99 Ways to Die

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99 Ways to Die Page 25

by Ed Lin

“No way. I’ll take care of him.”

  What a presumptuous asshole! It seemed to reassure her, though.

  “Who is the forty-nine?” she asked hopefully. “Me or you?”

  “Ah, that would have to be you. I need to have the majority. That’s how I do business. When I negotiate—on both of our behalves—I can’t be hampered by waiting for someone else’s approval before I execute.”

  “Okay,” she said. Mustering some pride, she added, “I do have some provisions, though.”

  “Yes, let’s talk about it. Come out with your hands up and we can talk about anything. Leave the gun on the floor.”

  Ju-lan emerged, her hands held high. The sleeves seemed a little short.

  “Hey,” she said. “No tricks!”

  They turned out to be her last words.

  Two shots zipped through the air and her head nodded hard twice. Her body folded into a widening pool of blood. Both my captors were now dead. Three soldiers armed with rifles charged in. They used their mounted flashlights to comb the nearby area. Two of them charged into the room.

  Oh, shit! They didn’t know I was here by the hatchback! What if they shot me by accident?

  “Hey!” I cried out. My voice was ragged and unrecognizable to me. “It’s Jing-nan! I’m here!”

  “Jing-nan! Is that you?” Tong-tong snarled.

  “Yes!”

  “How do we know it’s you?”

  “It’s me, I swear!”

  The three men with rifles were reassembled near Ju-lan’s body, looking attentive. “There’s one down inside the room,” a soldier said.

  “Come out with your hands up, Jing-nan!”

  “No way! I saw how that worked out for Ju-lan! Come down here yourself and see who I am!”

  “It’s him!” That was Nancy’s voice. It wasn’t as loud as Tong-tong’s because she was yelling without a bullhorn. “It’s Jing-nan!”

  “It sure as hell doesn’t sound like him,” Tong-tong barked unnecessarily through the bullhorn. “Why would I go down there so he could get a good shot at me? I was dumb enough to get kidnapped. I’m not gonna have another lapse in judgment!” Then to me he growled, “Listen, if you’re really Jing-nan, tell me something about my daughter that only Jing-nan would know.”

  I thought for a bit. “She brought a jade pendant of a bird into school, and gave it to a boy,” I said. “The boy found out that it was a priceless antique and gave it back to her.”

  “Stand down!” yelled Tong-tong. The three soldiers shouldered their rifles. “Jing-nan! Come over here!”

  I stood up and staggered forward. I saw Nancy running toward me and the chain sloshed in my hands as I rushed forward to meet her.

  It was all Army personnel who had come to rescue me. The two men Ju-lan had run out of the parking lot went and called Tong-tong’s company rather than the police. That kindly old bastard had set up a hotline for me with a sizable reward.

  My reunion with Nancy was brief. They had separated us to treat my wounds.

  A soldier handed me a canteen of water and I drank the entire thing.

  “You look like shit,” he told me.

  “Oh, I’m really all right,” I said as I tapped my bandaged abdomen. Squeezing through the movable wall had left me looking like I’d been teethed by a Tyranosaur.

  The soldier handed me a small mirror. “Look at your face,” he said.

  I tilted it at my eyes and saw a great purple continent was geographically centered on my right cheek. Some blood had pooled around the eye.

  “Gan!” I exclaimed.

  They laid me down in a truck while a medic checked my vitals. “What about my face?” I asked the canvas roof.

  Tong-tong approached and stared down at me. “It’s a badge of honor,” he said. “Why cover it up?”

  “Who are these people?” I asked.

  “These guys are all off-duty. They’re volunteering their time.”

  I wondered how they could be off-duty considering they were in uniform, driving Republic of China vehicles and certainly using military-issued rifles. An armband around my left bicep inflated and I felt my pulse racing.

  “Tong-tong,” I said. “You didn’t have to kill her.”

  He turned his head so he could narrow his eyes and give me an evil sideways look. “What are you talking about, Jing-nan? She was holding you hostage with a gun to your head.”

  “She wasn’t!”

  Tong-tong nodded and tapped the roof of the car in frustration. He looked around and spotted something out of my view. “Bring that here! Yes, right here.” He reached out and when he turned back to me he was holding a pair of bolt cutters. He climbed in and at first I thought he was going for my throat. “Hold up your arm.” I did as I was told and he clipped the chain one link under my cuff.

  “Thank you, Tong-tong,” I said. The beak end of the bolt cutter wavered by my left ear.

  “You know, Jing-nan, the cops are on their way over. We should have our stories straight. If you were to say that your life wasn’t in danger and that Ju-lan was shot in cold blood, well, you’d be setting up some of our young soldiers for murder charges when they had laid their lives on the line to rescue you.”

  I slumped in resignation. “What do you want me to say?”

  He pulled away the bolt cutters and noisily ran his tongue over his teeth. “You know what? How about you and Nancy just get out of here and leave it to me. Don’t talk to anybody. Seriously. Got it?”

  I nodded. I sat up and tore off the band around my arm but found an IV stuck near the crook of my elbow.

  “Can you get the medic over here to finish this up?” I asked.

  “I got this,” said Tong-tong as he reached in and yanked it out. “You’re good. Now go.”

  They had been holding Nancy in another vehicle. When I stepped out of the back of the truck, someone brought me to her. I held her tight and felt the world spin.

  “You didn’t tell me about the bruise on my face,” I grunted in her ear.

  “I didn’t even notice it,” she said.

  Nancy and I took a cab to her place because her couch was bigger and way better than mine.

  A home should always have at least two servings of beef stew in the freezer. It is one of the few kinds of foods that improve in the storage and reheating process. Water molecules expand when they turn into ice, breaking down the beef and the vegetables. The meat softens and more of the essence of the onions, garlic and potatoes is released into the liquid as the stew is reheated.

  I lay flat on the couch with my head in Nancy’s lap as I gave her the full version of what happened to me. Our stews were spinning in tandem in the microwave on a low setting. We both ignored exasperated texts from Peggy asking where we were. I took for granted that when Tong-tong said not to contact anyone, he included his daughter, my old classmate.

  “Jing-nan,” Nancy said, “when you disappeared, I thought you were getting something for us and you were stuck in line somewhere.”

  “Something?” I asked. “You mean bringing back breakfast?”

  “Maybe, or another surprise.”

  This was confusing. “Did you want a surprise?” I asked tentatively.

  “Well, honestly, anything would have surprised me because I didn’t think you’d remember.”

  Ma de!

  “Your birthday,” I said. I added sheepishly, “I’d forgotten.”

  She gave a little fake laugh. “It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t mean anything to me, really.”

  I sat up and held her hands. “It is a big deal. I should have remembered. Thanks to my kidnapping, I will never forget again.” The microwave let out a plaintive beep to punctuate my vow.

  Nancy got up and retrieved our dinner. I regarded the steaming bowls placed side-by-side on the cork tiles of the coffee table. “Th
is is how old married couples eat dinner,” I said.

  “You mean when they don’t have anything to say to each other, so they watch TV while they eat?” Nancy asked.

  “We usually only watch TV when we eat, though.”

  Nancy cracked up and slapped my right thigh hard. “Jing-nan, you did surprise me on my birthday! I was eating and yes, watching TV, when I saw your hostage video!”

  Her amusement irked me. “Weren’t you freaked out? Weren’t you worried about me?”

  She touched my shoulder. “I was! I told Frankie and Dwayne right away. They were out looking for you so hard, you know, Jing-nan?”

  “I could tell by their texts. I wish I could write them back and let them know I am safe.”

  Nancy shrugged, picked up her bowl and blew on it lightly. “I already did.”

  “Shit, Nancy!”

  “He didn’t say I couldn’t contact anyone. And you want them to operate Unknown Pleasures tonight instead of still searching for you, right?”

  “I guess so.” I picked up my bowl and stirred the stew. The onions practically disintegrated at the touch. It was beautiful.

  I hadn’t even been gone for twenty-four hours but my ordeal stretched for days in my mind. Now that I was truly out of danger, I was hungry but I also felt uneasy. I wanted to be at work. I wanted to create great food. And there weren’t any fresh ingredients today because I was kidnapped before I could hit the market. Dammit!

  “Jing-nan,” said Nancy. “Your legs are jumping. You’re going to make me spill the stew.”

  “How is it?”

  “It’s great.”

  “Can you give me more detailed feedback?”

  She raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ll tell you one thing. Charring the beef was a great call. It provides a canvas for the flavors to drip on.”

  “I love that. I’m going to put that in the next review I write about Unknown Pleasures.”

  “You said you’ve stopped posting fake reviews?”

  I ate half a spoon of stew. Nancy was absolutely right. The only problem was we were eating with metal spoons, which added a grey note to the taste. Plastic spoons would, oddly enough, be better. After I swallowed, I raised a finger to make a point.

  “The names are fake, but the reviews aren’t.” I touched her arm. “And I did stop. I’m just kidding.”

  Peggy sent a text to both our phones that was marked with some finality. Never mind. Tong-tong just filled me in. He’s going to be on Wolf TV soon.

  “We should probably watch,” I said. Nancy snapped on the television and had to use the guide to find the channel.

  Little Brother was on, a show for people to call in and bitch about stuff. A caller was going off about how young people didn’t respect their elders, not even on Double-9 anymore. A middle-aged anchor nodded with measured concern. A pop-up in the top right corner warned viewers that the show was going to a live police press conference imminently.

  Someone off-screen cued the anchor and the caller was cut off mid-sentence.

  “And now let’s go to that press conference,” the anchor said.

  The riser behind the podium of the Taipei Police Department was crowded with people. The police spokesman was at the microphones, but he kept glancing at Tong-tong, who remained standing near the back, stone-faced.

  “We have rescued the hostage Chen Jing-nan from the heavily armed kidnapper Liu Ju-lan,” the spokesman declared. “The police department received a tip from an anonymous person that Ju-lan was hiding in a certain underground garage. When we responded to the call, we happened to run into a group of off-duty army officers, who provided back up. We also anticipated difficulty so we dispatched two specially armed officers to the scene.

  “When we arrived, we found that Ju-lan was holding a gun to Jing-nan’s head. She refused to lay down her weapon. We had no choice but to shoot and kill her.”

  Reporters in the room gasped. It was much more common for suspects to kill themselves, or at least have the police say the suspects killed themselves.

  The spokesman put on a grim smile. “We deeply regret that there was a loss of life. On the other hand, Chen Jing-nan is now safe and we released him after a full evaluation of his health.”

  “Where was the garage?” asked Wolf TV’s correspondent.

  “In Taipei. That’s all I can say.”

  “Was Ju-lan acting alone?” asked another reporter.

  “As far as we can tell.”

  Another question came forth. “How come they didn’t put Jing-nan in a dog cage?”

  “Well, all kidnappers have their own style.”

  “Why is Tong-tong here, standing in the back? Did he poop his pants?”

  No one dared to laugh. The spokesman cautiously looked back to Tong-tong who refused to give the slightest reaction to the heckler. The spokesman rubbed his nose before responding. “Tong-tong is here to offer support for Jing-nan, who is a classmate of his own daughter.” Tong-tong grunted and stepped down to the front. He waved away the spokesman with both hands and approached the microphones himself.

  “Chen Jing-nan is a very brave young man,” declared Tong-tong. “I wish my daughter could find a man like him.”

  Nancy and I shared a look and shook our heads.

  Tong-tong continued. “I’m personally grateful to him for his support in the days when I was rescued from kidnappers. I’m glad to return the favor.

  “Taiwan has gone through a shock, marring our Double Ninth Festival. I am offering free bottles of chrysanthemum wine for every family. Please pick one up at any of my hotel properties.”

  “Is it true, Tong-tong, that you’re donating a billion NT to Taida University to create scholarships for study in China?” asked a young man with a Japanese network. He was one of the few at the press conference who didn’t wear glasses.

  Tong-tong laughed but couldn’t prevent his face from turning into an open-mouthed door-guardian frown. He was clearly wondering who the reporter’s source was. “It’s something I’ve been evaluating,” Tong-tong said slowly. “I’ve had some talks, but no commitment, of course.”

  An anxious middle-aged man pointed at Tong-tong with a pen.

  “Didn’t Jing-nan also hold a rally to counter your racist remarks? And didn’t one of your sons attack you at that rally?”

  Tong-tong nodded slowly. “Jing-nan did hold a counter-rally, didn’t he? Well, good for him and good for the country, too. We have a democracy. Everybody should be allowed to say what they think.” He bowed his head slightly as he straightened his back. “Even if you only have stupid things to say.” Tong-tong yielded the mic back to the police spokesman.

  A reporter called out from offscreen, “Have you found the people who kidnapped Tong-tong yet?”

  A pained look came over the spokesman’s face. Was he uncomfortable that he knew the truth or uncomfortable that he didn’t? “We have not yet apprehended the suspects,” he managed to say. “It’s still an open case.” The spokesman looked to Tong-tong, who mouthed something. “I should add that regarding Tong-tong’s kidnappers, we don’t know for certain anything about their backgrounds, so nobody should view foreigners in particular as potential culprits. Thank you.”

  As the spokesman essentially ran away, I saw Tong-tong step to the left, where he was met by his son Er-ming, who had voiced opposition to his father’s anti-immigrant stance as “Erwin Lee.” Tong-tong patted Er-ming’s shoulder.

  The spokesman had provided a lame walkback, a small repudiation of Tong-tong’s earlier remarks. It was a coup for Tong-tong, though. He saved face because he didn’t have to say it himself and yet the words were enough to satisfy Er-ming.

  I scraped my spoon along the bottom of the bowl and slipped the last smile of stew into my mouth.

  Nancy muted the television as it went to commercials.

  “Do y
ou want to rest early tonight, Jing-nan? You’ve been through a lot.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “It’s weird to be sitting at home this time of night.”

  “You’re not thinking of going to Unknown Pleasures, are you?” She grabbed my left hand and turned it over. “You still have cuff marks on your wrist!”

  “They don’t hurt.”

  “I think you should take it easy.”

  I thought about the stall. I used to hate being there as a kid because I had nothing personally invested in the business, money or otherwise. Now it was my rocket ship that could go anywhere.

  “It’s easier for me being there.” I got up off the couch and picked up the empty bowls. As I walked to the kitchen, I felt a nagging ache in my calves. I was sure it would go away soon. Couldn’t say the same for my abdomen. It had looked pretty bad before they wrapped me up. But nothing looked worse than my eye, which was truly gruesome. I returned to the living room.

  “You have work to do tonight, don’t you?” In Taipei there’s so much work to be done it’s like oxygen all around, simultaneously fueling and exhausting us.

  “I could read some scientific journals,” Nancy offered. I knew she loved to and she could only do so when I was asleep or at work.

  “There we go,” I said. I picked up my phone.

  “Don’t get kidnapped,” she said.

  “I won’t.” I typed a message to Dwayne and Frankie: I’m coming tonight.

  Glad you’re okay, wrote Dwayne.

  You weren’t going to come in? asked Frankie.

  I held my phone out to Nancy. “Take a picture,” I told her. “I need it to post online.”

  She took my phone and I turned my face to her, bruise-first.

  “You look like you’re undead,” said Nancy as she snapped away.

  I took a look and laughed. “I’m not even going to use a filter on these!” I looked beaten up and thrilled. I posted the best one and hoped the enthusiasm was contagious.

  “Tonight’s vegan special: Black-and-blue fruit,” I wrote for a caption.

  I giddily slipped on my shoes. Nancy gave me a loving hug as strong as a heat rub, and closed the door behind me. I took the stairs, walked through the gauzy night air, and swayed in the MRT car that would bring me back to work.

 

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