by Donna Alward
He nodded. “Yeah.”
He didn’t say more. She supposed it was a big thing that he’d even said anything about it.
“Did you think she was the one?”
Maddy held her breath after she asked the question. They were getting really personal here. But it was good, too. She’d felt so alone in her misery and Cole had seemed too perfect. No flaws, no vices. Knowing he understood from experience made him seem a little more...normal.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I did.”
“What happened?”
He didn’t answer for so long that she thought perhaps he wasn’t going to. But finally he let out a big sigh and met her gaze. “I gave her everything I had. But it wasn’t enough. Or at least, it wasn’t what she wanted. So she left. It’s been pretty hard for me to open up to anyone since.”
Maddy’s heart ached for him. She knew exactly how that felt, and it was so, so lowering to a person’s self-esteem. “I’m really sorry, Cole.”
He tried to smile. “Hey, it was a long time ago. Don’t sweat it.”
She smiled back. He passed it off as being nothing, but she knew it wasn’t. “Don’t kid a kidder. It’s no fun when someone hands your heart back to you with a no, thanks.”
“True enough. Anyway, I thought maybe you should know. I really do understand when you talk about moving slow.” He reached over and squeezed her fingers, and then let her hand go.
A new strength started to build within her, and it felt good. It felt as if she was starting to be in control of her own life again rather than lamenting the current state of affairs, looking forward to the future rather than being mired in the past. “Cole, neither of us can change what’s happened. But there’s one thing we can control, and that’s what we do right now, in this moment. And you know what? Today I choose simple holiday joy and goodwill. How about you?”
Cole chuckled, the mood lightening. “Joy and goodwill, huh? That sounds easy enough. I’m in. What’s first on the agenda?”
She looked up at him. Lordy, he was so handsome. Neither of them was ready for anything serious. Their conversation had just proved that. And yet there was no denying that they liked each other, so she treated him to a huge grin. “Decorations. And we only have about an hour, so roll up your sleeves, bucko. It’s time Christmas got real around here.”
They left the heavy topic of broken hearts behind; Cole actually did as she asked and started rolling up his sleeves. She dashed to the basement for the first box of decorations and came upstairs again, depositing it on the sofa. “Come on, there are three more. Time to use those muscles.”
Together they brought up the decorations, and then Maddy started going through them, seeing what was what. “Lights,” she announced, pulling out a bag. “Lights go on first. Let’s test them.”
She was on a roll now. Cole started stringing the multicolored lights on the tree as she plugged in each set and made sure they worked, replacing bulbs when necessary. It was the longest part of the process, but once he had all the lights at his feet, she dug through the box and got out other decorations. A pretty wreath for above the fireplace, some holiday knickknacks for the mantel. Cute candy-cane place mats for the kitchen table, handcrafted Advent calendars for the twins that Maddy and Gavin had bought last year with the intent to use them this Christmas. Plus plastic dishes—little trays and bowls and a mug and plate set for Santa’s milk and cookies, as well as Frosty and Rudolph plates and cereal bowls for the boys.
She bustled around, putting everything out, thinking how she wouldn’t have to worry about putting things up high as the years went on.
“The lights are done,” Cole announced, getting up from his knees, where he’d been putting the last ones around the bottom. “What do you think?”
“They look great!” Maddy saw he’d taken care to keep the spaces even so there weren’t any blank spots. “Okay. Now the garland.” She reached into the box and took out ropes of the red metallic stuff. “I’ll do this part if you’ll check in the box for the star that goes on the top? You’re taller than me, anyway.”
He dug around in the box while she looped the garland in festive swoops, working her way all around the tree. She ran out one row short of the bottom, but merely shrugged. This tree was a little fuller than last year’s, and the stuff on the bottom would only attract little fingers, anyway. Beside her, Cole reached up and put the star on the top and plugged it into the first set of lights.
“It’s getting there.”
“It is.” She grinned at him. “Know what? We need some Christmas music.” She dashed off to the bedroom for the little portable stereo she kept in there, brought it out and plugged it in and then went to the CD cabinet in the corner to pluck out some of the old Christmas CDs.
“There’s holiday music on its own channel, you know,” Cole said. “You could just turn on the TV.”
She would not be embarrassed; Cole already knew her financial situation was tight. “I canceled most of our cable a few months ago,” she admitted. “We just get the basic channels now.”
Cole was the one who blushed. “Oh.”
She shrugged. “I didn’t really need it, anyway. I’ve got my phone, too, but the stereo doesn’t have Bluetooth, so that’s out. But it doesn’t matter.” She was determined that nothing was going to dampen her enjoyment today. “The oldies are the best versions, anyway. This CD will be perfect.”
She hit play and then reached for the first box of ornaments as Bing Crosby’s smooth voice quietly sang “White Christmas.” The sunny day turned cloudy in anticipation of the coming snow, and the lights from the tree created a cozy glow as they hung ornaments on the tree. Bit by bit it came together until they stood back and viewed the finished product. Maddy got a lump in her throat. It was beautiful. And it was hers. And she was going to get a jump on New Year’s resolutions and make one right now: from now on she was going to live in the present, and do it on her own two feet.
“Hang on,” she said, and dashed to the kitchen. Moments later she joined him again and handed him a glass. “Eggnog,” she said, grinning. “I splurged at the grocery store.”
“It only comes once a year,” he agreed. “The tree looks great, Maddy.”
“It does. When we were standing here looking at it, I made a resolution that I’m going to start living in the present. So...” She held up her glass. “To new beginnings.”
They clinked glasses and his gaze held hers while the delicious feeling of anticipation began to spread over her again. When she’d said “New beginnings,” she hadn’t exactly meant new relationships, but he was standing here before her, looking all hunky and gorgeous, and they’d decorated the tree together and Nat King Cole was crooning on the stereo...
“You forgot something,” he said softly, and after taking a drink of his eggnog he put the glass down and reached into the last box.
When he straightened, he was holding a sprig of plastic mistletoe in his hand.
“Oh,” she said, and her voice sounded just a bit breathless.
He took the glass from her hand, put it beside his on the side table and returned to stand in front of her. Right in front of her. So close that if she lifted her hands they’d be pressed against the front of his shirt and his broad chest...
She looked down. Her hands were pressed against his chest, the warmth of it against her skin as his breathing quickened. He held the mistletoe up over their heads. “Be a shame to break a tradition,” he murmured, his eyes dark and mesmerizing.
“A shame,” she echoed.
He took his time, and when his lips finally touched hers she could barely breathe. It was as good as last night...no, better. There was anticipation and nerves but not the first-time nerves that had made her so jumpy. There was a sweetness and purity to it that reached in and wrapped around her heart. It was a perfect Christmas kiss, unde
r the mistletoe, in front of a Christmas tree, with the taste of eggnog still on their lips and a soft carol on the air.
Their lips parted and she let out a blissful sigh. “Cole,” she whispered. “What are we starting here?”
He didn’t answer, but he dropped the mistletoe on the floor and pulled her into his arms for a deeper, more satisfying kiss. Her head was swimming with it all. The feel of his strong arms wrapped around her, the scent of his cologne on his clothes, the way his teeth nipped gently at her lower lip, causing a dart of desire straight to her core.
A cry echoed down the stairs, muffled by the distance and the bedroom door, but definitely an impatient howl.
It was the worst—and best—time for the boys to wake up from their nap.
Chapter Nine
Maddy pulled away, her eyes still dazed and her body humming. Cole, too, had a look of surprise about him, as if this was more than he’d expected, somehow. As if reality had smacked him in the face like a splash of ice-cold water. Maddy wasn’t sure which boy was crying, but they were really tuning up now. Had they been awake for a while already and she hadn’t heard their fussing?
“I have to go,” she whispered, stepping back. “Get the boys.”
“And show them the tree.” The words were innocuous enough, but there was a strain in Cole’s voice that hadn’t been there before.
Right. Big mistake and he was regretting it, wasn’t he?
She rushed off to the bedroom, her emotions in turmoil as she opened the door and saw both Luke and Liam standing up in their cribs having a shouting contest. “All right, you two, I’m here,” she said, stepping inside.
The noise changed from shouting to delighted squeals and bouncing on the mattresses. “Let’s get you changed first,” she said, picking up Liam. In no time flat she had him in a fresh diaper, deposited him in Luke’s crib, picked up Luke and repeated the process. All the while she was thinking about Cole.
Their kisses today had been amazing. Phenomenal. Unburdened, she realized. It seemed that a weight had lifted, allowing a new intimacy. Could it be that a change of attitude had accomplished all that? But then...when the boys had started crying, Cole had looked almost upset. Lordy, she’d been out of the dating scene for so long that she had no idea how to read the clues.
With both babies in her arms, she took a deep breath. “You ready, boys? Mama has something to show you.” She started out of their room and down the stairs. “We’ve got a Christmas tree. Look, isn’t it pretty?”
She turned the corner and there was Cole, standing in front of the tree, his eggnog in his hand again. Her pulse picked up at the sight of him. But then she looked at her sons and her heart simply melted.
Eyes as big as saucers, they stared at the tree. Two little mouths formed perfect O’s, and the lights were reflected in their huge blue eyes.
“Do you like it?” Maddy put them down. “Don’t touch, now. Just look. Pretty.”
Liam approached it carefully, stared up to the top, then back to the bottom and a particularly shiny ornament. “Buh,” he said. It was his favorite almost word. As far as Maddy was concerned, it showed his approval.
Luke took a few steps forward, then raced back to Maddy. “Up,” he said, holding out his hands. She lifted him up and took him over to the tree, where he pointed at individual ornaments and made unintelligible but what sounded like approving noises.
She looked over at Cole.
“You are so good with them,” Cole said. “So patient.”
She laughed and put Luke down again. “Not always. Believe me. I just try to hold it in until I’m alone.”
“You put them first. And they know it, because even at their age they’re happy and secure.”
“They’ll always come first,” she vowed, lifting her chin a little to look up at him.
“Maddy, you asked what we were starting. The truth is, I don’t know.” His gaze searched hers. “Maybe your idea of living in the present is a good one. Just take it day by day.”
Maddy considered. She wondered if seeing Cole was a mistake. There was a big possibility that neither of them was emotionally ready for romance. But then, day by day was a pretty small commitment when all was said and done.
“Day by day sounds nice,” she answered. She broke eye contact briefly to make sure the boys weren’t getting into trouble, then looked up at him again.
“So how about I take you to dinner sometime next week? I’ll pay for a sitter. We can have an evening out, just the two of us.”
Maddy bit down on her lip. “To dinner?” The idea of an actual date, a public one, gave her a lot of misgivings. Kisses in private were one thing. But going out, particularly in a place like Gibson, made a statement. When you did that, you were a couple.
“You know, where people order food and it’s brought to them and they eat it?”
She couldn’t help but smile a little. “Yes, I know. I’m just... Well, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
When Cole didn’t say anything, she elaborated. “It’s just that for the past six months, I’ve felt like people were whispering behind my back all the time. And not always bad stuff, but my life became news. I don’t want this to be news, Cole. At least not yet, until we’re sure. Or ready. Or...heck, I don’t know. I think I’d be on edge, though, and not much fun to be around.”
“We’ve been out together before. Yesterday, on the wagon ride. Coffee at the Grind. The only difference is how we categorize it. Heck, we don’t even have to call it a date. It could be sharing a meal or hanging out.” He smiled and she thought again how he could be so darned charming.
He was right in a way, too. Maybe the perception was all in her head. But then, maybe they’d already provided fodder for gossip. “People might already be talking,” she said plainly. “I just want to keep things more private. At least for now. Can we do that?”
Disappointment marked his face and she felt bad about it. “Cole, you didn’t do anything wrong. I love that you asked me. I’d just rather stay out of the public eye for a while.”
He nodded, but she could tell there were things he wasn’t saying. It was in the way his jaw was set and his lips were pursed.
She put a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry. I know this must seem exactly the opposite of what I said earlier about letting go of the past. I’ve been the topic of conversation and speculation enough, and I just want some privacy. That’s all.”
“What if I come up with a compromise?”
She hesitated. “If I say yes that means I’m committed. Sneaky.” She smiled a little. “How about I say maybe? It’ll depend on what it is.”
“I’ll let you know. Now, I should probably be going. Tanner’s going to go crazy if I leave him to do the chores on his own tonight. Even though I did them by myself this morning.” He grinned. “You’ll be by the house tomorrow, though?”
“You still want me there?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” His brows pulled together in the middle.
Maddy could have bitten her tongue. She’d assumed that it had been a pity position, a made-up way to give her some help. But he looked sincerely perplexed. Maybe the offer had been genuine all along.
“Oh, never mind. I’ll get there around nine. I work at one instead of two, though, so I’ll have to leave by twelve fifteen to get the boys to day care and then on to work.”
“Sounds perfect to me.”
They looked around at the boys. Luke had found Maddy’s eggnog glass and had taken sips from it, leaving a streak of creamy white down the front of his shirt and the glass as well, which was forming a ring on the table. Liam was sitting on the floor, playing with a plush ornament he’d plucked from the tree.
Maddy sighed. “See what happens when I get distracted? And this is why the soft ornaments are at the bottom of the tree. I
see it’s going to be an interesting few weeks.”
“But fun, I hope. With lots of that Christmas spirit you’ve been looking for.”
His eyes held a twinkle. It seemed the earlier awkwardness was forgiven, or at least forgotten for the time being. She liked that about Cole. He was easygoing, and that was something she particularly needed right now.
“It’s getting there,” she admitted. “Today helped.”
“Then I think you should help us decorate our tree when the time comes. Mom and Dad are home in nine more days and it’d be nice to have the house decorated for when they return.”
“Now that I can do.” She grinned up at him, then reached down and took the ornament from Liam and hung it back on the tree. “Don’t touch, Liam.”
She walked Cole to the door, waited as he put on his coat and boots. “Thanks for coming over. For the help and for the company. It would have sucked decorating the tree alone.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
She reached out and took his hand. “You have. More than you know. Thanks for being understanding.”
Cole leaned down and kissed her lightly. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he murmured, then reached for the door handle. At the last minute he looked up and at the boys. “’Bye, Luke and Liam.”
Maddy’s heart gave a stutter as both of them stopped what they were doing and looked at Cole. And then Liam, bless him, grinned a toothy smile and flapped his hand in goodbye.
“In the morning,” she parroted, and held the door as he went outside into the cold afternoon.
* * *
COLE HUDDLED AGAINST the bitter wind as he guided his horse out of the pasture and toward home again. Tanner rode behind him, neither of them saying anything in the frosty morning. After morning chores they’d gone out on horseback to move part of the herd to a different pasture with new stacks. Normally it was fun, but the wind chill had bitten at his face and his fingers were cold inside his gloves. He was glad that job was over and he could do something else for the afternoon. Something inside where it was warm.