms spread oot, in mock submission.
“Ah’m listening.”
“Right, bit remember, Ah need tae be frank and honest wae ye, withoot getting a lug-full.”
Silence.
“Right, here goes. Ah’m no as convinced as ye seem tae be aboot ye getting hame next Friday, bit let’s look at where ye’re at.”
“Where Ah’m at? Ah’m in the bloody jail.”
“There wis a ten year auld boy that goat frizzled in a fire in a dookit. It happens aw the time. There wis a wee boy goat droont up in the Nolly oan the same day, same age as the dookit boy. It wis yer typical terrible weekend ae accidents. You and me know fine well that it happens every weekend in the toon. The fact that the same wee boy, the wan that goat frizzled, wis been hunted doon, alang wae aw his pals, wan being yer son, aw through the summer, by the local bizzies, may seem a wee bit suspicious, bit then again, maybe no. Anyhow, Ah’ve heard oan good authority that, because that wee manky crowd wur running rings roond them, the polis upped the anti and decided tae teach the wee rascals a lesson, and burnt doon the cabin as a warning. Unfortunately, wan ae the boys wis in the cabin when it went up in smoke, taking him wae it.”
“Where’s yer proof?”
“Well, the proof is getting access tae the boys and the maws, like yersel, tae hear their side ae the story.”
“It seems a bit far-fetched tae me…and Ah’m no the only wan that thinks that.”
“Well, whit Ah’m efter is daeing a story oan the heavy haundedness ae the local fuzz in Glesga. So, ma story is wider than the wee boy Kelly getting done in. There ur plenty ae examples ae kids being brutalised and beaten up by oor boys in blue, withoot any recourse tae the protection that they’re entitled tae.”
“Ah thought ye wurnae wan fur words.”
“Whit Ah’m saying is, this isnae Egypt or Africa we’re talking aboot here. It’s ma job as an investigative journalist tae investigate the wrangs in society. Withoot people like me, where wid we aw be, eh?”
“Ye know, ye nearly hid me there…fur a second.”
“Helen, furget whit Ah might look like tae you. Of course Ah don’t gie a fuck aboot hauf the things Ah write aboot. It’s whit happens efter Ah write a story that’s important.”
Silence.
“Don’t look at me like that. Why the fuck did ye want me and a photographer tae come and cover yer wee demonstration up in the Toonheid, eh? Ah’ll tell ye why. Because ye thought that something might be done aboot warrant sales, if it ended up in the paper…that’s why. Personally, Ah don’t gie a monkey’s aboot warrant sales.”
“So, Ah’m wrang then? Wasting ma time trying tae protect vulnerable people who don’t know how tae staun up fur themsels due tae the weight ae the yokes they wur born wae wrapped roond their necks?”
“Look, of course Ah’ll move oan, bit in the meantime, if Ah dae a story that allows other people tae catch oan tae something that’s no right, then maybe something will change...someday.”
“Right, where ur ye then?”
“Ah’ve done ma checking oot and Ah’m jist aboot there. Aw Ah need is tae speak wae yer crowd and Ah kin take it forward.”
“If whit ye’re saying aboot that wee boy Samuel Kelly is true, which Ah find hard tae believe, despite Liam Thompson being a shitehoose, then that’s far mair important than me or the injustice ae warrant sales.”
“Well, even if it is true, it wid take a miracle tae prove. Ma job is tae raise doubt in people’s minds, so as tae get people tae question whit’s acceptable or no. Ye widnae believe whit goes oan behind the scenes and whit’s stacked up against anywan who lifts their heids above the parapet.”
“Is that right?”
“Ah don’t mean somewan like you. Ye’ve jist goat a wee taste ae whit goes oan. Ye’d never believe the hauf ae it. There’s a book by a bloke called George Orwell. It’s called Nineteen Eighty Four and it’s aw aboot censorship and control by the ruling party who’re called Big Brother. Behind the scenes, the party, or Big Brother, controls everything and anywan. If anywan stauns oot, they get crushed. The higher ye crawl up the ladder, the crueller ye hiv tae become tae prove yer loyalty. The guy’s a bloody genius and he definitely knew something aboot whit goes oan behind the scenes.”
“Ah don’t hiv the time tae scratch ma arse, never mind tae read science fiction.”
“Well, if ye ever get a minute, check it oot. People like yersel get crushed like ants in it.”
“Ur ye sure it’s no called Nineteen Sixty Five?”
“The problem is, ye’re in here and Ah’m oot there. We need tae get ye oot.”
“Ah’ll be oot oan Friday.”
“As Ah understaun it, ye’re in here tae get ye oot ae the way. The high heid wans in the polis know Ah’m daeing a story. They’re running aboot, pulling doon the hatches, as we speak. Every wee potential threat, however unimportant it may seem, is getting looked at and dealt wae. At first, they claimed the fire wis an accident, and then they said the fire wis probably started by boys the same age as the Kelly boy. The latest is that they’re using the fact that wan ae their polis boxes in St James Road goat burned doon as evidence that there’s some wee local toe-rags gaun aboot, trying tae burn the place doon. JP Donnelly is jist a dangleberry oan the arse ae the wan in control, bit he’s playing his part well…the prick that he is. He’s put you well oot ae reach. In the meantime, there’s a bigger game gaun oan that Ah don’t really understaun masel, bit there’s some big players involved and that son ae yers and his pals ur in the mix somewhere, so they ur.”
“So, if Ah’m no getting oot oan Friday, why the hell ur ye sitting here, letting me smoke aw yer shite Woodbines then?”
“Ah never said ye cannae get oot oan Friday. Whit Ah said is, fae where Ah’m sitting, ye won’t be lying in yer ain bed next Friday night withoot a wee bit ae help fae me.”
“Listen Tom, Dick or Paddy…whitever yer name is. Ah never invited ye intae ma life. In fact, Ah’m no too sure where the fuck ye came fae in the first place. Whit Ah dae know is, Ah’m sick ae the sight ae ye awready and Ah’ve only ever clapped eyes oan ye a few times before the day. Let’s no mess aboot here. If ye want tae help me, help me. If ye don’t, don’t. Ah owe ye sweet fuck aw, so don’t start daeing me any favours. There’s poor souls in here that ur mair de
serving ae yer charity than me.”
“Helen, whit did Ah jist say, eh? Ah know ye’ve a right tae be angry, bit let’s me and you no fall oot, eh?”
Silence.
“Whit dae ye want fae me?” she eventually asked him.
“We need tae get ye oot ae here, bit there’s wan wee problem.”
“Aye and whit’s that then?”
“Ma paper cannae be seen tae be involved.”
“Right, that’s fine by me. So, whit’s next?”
“Did ye sack yer brief?”
“Naw, Ah never hid wan.”
“Aye, bit the wan the court appointed tae represent ye? Ye telt him tae fuck aff…is that right?”
“Something like that.”
“Who wis it?”
“There wis two ae them. Howdy and Barker, Ah think they wur called. As soon as Ah clocked them, Ah decided tae represent masel.”
“Aye, well, ye did the right thing. That pair ur the biggest crooks ye’ll probably ever meet in yer life. They’re making a killing oot ae representing aw the flotsam that darkens the doors ae JP’s court. Ah wis telt that he takes ten percent ae everything they make. Ah’m gonnae dae a great story oan that pair ae arseholes wan ae these days, when Ah’m no so busy wae the bigger fish that Ah need tae fry in the toon.”
“So, Ah’m okay withoot a lawyer then?”
“Naw, Ah’ve goat ye a wee guy. His name’s Harry Portoy. He used tae be a big-shot brief a few years ago, till wan ae his cases went wrang and he ended up oan the drink.”
“So, he’s goat a good track record and is sensitive tae boot then?” Helen asked sarcastically, lighting up another fag.
“Ah don’t know aboot being sensitive, bit he definitely didnae mess aboot. He used tae take aw they crown briefs tae the cleaners. Ye wid see them toppling like milk bottles oan tap ae a wall. Wan time, when he wis asked tae comment oan his success, he said it wisnae that he wis successful, it wis jist that the opposition wur that shite that he felt he should’ve been charged wae earning a living under false pretences.”
“So, will he be there oan Friday?”
“Aye.”
“How the hell kin he represent me, if Ah only get tae see him five minutes before Ah’m in front ae JP?”
“Ye won’t. Ah’ve arranged tae get him up tae speak wae ye oan Tuesday or Wednesday. When ye meet him, don’t be put aff by the way he looks or comes across.”
“How dae ye mean?”
“Ye’ll need tae be sensitive wae him.”
“Ah’ll need tae be sensitive wae him? Who the hell’s representing who here?”
“Aye, well, he’s been oot ae the game fur a wee while and he’s no been well, so it might take him a wee bit ae time tae, er, get focussed.”
“Focussed?”
“Aye, well, ye know whit Ah mean.”
“Naw Ah don’t. Tell me.”
“Ah’ve jist managed tae get a haud ae him, bit Ah hivnae explained the details ae yer situation tae him yet.”
“So he’s agreed tae take me oan then? He’s signed oan the dotted line or whitever they lawyer types dae?”
“Well, no quite yet, bit he will.”
“Listen, Ah’m getting confused and concerned here. Whit the hell’s gaun oan? Hiv Ah goat a lawyer or no?”
“Er, aye and naw.”
Silence.
“Ah picked him up when he wis oan route tae The Tontine Hotel this morning.”
“Whit’s he goat tae dae wae The Tontine Hotel?”
“He lives there.”
“Whit, is he in charge then?”
“Er, naw, he’s wan ae the punters.”
“Ur ye trying tae tell me that ma brief is a jakey?”
“He’s no a real jakey.”
“So, whit is he then?”
“Ah telt ye, he hid a wee bad turn and noo he’s oan his way back.”
“So, when did he start the journey back then?”
“Er, this morning.”
Silence.
“Ah know it sounds worse than bad, bit believe me, he’s wan ae the tap lawyers in the toon...or he wis.”
“So, when wis the last time he hid a drink then?”
“Ah’m no quite sure…probably this morning.”
Silence.
“Ah telt ye, the paper cannae hiv a trail back tae yersel. This guy is good. Ah’ve seen him in action. Ah’ve taken him tae dry oot. The wee wummin Ah’ve taken him tae will hiv him running aboot in nae time. Aw ye need tae dae is no judge the book by the cover and dae exactly as he asks.”
“Tuesday or Wednesday, ye said?”
“Aye.”
“Ah cannae bloody wait tae see this. At least it’ll be entertaining, if nothing else.”
“Helen, don’t ye worry aboot a thing. Trust me. Ah’m seldom wrang aboot these things. Jist you leave Harry tae me and keep yer mental spirits up.”
“So, how come ye managed tae get in here the day? Everywan’s locked up fur the duration.”
“Ah don’t know. Ma boss goat me in.”
“So, if they ask, who dae Ah say ye ur?”
“Jist tell them Ah’m yer brief’s assistant, Mr Morrison. Ah’ve come tae take a statement.”
“Ah’m gonnae come oot ae this place a bigger bloody liar than Ah wis when Ah came in.”
“Is there anything else Ah kin dae fur ye? Dae ye want me tae take a run up and pass oan a message tae yer family?”
“You jist stay well clear ae ma family,” she warned. “Ah’ll deal wae them masel. Jist make sure that yer pal Harry disnae hiv a drink and leave me high and dry oan Friday,” Helen said, staunin up.
“Don’t worry, he’ll produce the goods.”
“Aye, well, we’ll see.”
“Ah’m sorry aboot The Corporation…the basturts.”
“Whit aboot them?”
“Sending oot a letter telling ye tae get yer arse doon tae them next Friday efternoon or yersel and the weans ur oot oan yer arses.”
“Whit letter?”
“Dae ye no know? There’s a letter been sent oot tae tell ye tae turn up at a meeting tae explain why ye’re interfering wae Corporation business.”
“The basturts!”
“Remember whit Ah telt ye aboot Big Brother? This is it in practice locally, oan the ground flair. This is how they work.”
“Bit, how dae ye know aboot the letter? Hiv ye been talking tae ma lassies?”
“Naw, Ah picked it up oan ma travels. They’re oot tae get ye, so they ur.”
“This lawyer, Harry whitever his name is, better be as good as ye think he is or ye kin furget yer story,” Helen said, stubbing her fag oot, as The Rat disappeared oot the door.
“This way, Taylor,” Sideburn Sally said, opening and clanging shut another steel gate efter she passed through.
Helen’s heid wis ringing. The news aboot the letter hid scared her mair than whit The Rat hid been prattling oan aboot. She wis hog-tied and trapped, she thought tae hersel, trying tae suppress the panic that she felt welling up inside.
“Right, sit oan that bench jist noo. When ye go in, it’s yes ma’am, no ma’am, three bags full ma’am. Hiv ye goat that?”
Helen didnae know whit the she wis oan aboot. It wis only when she sat doon, she noticed she wis sitting opposite a door that said ‘Assistant Governor’ oan it. Side Burns disappeared inside, leaving The Twitcher ootside, twitching across at her, bit no saying a word.
“Right, Taylor, quick as ye kin noo. We cannae keep the Governor waiting, kin we?”
Helen walked through the door. The room wis bright and plush, like something oot ae they magazines that she skimmed through when she wis sitting waiting at the doctors roond oan St James Road. She couldnae remember ever seeing a picture ae a Praying Mantis, bit the wee skinny wummin sitting behind the huge desk looked jist like wan, and it wisnae anything tae dae wae the padded shoulder pads, ootlined under the fabric ae the smart suit she wis sporting. Helen felt her knees wobble, which probably stoapped her fae aboot
turning and running screaming fae the room tae plead wae somewan, anywan, tae let her go hame tae her man and weans.
“Name and number, Taylor?” barked Hairy Face.
“Er, Taylor.”
“Number?”
Silence.
“Never mind, Martha, I’ll take it from here,” Maggie Metal Drawers said tae Big Fat Martha.
“Yes, ma’am,” the screw said, aboot turned and pounded oot the door wae that man’s walk ae hers, followed by Twitchy Arse.
“So, you’re the person who doesn’t believe in paying her bills like the rest of us?”
“Naw, Ah’m the wan that pleaded not guilty tae assaulting a six foot three gorilla, who wis part ae a twenty four strong squad ae polis, who decided tae assault me and ma neighbours when we wur peacefully protesting aboot sheriff officers conducting a hoose sale ae the furniture ae an auld age pensioner fur no being able tae pay her rent because aw her money went oan trying tae keep hersel and her hoose warm when it wis freezing, due tae the draughts coming in through the rotten windae frames ae her Corporation hoose...ma’am.”
Fur Christ’s sake…slow doon, Helen…stoap panicking…be strong…be strong, a distant voice wis shouting fae somewhere in the back ae beyond, fae inside that heid ae hers.
“So, you see yourself as some type of martyr then, do you?”
“Ah see masel as others see me. Some like whit they see, some don’t...ma’am.”
“But, you believe that people should decide whether to pay for things or not, even after they have entered into a legal agreement?”
“Ah’ve never owned a car, bit ye look as if ye’ve hid that pleasure. Noo, if ye went intae wan ae they swanky car showrooms and bought a car, believing that it hid four new wheels, fancy padded seats and wis a lovely pink colour, bit efter it wis delivered, the rain washed aff the pink, aw yer wheels started tae drap aff when ye went fur a wee spin tae impress yer pals, and yer seats turned oot tae be a wooden bench like the wan oan the other side ae yer office door there, wid ye be happy tae keep paying yer payments, even though ye signed oan the dotted line...ma’am?”