by Todd, Ian
“Thank ye, sir. Well, it’s aw o’er bar the shouting. The boys hiv been absolutely splendid and hiv aw worked really hard, including, if Ah may say so, Miss Flaw’s bad boys. They’ve taken a keen interest and hiv let us know when the singing hisnae been loud enough tae hear fae the back ae the room.”
“Yes, we were just saying that she’s doing a marvellous job with those boys,” The Heidmaster agreed, as Fanny felt hersel blush.
“And aw the seating is as we want it?” Alvin asked.
“Oh, aye, we’ve put the saft padded seats in the first and second row fur the VIP guests. Paisley’s Lord Provost and his wife, alang wae the chief superintendent and his missus ur bang smack in the middle ae the front row, alang wae yersel and Mrs Gordon. Ye’ll then hiv Mr Martin and wan other guest fae the Scottish Home and Health Department oan wan side and Mr Duponcie and his wife, alang wae Miss Matterhorn, the heid psychiatrist fae Dykebar Mental Hospital, oan the other side. Efter that, aw the chairs that ur left in the front and second rows will be taken up by wans that hivnae goat a reserved sticker oan them. Ah’ve hid a nice wee card fae Dykebar saying that aw the matrons cannae wait. They thought last year’s wis the best Christmas concert they’d ever seen,” Basil bragged unashamedly.
“And so it was, Mr Brush, so it was,” The Heidmaster agreed, as affirmative heids nodded roond the table.
“So, is there anything else ye need fae us then, Mr Brush?” Alvin asked.
“Ah think Ah’ve goat everything Ah need, especially the talents ae Miss Flaw, sitting o’er there, keeping quiet. Her run-through this morning wis jist wonderful…wonderful…and oan her birthday tae.”
“You never told us it was your birthday, Miss Flaw?”
“Oh, er, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, sir.”
“Well, Ah’m sure this is gonnae be wan birthday ye won’t furget in a hurry, eh?” Basil, the mad basturt said, wae a big cheesy grin.
“Oh yes, we’re all looking forward to seeing a wee bit of Fanny up on that stage tonight, glistening under those lights. Isn’t that right?” The Heidmaster asked everywan roond the table.
“Ye’ll shine, Fanny.”
“Ye’ll be the new Mary Poppins.”
“A star oan the make.”
“Well, if that’s everything and on that happy note, all that’s left for me to say is, ‘on with the show,’ Mr Brush…as they say in Hollywood.”
Chapter Nineteen
Johnboy felt sorry fur Patsy as he peeked oot through the curtain at the side ae the stage, as the buzz fae the audience died and the lights dimmed tae the sound ae the Maryhill Midget, black eye in full bloom, singing, ‘Ah’m Sitting Oan Tap Ae The World.’ Patsy wid’ve enjoyed the spectacle. Backstage wis quietly chaotic. Basil wis wandering aboot wae his finger up tae his puckered lips, shushing people tae keep the noise doon, while people wur oot oan the stage vying fur Oscars. Boys wur scurrying aboot like panicking hens, rustling through bundles ae clothes. The natives, who wur aw decked oot in straw hula skirts, and the sailors, wae their redesigned pyjama shirts, red neckties and white sailors’ hats, that Basil hid borrowed fae somewan he knew at the Holy Loch, jostled wae wan another as they aw lined up in the wings, ready tae sashay oot oan tae the stage. Four chairs and a table wae a mirror oan tap ae it hid been set aside in the corner fur the make-up artists tae dae their magic, supervised by Nellie Furrybush, in-between her stints oan stage. Basil spent hauf the time prancing up and doon, gaun o’er his lines, oblivious tae everywan and everything roond aboot him. He’d hid tae step in at the last minute when the original Emile de Becque lost his two front teeth in the brawl wae the singing midget. Silent hid anchored himsel at the side ae the stage fur maist ae the first hauf, totally engrossed, eyes wide open and mooth catching flies. Nelly Furrybush hid jist finished singing ‘Ah’m Gonnae Wash That Man Right Oot Ae Ma Hair’ wae twenty sailors oan backing vocals when the lights dimmed even further. Entering stage left, Emile de Becque sauntered sideways oan tae the stage, facing the audience, looking like a stiff rabbit, caught in the headlamps ae a big BRS lorry, thundering doon St James Road at midnight. The audience soon sussed oot in hauf a second flat that while he wis maybe an expert at putting oan a show, he wis fucking terrified in front ae an audience. When he burst intae ‘Some Enchanted Evening’ the place erupted in howls ae laughter. Although Johnboy hid heard him singing during the rehearsals, he’d never picked up that Basil could dae a good impression ae Elmer Fudd. Even Nellie could hardly staun up straight, it wis so bloody funny. Joe hid been right efter aw…this wis a fucking comedy. The uproar oot front took everywan backstage by surprise. Even though Johnboy hid been impressed seeing everywan gaun through their steps o’er the past week, he hidnae goat the impression that the crowd oot front wid lap it up in the way they obviously did. It wis then that Johnboy clocked him. There, aboot five rows up fae the front, bang in the middle ae the laughing Garngad uglies, wis the unmistakeable bald heid ae Mr Magoo himsel, sitting in amongst them, looking aboot at everywan hivving the time ae their lives. Johnboy froze, before quickly looking across the stage at Silent, trying tae catch his eye. Johnboy wanted tae scream wae frustration. Silent wis too engrossed in watching whit wis gaun oan between Nelly Furrybush and Emile de Becque tae notice Johnboy. Tony and Joe wur naewhere tae be seen, which wis hardly surprising, as it wis staunin room only backstage. Johnboy felt himsel panicking wae excitement, bit wisnae too sure whit tae dae next. He hid a tremendous urge tae take a running jump aff the front ae the stage tae go and grab Skull tae show everywan that he wisnae aff his heid efter aw. Johnboy wis still smarting aboot the uglies gieing Tony and Joe a hard time aboot him o’er the past few weeks.
“Youse pair ur as bad as that mental basturt,” Patsy hid laughingly mocked Tony and Joe at breakfast the morning that he’d goat shipped up tae Rossie Farm.
Johnboy watched Skull. He knew fur definite that it wis him. While everywan else wis hooting at whit wis taking place up oan the stage, Skull wis jist sitting, straight-faced, looking at everywan aboot him. He still hidnae found his Celtic tammy, Johnboy noticed. He wondered if Skull knew aboot their escape? It didnae seem right that Skull wis oot front, sitting in amongst everywan, while The Mankys wur backstage, planning tae fuck aff, tae try and find oot whit hid happened tae him. Johnboy hidnae wanted tae drag his eyes away fae Skull bit he desperately looked aboot tae see if he could see Tony or Joe again. When he turned back and looked across the stage, beyond the shiny braid and buttons ae the cop sitting in the front row, tae where the Garngad crowd wur sitting, Skull wis gone. Johnboy scanned the rows ae heids in the semi-darkness, bit there wis nae sign ae him. He’d disappeared.
They’d planned tae tan in the windae at the end ae ‘There Is Nothing Like A Dame” as the whole cast wid be oan stage, gieing it big licks during that wan. Jist as they wur aboot tae go fur it, Rolled Back Neck appeared roond the curtain at the side ae the stage. The basturt then slowly made his wae roond aw the stage set clutter before planting himsel in the middle ae the changing area. The only wans that wur there, apart fae The Mankys, wur the three make-up artists, who wur sitting there nervously, looking guilty as fuck. Tony hid jist gone and telt them whit wis aboot tae happen, so maybe that hid something tae dae wae how they wur obviously feeling.
“Whit ur youse up tae? Ye’re aw looking as guilty as sin?” Rolled Back Neck asked them.
“Us?”
“Aye, youse.”
“Nothing. We’re jist waiting fur a bunch ae sailors tae arrive back tae get their make-up touched up,” the biggest ae them quivered.
Tony started tossing up the white snooker baw that he hid in his haun. The baw wis gonnae be used tae tan in the windae. Johnboy wis thinking whit a pity it wis that they widnae be aboot the next night tae see the expression oan that fat-necked baw-face ae his when he haunded oot the box that the snooker baws wur kept in. They’d been trying tae come up wae something really good and solid that wid go through the windae pane in wan shot. They’d eventually decide
d tae steal the white snooker baw fae the box. The only problem they hid tae get o’er wis that, at the end ae each night, when they haunded in the box, whitever teacher wis oan duty, checked tae make sure that aw the baws wur sitting in it. Everywan coming in tae the recreation hall wis frisked oan entering the room, jist in case anywan hid any weapons oan them that they could use in a fight. Freckles hid come up wae the solution. He worked in the kitchen and wan ae his jobs wis tae go and get the tea and buns that everywan goat at the end ae the night before lock-up.
“Whit the fuck’s that supposed tae be?” Tony hid asked him.
“A mushroom.”
“A mushroom?” they’d aw chimed at wance, apart fae Silent, who’d jist stood there looking oan silently.
“Aye, insteid ae putting back the white baw, put this in its place,” Freckles hid said, straight-faced, as everywan aw laughed like fuck. Johnboy thought mushrooms wur the wee umbrella shaped red things wae white dots oan tap ae them that he remembered seeing in Bambi and Snow White.
“Aye, they ship them oot fae the gardens tae the Fruitmarket back in the toon. They don’t gie them tae the likes ae us,” Freckles said. “The head cook says they’d be wasted oan the likes ae us.”
“Whit dae they taste like?” Joe hid asked Freckles, turning the thing o’er in his haun.
“Shite. And Ah’d watch oot how ye haundle that, Joe. They’re easy tae break.”
Efter the bell hid gone aff at the end ae the recreation period, Minky hid volunteered tae take the box wae the white mushroom in the middle ae the reds and the colours and haun it o’er tae Rolled Back Neck, who’d actually tapped each baw wae a finger as he coonted them…aw the baws that is, except fur the white wan. Satisfied they wur aw there, he’d slotted the box oan tae the shelf in the cupboard before locking the door. Nowan hid noticed the white baw being rolled across the flair before disappearing under the front ae the stage at the end ae the final game ae the night.
The tension backstage eased when a troop ae sailors arrived and the Springboig boys sprang intae life, breaking the guilty looks between them and Rolled Back Neck. Efter staunin watching the make-up artists at work, he turned and slowly wandered aff doon the opposite side ae the stage fae where he’d appeared five minutes earlier. The Mankys quickly rearranged their exit plan. They’d spoken aboot whit they wid dae if anything interrupted their timing. They’d gied themsels a second song as backup, so it wis wan doon…wan tae go. Johnboy wanted tae tell Tony, Joe and Silent that Skull wis sitting somewhere oot in the audience, bit it wis clear by the look oan Tony’s face that he hid other things oan his mind.
“Right, this is it. Ye aw know whit tae dae. Don’t fuck it up,” Tony scowled, eyes shining like torches.
“Aye, and that includes you, Gucci,” Joe retorted, and they aw laughed wae nervous anticipation.
A few minutes later, aw the sailors wur back oan stage, singing ‘California, Here Ah Come.’ This also included Nelly Furrybush and Emile. That wis their cue tae get intae position. As soon as the song finished, Emile a la Fudd went straight intae ‘Getting Tae Know Ye.’ As the song wis coming tae an end, Silent wis staunin at the side ae the stage wae his erm in the air, fingers ootstretched, coonting them doon fae five. Jist as he goat tae his second last finger, Emile a la Fudd finished his song, leaned across and grabbed his co-star, Nelly Furrybush, clamping they lisping lips ae his oan tae hers and kissing her in a romantic clinch. As anticipated, the place erupted wae clapping, wan-liners and catcalls, as Silent’s last finger disappeared intae the palm ae his haun. Tony drew his erm back and hurled the snooker baw straight through the middle ae the bottom left windae pane. It wis perfect. As well as a few wee cracks, the middle ae the pane hid a beautifully curved hole the exact size and shape ae the snooker baw. Before they could admire it further, Joe nabbed a white sailor’s hat and used it tae smash oot the rest ae the glass fae the wee circle intae a full square hole. Silent wis first tae go. Fae where Johnboy wis staunin, he could feel the sudden blast ae cauld air, which disappeared again as Silent’s skinny torso wriggled through the gap. Johnboy hesitated. He looked aboot tae see if Skull wis hinging aboot back stage.
“Fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy, whit the fuck is wrang wae ye, eh? Get a bloody move oan,” Tony squealed at him, gieing him wan ae his famous deadly looks.
Johnboy practically dived through the gap, followed seconds later by Joe and Tony. Johnboy stood ootside in the howling wind, desperately searching the hole that hid been the windae pane, as wan ae the Springboig boys pushed across a table that hid a massive load ae costumes oan tap ae it and bunched wan ae Elmer Fudd’s stage ootfits up against the hole.
“Johnboy!” a voice shouted o’er the wind.
They wur oot and running doon the drive, heiding fur the main gate while the cheers and clapping wur still in full flow. Big Abdee fae Aberdeen, who Baby hid scudded fur laughing at him fur getting a good mark, hid been manning the curtains and hid agreed tae gie the uglies the signal wance he clocked the windae getting panned in. The Garngad crowd wur tae make sure the audience kept up their clapping fur as long as they could, while the thespians up oan stage wur basking in their glory and taking bows.
There wur cars parked aw the way up the drive. When The Mankys arrived at the main road, they stood panting, looking aboot.
“Paul? Paul?” Tony shouted.
Silence.
“Fuck, the basturt’s no here. Whit will we dae noo?” Joe shouted o’er the gale-force wind.
“Let’s jist heid straight fur Paisley,” Tony shouted, as they cantered efter him doon the road, putting as much distance as they could between themsels and the school.
It hid started tae snow. Every time they heard a car coming or saw a set ae heidlights, they jumped o’er a hedge or intae the trees until it passed them. They wur smack bang, oot in the middle ae no-man’s land wae no a hedge, tree or any other cover in sight, when a car shot roond the bend fae the direction they’d jist come fae. It wis heiding straight fur them. The way it accelerated oot ae the bend, gears crunching, full beam oan, speeding towards them, meant only wan thing. They wur fucked before they’d even goat near Paisley. It wis freezing cauld. They stood in the dark, looking at each other, panting.
“There’s nae way Ah’m letting the basturts take me back,” Johnboy shouted o’er the howling wind at Tony, as the car screeched and skidded sideways towards them, halting two feet in front ae them. “Ah need tae get back tae the toon tae find oot who the fuck gied the order tae dae Skull in.”
“Get in! Hurry up!” Paul McBride shouted, revving the engine tae within an inch ae its life.
Johnboy and Joe wur chattering away o’er each other excitedly in the back seat, enjoying the heat that wis blasting them fae the dashboard in the front. Johnboy wis tucked up in the middle ae the back seat between Joe and Silent.
“Fuck, whit happened tae ye? We thought ye wur fae the school.”
“Aye, Ah’m sorry. The car Ah came oot in broke doon. Ah think it ran oot ae petrol. When Ah reached the school, it took me ages tae get another car started. Ah goat intae this wan nae problem, bit Ah couldnae get the fucking thing tae start until Ah sussed oot that there wis a starter button oan the flair,” he said.
“Ah hope it belongs tae that bizzy that wis wearing aw that silverware oan his uniform, who wis sitting in the front row,” Joe said.
“Somehow Ah cannae see somewan wae that amount ae braid running aboot in a wee mini, kin you?” Johnboy said.
“Aye, this wis sitting up at the tap ae the drive. Ah jist let aff the haunbrake and it rolled doon the hill. Ah hid tae fuck aboot trying tae get it tae start when Ah goat tae the bottom.”
“How did ye know we’d been and gone then?”
“Ah heard youse shouting oan me, bit by the time Ah goat tae the bottom ae the drive, youse wur offskie. Ah knew which way youse wur heided though.”
“Aye, it’s a bit ae a tight squeeze back here,” Joe said.
“Is that a radio Ah kin see?” Johnboy
asked, leaning forward between the two front seats.
“Aye, dae ye want it oan?” Paul asked, as the sounds ae Tommy James and The Shondells’ ‘Mony, Mony’ came blasting oot ae it.
They wur jist aboot tae leave the lights ae Paisley behind them. Silent wis awready snoozing oan Johnboy’s right haun side when Joe pushed Johnboy tae make mair room fur himsel.
“Ah’m sitting oan something,” Joe said, producing a broon leather bag.
“Whit’s in it?” Tony asked fae the front, hauf-turning roond.
“Folders wae papers in them. It looks like files. There’s fuck aw else in it. Open yer windae, Tony.”
Johnboy jist managed tae clock the name, Patrick McSwiggan, oan the tap ae wan ae the files as Joe wis haunin it o’er tae Tony.
“Wait, that’s Patsy’s name oan that file. Let me see it,” Johnboy yelped, grabbing the bag oot ae Tony’s haun as the wind fae the open windae blasted everywan in the car. “Let’s hing oan tae this. Look, it says Miss F Flaw oan the side ae the bag. Ah bet that’s aw oor files in there.”
Johnboy sat wae the bag oan his knees, as they ran oot ae street lights and intae the darkness ae Paisley Road West, heiding towards the orange glow in the distance, wae everywan, except Silent, joining in wae Jimmy Cliff, howling aboot poor Mrs Broon getting a telegram fae Vietnam.
Chapter Twenty
Fanny glanced at the luminous dial beside her pillow. It wis two o’clock in the morning and the season ae goodwill wis upon everywan. She’d jist switched the radio oan doon low. She wisnae sure whit station or whit country in Europe the music wis coming fae other than it wis playing doon aw the UK chart pop songs fur nineteen sixty eight. Although she wis feeling utterly miserable, she found hersel humming alang tae ‘Whit A Wonderful World’ by Louis Armstrong and ‘Ah Say Ah Little Prayer’ by Aretha Franklin. Mr Brush hid telt her at the staff meeting earlier in the day that she widnae furget her birthday in a hurry. How right that statement hid turned oot tae be, she groaned. She’d thought she’d known the depths that the staff could go tae, bit tonight hid totally turned her life upside doon. Mr Bick, the deputy heidmaster, hid telt her tae take early leave and no tae come back until efter Christmas, although nae doubt, she wid need tae keep in contact wae the polis in Paisley meantime. He said that the school wid pass her contact details oan at his end. She’d wanted tae remind him that she wisnae employed by the school, bit the shock ae the evening’s events hid left her unable tae speak, so she’d jist nodded. She started tae sob, surprised that she hid any mair tears left tae shed. The concert itsel hid been a great success. She’d sensed that something wis up though, jist before the curtain hid eventually closed. She hidnae realised jist how long the clapping and cheering hid gone oan fur until she’d seen Mr Burns snarling at the big skinny boy fae Aberdeen tae shut the curtains. A few seconds later, Mr Bick hid appeared backstage, alang wae Mr Burns and Mr Campbell. Even when the lights hid been switched oan, she still hidnae been aware ae whit hid happened. Aw the staff hid started tae hustle boys back upstairs tae their dormitories efter the usual ‘Thank ye’ speeches. The VIP guests hid goat their teas and cake and wur then hurriedly, bit subtly, ushered oot ae the building intae the night, jist as a polis van and two squad cars arrived at the front ae the reception doors. The Chief Superintendent hid hung back, while a polisman took his wife hame. It wisnae until the heidmaster briefed everywan that Fanny found oot whit hid happened.