by Megan Green
In the days since I left Maple Lake, my life has been on autopilot. Wake up, hit the gym, go to practice, meet with Ray, go to bed, and then get up and do it all over again. Every waking moment of my day is planned out for me, even down to each meal. Brandon and Ray have made it a point to make sure I’m never alone, except during those late hours when I’m supposed to be asleep.
But sleep is for those who aren’t dying on the inside. It’s for people who have their shit together and who haven’t had their heart ripped out of their chest, stomped on, run over by a dump truck, and then set on fire. That is exactly how I feel right now.
Remember when I said I didn’t understand how people could forget about food? Yeah, I totally get that now. I eat when I have to, whenever the person who’s currently assigned to be my babysitter says it’s time for food. But, no matter what I put in my mouth, it all tastes the same.
Like loneliness and heartache.
Like resentment and bitterness.
Like nothing whatsoever.
I take another bite of the burger in front of me. It’s a fantastic-looking thing. A week ago, I would have been salivating at the idea of being able to sink my teeth into the juicy meat, fresh bun, and crisp veggies.
But, now, it’s just something I need to survive.
I wonder how much longer B is going to keep me out tonight. Even though I hate being alone with my thoughts—because, inevitably, they lead right back to her—it’s still preferable to the alternative. Having to sit out in public, pretending like I’m not wishing I were back in Maple Lake every second of every day, is fucking awful. Having to smile for the cameras, telling people the whole thing was a big misunderstanding, explaining that Lexi and I aren’t together anymore, is quite possibly the worst form of torture known to man.
Because just saying her name is enough to bring me to my knees.
Ray wasn’t happy when I refused to tell people I didn’t know about Lexi’s past. He wanted me to tell the press she’d lied to me, that I’d been just as shocked as they all were. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Because, despite everything that happened between us, I still love her. I will always love her. And, even though she shattered my heart into billions of tiny little pieces, I’m not willing to hurt her.
So, instead, we went with the alternative. I didn’t tell them I didn’t know, and I didn’t call her a liar. But I did tell them things were over between us. I didn’t tell them why or give any details on how it’d ended. I let them make their own assumptions. And, judging from the headlines, they fell right into the trap Ray had wanted them to. Everyone played me out to be the innocent victim, the man who had fallen for a snake.
And, when word got out about my anonymous donation to Lily’s medical care, everyone started treating me like a goddamn saint.
I’ll never forgive Ray for that one. He denies it wholly, but I know the truth. Releasing that information redeemed me in everybody’s eyes. Fuck, even the asshole who’d written all those shitty things about me and the article about Lexi wasn’t able to find anything negative about me donating money to a little girl.
I’m back on top, America’s golden boy again.
But I feel like I’m six feet under.
I start picking at the bun on my burger when Brandon’s voice finally gets through to me.
“So, that’s when the alien said to me, ‘Look, buddy, I don’t care who you are. Lie down, and take it like a man.’”
My head snaps up, and my brows furrow as I look at my friend. “What the fuck did you just say?”
Brandon looks around himself, placing his hand over his chest as he feigns shock. “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you talking to me? You’ve been ignoring me for so long, I figured I’d start entertaining myself.”
“Asshole,” I mutter under my breath.
“How much longer are you going to sit around and sulk, man?” he asks, his irritation evident. “I mean, I get that she gutted you like a fucking flounder. But, sooner or later, you’ve gotta move on.”
I narrow my eyes as I look at him. “It’s not that fucking easy, okay? It’s not like I lost my favorite toy, and I’m pouting like a fucking five-year-old. She was it for me; don’t you get that? And, now, she’s gone. How the fuck am I supposed to move on?”
Brandon’s eyes soften a little, and that almost pisses me off more. Because, if there’s one thing I hate seeing on him more than anger, it’s pity.
“Don’t you fucking give me that look,” I bite out. “Just eat your food, and let’s get the hell out of here.”
But B doesn’t let it go. Of course he doesn’t. Because he wouldn’t be Brandon if he knew how to drop shit when he should.
“I know you loved her, man. You think I’ve known you all these years and don’t understand you? You think I didn’t see how different you were with her during the short time I was there? I know she was different. And I know you’re not going to be able to forget about her. But you can’t keep going like this. You’ve got to start living again. Because you’re fucking bumming me out.”
I chuckle, grateful that, even after his little heartfelt speech, he’s still Brandon to the core. “I’m sorry I’m inconveniencing you.”
He grins. “You should be. I’m a fucking joy to be around. But, lately, you make me feel like that might not be true. You’re so mopey all the time. It’s hazardous to my ego.”
“And we wouldn’t want that. Lord knows, your ego can’t possibly survive another hit,” I say with a sideways grin.
“True dat,” he says with a nod. But then some of the joviality dims from his eyes, and his stare levels on me once more. “But, in all seriousness, dude, I think you might need to get some help. You’re not yourself. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine. It’s just going to take a while, you know? It all ended so suddenly. One minute, we were lying in bed together, tangled up in sleep. And the next, all hell broke loose, and she was telling me she didn’t love me. It happened so fast. With no warning.”
“And you need closure,” B observes.
The thought hadn’t occurred to me until the word left Brandon’s mouth, but yeah, that’s exactly what I need.
I went to Ella’s with every intention of bringing Lexi back with me. The thought that she might not return had never even crossed my mind. And, when she said those words to me, the ones that ripped through my flesh and cut me right down to the bone, I wasn’t able to respond. I wasn’t able to form a single word, my brain instructing me to get the hell out of there as fast as I could. In the battle of fight versus flight, I chose flight. And that wasn’t like me at all.
But, still, she’d made her decision. She’d told me how she felt. I can’t change that. But I need to have the same opportunity. We might not be together, but I still deserve one last chance to lay it all out there. Tell her how I really feel, without holding anything back this time. Maybe then and only then will I finally be able to move on. Maybe, if I tell her exactly how much she’s come to mean to me, how much she’s changed me, even in our short time together, then I’ll be able to accept the fact that, even though we’ll never be a couple, I’ll have still said my piece. What I need is to put our relationship to rest, once and for all.
“Brandon, you’re a genius,” I say, pushing back from the table and turning to walk out of the restaurant.
He shouts after me, but I don’t stop. Now that the idea is in my head, I can’t rest until it’s done.
I stopped at an office supply store on the way home, grabbing three different notebooks, a package of fancy stationery, and a pen that cost more than any pen should have the right to. Don’t ask me why. I just feel like something like this deserves special attention. I know Lexi won’t see me. And, to be honest, I like the idea of being able to write it all down, making sure every word is perfect. E-mail seems too impersonal, not for what I need to say to Lexi. So, fancy paper and pen, it is.
I sit down at the desk, grabbing one of the notebooks first. I figure I’ll write it all o
ut in this, so I can scribble and scratch out whatever I don’t like. Once I decide it’s ready, I’ll rewrite it all on the stationery. And then I’ll mail it out.
Might as well spritz some fancy perfume on it while you’re at it, too, you pussy.
I shove down the thought. It is a little…chick flicky. I mean, if this were a movie, I’d be rolling my eyes so hard right now. But, hey, maybe those movies aren’t so bad. Because just sitting here with the pen in my hand has already caused a rush of peace to fall over me. Those romance dudes are smart.
I stare at the blank sheet of paper, not having the faintest idea of where to start. I toss around a few phrases.
Dearest Lexi…
My dear Lexi…
Dear woman who broke my heart…
I cross them all out and just write her name. Then, instead of debating every word and trying to sound like an eloquent fuck, I let it all out. I don’t worry about what it sounds like. I decide that can all be fixed later. Right now, I need to purge.
Lexi,
It’s been three weeks since you broke my heart.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Because that’s exactly what it was. You took my heart, and you pulverized it with a few simple words.
Yet, I’m not sorry.
I can’t even bring myself to hate you.
Believe me, I’ve tried. During those first few sleepless nights, I did everything I could to try to make myself curse your name. I tried to tell myself I wanted you to hurt as much as you’d hurt me. But, no matter how much I wished I could will the feelings into being, it didn’t happen.
The truth is, I love you, Lexi. I’ve loved you since that first moment I saw you. And I’ll continue to love you until the day I take my final breath.
I want you to know I meant every word that I said during our time together. I would’ve given it all up if you’d asked. I would’ve put it all behind me and moved on with you. Because nothing in this world means more to me than you.
That morning when it all came out, I was prepared to fight for you. I was prepared to fight the press, to go to battle to defend your honor. To prove to the world that you were not the monster they were trying to make you out to be. I wasn’t willing to give you up. Not for anything.
Until you told me you didn’t love me.
You had come into my life and spun my entire world on its axis. And then, with a few words, you knocked it completely off course. You took that decision away from me. You took away everything.
I’d like to ask if you ever really loved me or if you were full of it the whole time.
But I’ve decided it doesn’t really matter.
Because, even if you played me for a fool, what I felt for you was real. You changed me, Lex. All my life, I wanted nothing more than to play baseball. I fucked around, had a good time, and didn’t give a second thought to the repercussions as long as I could continue to play. And then, in a few short weeks, you showed me how much more there could be in life. You showed me that there was more to life than my career and fame. More to life than fortune and fancy cars.
So, for that, I’ll forever be grateful.
But, Lexi, it’s time for me to let you go. Since I’ve been back, I’ve been hanging on, holding out hope that something will bring you back to me. But I realize now that won’t happen. It’s only been three weeks, but I can’t keep living this way. It’s not fair to my team. It’s not fair to my friends.
And it’s not fair to me.
I will always love you, Lexi. But love can’t be one-sided. No matter how much I wish I could, I can’t love enough for the both of us. I would have given you all of me. Hell, I did give it to you. But it takes two to tango, as they say.
So, this is me, taking the first step toward letting you go. I needed to get it all out, tell you how I felt, and also to tell you good-bye. I don’t know that I’ll ever love another woman the way I love you. But I have to try. Because, now that I’ve had a taste of what life can be, how amazing things can be when you’ve found the right person, I can’t live without it.
I’ve found the person I want to spend my life with.
She just doesn’t feel the same.
I hope you find someone who makes you happy one day. I hope you find the person who makes you feel the same things you make me feel. I hope he makes you smile that gorgeous smile, and I hope he makes you laugh until your side aches. I hope he understands how amazing you are and appreciates the beautiful woman you are, both inside and out.
I love you, Lexi.
I hope you can be happy.
And I hope I can learn to be happy without you.
Ian
When I’m done, I read it over. It’s messy, there are scribbles everywhere, and my handwriting is next to impossible to read. But, instead of rewriting it, using that fancy-ass paper and that expensive-ass pen, I tear out the sheet of notebook paper, carefully fold it, stuff it into an envelope, and print out her address.
The next morning, I drop it in the mailbox.
Chapter 28
Lexi
I read the letter three times, beginning to end, when it first arrived. And, in the four days since, I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve studied Ian’s words, examining each and every curved letter, every scribble, every imperfection. I have every single word memorized, down to the stroke of his pen.
Each time, different things stick out to me. The first time, it was his sadness. The fact that I’d hurt him so deeply. The second time, it was his accusations and how willing he was to accept what I’d said as truth. And the third…the third was the hardest time of all. When I realized he’d meant it when he said he was writing to let me go.
Ian is moving on with his life.
Without me.
I’ve kept all the curtains closed since I returned home from Ella’s, not able to even look at his house sitting there, empty. I’ve locked myself in my house, not answering the door when Margie comes knocking or when Charlie and Liv show up with dinner. I’ve completely closed myself off to the outside world.
And, in the days since receiving that letter, I’ve fallen off the deep end.
I know it. Ella knows it. Hell, I’m sure everyone in town knows it by now.
And, even though I hate knowing that I’m right back where I started after I woke in that hospital bed, I can’t do anything to stop it.
I’m spiraling down that bottomless, dark hole—the one I clawed my way out of only weeks before. Only this time, I’m not sure I’ll ever resurface.
I flip through the channels on the TV Ian helped me set up a few days before the end, not really paying attention to what I’m seeing. I don’t even know why it’s on, the sound muted because even that is too much for my pounding headache.
Speaking of which…
A literal pounding rings through my head, causing me to cringe. I press my fingertips to my temples, rubbing in small circles to try to ease some of the pain when it comes again.
Realizing the sound isn’t in my head but at my door, I groan and roll over on the couch, pulling my blanket up higher on my shoulders and smashing a throw pillow onto my head to muffle the noise.
When will these people realize I don’t want to talk?
Before I can begin to curse my neighbors’ existence, my sister’s voice comes through the door. “Open the damn door, Lexi. I know you’re in there. Don’t make me trudge through the snow to that damn garage and get a chain saw. You know I will.”
And she’s right. I know, if I don’t get my ass off the couch and let her in, she will get in through other means. Even if it means hacking away my door.
I grab my cell phone, seeing that I have six missed calls from Ella and five voice mails. I switched it to silent and turned the vibrate off as well when I woke with this raging headache. I can only imagine what those voice mails say.
I moan as I climb from the couch and shuffle across the room. Ella’s fist is raised, getting ready to pound on my door again, when it swings open.
She drops her hand, her mouth following suit, and stares at me. “You look like hell.”
I give her a halfhearted laugh. I can only imagine what she sees. I haven’t showered in…fuck, I can’t even remember. Let’s just say, it’s been a while. And I’m certain my hair is a disaster. If the look in her eyes is any indication as she sneers at my head, I’d say it looks like a family of squirrels has taken up residence in my tresses.
“Thanks, sis. You sure know how to make a girl feel better,” I say, dropping my hand from the door and turning to return to my post on the couch.
She steps in behind me, closing the door I left open, and takes in the catastrophe that is my living room. “My God, Lexi. What happened?”
I look at the smashed lamp, the empty paint cans I kicked across the room, and the rest of the debris I threw around the other night. The night I got Ian’s letter.
“Um, I was robbed?” I try, knowing full well she won’t believe me.
“What did you do, Lexi? All your hard work.” She trails her hand down a hole in the wall.
It got in the way of the wrench I threw. The wrench won.
“Are you drinking again?” Ella asks, her eyes shooting up to mine as panic fills them.
I shake my head. “No, Ella. I promise you, I haven’t started drinking again. It’s been hard as hell, but I’ve managed to stay on the wagon.”
And it’s the truth. Despite how much I’ve wanted a drink, I haven’t touched a single drop of alcohol. Whether it’s sheer willpower or only because I don’t have any in the house and can’t bring myself to leave, I’m not sure. I’d like to think the former, but it’s most likely the latter. Still, I’m grateful. This sucks enough without having to deal with the disappointment of my sister.
She shoves my legs off the couch and sits down next to me. I sit up, propping my feet up on the coffee table and dropping my head back against the sofa.
“So, what’s the plan, Lex? You gonna waste away in here? Hole up like Miss Havisham and pine away your days?”