Running from Monday

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Running from Monday Page 24

by Lea Sims


  “Of course I do,” she said in a tortured whisper, eyes staring down at their hands. He had interlaced his fingers with hers, but he pulled one hand away to reach up to her chin and tilt her face upward so that she could not avoid his eyes. He slid his thumb over the fullness of her lower lip, eyes dropping to her mouth, and her breath caught in her throat. Before he could lean in to kiss her and she lost any ability whatsoever to fend him off for his own good, she steeled herself and said with more conviction than she felt, “But this is a really, really bad idea. You know it and I know it.”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth, beautiful.” He leaned back again, cocked his head to the side and gave her a mock warning finger. “I’m not saying there aren’t some challenges, and maybe it wouldn’t work out. But I can also tell you that I have not had feelings like this for anyone in a very long time—possibly ever. I can’t put into words what’s happened this week. But I feel God’s hand in it, and for that reason more than any other, I can’t just shrug it off.”

  “See?” She brought both hands up in an exasperated gesture as though she wanted to grab both sides of his head and shake some sense into him. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re looking for God’s hand. I’m still looking for God! Listen, I grew up in church. I know how important it is to a guy like you to be ‘equally yoked’ to the person you’re with. Can you honestly tell me that it doesn’t matter to you that I have serious doubts about God’s existence?”

  He smiled down into her flushed and animated face, inwardly surprised and pleased that she understood the concept of being spiritually yoked in a relationship, but he addressed her question head on. “You know quite well that God exists, Delaney Anderson.”

  She blinked in surprise at his blunt assessment. “I do?”

  “Yes, you do,” he said chuckling. “He’s shown you in a thousand ways just this week that he exists. Believing he’s out there is not your struggle.”

  “Oh?” Delaney asked, pulling a skeptical face. This should be interesting. “What’s my struggle, then?”

  His smile faded and his expression turned somber. “You believe he’s out there,” he said waving a hand to the heavens, then pointed to her heart. “But you won’t let him in here because you’re mad at him. You believe he abandoned you, that somehow he looked down from heaven, saw your abuse, and didn’t care what was happening to you.”

  He could feel the shudder of pain that his words had elicited. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. He’d gotten to the heart of the matter. She could protest and tell him it wasn’t true, but they would both know she was lying. He’d somehow unlocked that room in her mind where her most painful truth had been packed away—a truth more painful than her abuse.

  That she was unloved and unlovable.

  That thought sliced through her with razor accuracy, and the wound it opened suddenly erupted. She jumped up from the bench, pacing angrily in front of him. She turned back to Drew, eyes flashing. She was vaguely aware that she was in danger of sailing off the edge of the map, the emotions she had fought all day to suppress now careening wildly through her body. “You’re right! You’ve hit the nail on the head! Are you happy? I do believe that. And you know WHY I believe that?”

  He didn’t risk answering her. His words had struck a deep nerve, more than he realized they would, but he also knew that if they had elicited such a magnificent fury, he needed to let it rage.

  “I believe it because it’s true, Drew Hemming!” She pointed accusatorially at him. “I believed in him, followed him with my whole heart—as much as you can as a child, anyway—prayed to him until I was blue in the face, and where did it get me? He watched my uncle destroy my childhood, and he did nothing to stop it!”

  “Delaney—,” he tried to interject.

  “NO. Don’t try to tell me he was there for me in ‘mysterious ways’ or some other churchy words like that, Drew. Don’t tell me he was watching over me. That just tells me he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing—sitting up there on his throne watching it all happen and deciding I wasn’t one of his favorites. I don’t want any part of a God that didn’t want any part of me.”

  He visibly flinched at her words. “That’s not who he is, beautiful.”

  “Please stop calling me that,” she said, lowering her voice to a frustrated whisper.

  “What? Beautiful?” He stared back in confusion, then tried to console her with a tender smile. “I can’t help it. You take my breath away.”

  It was her turn to flinch. “You have no idea what you’re saying, Drew. Trust me. I’m not beautiful.”

  He jumped up, exasperated by the direction the conversation was taking, and pulled her into his arms. Some conversations needed to be had without words. She pushed against his chest in protest, but he leaned down and kissed her instead. He’d just wanted to shut her up and distract her, but the instant their lips touched, he forgot about anything else. He slid a hand into her hair, his thumb resting lightly against her cheek, and kissed her deeply. After a few seconds, he broke the kiss to brush his lips lightly across hers. All the fight went out of her. The hands that had been gripping his shirt to push him away suddenly went limp. Her knees buckled slightly, but he held her close, pressing his forehead to hers.

  Delaney had never contemplated the word “swoon” nor ever been in danger of succumbing to such a notion in her life, but it occurred to her that she had just been thoroughly educated. If this is what falling in love was supposed to feel like, there was no doubt in her mind that she’d never been in love.

  “Please tell me you feel that,” Drew whispered raggedly, eyes closed and forehead still pressed to hers.

  She nodded, then slid her hands up his chest and around his neck, pulling him to her and hugging him tightly. With her chin on his shoulder, she looked up in desperation through the mossy limbs at the starry summer sky. He buried his face in her hair and kissed her softly on the neck. Her eyelids slid closed and she savored his closeness. She never wanted to let him go.

  But that was exactly what she needed to do.

  With her lips pressed close to his ear, she whispered, “Yes, I do feel it. And if I didn’t care about you,” her voice faltered, thick with emotion, “I would throw caution to the wind and let this play out.” She pulled back to look him in the eyes. She put her hands on either side of his face, thumbs tracing his mustache and stubbled beard, drinking in the sight of him. “In the short time we’ve known each other, you’ve shown me who you are. You are the kindest man I’ve ever met. Truly, it overwhelms me. I’ve never met anyone like you.”

  He gave her a rueful, lopsided smile. “Somehow, I feel a but coming on.”

  “I meant what I said back there in the park. I’m all wrong for you. We would never be equally yoked.”

  “You can’t predict that.”

  “A monkey could predict that!” she exclaimed, rolling her eyes at him. “Let me ask you this. Before you met me, what were you waiting on? Why hadn’t you married?”

  Drew shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, shaking off her question. “I hadn’t met the right woman yet, that’s all.”

  “And how would you have defined the ‘right woman’?”

  He ran a hand through his tawny hair in frustration. He didn’t like her pinning him down with this question. “What? You want my list of qualifications?”

  “Yes, I do.” She hated doing this to him. She was pitting him against himself, but she knew he needed to shake loose the cobwebs of attraction that were currently clouding his thinking. They both did.

  “What do you want to hear?” His voice was strained. “That I was holding out for the right woman of God to come along? Someone passionate about their faith, committed to a life in church and looking to serve beside me in ministry? Is that what you’re trying to force out of me?”

  Each question landed with tiny lashi
ng barbs to her heart, nicking the newly tendered flesh that had once been hard as stone. She should be grateful for that at least. The events of this week, aided by this amazing man, had helped resurrect her long-dead emotions. She would treasure that gift no matter how long it took to heal. A hurting heart was better than a dead one. She could say that for certain now.

  “That’s exactly what I needed to hear.” Her gaze was sorrowful and penetrating. “And so did you.”

  But Drew wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. “Just because I had a picture in my head of the woman God would bring me, Delaney, doesn’t mean it was the right one. I’ve learned that God’s ways are not our ways. In fact, he usually doesn’t do things the way I expect him to.”

  “And you could honestly be happy with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs? Even I know that’s a terrible compromise. It would eventually destroy whatever this is. Besides, there are plenty of other reasons you need to walk away.” Her face hardened into an unreadable mask, and she turned to look for Rogue in the dimly lit garden.

  He sighed. “I’ll admit that the God issue is a major hurdle. And I’m not going to lie—I ultimately won’t compromise that. I was under the impression this week that you were opening your heart to the idea of God, and I trust God to reveal himself to any heart that’s truly seeking him. I guess I hoped you were willing to leave that door open…you know, give God some space to speak to you and answer your questions.”

  “Actually, I am willing to leave that door open. I’m just not convinced God’s going to walk through it.” She shrugged. That was as much of an admission as she was willing to make.

  Drew’s eyebrow flew up in surprise, but he didn’t want her to know how much hope she’d just handed him. Keeping his voice even, he said, “So, what are your other reasons? You said there were plenty of them. Lay ‘em on me.”

  She frowned. He wasn’t taking this seriously enough. The teasing way he was looking at her, the frank admiration in his honey eyes saying without words everything a woman wanted to hear, were wreaking havoc on her insides. She was going to have to give him a hard shove before she lost her nerve.

  “I would think one of those reasons would be obvious. You live here. I live in New York.” And when he opened his mouth with a rebuttal, she cut him off. “Long-distance relationships only work in movies and sappy TV dramas. Not in real life.”

  He shrugged, seemingly undaunted by the challenge. “For the right relationship, distance can be overcome. Residences are temporary. Jobs can be transferred. Besides, Delaney,” he said with an exasperated grin. “I’m just asking to see you again, not pick out china patterns.”

  She could see she wasn’t going to get anywhere with him on the issue of logistics. She took a deep breath and decided it was time to put all the cards on the table. She suddenly wished for her stone heart and dormant emotions. She was about to destroy his entire impression of her. She’d have to watch the light of admiration fade from his eyes. It would kill her to see it, but it was for his own good.

  “I’m a divorced woman, Drew. The ink is barely dry on the papers.” The warmth had left her voice.

  His smile faded as she hit him with the subject they had avoided discussing all week. But she didn’t relent. “So I’m curious, Drew. Was “divorced” on the list of godly qualities you had in mind for the woman you’ve been waiting thirty-seven years for?

  “Please don’t do this,” he said quietly. “I knew you were divorced. I know we haven’t talked about it all week, but I knew.”

  “And?”

  “And…it’s not the end of the world. I’d want to talk about all that, obviously, but it’s not a deal breaker for me.” She could see that he meant it, but he had also stopped smiling.

  “What about adulterer? Was that on your list?”

  Bullseye. His eyes widened and his jaw went slack. He just stared at her unblinking, too shocked to speak. He swallowed convulsively and tried to recover enough to say something, but she held up her hand to stop him. Despite how hard she was working to play this off imperviously, she couldn’t hold back her tears. They flowed down her flushed cheeks, and she just let them come.

  “I told you the other day that you don’t know who I am or what I’ve done. My colossal mistake of a marriage came to a flaming end because I cheated on my husband. I hooked up with a guy in my office—a guy I don’t love or even care about or will ever be with again.”

  She was on a roll. In for a penny, in for a pound. He just stared.

  “I’m not who you think I am, Drew.” She exhaled raggedly and stumbled painfully on. “Do you know what I was doing a week ago…last Friday night?”

  He shook his head hesitantly, not really wanting her to continue.

  “I was flirting with a stranger in a bar—a stranger I would later take home with me for sex.”

  That’s when she saw it—the flicker of revulsion that tightened his jaw and drove all tender warmth from his eyes. Her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. She’d done what she had set out to do, but she knew the look on his face was going to haunt her for many days to come. And her heart ached at the painful truth she’d just confessed. She wished it was exaggerated or embellished to make her point, but it wasn’t. She was everything she had just told him she was.

  “I’m damaged goods, Drew.”

  The raw pain and defeat in her voice seemed to shake him out of his silence. Even though he was reeling from all she’d just told him, he was still not immune to the sight of her, blue eyes ablaze and tears streaming down her face, standing boldly in front of him while her ugly truth poured courageously out of her. All because she wanted to spare him from a relationship with her.

  “Don’t say that. You’re not damaged.”

  With her hands clenched in fists at her sides, her body trembling, she blurted out her deepest pain. “Yes, I am…I’ve been damaged goods my entire life—ever since the day that bastard got tired of molesting me and decided he wanted more. The day he came into my room when my aunt wasn’t home, forced me face-down in my own bed, and raped me. He took my innocence…my goodness. He took what he had no right to take, what I can never get back again.” Her voice was now strained and hoarse, and she was physically shaking from nearly twenty years of pent-up rage. Every word hit Drew like a thousand daggers.

  “And when he was done, he looked down at me like a piece of trash and told me I was damaged goods—that I needed to get used to it because that’s all I would ever be. And he was right! I’ve used men the way he used me. I was damaged then and I’m damaged now! I know it and now you know it.” Then her face crumpled in pain. Choking back a sob, she whispered, “Even God knows it.”

  She reached down, grabbed the leash and marched over to the fountain where Rogue was staring down at the koi fish swimming tauntingly below the surface. Delaney clipped the leash to her collar and tugged on her. Drew jumped up to block her from leaving, but she pushed hard against him.

  “Please, just let me go,” she said, eyes fixed dully on the center of his chest. “I am more grateful than you will ever know, Drew, for all you’ve done for me this week. I could never repay your generosity and kindness. But this conversation is over.” And with that, she brushed past him and out the gate.

  She left Drew standing there in the Pour les amoureux—the garden for lovers—staring at her departing back, his heart laid bare.

  “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we

  are capable of change.”

  —Brené Brown

  “Gone? What do you mean gone?”

  Claire looked up at Drew in alarm, hands gripping his upper arms. After sitting numb and dumbstruck in the courtyard garden for nearly an hour, he’d walked wearily back to the church, bypassing the park because he didn’t want to talk to anyone. There were so many conflicting thoughts and feelings rolling around in his head that he really needed to go home, pray, a
nd process what had happened. But when he turned the corner into the church parking lot, he found Claire standing at the back of her car, loading her chair and cooler into her trunk. She looked up at him in surprise with a big smile on her face. She was about to tease him about being gone for over an hour, but the joke died on her tongue the instant she saw the haggard look on his face. He stopped in front of her, not looking her in the eye, and whispered, “She’s gone.”

  “I don’t understand,” she continued, craning her head down to force his gaze up from the ground. “What happened?”

  He sighed heavily, stepped back from her, and ran a hand through his hair, face set in a grim line. “Let’s just say she schooled me quite thoroughly on all the reasons I need to stay away from her. And told me she needed to go back to New York. Given how upset she was when she left, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s packing and leaving as we speak.”

  Claire’s brows drew together in concern and confusion. She slammed the trunk shut and turned back to him. “Right now? Tonight? This doesn’t make any sense, Drew. I overheard her telling you she thought she was all wrong for you, but how did this escalate into her getting so upset that she’s ready to head out of town?”

  Drew hesitated. Part of him wanted to tell Claire the whole ugly truth, but a bigger part of him wanted to protect Delaney from having Claire think less of her, so he was intentionally vague in his reply. “I think she’s struggling with her past more than we realized. This week has been really hard on her, obviously. She reminded me that she just went through a divorce, that she is not a Christian, and that she’s made some choices she’s not proud of. She made it pretty clear that we are very different people.”

  Claire heard something in the hard edge of his voice. He wasn’t telling her everything. “Well, she’s right. You are very different. But those circumstances can change, can’t they?”

 

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